can you see the beast?
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[ Table of Contents ]
34.1 Trainspotting. -review- (etrigan@eden.com)
34.2 OJ Anagram story. -humor- (brucetl@BIOMED.MED.YALE.EDU)
34.3 Sign up. -humor- (membryk@vislab.com)
34.4 Morals. -joke- (Carrie_Willingham@us.dell.com)
34.5 Fried. -URL/humor- (stavros@eden.com)
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Review: Trainspotting (the Movie and the Soundtrack)
I never understood the hype that surrounded "Reservoir Dogs" or "Pulp
Fiction". I guess I was never able to get past the violence and see the
core of the film. I don't think I was alone. There will probably be
just as many people, though, who won't be able to get past the drug use
in "Trainspotting"...and that's a damn shame.
From the opening scene you can tell that this movie is not going to
let you rest easy in your seat. Blaring Iggy Pop's latest, "Lust for
Life", the three main characters are running "flat b for boogie" from
seriously pissed policemen. Needless to say, before they get caught
or get away the movie quickly switches to a previous time and begins
explaining how a heroin addict gets to the point where he's pissing off
policeman.
This movie is more than a full price - I've seen it twice, now, and I
will go see it again.
As for the sound track, it is chock full of several contenders for the
next british invasion (Leftfield, Underworld, Sleeper), plus some not-so
new musicians (Brian Eno, and Lou Reed). It's a must-buy.
[ Oh, and here's a (not-so) clever review I submitted for a contest. ]
Mark Renton, the lead character in "Trainspotting" begins his first of
many voice overs by exorting you, the up and coming critic of his life,
to "Choose Life, choose a job, choose a career...," but instead you
should choose a definition.
_
train - (tran) v.t. to discipline; n. trail of gunpowder to lead fire
to explosive charge. The first third of "Trainspotting" demonstrates the
discipline of shooting-up and then burns quickly and fantastically to
the explosion of the pitfalls and pratfalls of an addiction. You will
know exactly what it means to be high and hitting hard, and you'll laugh
hysterically at the seemier side of the heroin needle's revenge.
.
spot - (spat) n. blemish, especially on reputation; v.t. to recognize.
The second third of "Trainspotting" exposes the destructiveness of a
compulsive disease - the way it marks your families and friends with a
stain that even a good detergent can't remove. You will begin to see
that recognizing you have a problem is definitely NOT most of the
battle.
_
-ing - (eng) a verb suffix. With all that under your belt, the last
third of "Trainspotting" is where the doing occurs. Now that you know
the characters and how they weave together to make this tartan, the
uniqueness of the pattern unfolds. You will understand that growing
up and getting beyond an addiction is defined in the words "choose to
change".
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A Chronological Story in Complete Anagrams of "Orenthal James Simpson"
OJ, He Seminal Sportsman
Host OJ, Primal Meanness
Mr. OJ, Meanness, Hospital
OJ, Immense Sharp Talons
Heisman Plot, Snare Ms. OJ
Moonlit James Sharpens
"Immense Harlot!" OJ Snaps
OJ Slashes Prominent Ma
Heisman Person Jolts Ma
Inept OJ Slashes Mom, Ran
She Enjoin Mortal Spasm
Ms. OJ's Ron, Lame Thespian
I'm OJ, Slashes Neat Ron, PM
Hapless Ron Join Tame Ms.
Patrolmen Hiss OJ's Name
Jam, Solemn Shapiro Sent
Ashen Patrolmen Miss OJ
Shapiro Menses Jolt Man
OJ's Solemn, Marsha Inept
Ron Set OJ, Heisman Plasm
OJ, Him Last Manson Spree
OJ, Less Mama, Then Prison
Orenthal James Simpson
Copyright 1994
Hidden Meanings
170 F Alamo Plaza
Suite #311
Alamo, CA 94507
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UNUSUAL SIGNS IN ENGLISH FROM AROUND THE WORLD
In a Tokyo hotel:
"Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do
such thing is please not to read notice."
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret
that you will be unbearable."
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
"To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should
enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor.
Driving is then going alphabetically by national order."
In a Paris hotel elevator:
"Please leave your values at the front desk."
In a hotel in Athens:
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9
and 11 a.m. daily."
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."
In a Japanese hotel:
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of
ascension."
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
In a Hong Kong supermarket:
"For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service."
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
"Drop your trousers here for best results."
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
"Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers
in strict rotation."
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
"There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic
painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
In an East African newspaper:
"A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have
thrown in the bulk of their workers."
In a Vienna hotel:
"In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
"It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of
different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent
unless
they are married with each other for that purpose."
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
"Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:
"A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has
been played."
In a Rome laundry:
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good
time."
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
"Would you like to ride on your own ass?"
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
"Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life."
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
"Stop: Drive Sideways."
In a Swiss mountain inn:
"Special today - no ice cream."
In a Tokyo bar:
"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
"We take your bags and send them in all directions."
At a Budapest zoo:
"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it
to the guard on duty."
In the office of a Roman doctor:
"Specialist in women and other diseases."
In an Acapulco hotel:
"The manager has personally passed all the water served here."
>From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel:
"Air your room, please control yourself."
>From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle thet horn. Trumpet him
melodiously at first, its but if he still obstacles your passage then
tootle him with vigor."
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One day at the end of class, little Billy's teacher has the class go home
and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story...
.....The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell
their story.
Suzy raises her hand...,"My Daddy owns a farm and every Sunday we load
the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the
market. Well one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of
the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story...
Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
"Well done, Suzy. Now who wants to go next?" Asks the teacher.
Lucy quickly raises her hand. "Well, my Dad owns a farm too and every
weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last
weekend, only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."
"And the moral?"
Lucy replies, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"Excellent, Lucy. Who's next?"
Billy jumps up. "My Dad fought in the Vietnam War, his plane was shot
down over enemy territory. He was able to jump out before it crashed
with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way
down, he drank the whole case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right
in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine
gun until he ran out of bullets. Then, he pulled out his machete and
killed 20 more. But, the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the
last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looks at Billy with a shocked expression, "My goodness Billy.
Can there possibly be a moral to this story?"
Billy replies, "Yes...Don't fuck with my Dad when he's been drinking."
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from http://www.select-ware.com/fries/docs/know.html
Twenty-one Things You Never Knew About French Fries
The French Fry is a very complex food, with a rich history and a culture
unto itself. Here's twenty-one things you probably never knew about them.
1. Nobody knows what to call them. Americans say "French Fries," but
they're not really French.
2. The French call them "Pommes Frites, (pawm-fritt)" but that means
"apples, fried."
3. "Pomme _de terre_" is French for "potato." A "pomme (pawm)" is an
apple. A "pomme-de-terre (pawm-doo-tair)" is an "apple of the dirt."
4. Germans call French Fries "pommes (paw-mess)" and spell it "pommes
frites" like the French.
5. "Apfel (ahp-fell)" is German for "Apple."
6. Germans call a potato a "Kartoffel," except some who call it an
"Erd-apfel (aird-ahp-fel)," which is "dirt-apple," which is what the
French call potatoes, too.
7. In America, French Fries are usually eaten with the fingers; in
Europe, they are usually eaten with a miniature, two-tine fork.
8. French Fries are vegetables.
9. So is ketchup, because it's made of tomatoes.
see Questions about this point.
10. When you smother French Fries with ketchup and eat it all, you've
probably eaten two servings of vegetables, about one-third of the US
Recommended Daily (nutritional) Allowance.
11. A small order of French Fries at McDonald's weighs less than four
ounces (112g).
12. One small order of French Fries at McDonald's is not enough.
13. French Fries are the number two "drunk food" ^V what people eat when
they've had too much to drink.
14. Pizza is number one.
15. French Fries don't taste very good when baked on a pizza.
16. Neither does salad.
17. Frozen French Fries which you buy in a store have already been
partially cooked.
18. You still have to cook them some more at home.
19. French Fries are a more American food than apple pie and hot dogs,
which are both German.
20. Even though they call French Fries "chips" in England, if you ask for
French Fries, they'll know what you're talking about. Probably.
21. You won't get your French Fries served in newspaper in England
anymore. They made a law against it.