brogue and nasty.
It's been a long time since I obsessed about anything, and I haven't
noticed any women who'll give me the time of day lately, so I've decided
to devote my energies to being fanatical about the movie "Trainspotting".
I've already seen it 3 times, and have made promises to see it at least
twice more.
Also, I hope to be the first producer of "Trainspotting - the movie/the
Win95 theme". Be on the lookout for it to appear on a web page near you.
(specifically, http://www.eden.com/~etrigan)
..oh, yeah. I'm severely disappointed with the amount of jokes in this
issue that are degrading to women. I fully expect the women members of
the WU to retaliate in full force...or else I'll just publish more of
these awful jokes.
(Here's one to get you started: Why are blonde jokes so short? See
Answer at the end.)
***********************************************************************toc
[ Table of Contents ]
35.1 Blonde drinking. -joke- (Jhathorn@shreveport.harrahs.com)
35.2 Let it out. -joke- (Carrie_Willingham@ccmail.us.dell.com)
35.3 One-up-dog-ship. -joke- (Carrie_Willingham@ccmail.us.dell.com)
35.4 Bouquet, body, and age. -joke- (membryk@vislab.com)
35.5 New Words to Ponder. -humor- (stavros@eden.com)
35.6 Tin Cup. -review- (ggibson@aztec.astate.edu)
35.7 Workshop Guide. -humor- (jharrell@dfw.net)
**********************************************************************35.1
[ Disclaimer: The management does not condone harrassment or dis- ]
[ crimination of any individual no matter their race, sex, or hair ]
[ color...but we do love a good laugh. ]
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde, all valley girls, walk into this bar.
The redhead walks up to the bartender and says,"I'd like an ML please."
The bartender says to her "I'm sorry, but I don't know what that is." The
redhead replies "Unh! A Miller Lite! DUH!"
The brunette then walks up to the bartender and says "I'd like a BL
please." The bartender is once again baffled and replies "I'm sorry miss,
but I don't have a clue as to what you're talking about." The brunette
looks back at him as if he must have flunked 1st grade and says "Unh! A
Bud Lite! DUH!"
The bartender is mumbling something to himself when the blonde walks up.
"I'd like a 15 please," she says. The bartender looks at her and says
"Look lady, I've got no idea what on earth you're talking about." The
blonde looks at him as though he must be a throw back from the gene pool
and exclaims "Unh! A 7 & 7! DUH!!!"
**********************************************************************35.2
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering from
Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't
handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was
or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse
had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly
leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left
side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his
right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.
Then he started leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him
into the chair.
About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to
him and asked, "How do you like the place?"
"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart."
**********************************************************************35.3
Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound: A Pit Bull, a German
Shepherd and a Great Dane.
The Pit Bull told the others "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two
year old niece tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her throat. Now
they are going to put me to sleep."
The German Shepherd said "I chewed up my master' shoes yesterday and now
they are going to put me to sleep."
The Great Dane said "My master is a beautiful twenty two year old woman.
The other day she came out of the shower and bent over in front of me,
so I mounted her and did my thing."
"So are you in here to be put to sleep too?" asked the others.
"No, I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
**********************************************************************35.4
The Ages of a Women
1. Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and
unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored,
breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but
still has points of interest.
5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but
who gives a damn.
**********************************************************************35.5
ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold
a road map at the same time.
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the
bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking
fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from
(a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.
BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more
torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up
display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the
phones are not connected.
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of
running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,
reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down
to give the vacuum one more chance.
DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by
asking, "Do you work here?"
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you
dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will
'remove' all the germs.
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in
the rearview mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at
the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one
armrest in a movie theater.
ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the
more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto
the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally
decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open
here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the
'illegal' side.
NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to
come to life.
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground
pepper.
PETONIC (peh ton' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of
a household pet.
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and
forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting
the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're
only six inches away.
**********************************************************************35.6
My goodness, YES! Saturday night I conned a few people here in
Arkansas to see TIN CUP with me. Yes, they knew it was a movie about
golf before hand and they still went. Believe it or not, they liked
it and so did I. Here are a few reasons why it was so good. First,
the plausibility of the story. Kevin Costner plays a washed out
golfer that goes by the name Tin Cup. He is a driving range pro in
the middle of no where and heading in that same direction. From a
golfers point of view, I have seen this first hand. I know a guy by
the name of Randy Simmons who once was a top player for UT at the
same time Tom Kite (PGA Professional/ US Open winner) was on the
team. Randy, like Roy/Tin missed qualifying for the tour by one
stroke and is a washed out drugged up had been. The second reason I
like this movie is the story itself. Obviously a golfer wrote this.
Roy's quest had nothing to do with winning or beating someone else as
it did with hitting the golf ball in such a way that it sets off a
"tuning for in your heart." THAT is the inherent purpose of golf.
Third, the acting is super and the lines are great. I would love to
go into this more, but, this review is too long as it is. Go see the
movie and see if you can FEEL and understand what golf really is
about. TEE IT UP!!!
**********************************************************************35.7
This was sent to me by my brother. Apparently we both have our father's
mechanical skills.
[ Ok, editor's break here. Most of you are going to delve into the ]
[ following piece and say to yourselves's "Johnny Rollerfeet's just ]
[ a tubby computer geek - he wouldn't know anything about any real ]
[ tools!" Well, I'll have you know that the fondest memories of ]
[ spending time with my father is the summer (the ENTIRE SUMMER), ]
[ that he and I replaced the rack and pinion in my Nissan Pulsar. ]
[ Word to the uninitiated: The Nissan Pulsar was designed to hold ]
[ it's components...just barely. Needless to say, my father and I ]
[ discovered many alternative uses for tools during that summer... ]
[ and embarrassing to say, most of them are on the list. ]
[ !!GRUNT, Grunt, grunt!!! ]
Workshop Tool Guide
Hammer - A tool which acts as a divining rod to locate expensive and
delicate parts not far from the object you are trying to hit.
- Also used to tap oil pans and other brittle pot-metal castings to
determine if you have forgotten to remove one of the bolts (which you
have).
- Also, a device used to elicit a stream of invective and blasphemy from
its user.
Mechanics Knife - Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered by guys in brown uniforms. Particularly effective
on boxes containing new convertible tops or gaskets.
Snap-On Gasket Scraper - A device used to score or scratch precision
machined surfaces. Also used to remove dog poop from your boots.
Pliers - A clumsy manual device used to round off bolt heads.
Cordless Screwdriver - An awkward, heavy device which would save a lot of
work if you ever bothered to leave it in the charger overnight.
Hacksaw - One of a family of cutting tools which operate on the Ouija
board principal. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion. The harder you try to influence its course, the
more dismal your future becomes.
Vice Grips - An efficient manual device for rounding off bolt heads.
- Also, an effective method for transferring welding heat directly to
the palm of your hand.
Thin Tipped Screwdriver - Used to mix epoxy resin and hardener to a
consistent dark gray color on the torn-off top of a Fram oil filter
box.
Phillips Screwdriver - A tool for stabbing the top of an old-fashioned
tin and paper oil can and splashing oil on your clean shirt.
- Can also be used to round off Phillips screw heads.
Tin Snips - See hacksaw
Deep Well Sockets - Normally used as piston-pin and wheel bearing drifts.
- May also used for drawing circles when a coffee can lid would be way
too big.
Drop Light - An appliance used to apply large red welts and blisters to
various parts of a mechanic's anatomy while simultaneously eliciting
streams of invective and blasphemy.
- Also, a device for consuming 100 watt light bulbs at approximately
the same rate that AAA shells were consumed during the first days of
Desert Storm.
Shop Rags - Small squares composed primarily of pink lint which become
saturated with whatever fluids are accidentally spilled anywhere
within the workshop. Add a unique smell to the washer and dryer when
washed at home.
Oxyacetylene Torch - An expensive tool used almost exclusively for
lighting stale workshop cigarettes that you keep hidden in the back of
your socket drawer because your wife would never think to look there.
Zippo Lighter - A relatively inexpensive tool that would perform 90% of
the tasks reserved for the oxyacetylene torch if you could remember to
buy lighter fluid for it.
Electric Drill - Normally used for spinning pop rivets until you die of
old age.
- Also used to drill roll bar mounting holes in the floor pans of sports
cars directly above the brake line going to the rear axle.
Socket Drawers - A storage device once used to organize the sockets you
have now strategically placed in odd locations throughout the
workshop. Now used primarily to hide six month old Marlboros from a
person who would throw them away for no good reason.
Drill Press - A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching pieces
of bar stock out of your hand so that they slap you in the chest and
fling your last Bud Light across the room and spatter its contents
into the CD player you've been meaning to install.
Wire Wheel - Cleans rust off bolts and then hurls them at the speed of
light toward the nearest really expensive and easily damaged item in
the workshop.
Hydraulic Floor Jack - Used to lower a Mustang to the ground after
installing a set of lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the front air dam.
Phone - Tool for calling your buddy to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.
2 x 4 - An eight foot long piece of Douglas fir used to lever the Mustang
up off the hydraulic floor jack.
Tweezers - Tool for removing Douglas fir splinters from the palms of your
hands and your fingers.
E Z Out - A bolt extractor which breaks off in bolt holes and is made
from the hardest material know to man.
Timing Light - A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease deposits
on crankshaft pulleys.
Shop Manual - A book which describes in detail the workings and
components of all systems which are currently functioning properly.
Through unexplained magic, all reference to the part you're actually
trying to fix mysteriously disappear whenever you reach for a shop
manual.
Sony Boombox - An electronic marvel which allows Johnny Cash to sing in a
garage filled with dust and paint fumes, which is something he would
never do.
Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist - A device for testing the tensile strength
of the grounding straps, sensor wires, and hydraulic clutch lines you
have forgotten to remove.
Craftsman 1/2" x 16" Screwdriver - A large motor mount prying tool which,
for some unexplained reason, has an accurately machined screwdriver
tip on the end without the handle.
Compression Gauge - Used during buyers inspections by overly cautious
consumers who do not own a 2-Ton hydraulic engine hoist or a Craftsman
1/2" x 16" screwdriver.
Outside Micrometer - A device for periodically reviewing the true meaning
of all of those little incremental marks on the barrel and trying to
remember whether they translate into thousandths or hundred
thousandths of an inch and just how many places to the right of the
decimal that is anyway.
Battery Electrolyte Tester - A convenient method of transferring sulfuric
acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after
determining that your battery is as dead as a doornail, just as you
thought.
Metric Wrenches - Used on cars manufactured in countries whose citizens
mistakenly believe that measurements based on an inacurate estimate of
the true circumference of the earth are easier to visualize and more
accurate than measurements based on the instep of a dead king.
- On products using Imperial measurements, metric wrenches are used
mainly for rounding off bolt heads.
Grease Gun - A messy device for checking your zirk fittings to determine
that they are still plugged with rust.
Campbell - Hausfeld Air Compressor - A machine that converts energy
produced in a coal burning power plant 200 miles away into compressed
air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that
grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by a guy
named Stosh, and rounds them off.
Toshiba Miniature Refrigerator - A trouble-free appliance manufactured to
metric standards which is used primarily to chill piston pins down to
an easy press fit while storing up to 24 cans of Bud Light provided
that the guy who promised to bring the beer didn't forget.
**********************************************************************35.8
(So that boys can remember them!)