damn pinkos.
***********************************************************************toc
[ Table of Contents ]
32.1 daily grind. -news- (yvonne_segraves@ccmail.us.dell.com)
32.2 heaven. -joke- (membryk@vislab.com)
32.3 No Dogs Allowed. -humor- (stavros@eden.com)
32.4 Deaf and loving it. -joke- (larry_york@ccmail.us.dell.com)
32.5 Two movies in one week. -reviews- (cynsmith@utxvms.cc.utexas.edu)
32.6 The Return of Uncle Url. -URLs- (membryk@vislab.com)
32.7 Steven Wright. -jokes- (larry_york@ccmail.us.dell.com)
32.8 Multi... -reviews- (etrigan@eden.com)
**********************************************************************32.1
"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a dead patient
in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi
Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters. "There was no apparent
cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning
system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal
any clues."
"However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths.
It seems that every Friday morning a cleaner would enter the ward,
remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug
her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business.
When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support
machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead.
She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle
over the whirring of her polisher.
"We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question.
Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an
electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of
this incident. The enquiry is now closed."
from (Cape Times, 6/13/96)
BTW, the headline of the newspaper story was, "Cleaner Polishes Off
Patients."
**********************************************************************32.2
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However,
St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants
today. The admission standard: Who died the worst death? So St. Peter
takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they
died.
FIRST MAN: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating
on me. So, I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check
to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment,
I heard water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for
the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that anyone had been there.
But the last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the bastard
hanging from the edge, trying to get back in!!"
"So, I started jumping up and down on his hands, he yelled, but he didn't
fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it
until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't
kill the Son of a Bitch - he landed in some bushes! So, I dragged the
refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the
balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and
killed him."
"But then, I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the
bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the
first man to wait, he took the second aside.
SECOND MAN: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment
building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was
practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my
balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors
before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was
trying to pull myself up when this guy came running on to what must have
been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed
in pain, but he seemed really annoyed. When he finally stopped, I tried
to pull myself up again, but he came out with this hammer and smashed my
fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some
bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't
last long - the last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling
from the building down on top of me and crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones.
Then he told him to wait, and went to the third man.
THIRD MAN: "Picture this. You're hiding - naked - in a refrigerator...."
**********************************************************************32.3
Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers
---------------------------------------
20) Can't stick their heads out of Windows 95
19) Fetch command not available on all platforms
18) Hard to read the monitor with head cocked to one side
17) Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit
16) Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've got mail!"
15) Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating
14) Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing
http://www.pethouse.com instead of working
13) Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee
12) Not at all fooled by ChuckWagon Screensaver
11) Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging
10) Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable
Thumb
9) Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8) 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now cats, on the other hand...
7) Barking in next cube keeps activating voice recognition software
6) SmellU-SmellMe still in beta testing
5) SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4) Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver
3) Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.binaries.pictures.masters.leg
2) Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms
and the number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...
1) TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. *
**********************************************************************32.4
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find
that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the
lights because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife
decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For
instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and
squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach
over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,
"Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on
my penis one time."
"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty
times"
**********************************************************************32.5
Review #1: A Time to Kill
"a time to kill" is, as we all know, based on the johnny grisham novel of
the same name. and, unless you have been spending ALL of your time
(johnny) staring at a computer screen lately, you also know that it stars
matthew mconnaughey (i think that is how you spell it) an up-and-coming
hollywood star; who, by the way, attended the university of texas and was
wooderson in "dazed and confused." (you gotta joint? it'd be a lot cooler
if you did). anyway, this is a pretty faithful adaptation from the book,
which means that it is exciting and suspensful but simplifies and
over-dramatizes a lot of the story, which deals with some pretty
heavy-duty issues. and johnny wouldn't like it because it doesn't
accurately represent the south. this is mainly in little ways: like the
courtroom setting is outrageously beautiful and huge, no one seems to have
air conditioning, the klan seems a little much to me, but i wouldn't know
for sure. you'd have to ask johnny. about the klan, i mean. as far as a
rating goes, i think that it should be divided by sex. for females, i have
to say that full price is not too much. there are a lot of gratuitous
close-ups of the star (thank god), and the story is compelling and
suspenseful enough to keep you otherwise entertained. for guys, maybe
matinee, samuel jackson is very good, as are sandra bullock and ashley
judd. (who always seems to be glistening with sweat - what is up with
that? a lawyer's house would be air conditioned, even with crosses burning
in the yard!) as i said, in general a decent movie.
Review #2: Lone Star
next, a movie that is NOT hollywood at all, and you'll be surprised to
hear, much better. it is the john sayles movie "lone star", a story of a
texas border town. as one character puts it: "frontera: gateway to cheap
pussy." this is a great murder mystery (with a brief appearance from the
afforementioned texas alum mcconnaughey), a good romance, and in general
considered to be the next "giant." good story, though i predicted the
ending about halfway through. go see it, pay full price with my blessing.
**********************************************************************32.6
http://www.asontv.com/
[ You guessed it! The folks who brought Ronco to the Wal-Marts bring ]
[ infomercials to the web. Now you can buy Blue Blockers, The Super ]
[ Absorbent Mega Mop, and the portable Super Sewing Machine (all of ]
[ which are copyrighted, of course. ]
http://www.magna.com.au/~nglobe/nsitt/
[ "no shitting in the toilet! is a celebration of everything that is ]
[ perverse about travel. It's about getting stranded and ripped off. ]
[ It's about sitting in a tiny room counting cockroaches and feeling ]
[ sorry for yourself. It's about being totally clueless, hopeless and ]
[ pathetic. It's about everything going wrong ... and loving every ]
[ minute of it!" ...yeah...right...(sicko!) ]
http://www.brownies.com/
[ Apparently Fairyland and the Internet are in the same neighborhood. ]
[ At least that's what the folks who sell Fairytale Brownies want you ]
[ to believe. (I know for a fact that they're in Scottsdale, AZ.) ]
[ Even if you aren't in the market for brownies at the moment, you ]
[ should whet your appetite with the pictures. ]
http://www.ctheory.com/
[ "CTHEORY is an international journal of theory, technology and ]
[ culture..." blah, blah, blah. With articles like "Deregulation/ ]
[ Globalisation: The Loss of Cultural Diversity?", and "Civil Society,]
[ Fanaticism, and Digital Reality: A Conversation with Slavoj Zizek" ]
[ you can be assured that this site is a real brain buster...or at ]
[ least a load of horse shit. ]
http://www.grrl.com/
[ Had enough of "Grrrls"? Then run like mad from THE Grrl Web-zine. ]
[ (I do think the use of Lucy Van Pelt as a grrl icon is funny.) ]
http://www.lesbian.org/
[ "Lesbian.Org - promoting lesbian visibility on the internet" Gee, ]
[ just look in alt.erotica.pictures.lesbian and you'll see plenty of ]
[ visible lesbians. Maybe I just don't get it. I better go find the ]
[ Heterosexual.Org page and join up to find my identity. ]
http://www.moncherie.com/
[ Curious about "American Leather Woman '95"? Wanna meet "the ]
[ Leather Community"? Click here. ]
http://www2.scambusters.com/scambusters/
[ "Warning: Don't Waste A Dime Putting Your Business On The Internet ]
[ Until You Read Our New Zine!" Of course, if you really need help, ]
[ "NETrageous Inc. (formerly MarketingMagic Inc.)" (the owners of ]
[ this web site) will be glad to assist...for a small fee... ]
http://www.beatthief.com/
http://www.beatthief.com/greatday/
[ Somewhere between Oriental comic books and web zine, Beat Thief is ]
[ a pretty cool 'zine. AND they are host to the Jean Bach documentary]
[ "great day in Harlem" about a photo of 57 jazz greats taken in ]
[ Harlem in 1958. A must see film and a pretty cool ShockWave app. ]
http://www.paranoia.com/~anton/simpsons/homer.html
[ "Homer Simpson's Mmms - While you can get a multitude of different ]
[ Simpsons samples from the Net, I've decided to specialize and offer ]
[ just Homer's Mmms. I especially love Homer-isms. You know, when ]
[ Homer mentions 'Mmm, .' ... I'd like to ]
[ address a few questions that people keep asking me. First, I don't ]
[ really plan on adding other Homerisms ok? I barely do a decent job ]
[ of the Mmms as it is. Second, it's 'Ooo, waffle run-off' NOT 'Mmm, ]
[ waffle run-off.'" ]
[ ]
[ My favorite is "Mmmmm...sixty-four slices of American cheese." ]
http://www-personal.umich.edu/~hyunkim/2_0homer.htm - ** BEST SITE **
[ In the future everyone will have a Simpson's web page. Until then, ]
[ this may be the most thorough of them all. The Homer section, in ]
[ the URL above, has over 200 sound clips! ]
http://members.aol.com/ninconint/index.html - I'm not sure if LAME is
the correct word
[ Apparently this is the website for NinCon '96. A convention for ]
[ Nine Inch Nails fans...ok, Dead Heads, and Ninnies - listen up. ]
[ They're just bands. Good bands, yes, but just bands. Put down the ]
[ jewel boxes and return to your homes. ]
**********************************************************************32.7
[ Nostalgia time. "Why, when I was boy it was called the Comedy Channel ]
[ and it was all stand-up...back in the good old days." ]
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO STEVEN WRIGHT:
-I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
-I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
-It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always
room-temperature.
-If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
-It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
-You can't have everything...where would you put it?
-I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I
ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
-Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.
-I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
specifically.
-I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy
was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24
hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
-I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if
they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they
ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
-While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced
it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, "Do I know
you?"
-I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are
furious.
-In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so
often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call
from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
-On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I
never have to go upstairs.
-I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
the place.
-I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave
a message and I'll call when I'm out."
-I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you
know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes,officer, but I wasn't
going to be out that long."
-One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't
you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I
read."
-I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when
I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther,
trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go."
-The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor. Who
in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
-When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking
spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
-Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire
area was missing.
-I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like
I'm the only one moving.
-I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
-I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means
it's going to be up all night.
-When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep well?"
I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
-I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're
behind the couch."
-I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went
to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in
Spanish.
-When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was
an only child . . . eventually.
-Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far
that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch
yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
-What's another word for Thesaurus?
**********************************************************************32.8
Quick Review #1: Chain Reaction
Despite the rating of half-a-star in the Austin Chronicle, this wasn't a
bad movie. It requires more suspension of belief than ID4, but I rate
it at Matinee so that you can see the special effects on a big screen.
Quick Review #2: KingPin
Roger Ebert gave this movie a thumbs up. It's sort-of a funny movie,
but it's more accurate to say it's an uncomfortable movie. You know
they say that you tend to laugh when you're uncomfortable. That was
the director's plan here. I rate it rental, but only on an empty stomach.
Quick Review #3: Courage Under Fire
Rating - Full Price. Go see this in the theatre for the helicopter and
battle scenes. Pay full price (and take a date) for the heart wrenching
realism. Great effin' movie.