RWE .vs. HDT
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[ Table of Contents ]
30.1 No PhD for God. -humor- (membryk@vislab.com)
30.2 Apple ][+. -URL- (stavros@eden.com)
30.3 Driving. -humor- (tankboy@eden.com)
30.4 Facts on Parade. -humor- (Carrie_Willingham@ccmailus.dell.com)
30.5 Sing Along. -humor- (yvonne_segraves@ccmail.us.dell.com)
30.6 Torch. -humor- (jharrell@dfw.net)
30.7 The Divine Truth. -joke- (tankboy@eden.com)
30.8 Blueprints For Blockbusters. -humor- (bsegraves@origin.ea.com)
30.9 Weekly Dose of URL. -URLs- (kmembry@greenmtns.com)
30.10 Proper Writing. (chaswell@eden.com)
**********************************************************************30.1
------- Why God never recieved a PhD?
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed jouurnal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human
subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the
sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requierments, most of his students
failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
**********************************************************************30.2
http://www.asimov.net/apple_II/
[ My first computer was an Apple //e. My parents borrowed $3300.00 ]
[ and they bought an Apple //e with one 5 1/4" disk drive, the color ]
[ TV adaptor, and a dot matrix printer! There was no such thing as ]
[ a hard drive and the video resolution was absolutely miserable. ]
[ How miserable? Now you can find out by downloading the apple_II ]
[ emulator from the web page listed above PLUS all kinds of Apple ]
[ software. Be sure to download and play Bolo. It was my favorite! ]
**********************************************************************30.3
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given
by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read
Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at
the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,
"Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too s--- faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer
drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello"if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a
flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.
**********************************************************************30.4
* The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.
* There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo.
* Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.
* Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought
he might be retarded.
* In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely
out of toast.
* In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows.
* An average person laughs about 15 times a day.
* The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
* The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early
1500s.
* The first-known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians
in 2000 B.C.
* America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.
* A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give
her coffee.
* The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.
* The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
* Every person has a unique tongue print.
* Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
* Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
* Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
* About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more
money.
* Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
* Most lipstick contains fish scales.
* Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
* The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard
Nixon, and Elvis Presley.
* 27% of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless
existential hell."
* Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.
* "Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.
* You have just spent three minutes reading this instead of doing that
important work you've been meaning to get to.
[ And isn't that why we ALL get the Weekend Update?!?! ]
**********************************************************************30.5
To the tune of "Supercalifragilisticexpealidocious":
Chorus:
Xeno-homo-necro-peda-pyro-bestiality!
Even though the sound of it is quite an illegality
Laws restricting pleasure are but superficiality
Xeno-homo-necro-peda-pyro-bestiality!
(Hump little animals, hump little guys
Hump little animals, hump little guys)
Well, xeno- that means different and I like them rather strange
Homo- that means similar and I like them just the same
Necro- that means dead and I like them rather stiff
Peda- that means youthful and on this I must insist
Chorus
Pyro- that means fire and I like them lit abit
Bestiality is for the fur that's just the fit
Put them all together and you've got a cozy kit
And if you think of jailing me I might not give a shit
Chorus(Finale)
(Attributed to the Rev. Turtle Davis, ULC)
**********************************************************************30.6
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I thought you would appreciate this, especially those of you that
had an opportunity to view this "historic" event ... Accordingly,
I thought you might like to see a minute-by-minute account of
what REALLY happened as the Torch made its way through our our
nation's capital:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
3:15 Torch arrives at U.S. Capitol
3:30 Torch leaves U.S. Capitol, carried by Bob Dole.
5:00 One block later, Bob Dole hands off torch.
5:15 Torch enters Northeast Washington
5:16 First recorded case of "Torch-jacking" occurs.
6:00 After massive search, Torch is found in a local pawn shop and
repurchased for $25
6:15 Torch arrives at city hall. Crowd is dismayed when Marion
Barry uses it to light his crack pipe.
6:20 Barry is further embarrassed when he is stopped trying to take
the torch to the country for "spiritual renewal".
6:30 Torch heads into Northwest Washington
6:35 Torch runner falls into D.C. pothole.
6:45 Torch is recovered (runner is never found).
6:55 Torch arrives at Dupont Circle. Residents are proud to have
such a high profile "flame" in their area.
7:00 Torch runner attempts to hand off flame to NBA star Juwan
Howard.
7:01 David Falk stops the transaction, demanding $90 million over
two years for Howard's effort.
7:21 Torch arrives at White House.
7:22 FBI files on Torch arrive White House.
7:23 Hillary fires Torch, citing "gross mismanagement and bad
record keeping".
7:24 "Torchgate" hearings begin on Capitol Hill.
7:30 Torch leaves White House, heads across the Mall.
7:32 Torch runner is knocked unconscious by long pop-fly hit by
"With Ourselves" star, John Mechem
7:35 Torch is handed to Republican Presidential candidate, Pat
Buchanan.
7:36 Series of mysterious fires at black churches begins along
Torch route.
8:00 Torch heads for Virginia.
8:15 Crossing the 14th Street Bridge, Torch is accidentally
dropped into Potomac -- entire surface of river immediately
ignites.
8:45 After being recovered by ValuJet divers, Torch enters
Virginia. Upon crossing state line, runner is immediately
assessed personal property tax on torch.
8:47 Runner attempts to hand torch to Virginia Senator John
Warner. Warner refuses, saying he cannot, in good conscience,
support this torch.
9:00 Torch is retired for the evening. USOC vows never to set foot
in the D.C. area again
**********************************************************************30.7
The Divine Truth
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the
reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can
enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of
the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the
languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the
library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working
back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come
running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to
himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is.
After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter R --
the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
**********************************************************************30.8
Blueprints For Blockbusters
By Timothy M. Gray
HOLLYWOOD (Variety) - We've seen the summer's big action films and have
noticed -- dare we say it? -- a certain formula. As a service for all you
producers and screenwriters who are trying to concoct something surefire
for next summer, we have compiled every element you'll need.
All of the following are taken from at least one of the summer's
blockbusters: "Eraser," "Independence Day," "Mission: Impossible," "The
Rock" and "Twister." (Not surprisingly, many elements were used in more
than one film.)
For those of you who haven't seen these movies, don't worry, we're not
giving anything away. Even if you haven't seen these movies, believe me,
you've seen them before.
ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL SCENES
A car exploding
A helicopter exploding
The hero and the love interest run toward the camera and hit the
ground as a building explodes five feet behind them.
Digital printouts at the bottom of the screen, indicating day and
location of the next scene (accompanied by the sound of teletype machine)
The hero drives the wrong way into oncoming traffic, then crashes
through gates -- any gates.
When his colleague is shot, the hero, in slo-mo closeup, shouts:
"Nooooooo!"
TIMELESS SCENES THAT ARE STILL BEING USED
A dozen faceless villains fire on the hero, though none of their
bullets hit him. The hero then turns and kills them all.
The villain captures the heroes, then leaves them unguarded, allowing
them to cleverly escape.
Faced with a seemingly insoluble situation, a supporting character
makes an innocent remark. The hero rises slowly, says, "What did you just
say?" and begins to execute his brilliant solution.
FUN WITH MINORITIES
Italians: Whether lovable or dangerous, they must all be dumb
goombahs with mob connections.
Women: either wives, fiancees or girlfriends (if any of them is
pregnant or a stripper, even better).
Jews: preferably old, with prayer shawls, yarmulkes and rising
inflections. Sample line: "Nobody's poifect."
Gays: swishy and/or hysterical, used for comic relief. Sample line:
"Eeeeeekkkk!" Blacks, Hispanics, Asian-Americans: They can fulfill your
quota needs by playing sincere technicians with one line each. Sample
line: "Sir, I'm getting a reading."
ESSENTIAL COMPUTER SCENES
The hero sits at a computer, punches in info and his eyes widen when
he gets a response he wasn't expecting.
The computer flashes "ACCESS DENIED," accompanied by loud beep-beep-
beep (in action films, unlike life, every computer function is accompanied
by R2D2-style musical accompaniment).
DIALOGUE
Dialogue must be distinctive and original. For example, here are the
most memorable lines from these memorable films.
"Twister": "We gotta get outta here!" "C'mon, c'mon!" "Let's go,
c'mon!" "Hurry, hurry!" "Run!" and "Get every aluminum can you can find!"
"The Rock": "Drop your weapons! Drop 'em!" "Open fire!" "Cease fire!"
"They're onto us!" "Move!" and "Omigod!"
"Eraser": "Drop the guns! Do it now!" "Go, go!" "Go, go, go!" "Stay
down!" "Just calm down!" and "I want his face on this windshield!"
"Mission: Impossible": "They're dead! They're all dead!" "Who sent
you? WHO SENT YOU?" "Why, Jim, why?" "A doctor's gotta look at that."
"Jim was my husband. I want to get the sonuvabitch who did this!" and,
significantly, "This is the Mount Everest of hacks."
"Independence Day": "It's important for everyone not to panic!"
"Let's go, c'mon, c'mon!" "Don't argue with me, just go!" "Omigod, omigod,
omigod!" "Atlanta, Chicago and Philadelphia -- destroyed!" "Tiffany, I've
got a really bad feeling about this." "Hold it, hold it: I'm getting
something on radar!" and, significantly, "God help us all."
CINEMATIC TRIBUTES
Feel free to borrow plots, scenes and relationships from past movies
-- "Topkapi," "Die Hard," any James Bond movie, etc. -- assuming the
audience won't remember the original. However, if anyone notices, explain
that your borrowings are not a ripoff, but an homage.
THE ACID TEST
Finally, reread your script and ask questions of logic:
If a man has been in prison for the last 30 years, would he be adept
at talking on a car phone while driving a Humvee?
Why is it that when the heroes get within five feet of a tornado,
they only have to dodge debris, but when the villains get within five feet
of a tornado, they get sucked up?
Is it difficult to fly a helicopter in the Chunnel? And is it hard
for a man to jump from a high-speed moving train onto a helicopter and
then back again? If the hero falls onto a car with enough force to dent
its roof and shatter its windows, wouldn't he have a slight limp when he
gets up and walks away? When aliens are shaped like giant jellyfish, why
are their spaceships equipped with bucket seats and seatbelts? If aliens
communicate via telepathy, how come nobody in the alien realm notices two
earthlings smoking cigars? Could a stripper carrying a large child outrun
a fireball? Are earth's laptops all compatible with computer systems from
other galaxies (or just Apple's)?
If you come to the conclusion that these are silly questions, that
logic doesn't matter, and that the audience will buy anything, then you
are ready to start filming.
Reuters/Variety
**********************************************************************30.9
http://www.tiac.net/users/nolan/jej/
[ Tee-hee. The "Make James Earl Jones Speak" page. Enter a limited ]
[ number of words into the box, press the magic button and hear Mr. ]
[ CNN, himself, say whatever you want! My favorite is "My daughter ]
[ is now a million dollars and very well experienced." ]
http://www.warpedtour.com/
[ All the info you need on this year's best competitor for the big L ]
[ tour. You can even get a cool animated gif for your web page that ]
[ says "Mom and Dad are going to Lollapalooza... I'm going to the ]
[ Vans(c) Warped Tour". ]
http://www.neo.com/Monk/
[ As self-described: "Monk is the never-ending story of two grown ]
[ men who quit their jobs, sold everything they owned and hit the ]
[ road with their cats, Nurse and Nurse's Aide. For eight years they ]
[ argued across America, publishing the world's only mobile magazine,]
[ traveling first in a '72 Ford Econoline van and then in a 26-foot ]
[ Fleetwood Bounder motorhome, reporting on the incredible people, ]
[ places and phone booths they encountered along the way, until they ]
[ drove each other crazy living in such cramped quarters, especially ]
[ after New York, where three burglaries wiped them clean, and ]
[ Michael turned 40 while Jim started chasing women and the whole ]
[ world seemed like it was falling apart. Then one day Mike fled to ]
[ Florida, was struck by lightening and realized he'd never be able ]
[ to hold a stable job and the journey continued with Jim chasing ]
[ Mike from coast to coast collecting enough parking tickets to ]
[ paper the White House and enough peace, love, goofiness, safe sex, ]
[ high heels and basketballs to make for a very interesting life on ]
[ wheels." Leaves a lot of questions, doesn't it? ]
*********************************************************************30.10
(Almost) Top 40 Rules of Proper Writing
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. Employ the vernacular.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
7. Contractions aren't necessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
9. One should never generalize.
10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."
11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's
highly superfluous.
13. Be more or less specific.
14. Understatement is always best.
15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
17. The passive voice is to be avoided.
18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
20. Who needs rhetorical questions?
21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
22. Don't never use a double negation.
23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with period
24. Do not put statements in the negative form.
25. Verbs have to agree with its subjects.
26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing your work.
28. A writer must not shift your point of view.
30. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
(Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
sentence with.)
30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
31. Place pronouns as close as possible,-especially in long sentences,
as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun
with singular nouns in their writing.
37. Always pick on the correct idiom.
38. The adverb always follows the verb.
39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague;
They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.