nodding slumber.
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[ Table of Contents ]
23.1 Breakfast Loaf. -recipe- (osmon@worldnet.att.net)
23.2 EOD. -humor- (knauss@netcom.com)
23.3 Fun e-Mail. -humor- (etrigan@eden.com)
23.4 Writing. -poetry- (dgl@engr.latech.edu)
23.5 so true...(Dave Barry) -humor- (roseylocks@aol.com)
23.6 Owatonna. -joke- (etrigan@eden.com)
**********************************************************************23.1
[ Yep, a recipe from my Mom. STOP THAT GIGGLING IN THE BACK ROW! ]
Got this great recipe, good to have on hand for fast breakfast food, keep
refrigerated if you use the sausage, which is the way I highly recommend
it.
English Muffin Loaf
400 degree oven, 25 minutes
Grease and dust with cornmeal 2 bread pans
Basic:
2 pkg yeast
6 c. flour
1 Tbsp sugar
2 Tsp salt
2 c Milk
1/4 Tsp baking soda
1/2 c. water
Combine 3 cups flour, yeast, sugar baking soda in large bowl.
Heat (!) milk and water till very warm.
Add to dry mix, beat well.
Stir in rest of flour (enough to make stiff batter).
Spoon into pans, cover with plastic wrap and let rise 45 min.
Bake and remove from pans.
Best as sausage/cheese loaf:
After adding liquids, add
1/2 lb sauteed sausage and
1 1/2 c. grated cheddar
Experiment: like 1/ 4 c. sour cream and 1 1/2 Tbs Chives
Love MOM
**********************************************************************23.2
[ I always feel like I'm stealing Greg's thunder, but when he ]
[ sends out something I enjoy this much I have to include it. ]
[ I hope I'm making up for it by giving him his due: you can ]
[ read back issues of An Entirely Other Day at the EOD web ]
[ site, http://www.etext.org/Zines/EOD/, where you'll find a ]
[ list of back issues for EOD, and instructions for getting ]
[ included in the EOD mailing list! ]
An Entirely Other Day (And My Keys Started To Rust, Too)
So I'm on the back porch in my underwear. I didn't start washing my
jeans until almost 11 last night, and when I finally put everything into
the dryer, I just sorta wedged it all in, hoping for the best.
This morning, they're still wet. Very wet: heavy, clammy,
tacky and stiff. I imagine the dryer is snickering to itself.
All my pants are wet, and I'm on the back porch in my underwear,
late for work.
Great.
I pull all but one pair out and start the dryer again. Maybe I
can get these down to "damp" before I've got to leave.
Tick, tick, tick...
Note: Cleaning the lint filter every thirty seconds doesn't
help.
Tick, tick, tick...
Finally, I decide that I have to leave, so I open the dryer and
pull out my... wet pants. Which are now hot.
I gingerly edge them on -- grimace, contort -- and squish out
to the car. Maybe if I keep all the windows rolled down, I can walk
into work with some dignity.
_That_ just makes them cold.
And the only reason I bring all this up is, I really like the phrase
"damp pants." Go ahead, say it. "Damp pants." It has a rhythm,
doesn't it? "Damp pants, damp pants."
That and "bundt cake."
**********************************************************************23.3
[ at http://www.cco.caltech.edu/~ekrider/FunEMail/funemail.html you ]
[ will actually find someone who has more spare time than I and has ]
[ found a much more bizarre (but somehow less entertaining) way to ]
[ express his boredom. Dave writes to people who have web pages ]
[ that he disagrees with or that he finds absurd, and he (tries to) ]
[ subtly make fun of them... Here's one of the better ones. ]
H 2 Whoa!
Hand me a moist towelette!
The mail . . .
CyberGreetings!
Congratulations on your excellent web site devoted to water and other
water-related factoids. Not enough people know about water and all of
its many uses. As a major publisher of Water Resources Publications,
you may be interested in a few titles that I have penned over the past
few years which have not yet been published:
- One part O, Two Parts H: A recipe for liquid fun!
- Water, Not Just For Swimming, It's For Drinking Too!
- Deadly Polutants and Other European Legacies
- H2O, BLT and Other Lunchtime Acronyms
- Clean Streams: Water They Good For?
(You may notice that I like to put alot of exclamation marks in my
titles. It gets the kids' attention!)
Would you be interested in reading these? If so then please send me
a note indicating what my next step should be. If not then any advice
would be appreciated.
Thank you for your speedy reply.
Dave "water" Krider
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The response . . .
Dear Dave,
Thanks very much for your note about the books and your kind words about
U.S. Water News Online.
Are these books you have written, or are they articles? If one or two are
very recent, we may be interested in reviewing them. You could send a
review copy to my attention at U.S. Water News, xxx xxxx St., Halstead,
KS 67056.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Very truly yours,
U.S. WATER NEWS
Tom Bell
President and Publisher
**********************************************************************23.4
Nothing...
Love has no meaning for me
while in your arms;
For, to have meaning,
there must be difference,
And in your arms
there is only feeling-
With nothing to compare
and nothing to compare.
...is Everything
Dew Drop
As Mist Slowly Fades,
Moisture Gently Falls
To The Earth;
It Is Not Rare,
But It Is Unique
In Beauty,
Yet It Has No Meaning,
Save When Found
In Lover's Eye-
As Dew Drops Fall
And Petals So Caress,
So May One Fall
And Put A Soul To Rest.
A Bleak Space
As the cycle falls again to weakness,
I know that there will come
a separation of souls.
Is it better to fend it off,
or should I live the moment
and embrace the pain as it comes -
A sign that I cannot hide
and beauty will find me
in a moment's happiness;
Should I fly into the bleak space
that is all that will remain,
or should I cover that hole with denial?
**********************************************************************23.5
[ I'm not a big Dave Barry fan, but someone who's dear to me sent ]
[ this in and _she_ is a big Dave Barry fan. Usually that's not ]
[ enough to sway me, but when I went looking for Dave Barry stuff ]
[ on the web I can across this: "Dave Barry, who has been described ]
[ as the 'funniest man in America' writes a weekly column that ]
[ appears in many newspapers. This is a no-frills page that has no ]
[ links or pictures, just some funny columns. Please remember that ]
[ this page is solely for non-commercial purposes to provide my ]
[ friends without access to a paper somewhere to read these columns.]
[ Also, since this page is nothing but a big copyright violation, ]
[ please don't make a big deal linking this page to others." I am ]
[ a big fan of copyright violations, so here's a sample: ]
[ from http://weber.u.washington.edu/~no1husky/dave/dave.html ]
"SHE DRIVES FOR A RELATIONSHIP-
HE'S LOST IN THE TRANSMISSION"
By: DAVE BARRY
CONTRARY to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop
a long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling
relationship with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador
retriever. With human guys, it's extremely difficult. This is
because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term
relationship.
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named
Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a
pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner,
and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other
regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing
anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought
occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it
aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing
each other for exactly six months?''
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a
very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it
bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by
our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into
some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this
kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little
more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want
us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward ...I
mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each
other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage?
Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that
level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking...so that means it was...let's
see...February when we started going out, which was right after I
had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the
odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face.
Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from
our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has
sensed it even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some
reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant
to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being
rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's
still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on
the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees
out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and
I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
COMMUNICATIONS GAP
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this,
but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting
for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm
sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy
being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to
truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my
self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll
give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick
it right up their...
''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.
''What?'' says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes
beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have...Oh
God, I feel so...'' (She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no
knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and
there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that... It's that I...I need some time,'' Elaine
says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he
can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up
with one that he thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.
A BEFUDDLED BEAU
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) ''Oh, Roger, do you
really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
''That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing
him to become very nervous about what she might say next,
especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets
back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and
immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match
between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in
the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was
going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no
way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better
if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy
regarding world hunger. )
IT'S ANALYSIS TIME
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two
of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight
hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she
said and everything he said, going over it time and time again,
exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of
meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will
continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe
months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never
getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile, Roger, while playing
racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's,
will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did
Elaine ever own a horse?''
We're not talking about different wavelengths here. We're talking
about different planets, in completely different solar systems.
Elaine cannot communicate meaningfully with Roger about their
relationship any more than she can meaningfully play chess with a
duck. Because the sum total of Roger's thinking on this
particular topic is as follows:
Huh?
But the point I'm trying to make is that, if you're a woman, and
you want to have a successful relationship with a guy, the No. 1
tip to remember is:
1. Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a
relationship. The guy will not realize this on his own. You have
to plant the idea in his brain by constantly making subtle
references to it in your everyday conversation, such as:
''Roger, would you mind passing me a Sweet 'n' Low, inasmuch as
we have a relationship?''
''Wake up, Roger! There's a prowler in the den and we have a
relationship! You and I do, I mean.''
''Good News, Roger! The gynecologist says we're going to have our
fourth child, which will serve as yet another indication that we
have a relationship!''
''Roger, inasmuch as this plane is crashing and we probably have
only about a minute to live, I want you to know that we've had a
wonderful 53 years of marriage together, which clearly
constitutes a relationship.''
Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and
eventually it will start to penetrate the guy's brain. Some day
he might even start thinking about it on his own. He'll be
talking with some other guys about women, and, out of the blue,
he'll say, ''Elaine and I, we have, ummm . . . We have,
ahhh...We... We have this thing.''
And he will sincerely mean it.
The next relationship-enhancement tip is:
2. Do not expect the guy to make a hasty commitment. By
''hasty,'' I mean, ''within your lifetime.'' Guys are extremely
reluctant to make commitments. This is because they never feel
ready.
''I'm sorry,'' guys are always telling women, ''but I'm just not
ready to make a commitment.'' Guys are in a permanent state of
nonreadiness. If guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in
a 350- degree oven on July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be
done in time for Thanksgiving.
>From the book, "Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys" by Dave
Barry, c 1995 by Dave Barry.
**********************************************************************23.6
[ from my stand-by jokes at http://www.inf.net/~tdloc/jokes.htm ]
OWATONNA, Minn (AP) {found in a neswpaper from Buffalo, NY}
Roy Colette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of
pants as a Christmas present for 11 years - and each time the package
gets harder to open. It all started when Collette received a pair of
moleskin trousers from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville,
Ill. Kunkel's mother had given her son the britches when he was a
college student. He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold
weather and he didn't like them. So he gave them to Collette.
Collette, who called the moleskins "miserable," wore them three times,
then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for Christmas the next
year.
The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted the
pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and
gave them back to Kunkel.
The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch square,
wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette.
Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-
square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel
and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.
The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But
they were as careful as they were clever.
Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-
year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette.
Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a
5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon
container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel
the following Christmas.
Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade steel
ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's name on the
side. Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but
succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.
Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon
Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and
green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The safe
was then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant manager for Viracon's outlet
in Bensenville.
Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of
Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a 1974 Gremlin
with 95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car
advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment.
"This will take some planning," Collette said. "I will definitely get
them out. I'm confident." But he's waiting until January to think about
how to recover the bothersome britches.
"Wait until next year," he warned. "I'm on the offensive again."