average cruelty.
I Survived a Weekend in Aggieville.
Twice this summer I have been to parties in Bryan/College Station, home
to Texas Aggies and a mongrel collie, and have returned physically and
mentally intact. This is a rarity since I have mounted this challenge
multiple times in the past few years and constantly found my returning
sanity only in the wee hours as I passed outside of the City Limits at
2 in the morning, wondering how I became so horribly disfigured and why
I didn't remember anything. Of course, when I'd concentrate on recalling
the evening's events, the shudders would come on strong and I'd let it go.
Maybe I am exaggerating just a little bit, but my thanks go out to the
multiple residents of B/CS who made my Friday enjoyable: to Jennifer
who did me the favor of getting rid of my tequilla (which somehow ended
up on the back lawn with some of her last meal), to Zach (one of our
latest WU subscribers) who made me realize that I was 'contributing' to
nearly a dozen under-21'ers, to "that girl" for letting me tromp her in
PSX baseball, to Laura for kissing the top of my head and making it feel
better, and especially to Becky for giving me a place to sleep and the
chance to break the law in her house.
***********************************************************************toc
[ Table of Contents ]
33.1 marketing blunders. -humor- (carrie_willingham@ccmail.us.dell.com)
33.2 Harriet the Spy. -review- (etrigan@eden.com)
33.3 What Men Say... -humor- (tankboy@eden.com)
33.4 Richard. -joke- (tankboy@eden.com)
33.5 Congressional Candidates. -news- (betc@eden.com)
33.6 Abby Ticklers. -humor- (carrie_willingham@ccmail.us.dell.com)
33.7 Helpless Desk. -humor- (stavros@eden.com)
**********************************************************************33.1
Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing
corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big
multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and
cultural differences. For example...
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as
Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not
discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that
the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse
stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then
researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close
phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely
translated as "happiness in the mouth."
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive
with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring
your ancestors back from the dead."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-
lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling
Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When
smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems
to be free and empty."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South
America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it
won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling
any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the
Caribe.
Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped.
The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for
"tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and
substituted Corcel, which means horse.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its
ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and
embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly
thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass.
Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and
make you pregnant."
Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man
to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another
Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds
appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that
explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."
Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French
Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in
slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name
problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.
Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it
entered English-speaking markets and began receiving
requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the
owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.
and finally...
In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly
continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was
devised to extoll the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up
qualities. Hence, slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker
up."
By the way, these are all true accounts...
**********************************************************************33.2
Review: Harriet The Spy
"Harriet the Spy" is a must-see for nearly everyone. On top of being a
great story that we all (should have) read as kids, Rosie O'Donnell and
Michelle Trachtenburg do a great job of relaying it to the big screen.
The cinematography is probably the coolest, hippest that I've seen in a
long time. The only big drawback to the movie is no 6th grade girl should
be wearing pants as cool as Harriet's...I should be wearing those pants.
Rating: Full Price
**********************************************************************33.3
[ I have published the "Men's Guide to What a Woman Is Really Saying" ]
[ multiple times. I thought that it best that I hide my mysogyny by ]
[ print this gem. ]
HERE IS THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING...
1. "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
2. "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
3. "I'm tired" = I'm tired.
4. "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you.
5. "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you.
6. "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you.
7. "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you.
8. "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
9. "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle
you.
10. "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological
trauma are you going through now?
11. "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
12. "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
13. "I love you." = Let's have sex now.
14. "I love you too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
15. "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better
before.
16. "Let's talk."= I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a
deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
17. "Will you marry me?" = I might as well get tax benefits for going
through these "talks"
(and while shopping...)
18. "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go
home!
19. "I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I
am gay.
**********************************************************************33.4
What's about 6 inches long, has a big head and women love to blow?
(page down)
The new $100 bill.
**********************************************************************33.5
* Mark Steele, a Massachusetts candidate for the U. S. House, is
on probation for setting a business afire to collect insurance
payments (and as part of his platform lectures voters to take
greater personal responsibility). [Boston Globe-AP, 6-5-96]
* Bill Yellowtail, running for the U. S. House from Montana,
was revealed to have had his Montana state senate pay docked in
the 1980s for child-support payments and to have kept secret his
expulsion from Dartmouth College for burglary convictions.
[Rocky Mountain News-AP, 6-1-96]
* State Sen. Charles Davidson, who had announced for a U. S.
House seat in Alabama, dropped out after flak from a floor
speech in May in which he defended slavery as ordained by God.
[Northwest Florida Daily News, 5-10-96]
* Bill Levinger, challenging Idaho's militia-defending U. S. Rep.
Helen Chenoweth in the primary, appeared on a public-affairs
show TV show in April, stripped down to his underwear, offered
the host $5,000 for a kiss, and played with a toy elephant and
rolls of $100 bills. [Washington Post, 4-22-96]
**********************************************************************33.6
Funny Letters to Dear Abby
--------------------------
DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her
mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never
seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they
could be Lebanese?
CURIOUS
---------------------------
DEAR ABBY: I've been married for six years and have five kids. No twins.
My husband still wants to have sex every night and sometimes in the
morning too. I told him he should get himself a hobby, and he says that
is his hobby.
---------------------------
...I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even
sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
---------------------------
...I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill
for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money
with him.
---------------------------
...I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I
confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would
never happen again.
---------------------------
...Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate doctor?
---------------------------
...Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised
in a good Christian home turn against his own?
> ---------------------------
...I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
---------------------------
...My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every
week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
---------------------------
...I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until
one night he came home sober.
---------------------------
...Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I
tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.
---------------------------
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her
mental pause.
---------------------------
I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the chief petting
officer.
> ---------------------------
... Then you told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex
to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years
ago and he is a doctor.
---------------------------
...This is the second marriage for both of us. And when my husband said
"I Will" he knew damn well he couldn't.
---------------------------
DEAR ABBY: I've been going steady with this man for six years. We see
each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but
he never mentions marriage. Do you think he's going out with me just for
what he can get?
GERTIE
DEAR GERTIE: I don't know. What's he getting?
---------------------------
DEAR ABBY: My husband hates to spend money! I cut my own hair and
make my own clothes, and I have to account for every nickel I spend.
Meanwhile he has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke a
cow. How do I get some money out of him before we are both called to our
final judgment? He says he's saving for a rainy day.
FORTY YEARS HITCHED
DEAR HITCHED: Tell him it's raining!
---------------------------
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd
like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd
like?
CAROL
DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.
---------------------------
DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible?
KAY
DEAR KAY: Only if they don't work.
---------------------------
DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife
had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can
a baby this big be that early?
WONDERING
DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.
---------------------------
DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying much?
CURIOUS
DEAR CURIOUS: No, it's the last thing I want to do.
---------------------------
DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the
same time?
JAKE
DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous.
---------------------------
DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and
he's still chasing women. Any suggestions?
ANNIE
DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if
he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.
> ---------------------------
DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I
can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
SAM IN CAL.
DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office.
---------------------------
DEAR ABBY: What inspires you most to write?
TED
DEAR TED: The Bureau of Internal Revenue.
---------------------------
DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, "I've
heard a lot about you"?
RITA
DEAR RITA: It depends on what you've heard.
---------------------------
DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my
age with no bad habits.
ROSE
DEAR ROSE: So would I.
---------------------------
DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
BESS
DEAR BESS: Night and day.
**********************************************************************33.7
A HELP DESK LOG
Monday
------
8:05 am
User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password
retrieval utility - FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang
up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?
8:12am
Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database.
Gave them Standard SysAdmin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them
rant and rave while I unplugged my coffee-maker from the UPS and plugged
their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy
customer...
8:14 am
User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing
Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to
microsupport.
11:00 am
Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in
so I can call my girlfriend. She says parents are coming into town this
weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in
basement. What is she thinking? The "Doom" nationals are this weekend!
11:34 am
Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR
performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database.
Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add@MailSend so performance
reviews are sent to */US.
12:00 pm
Lunch
3:30 pm
Return from lunch.
3:55 pm
Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason.
Return to napping.
4:23 pm
Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask
them what chipset they're using. Tell them to call back when they find
out.
4:55 pm
Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has
something to do.
Tuesday
-------
8:30 am
Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time
with Save/Replication conflicts.
9:00 am
Support manager arrives and wants to discuss my attitude. Click on
PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the
calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have
(mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.
9:35 pm
Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form
J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it's in
the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database.
Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.
10:00 am
Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her
I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status.
Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease
Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will
be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's
"Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally deliver
ID to her apartment.
10:07 am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer
to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a
smoke.
1:00 pm
Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he
transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.
1:05 pm
Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor
tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in
computer room, even if I do yell "OMyGod -- Fire!"
1:15 pm
Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form
names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang
up and run global search/replace using gaks.
1:20 pm
Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for
"Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear over
industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "LettuceNodes." Maybe
the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up.
2:00 pm
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check her
purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell
out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the air vents
she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while
she does that.
2:49 pm
Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.
Wednesday
---------
8:30 am
Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form.
Tell them Of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not
"chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.
9:10am
Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00am
meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about
terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting.
Sometimes life hands you material...
10:00 am
Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's
office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career
moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate
to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug
which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all
references to furry handcuffs and BambiBoomer in Marketing on the
corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web
browser, and Tums.
10:30 am
Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX
system sometime.
11:00 am
Lunch.
4:55 pm
Return from lunch.
5:00 pm
Shift change; Going home.
Thursday
--------
8:00 am
New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him server
room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT.
Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and
color.
8:45 am
New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him.
Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.
9:30 am
Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie comments. Is
this guy great or what?!
11:00 am
Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of
sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server is
down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug
back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!
11:55 am
Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new employee
beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said
corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and relief
to senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I point to
"Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!).
"Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as
he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.
1:00 pm
Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...
4:30 pm
Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.
5:00 pm
Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the
On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.
Friday
------
8:00 am
Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them
it worked fine before I left.
9:00 am
Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself.
Unforward phones from Mailroom.
9:02 am
Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji
board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications.
9:30 am
Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and
can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a
two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two
hours.
10:17 am
Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set
server ahead three hours.
11:00 am
E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time their
servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.
11:20 am
Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.
11:23 am
Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.
11:25 am
Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to get
good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with
orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the
weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"
11:30 am
Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting
this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I tell him.
12:00 am
Lunch.
1:00 pm
Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them
fast.
1:03 pm
Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!
2:30 pm
Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45
appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.
2:39 pm
New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document.
Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC
rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.
2:50 pm
Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment
cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen
corporate Web page lately.
3:00 pm
Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they
place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document
addendum which says so.
4:00 pm
Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point
size to "2" in help databases.
4:30 pm
User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go to
view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise
to send them document addendum which says so.
4:45 pm
Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll
fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.
4:58 pm
Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much.
5:00 pm
Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to have a good
weekend.