office politics
Three days late, and proud of it.
With the Tsunami of new movies out right now, I've been seing as many as
I can. Quick Reviews: SuperCop - full price; Courage Under Fire - full
price (damn fine movie); Joe's Apartment - matinee...unless you _really_
don't like roaches (duh!). By next week, I will have seen Chain Reaction,
and the Frighteners, so expect reviews. (Also, the kMc on Trainspotting,
and hopefully A Time to Kill and Love Star from "that girl" and becky.)
***********************************************************************toc
[ Table of Contents ]
31.1 A Few Rules to Live By... -humor- (membryk@vislab.com)
31.2 Supercop! -review- (Gpgibson3@aol.com)
31.3 Train Ride. -joke- (Carrie_Willingham@us.dell.com)
31.4 DOWN WITH JOHN TESH. -commentary- (cynsmith@utxvms.cc.utexas.edu)
31.5 Ballsfood. -joke- (membryk@vislab.com)
31.6 King Arthur. -joke- (membryk@vislab.com)
31.7 World History. -humor- (jfrasier@prysm.net)
**********************************************************************31.1
60 RULES AND INSTRUCTIONS ON BEING A MAN
========================================
1. Lie
2. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
3. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal,
such as "spike"
4. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you
mailed it to them/already gave it to them.
5. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it.
6. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a grunt
will do.
7. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't
your fault.
8. Lie.
9. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help --- don't
ask. People will think you have no penis.
10. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
11. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis)
12. Everyone considers a man more important if he can write his name in
urine.
13. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend
picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
14. Lie.
15. Deny everything. Everything.
16. Don't have a clue.
17. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
18. No means yes.
19. Yes means no.
20. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. You
may get sick or even die. This is one of the most important rules.
21. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and
locations.
22. Feelings? What feelings?
23. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at
something, either pretend it's not true or kick their ass.
24. Lie I tell you!!
25. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into
a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up
with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example:
Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"
Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
26. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual meaning.
27. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various
genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make a
replica of your penis. Exaggerate the dimensions by 25%).
28. Lie.
29. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.
31. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you
completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
31. Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.
32. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
33. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things.
You know, like your wife's b-day and eye color.
34. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
35. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
36. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.
37. Lie.
38. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people
you don't know.
39. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people
you don't know.
40. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T
STOP! This is the desired reaction.
41. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
42. You are male, therefore you are superior.
43. Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with
yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
44. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to
please you.
45. Don't ever notice anything.
46. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
47. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically
you've done nothing wrong.
48. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have
to cry about, anyway?
49. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
50. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
51. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
52. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase
and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
53. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a
parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be
it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your
skills.
54. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long,
laugh loud, laugh heartily.
55. Lie.
56. If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard
it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've
done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
57. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to
you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me,
so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
58. Default facial expression: blank stare.
59. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or
Oldies.
60. LIE.
**********************************************************************31.2
Well, though this night of excitement was overshadowed by the horrifying
events that transpired in Atlanta, Supercop is a movie worth seeing. Not
only was Jackie Chan "THE MAN," but we now have a WoMAN to look at in awe.
This movie has more plot, better dialogue, and better stunts than "Rumble in
the Bronx!" Chan plays a Hong Kong cop who goes undercover with a Chinese
counterpart to infiltrate a drug smuggling operation. If you can make it
through the awful dubbing at the beginning, the action soon starts and man is
it great! May a real Supercop kick terrorist butt all over the world!
[ I am more than a little bit biased, so I must concur! I qoute myself ]
[ from the January 29, 1996 issue of the WU, "Arnold, Jean-Claude, ]
[ Segall, and even Pierce Brosnan will have to give everything up for ]
[ Jackie Chan." This god of a man now has a female co-star who may be ]
[ his equal in determination and true grit. Michelle Khan really shows ]
[ off as being a superb Chan performer, despite having NO martial arts ]
[ training! This movie is a must-see for any action movie fans. ]
**********************************************************************31.3
Three engineers and three economists are traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three economists each buy tickets and
watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. " How are three
people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an economist.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The economists take their respective but all
three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket,
please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.
The economist sees this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So
after the conference, the economists decide to copy the engineers on
the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all
that). When they get to the station, they a single ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket
at all.
"How are you going to travel with out a ticket?" says one perplexed
economist.
"Watch and you'll see, answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three economists cram into a restroom
and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train
departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom
and walks over to the restroom where the economists are hiding. He
knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
**********************************************************************31.4
To Whom it May Concern:
Becky and I, after a week of watching NBC's coverage of the Olympic
gymnastic competition, have a suggestion. Rather, we have a demand, a
mantra, a mission: JOHN TESH MUST DIE!!
In order to accomplish what may very well become our lives' goal, we are
establishing the official JOHN TESH MUST DIE club/militia. We are rallying
support from a grassroots level, and we hear that the internet is a great
place to start rebellion, insurgence, and otherwise socially unacceptable
movements.
For those of you to whom it is not glaringly obvious exactly why JOHN
TESH MUST DIE, we offer the following complaints:
1. He is melodramatic.
EX: "In Xialan, China, Mo Huilan's parents have perched a television
atop two steamer trunks, and they are watching their daughter, as
is the rest of their country. All of China is holding its breath."
2. He overstates the obvious.
EX: "There are one hundred and twenty girls competing here tonight,
but only one gold."
3. He has no place announcing sporting events, much less gymnastics.
EX: "She's going to need to have a good landing to get a good score
here."
Simply stated, he is the biggest waste of skin to sit his white ass in a
commentator's chair. Plus, add the fact that his sappy excuse for elevator
music is actually profitable, and you must come to this conclusion - he is
denegrating our society with his saccharine presence, and therefore JOHN
TESH MUST DIE!!
If you agree, please consider this a call to action. We need support in
this, the most worthy of causes. JOHN TESH MUST DIE!
Becky and Cynthia,
co-conspirators for a cause
**********************************************************************31.5
An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city
for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the
dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained.
"Sir, these are the COJONES", the waiter replied.
"The what, you say?", exclaimed the tourist.
"They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today,"
explained the waiter.
The tourist gulped but tasted the plate anyway, and found it delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he
finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter:
"Today's COJONES are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
"True, sir," said the waiter, "... you see the bull, he does not
always lose!"
**********************************************************************31.6
King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about
leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the
Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining
his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to
come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.
A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the
good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity
belt ... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening.
How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"
"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered
workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected
his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He
then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon
a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can
leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting
Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he
assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their
trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each
and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way.
All of them except Sir Galahadhis.
"Sir Galahadhis," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true
knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is
it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But Sir Galahad was speechless.
**********************************************************************31.7
Intro: One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher
is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I
have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably
genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United
States from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you
will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the
Sarah Dessart and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such
that the inhabitants had to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the
dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the pyramids
in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of
mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of
their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked
Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole
his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve
sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons,
Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led
them to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to
get the ten commandments. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the
liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in
Biblical times. Solomon, one of david's sons, had 500 wives and 500
porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three
kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths.
A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped
him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in
the Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote the Oddity, in which Penelope was
the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer
was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advise.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic games, Granks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The
government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their
own hands. There were no wars in Greece as the mountains were so high
that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing.
When they faught with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because
the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets
the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caeser extinguished
himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him
because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel
tyrrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King
Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery. King Harold mustarded his troops
before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard
Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally,
Magna Carta provided that no true man should be hanged twice for the same
offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer
of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote
literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through
an apple while standing on his son's head.
The renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the Church door at
Wittenberg for selling Papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being
excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the
female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age
of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir
Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes.
Another important inventior was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis
Drake circumsised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking
difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the
"Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed
herself before her troops, they all shouted, "Hurrah." Then her navy went
out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear
never made much money and is famous because of his plays. He lived in
Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors.
In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by
relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to
convince McBeth of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as
Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hole. The next great
author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died
and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Chritsopher Columbus was a real
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His
ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the
Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When
they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came
down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs
carried porpoises on their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The
winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many
babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in
their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post
without any stamps. During the way, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was
throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks
crowing. Finally, the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for
taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of
the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying
all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He
invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "A horse
divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still
dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father
of Our country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the
right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He
said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg
Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an
envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclomation, and the fourteenth amendment gave the ex-negroes
citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would rather torcher and lynch the
ex-negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and
oder. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and
got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. This
ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare
invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was
invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticable in the Autumn when the
apples are falling off trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel
was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach
died from 1750 to the present. Beetoven wrote music even though he was
deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the
forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beetoven expired in 1827
and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revloution was
accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of
the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the
Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their
shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at
Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems, and was
very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but
since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is on
the east and the sun sets in the west. Queen Victoria was the longest
Queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally
the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death
was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring
up. Cyrus McCormic invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of
a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur
discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote
The Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx
became one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the arch-Duck by a
surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.