ultra two.
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[ Table of Contents ]
28.1 You Got A Fast Car... -humor- (tankboy@eden.com)
28.2 Did ya' think. -humor- (tankboy@eden.com)
28.3 Horrorscopes. -humor- (larry_york@ccmail.us.dell.com)
28.4 G-eep is in the mutha-grabbin' Hi-ouse! -URL- (xiphoid@nicom.com)
28.5 Free Catalogs. -URL- (etrigan@eden.com)
28.6 ID4. -mega-review- (xiphoid@nicom.com/cmm@engr.LaTech.edu)
28.7 Phenomenon. -review- (jharrell@dfw.net)
28.8 Welcome To The Dollhouse. -review- (etrigan@eden.com)
28.9 Science Ecplained. -humor- (stavros@eden.com)
28.10 A Man's Best Friend. -joke- (membryk@vislab.com)
28.11 Books. -URL- (membryk@vislab.com)
**********************************************************************28.1
The Top 20 Cool Things About a Car that
Goes Faster than the Speed of Light
20 Sleep 'til noon. Still get to work by 8:00am!
19 Doppler shift makes red traffic lights look green.
18 Breaking laws of physics only a misdemeanor in most states.
17 Never in car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.
16 Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking keep bugging you to carpool.
15 No one can see you pick your nose while you drive.
14 Lunch breaks in Paris, circa 1792.
13 LA to Vegas in 2 nanoseconds.
12 You can stop worrying about being sucked into a black
hole driving home from work.
11 You'll be so thin while driving it you can even wear
horizontal stripes.
10 That deer in your headlights is actually behind you.
9 Kid from Mentos commercial almost guaranteed to lose
a limb if he tries to duck through back seat.
8 Traffic enforcement limited to cops with PhD's in Quantum Physics.
7 Bugs never see you comin'.
6 You can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.
5 Can make a fortune delivering pizza with the slogan
"It's there before you order or it's free!"
4 Car makes it from Hollywood to London fast enough to
not arouse suspicions of Elizabeth Hurley.
3 License plate: "Me=mc2"
2 Cigarette butts don't land in the backseat -- they land in last week!
and the Number 1 Cool Thing About a Car that
Goes Faster than the Speed of Light...
1 Chicks dig it.
**********************************************************************28.2
- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
- Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
- I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
- There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
- If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
- If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
- If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
- Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
- Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
- What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
- Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
- Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
- Does fuzzy logic tickle?
- 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
- Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
- Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
- Hit any user to continue.
- Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
- (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
- If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be
the process of putting them in.
- Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
- Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with
inanimate objects.
- Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should
be hard to understand.
[ And here's my contribution - "God didn't provide documentation, ]
[ why should I?" ]
**********************************************************************28.3
Horrorscopes from Hell
AQUARIUS (Jan.20-Feb.18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to
be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined
to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistake over
and over. Everyone thinks you are stupid.
PISCES (Feb.19-Mar.20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you
are being followed by the CIA and/or FBI. You have minor influence over
your associates and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack
confidence and are generally a coward.
ARIES (Mar.21-Apr.19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in
contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You
are a prick.
TAURUS (Apr.19-May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have dogged
determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and
bull headed. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People
like you because you are bisexual, however you are inclined to expect too
much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are notorious for
thriving on incest.
CANCER (Jun.21-July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other
people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting
things off and that is why you will always be on welfare and never worth
a shit.
LEO (July 23-Aug.22) You consider yourself a born leader while others
think you are a pussy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot
tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are
always thieves and bastards.
VIRGO (Aug.23-Sept.22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This
nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional
and often fall asleep while making love. Virgos make excellent bus drivers
and pimps.
LIBRA (Sept.23-Oct.22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time
with reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely queer.
Change of employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women
make excellent whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.
SCORPIO (Oct.23-Nov.21) You are a shrewd business type and cannot by
trusted. You always achieve the pinnacle of success because of your lack
of ethics. You are a fat headed son of a bitch. Most Scorpios are
murdered.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22-Dec.21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have
a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority
of Sagittarius are drunkards and dope fiends. People laugh at you and you
are always getting screwed.
CAPRICORN (Dec.22-Jan.19) You are conservative and afraid of taking
risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been
a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for
long periods of time as they tend to draw pigeons.
**********************************************************************28.4
This site has got the jump-off with some bomb-ass tips on breakin'
into a phat career in the music biz.
G-eep's Guide to be a Wanna-Be Rapper (Arts & Entertainment)
Krystine
Sunnyvale, CA, US
A Guide to becoming a Rapper. This guide goes from choosing a
name to doing your hair.
http://www.netcom.com/~nectar21/Shazaam.html
**********************************************************************28.5
Are you not receiving enough junk mail? Despite being a GenX'er, do you
feel that you're just not receiving your share of demographic pressure?
(Or if you're like my sister and window shopping is more than fun actually
buying junk.) Then this is the site for you!
http://catalog.savvy.com/
Just enter you name and address and click on any of the over 500 catalogs
listed and you'll never run out of good fire starter.
**********************************************************************28.6
[ Instead of writing my own review for ID4, I decided I'd let these ]
[ overwhelming reviews from the kMc, Chris Melancon sate your desire ]
[ for overbearing opinion. (which is what the WU is all about!) Oh ]
[ yeah, I agree with both reviewers. ]
Review: ID4
[ from the kMc ]
Let me start by saying that "Independence Day" was the most riveting
cinematic experience of my life.
It happened that way because I bought whole-heartedly into the "ID4"
hype -- every big-shadow seein', Roswell believin', 4th of July lovin',
Fresh Prince ET ass-kickin' bit of it. Take my wide-eyed acceptance of
such feats as a laptop computer logging on effortlessly to an on-line
service built by telepathic creatures from the other side of the galaxy
-- add some ideal viewing conditions -- and you'll see why I enjoyed it
so much.
I know I've harped on it before, but we've got this theater here -- one
of those golden-age movie houses built in the 30's and 40's. It's got a
70 mm projector, kickin' THX surround sound, a 50-foot tall curved
screen, and on July 2, it was filled with 1200 pumped-up movie geeks,
most coming in from a two hour plus wait in line.
Before the movie even began I was satisfied, having already seen the
end-all be-all of movie previews, a warm-up of the next Borg-filled Star
Trek movie, followed by -- prepare yourself -- "The Star Wars Trilogy:
Deluxe Edition."
It was utterly amazing to look up and see scenes I last saw on the big
screen nearly two decades ago. (I don't know about Johnny Rollerfeet,
but that's a long time ago for me.) [ ed. - ha. ha. ] Not only that,
but the new versions, due out in '97, have the enhanced digital sound
and new effects that include Jabba the Hut dragging his fat butt around
in all its computer-rendered glory. The x-wings look better, the monsters
don't look like puppets, and you'd almost swear Jack Palance was sitting
next to you when Darth Vader breathes. When I go to see "ID4" again, it
will be because of this preview.
And it would probably have been out of place before any other movie. By
the end of the show I was exhausted and my head hurt from the pressure of
fitting all two-and-a-half hours of it through my eyes and ears. Buy the
hype. Go see it. With the editor's permission, I'd like to transcend the
WU rating system and say that opening night isn't soon enough for this
movie. If you haven't gone yet, drop what you're doing, go now and hope
there are still enough geeks in the audience that you won't get evil
stares for cheering at every exploding alien carcass. It's the human
thing to do.
[ from Chris Melancon ]
Now you'll have to excuse me, this is my first attempt at writing a movie
review. I was just so motivated by this film that I had to spread the
word. So here goes...
Independence Day, aka ID4, is apparently a direct spawn of the
fire-breathing pit from which all summer blockbusters come. Forget
Twister, The Rock, and Eraser. This is the biggest, baddest,
turbocharged special effects party ever to come down the pike, in my
opinion. It is a little bit of everything from comedy to action to
romance to action again, put on a big bit of film (2 1/2 hours' worth),
and keeps the viewer (yes, you!) engrossed for the duration.
For those of you who are down to see some good old-fashioned alien
ass-whoopin', this movie's for you. For those of you who are losing
faith in the human race's ability to bond together and recycle properly,
ID4 will restore that faith. For those of you who think our defense
budget is too big for no reason, one look at this should convince you
otherwise. For those of you who wondered what the inside of Area 51
looks like, here's your chance. And for those of you who have lost faith
in Hollywood's ability to produce something that's not a big piece of
pure hype, here is the rock to lay your faith upon once more. For cryin'
out loud, go see the movie, you'll love it!
Rating: Two dates, same showing, full price each--but I couldn't pay much
attention to them because the movie was too damn good!
**********************************************************************28.7
PHENOMENON
To make a long story short, this is _the_ date movie of the year.
John Travolta plays George Malley, an auto-mechanic and Everyman in the
one-horse California town of Harmon. At midnight on his thirty-seventh
birthday, George wanders out into the street and is blinded by a brilliant
light in the sky. That night, in bed, he finds himself thinking more
clearly, solving problems more easily. He is soon reading four books a
day, retaining everything he reads.
The first half of the movie writes itself. We've seen it a dozen times,
going all the way back to Disney's THE COMPUTER WORE TENNIS SHOES (1969),
starring a _very_ young Kurt Russell, and Cesar Romero, fresh from his
un-Tim-Burtoned portrayal of the Joker in 1966's BATMAN. Not to mention at
least a dozen episodes of STAR TREK. Normal Person suddenly becomes a
genius, or supernaturally gifted, or both. Normal Person must then deal
with the consequences of his new abilities.
But this movie's key difference lies in Travolta's performance. Remember
Henry Fonda in THE OX-BOW INCIDENT (1943), or Jimmy Stewart in MR. SMITH
GOES TO WASHINGTON (1939)? Once in a while, an actor portrays his
character with such gentle amiability that he instantly finds a way into
your heart. You _feel_ for George Malley, like he was your best friend
in the world.
Which makes the film's inevitable ending all the more painful, and
uplifting.
PHENOMENON is not a movie about one guy. It's about the human spirit, what
we can achieve, what lies deep inside all of us. It's message is
ultimately one of hope.
After seeing it, the natural comparisons to messiah archetypes and
biblical allegories make for some great barstool bull-sessions.
And, just maybe, Travolta might see a best actor nod from the Academy come
spring.
As great as it is, PHENOMENON should _not_ be seen alone. If you have to,
ask a complete stranger to go with you. PHENOMENON's Date Quotient is 190,
with a Tearjerker Factor of 8.5.
Two big thumbs up.
**********************************************************************28.8
Review: Welcome To The Dollhose
Are you still curious about what a black comedy really is? Even worse,
do you still believe that "Heather's" was a prime example of a black
comedy? This movie will show you the error of your ways. I am not
knocking "Heather's" (which is one of the best movies of my generation),
but you can't have a black comedy with a happy ending.
If you had to ride home with me after seeing "Welcome to the Dollhouse",
you might believe that something "good" happened in the movie. I could
not stop gigling for nearly an hour afterword. You might think I'm sick
to laugh at a poor white trash young girl who, simply put, is having an
entirely miserable life, and who's brother assures her that "It doesn't
get much better after Junior High, they eventually start ignoring you."
But it is somehow hilarious that at no point does she get a break, ever.
This movie is a rental if you can wait that long. Warning: Not for the
humor impaired, or easily offende.
**********************************************************************28.9
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays,
exams, and class room discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders.
They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the 'most interesting
information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then
stop.'
-----------------------------
Question: What is one horsepower?
Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse
500 feet in one second.
You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to
getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with
atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with
explosions.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When
planets do it we say they are orbiting.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun,
it is really only centrificating.
Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any
direction.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still
manage.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change
back into a sun in the daytime.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180
degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between
north and south.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants
to go.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be
discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth
because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
Lime is a green-tasting rock.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred
to be oil.
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you
should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know
they're there.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so
sometimes it's brother against brother.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have
never been able to make out the numbers.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation
gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists
solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice
as many H's as O's.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it,
and that is the important thing.
Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There
is not much else to do.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to becalled a
drop, it does.
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we
breathe.
Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill
the strongest man.
A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other
places.
The wind is like the air, only pushier.
*********************************************************************28.10
One fall day Doug was out raking leaves when he noticed a
hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a
second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly
along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in
single file. Intrigued, Doug went up to the man following
the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
"My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Doug. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Doug then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The
man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died
as well."
Doug thought about this for a while. He finally asked the
man, "Can I borrow your dog?"
To which the man replied, "Get in line."
*********************************************************************28.11
[ We close out this issue with our only web submission from Uncle URL. ]
[ What's wrong, Uncle URL, got a job or somthing? Pfeh. ]
www.books.com