The Spleen is Dead, Boys.
Not gonna say much.
*******************************************************************************
[ From the KMc, , a review of "Meet ]
[ the Feebles". (it's a film, ya' dolt!) ]
Uhhhh. It's like... well, it's a... how about, "The Muppet Show on
[insert mind altering drug or mental illness here]."
There's this british theater and it's owned by a big walrus who's
having an afair with a slutty cat even though he's attached to the
overeating hippopotamus Diva who headlines the hit show "Meet the
Feebles". But he's a pretty shady character to begin with. He's trying to
close a BIG coke deal with the whale of a big crime boss who lives down
at the docks and has a punk Rhinocerous henchman.
Meanwhile, the cast
is getting ready for a TV special of their show, but everything seems to
be falling apart. The gay fox director is pushing to put in his "Sodomy"
production number. The Elephant juggler is being sued by a chicken for
Palimony (although he claims the baby isn't his). Also, the walrus'
right-hand rat just lost the male lead from the bondage-porn flicks he
films in back of the theater. He ends up recruiting the aardvark (NOT
Cerebus) who ejaculates out his snout and only gets turned on by soiled
panties. Then of course, ther's the vietnam vet Aligator knife thrower
with a serious smack habit, the rabbit with VD, and the fly showbiz
reporter who tries to dig up dirt on the cast (I'm sorry, I menat to say
he IS a fly. He wasn't very FLY).
In the end, the jilted diva hippo takes revenge on the walrus by
killing almost every member of the cast and audience, the director
performs "You might think it odd of me to enjoy the act of sodomy" to a
stunned audience, and Wobewt the Hedgehog saves his poodle girlfriend and
everybody (except all the dead characters) live happily ever after.
Major themes: BODILY FLUIDS, and the apparent understanding that
since they're animals, it's not so shocking to butcher them. Good luck
finding it in your local theater, if you want to try for video, it's
"Meet the Feebles" directed by Peter Jackson, 1987.
*******************************************************************************
[ From the suddenly socially aware tankboy@eden.com, comes a little ]
[ piece we call "Our Government in action..." ]
Albert de Salvo
Representative Tim Moor sponsored a resolution in the Texas House of
Representatives in Austin, Texas calling on the House to commend
Albert de Salvo for his unselfish service to ``his country, his state
and his community.''
The resolution stated that ``this compassionate gentleman's dedication
and devotion to his work has enabled the weak and the lonely
throughout the nation to achieve and maintain a new degree of concern
for their future. He has been officially recognized by the state of
Massachusetts for his noted activities and unconventional techniques
involving population control and applied psychology.''
The resolution was passed unanimously.
Representative Moore then revealed that he had only tabled the motion
to show how the legislature passes bills and resolutions often without
reading them or understanding what they say. Albert de Salvo was the
Boston Strangler.
*******************************************************************************
[ From arosen@seas.gwu.edu, comes this update of Sunnyrace '95. ]
[ This is the endurance race for Solar Power. Several brain (mis) ]
[ trusts put together solar powered cars and race them...duh! ]
Overall Standings After Day Three
Pos Car# Team Elapsed Average Time from
Competitor
1 17 MIT 10:04:08 39.77
[ Do'h! ]
2 25 Cal Poly-Pomona 10:11:42 39.27 0:07:34
3 28 Northern Essex 10:17:29 38.91 0:05:47
4 35 U of Minn 10:38:58 37.60 0:21:29
5 100 Queens Univ 11:10:03 35.85 0:31:05
6 7 George Wash Univ 11:13:38 35.66 0:03:35
[ Woo Hoo!! Three minutes behind Queens? No Problem!! ]
7 3 Mankato & Winona 12:45:40 31.38 1:32:02
8 95 W Mich Univ 13:01:07 30.76 0:15:27
9 76 Drexel Univ 13:06:09 30.56 0:05:02
10 43 U of Miss-Colum 13:13:59 30.26 0:07:50
11 74 Rose-Hulman 13:48:42 28.99 0:34:43
12 16 Stanford Univ 14:04:56 28.43 0:16:14
13 371 Purdue Univ 14:14:53 28.10 0:09:57
14 777 S Dakota M&T 14:16:29 28.05 0:01:36
15 9 Iowa St Univ 14:22:19 27.89 0:05:50
16 2 U of Maryland 14:50:58 26.96 0:28:39
17 4 Clarkson Univ 14:59:24 26.71 0:08:26
18 500 U of Puerto Rico 15:16:13 26.22 0:16:49
19 96 U of W Ontario 16:10:27 24.76 0:54:14
20 24 U of Waterloo 17:10:05 23.32 0:59:38
*******************************************************************************
[ From Jank (who like myself) was bestowed the honor of growing ]
[ up in the true cultureless South comes this URL to avoid... ]
[ Ok, ok, you might wanna check out Shreveport's idea of Art ]
[ (the neon bridge) and they do have some great gamblin' boats! ]
[ (by the way Jank's address: billjank@ix.netcom.com ]
Howdy all,
Crusising the Net in the middle of the night is one of my favorite
things to do, and imagine my suprise when around that next corner lay
the Shreveport/Bossier home page! Complete with debate over the neon
bridge. it's URL is
http://www.webcom.com/~softdisk/shreve/
Check it out if you can't find anyting productive to do. By the way,
what the heck is the FestiFall waterfall that they're talking about.
I'll write more when I've got something to talk about, and time to do
it.
[ I'll take a shot at that. The Waterfall is a dangerously unfenced ]
[ waterfall around the Civic Center (or ar least that place across ]
[ the Civic Center.) ]
*******************************************************************************
[ Here's "Use a Computer to destroy the Earth" from Cliff ]
[ originally by Anders Andersen ]
Can you destroy the Earth with a computer ?
YES you can,
First you have to find God's computer (it could be god.com)
Second, you have to break the password
(try Jesus, Adam, Moses or maybe Satan)
Third , run the bat program (se underneath) remember to
insert your name.
DELETE Paradise:\*.men
MOVE Anna Nicole Smith TO Paradise:
MOVE Pamela Anderson TO Paradise:
MOVE [ insert name] TO Paradise:
FORMAT Earth:/U
INSTALL Ocean
INSTALL Continent
INSTALL Bacteria
INSTALL Plants
INSTALL Insect
INSTALL Fish
INSTALL Dinosaur
I don't know if the next will work
(There may be a extra password here), but try it anyway
RENAME [insert name] TO God.God
Here are some things to do if you for some reason don't want to
destroy the planet
UNDELETE Einstein.man
RENAME BillGate.god TO BillGate.man
RENAME Michael_Jackson.wom T Michael_Jackson.man
EDIT Sunrise.ini
DELETE SandamHusin.man
COPY Earth:\Africa\Kenya\Lions.anm TO Earth:\Armerica\Usa\New_york\
UNINSTALL Mankind
What ever you do don't forget to do this
ATTRIB [insert name] +R
Anders Andersen
Copenhagen
Denmark
ander91@ibm.net
PS. please insert " MOVE ander91@ibm.net TO Paradise:" in
the bat file
PPS. I suddenly get a horrible thought, what if God is using a
Pentium processor in his computer scarely isn't it. But on the
other hand that will explain why we have black holes, and why weekends
always go faster than the other days, and why girls always look
prettier from a distant . SHIT........
*******************************************************************************
[ And also from mbuna@eden.com... ]
Toughest Questions Women Ask
___________________________
Here are answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask...
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to
an article in last April's issue of Sassy magazine.
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode
into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly,
which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course
is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a
warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are
and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy
was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came
from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg.
"If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For
those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes,
dear."
Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to
confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly
leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance
policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could
be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard thay you
almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In
any
case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers
include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance
policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the
event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I
would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza
truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot,
as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask
such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No,
of couse not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you
like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I
do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly."And would you let her wear my old
clothes?
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me
and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let
her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
*************************************************************************
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