fortunate cookies.
While journeying through lovely (hot, muggy) Georgia I got the chance
to pick up a CD by my favorite post-punk band and to get a bit of
gossip. If you like Green Day's purreed mash, or Offspring's bland
soup-kitchen punk, then you need to hear Five-Eight. I reccommend that
everyone run out and find 5-8's second (of three) album "The Angriest
Man". It's pure joy and it even has a superb cover of Neil Young's
"The Needle and the Damage Done" (not that I'm knocking Mr. Neil
Young's version).
Finding this album ensures your superiority over the rest of the
alternative music pleebs when later this year !Five-Eight release
their first major-label CD! -- that they've been recording in New York.
I qoute: "I learned 'shut up!', I learned promises not to be kept."
and from the liner notes: "the music on this Compact Disc (note
capitalization, as when one writes 'Him') was recorded with analog
equipment, then Digitally Transferred to fit the Compact Disc format,
therefore, it may contain a general sterility, lack of noise, sheen
of infinite high end, and other anomalies associated with Digital
Recording. nonetheless, we hope it is enjoyable as a record."
***********************************************************************toc
[ Table of Contents ]
26.1 Bill Gates for President. -humor- (stavros@eden.com)
26.2 Torch Problems. -humor- (larry_york@ccmail.us.dell.com)
26.3 What a gas! -joke- (sandi_haines@ccmail.us.dell.com)
26.4 Employer Talk. -humor- (Colette_Michelac@ccmail.us.dell.com)
26.5 "Striptease" problems. -humor- (stavros@eden.com)
26.6 Uncle URL. -URLs- (membryk@vislab.com)
**********************************************************************26.1
"Bill Gates is ideally suited to be President. He's a Washington
outsider, yet already has extensive experience running the
Justice Department. His bold (and ambiguous) vision will fit right in
in Washington -- Bill is second to none when it
comes to spinning fantastic dreams of the future while leaving the
present broken."
http://www.gates96.org
**********************************************************************26.2
The Top 15 Problems Encountered Along the Olympic Torch Route
---------------------------------------------------------------
15) Forward progress hampered by slow moving white Bronco.
14) Torch commandeered in Waco by over-zealous ATF agents.
13) One *really* pissed off Smokey the Bear.
12) Budget cuts cause torch to be replaced by less-than-dependable
Bic lighter.
11) Difficulty getting melted marshmellows off torch after s'mores
party got out of hand.
10) Running 7 miles before realizing the torch is still on top of
the urinal at the last rest stop.
9) First-degree burns to runners unfamiliar with how to "receive
the baton."
8) Jim Bob, lying in wait on the outskirts of Memphis with a case
of Bud and a supersoaker.
7) Rosie Ruiz takes flame in NYC -- appears 30 minutes later in
Atlanta.
6) Drive-by goosings.
5) Torchbearers driven insane by repeated playing of the "Chariots
of Fire" theme.
4) Torch-jackings in urban areas.
3) Crazed hippie terrorists replace Olympic Torch with new Olympic
Bong.
2) Male runners repeatedly get lost and refuse to stop for
directions.
and the Number 1 Problem Encountered Along the Olympic Torch Route...
1) Obnoxious drunks who run up and yell, "No, I meant a BUD light!"
**********************************************************************26.3
THE GASTRONOMICAL BEAN STORY
Once upon a time there lived a man who had a maddening
passion for baked beans. He loved them but they always had a very
embarassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day he
met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, "She is such a sweet and gentle girl,
she will never go for this kind of carrying on." So he made the
supreme sacrifice.....and gave up beans. They were married.
Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from
work. And since they lived in the country, he called his wife and
told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his
way he passed a small cafe and the odor of freshly baked beans was
overwhelming. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured
that he would walk off any effects before he got home.
So he stopped at the cafe... Before leaving, he had eaten
three large orders of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted
and after arriving felt reasonable safe that he had putted his last.
His wife seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see him and
exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise
for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded him and led him to his
chair at the head of the dinning table. He seated himself. Just as
she was ready to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made
him vow not to remove the blindfold until she returned, then went to
answer the phone. He seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to
one leg and let go.
It was not only loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took his
napkin from his lap and vigorously fanned the air about him. Things
had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on him
so he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This
was a true prizewinner. While keeping an ear on the converstion in
the hall, he went on like this for 10 minutes until he knew the phone
farewell indicated the end of his loneliness and freedom. He placed
his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it and smiling
contentedly to himself, was a picture of innocence. When his wife
returned, apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked
and he, of course, assured her that he had not. At this point, she
removed the blindfold and there was his surprise........twelve
dinner guests seated around the table for a Happy Birthday party for
him.
**********************************************************************26.4
Now that school is out for many people on the list, many jobs are being
sought. Here in the Minneapolis area, this last Sunday's paper had 7
sections of help wanted ads! That's a lot of jobs! To help people get
just that right job, I'm pleased to provide a valuable glossary of job
related terms.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
EMPLOYER TALK
"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:" You'll be making under $7 an hour.
"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:" You'll be making
under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
"AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:" We want you to get your hopes up,
but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.
"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:" Once it's shared between the higher-ups,
there won't be a profit.
"COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than
our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you;
you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:" Inc. Magazine wrote us up a
few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
"IMMEDIATE OPENING:" The person who used to have this job
gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:" We're not
going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll
wait 30 days for your first commission check.
"SELF-MOTIVATED:" Management won't answer questions
"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:" After 90 days, you can join our HMO,
which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:" After 3 years, we'll allow you
to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a
5 percent matching contribution.
"SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:"...who still
live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that
you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:" We have a lot of turnover.
"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Guys in gray suits
will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
"FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Your coworkers will be insulted if you
don't drink with them.
"A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:" We booze it up at company parties.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind
schedule on your first day.
"SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:" If we're in trouble, you'll
go on TV and get us out of it.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some
time each weekend.
"SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:" We'll offer you $22k to start.
"A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:" You'll give boring speeches
on your own time.
"FLEXIBLE HOURS:" Work 40 hours; get paid for 26.
"DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:" Those who missed the last
round of layoffs, that is.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control.
"COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:" Unless you wasted those four years
studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for
resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll
need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company
in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities
of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen,
figure out what they want and do.
"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:" You whine, you're fired.
"ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:" We loooooove brown-nosers.
*** APPLICANT SPEAK
"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac.
When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:" I talk too much and like to tell other
people what to do.
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I've
used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask
me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:" I'll keep crystals at my desk and
do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
"I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:" I know a lot of corny, old jokes
and I tell them badly.
"I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited personal
advice to co-workers.
"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:" As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer.
"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:" You're probably
looking for someone more experienced.
"I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job.
I'm outta there.
"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:" I'm a college drop-out.
"I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:" I've been accused of
sexual harassment.
"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:" Wait! Don't throw me away!
"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold
my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my
interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
**********************************************************************26.5
Top 16 Problems Encountered By Demi Moore While Practicing For Her
Role In "Striptease"
16.Dolly Parton filed suit in 'look and feel' infringement case.
15.Couldn't get properly motivated unless someone stuffed $12 million
in her g-string.
14.Confused "Saved By The Bell" fans bugging her for Screetch's
autograph.
13.Two words: Thong Chafe!
12.Sharon Stone repeatedly phoning the set and screaming, "Slut!"
11.Reebok Pump implants still a new technology.
10.Frequently had to stop in middle of strip routine to breast-feed
hungry cast.
9.Family Values people put the whammy on that proposed Happy Meal
promotion.
8.Constantly stalked by weird, balding, nutcase. Okay, sure he's her
husband, but it still freaked her out!
7.Fast shimmying caused silicone to clump into one large boob.
6.Obscure union rule requiring that body makeup be applied by a
different big sweaty guy each day.
5.Willard Scott kept wandering in "looking for the Today show set."
4."Lap Dance Scene 38 -- Take 326 -- Action!"
3.Undercover research efforts constantly thwarted by propositions
from Charlie Sheen.
2.Left breast kept storming off the set.
1.That annoying NippleCam.
**********************************************************************26.6
[ A big thanks to Kirk "Uncle Url" Membry for not letting this ]
[ issue be completely infested with jokes. ]
http://public.pacbell.net/ - Pacific Bell..cool stuff in Toys (JAVA!)
[ more specifically at Pac Bell's web site you'll find a Rorshach ]
[ ink blot generator with a handy version of Eliza all written in ]
[ Java, so you have to use the latest Internet Explorer beta or ]
[ Netscape 2.0 or better. (Eliza is a classic computer program ]
[ that 'analyzes' the things you type in. Supposedly Eliza was ]
[ the first of a great rush of psycho-analyzers for computers. ]
[ It's about as fun as Mad Libs, and lasts about as long.) ]
http://www.wbanimation.com/ - great background wallpaper
** BONUS ** if you use IE 3.0, right click on the background and say
make wallpaper, then your desktop will have that cool background!
[ The Warner Bros. Animation site: "Hellooo Fanimaniacs!!! Welcome ]
[ to Warner Bros. Animation! Come with us as we take you behind ]
[ the scenes of Warner Bros. Animation and the Kids' WB! Shows. ]
[ There are games, GIFs, videos, sounds and much more awaiting you ]
[ here. Come in and explore our virtual world of animation!" ]
[ This _is_ a great place to steal background images from! ]
[ ..oh, IMHO, if you're actually using IE 3.0 you're simply using ]
[ the _second_ best browser available...and as "No Fear" says ]
[ "Second place is the first loser." : ) ]
http://www.teleport.com/~gerrit/murders.html
[ Buzzkill, but unfortunately these things happen and it's nice to ]
[ see people doing something to help. This web site is dedicated ]
[ to the memory of two lesbian activists from Medford, Oregon, ]
[ Michelle Abdill and Roxanne Ellis; the court case surrounding ]
[ their murder; and Oregan's anti-gay stance. ]
http://alterworld.com/assindex.html
[ If biting tastless humor is your idea of a good read, you will ]
[ find a heaping helping in Mr. Asshole's column at AlterWorld. ]
[ Here's a few choice snippets from his last release: ]
[ "Cancel your vacations! Mark your diaries! Stock up on hippie ]
[ repellant! Glastonbury is going ahead - on the Internet. ]
[ Don't make me barf! What's next, "take a shit on the ]
[ Internet"? Listen, here's what the net is good for: reading ]
[ my column. Here's what the net is not good for: eating, ]
[ fucking, picking your nose, boring concerts in muddy English ]
[ fields with hordes of smelly neo-hippies." ... "Talking of ]
[ smelly, Michael Jordan. Whose fucking idea was it to produce ]
[ 'Michael Jordan cologne?'...Coming soon: ]
[ Keith Richards wrinkle cream ]
[ Meatloaf weight loss program ]
[ Dave Kendall "undetectable" hair replacements ]
[ Weiland's tips for staying off drugs ]
[ Courtney Love book of etiquette ]
[ O.J.Simpson marriage guidance counseling"... ]
[ "You can hear them sniffing around. Democratic dirtmongers, ]
[ trying to scratch up something against Colin Powell in case ]
[ he does cave in and VP (vibrate penis) for Ol' Dole. The ]
[ best they've got so far is Colon's refusal to send Saddam ]
[ to Sodom on that Iraqi vacation a few years back. Colon ]
[ Bowel's refusal to finish the job pales next to Mark Chapman, ]
[ who was smart enough to shoot Lennon but then inexplicably ]
[ left Yoko to plague the earth." ]
[ And in a celebration of the currently (yet temporarily) defeated ]
[ CDA, Uncle Url provides these for us. (forgive me for not doing ]
[ a review for them all, but one can only take so much "sex on the ]
[ internet") ]
The Sex List:
http://www.nicki.com - the one and only...Nicki Lewis
http://www.amatsrus.com - Amateurs R Us
http://www.pamwatch.com - PamWatch
http://www.kinky.com
http://www.mdb1.com/sex_sitedaily.htm - Sex Site of the Day
http://204.252.0.105/vc1/
http://www.erosnet.com
http://www.ics1.com/babes
http://www.persiankitty.com/ - Persian Kitty
**********************************************************************26.7
[ ...and from my over flowing pool of jokes... ]
My wife told me of a book about finding the G spot. I went to a bookstore.
I couldn't even find the book ... My wife bought it for me. There were no
pictures, maps, or diagrams. It just said it was about two-thirds of the
way in. Great. Compared to who?
People want to take sex education out of the schools. They believe sex
education causes promiscuity If you have the knowledge, you use it. Hey,
I took algebra. I never do math.
My father said, "Mike, if you masturbate you'll go blind." I said, "Dad--
I'm over here."
The horse and mule live 30 years
And know nothing of wines and beers
The goat and sheep at 20 die
and never taste of scotch and rye
The cow drinks water by the ton
And at 18 is mostly done
The dog at 15 cashes in
Without the aid of rum or gin
The cat in milk and water soaks
And then in 12 short years it croaks
The modest, sober, bone-dry hen
Lays eggs for nogs and dies at 10
All animals are strictly dry
They sinless live and swiftly die
But sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men
Survive for three score and ten
And some of us the mighty few
Stay pickled til we're 92