unwired for a week
We're all entitled to a vacation and I just took mine. I didn't tell
any of my readers in an effort to alleviate the hordes of fans following
me to my solitude...maybe I have been too long on the road...
My journey started with a trip to San Francisco Saturday a week ago. Of
course every night of my 4 days in the bay were spent with way too much
alcohol. This wouldn't be so bad except that I had to speak on Tuesday
morning. I was having a severe shortage of active brain cells when my
panel came up. I had enough grey matter to either think or speak. So,
I'm not sure what I said, but the things I thought I was gonna say sure
sounded ok.
Before you go to SF, be sure to familiarize yourself with the public
transportation. A taxi from the airport to the hotel was $30, and places
that look walkable on the map are mystically further than they should be.
I think it has something to do with the fog. One of my co-conventioneers
decided that he knew the way to Fisherman's wharf. He led us from the
Westin St. Francis to the bay right to Pier 1...Fisherman's Wharf is
Pier 39, unfortunately. We did a lot of walking.
I, also, saw "The Rock" while I was there (how could I resist?) I won't
fill up too much space with a full review, but it's a kick-butt action
movie that'll put you on edge many many times before you get a chance to
see daylight again.
After SF, I found myself in Rutledge, GA. Far from real cities. far
from technology. far from a phone. I nearly had to be rushed to a
hospital to get over my withdrawl. Now, I'm wired (but still in GA) and
finishing up this issue for you. I just know you'll like it!
***********************************************************************toc
[ Table of Contents ]
25.1 yet more. -URLs- (membryk@vislab.com)
25.2 Seen in the paper. -humor- (stavros@eden.com)
25.3 Rejected Twisters. -humor- (sandi_haines@ccmail.us.dell.com)
25.4 Dragonheart. -review- (gpgibson3@aol.com)
25.5 Confucius say... -humor- (larry_york@ccmail.us.dell.com)
25.6 Aggie road work. -joke- (larry_york@ccmail.us.dell.com)
25.7 Origin of a man's sex life. -joke- (larry_york@ccmail.us.dell.com)
25.8 MacGyver Chocolate Chip Cookies. -humor- (xiphoid@nicom.com)
25.9 Tech Support story #1. -humor- (stavros@eden.com)
25.10 Tech Support story #2. -humor- (mbuna@eden.com)
**********************************************************************25.1
http://www.reeldv8.com/
[ A home page for actresses who need a home screen. ]
http://www.barefacts.com/~chosoda/index.html
[ The Bare Facts Video Guide web infomercial. Information on the ]
[ foremost authoritative guide to actors' and actresses' nude scenes ]
[ in video. ]
http://www.indirect.com/www/beetle87/rush/index.html
[ Punch Rush Limbaugh Home Page. Need I say more? ]
http://www.aloha.net/~brvhrt/script.txt
[ The entire Braveheart Script... I haven't seen this yet; is it ]
[ really _that_ good? ]
http://www.feist.com/~jmayans/lemonade/
I used to play a similar game on my apple 2 plus!
http://www.wco.com/~aerick/lingo.htm
[ Language is ever-changing. This is particularly true in prisons, where ]
[ there is the motion of people coming and going, a culture based on a ]
[ unique set of circumstances, and the need to speak in words that often ]
[ carry depths of meaning. ]
[ Samples: ]
[ Drop a Dime: To inform on someone. "He dropped on dime on his bunkie" ]
[ Peckerwood: or "Wood" for short, a white man down with his race. ]
[ S.A.: A mexican (pronounced "essay") ]
**********************************************************************25.2
True Excerpts from Newspapers
-----------------------------
2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234.
Leave mess.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan
Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in
the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots
of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References
required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! ***
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross
and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of
family.
????
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for
$1.00.
**********************************************************************25.3
The Top 17 Rejected Titles for the Movie "Twister"
17> "Totally Gone With The Wind"
16> "Lift and Separate"
15> "Boys on the Side -- Of My Barn"
14> "Summer Film So Full of Special Effects We Couldn't
Fit in the Plot"
13> "The Weather Channel: The Movie"
12> "Schindler's Twist"
11> "Field of Debris"
10> "Dead Man Flying"
9> "I, Cumulus"
8> "One House Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"
7> "The Splintered Bridges of Madison County"
6> "Wizard of Oz II: The Search For Toto"
5> "Killer Genuine Draft"
4> "Four Weddings & A Funnel"
3> "Indiana Jones and the Trailer Park of Doom"
2> "A Funnel Thing Happened On The Way To The Farm"
and the Number 1 Rejected Title for the Movie "Twister..."
1> "Roofless in Seattle"
**********************************************************************25.4
Movie Review: Dragonheart
Okay, so this isn't the best picture in the world, but I liked it. First,
let's discuss some of the negatives. The most obvious is the portrayal of
Bowen by Dennis Quaid. Some have bashed him for not attempting a british
accent while surrounded by the same in the movie. Must I remind those
critics of the Costner debacle. As with Gere in First Knight, I am glad that
Quaid just did his own thang. The second negative is the ending. For
those who haven't seen it, I won't go into it, but it took a climax and
doused it with a pitcher full of "saw it coming." At best, it was
sensible, but I hoped for something more creative and hopeful. The
obvious winner for this movie was the special effect (dragon scenes). I
must admit that I didn't pay too much attention to detail throughout the
movie, but the artistry with the dragon was great. It won me over from
the start, giving me a reason not to look for faults. So, in conclusion,
this was highly entertaining. However, I must advise renting it. The
special effects will look just as good on the TV as on the big screen.
Whatever you do, I recommend seeing it.
**********************************************************************25.5
Confucius say:
Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow
up to be shiftless bastard.
He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.
Man who farts in church sits alone in pew.
Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Modern house without toilet uncanny.
Man who have hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Short man who dance with tall women get bust in mouth.
Man who lay women on ground has peace on earth.
Baseball very strange game. How can man with 4 balls walk?
Man who gets kicked in testicles left holding bag.
Virginity like balloon, one prick and it is all gone.
Man who have hand in pocket, not crazy, just feeling nuts.
**********************************************************************25.6
An aggie engineering student was so relieved to get a summer
internship he didn't care that he would be painting highway stripes
for the DOT. The first day, he painted 10 miles of stripes. The
foreman was impressed. His second day on the job, the aggie only
painted two miles of stripes. Since he had done so well his
first day, the foreman decided to excuse his lack-luster performance.
The third day, the aggie only painted one mile worth of stripes. The
foreman thought this was inexcusable and asked the aggie, "What's
the deal?
Your first day you did so well. The second day was not so good. Today,
you did less work than I did."
The frustrated aggie replied, "I'm sorry boss, the bucket just keeps
getting farther and farther away!"
**********************************************************************25.7
Origin of a man's sex life
------------------------------------
It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and
bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified
"Only twenty years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was very adamant
-that was all man could have.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years.
"But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "Ten is plenty for me."
Man spoke up eagerly. "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously
agreed.
Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the
lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I
have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could.
Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the
others, ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other
ten?" Which explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus
ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of
making an ass of himself.
**********************************************************************25.8
The MacGyver Cookbook
Well, folks, here it is. I didn't have time to cook this stuff myself
for you the way Paul Newman does, so I just wrote up this cookbook to
give you all the recipes, tried and true just like I make'em in my own
kitchen at home.
CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES:
Frequent flier coupons
One medium paperclip (not plastic coated) One movie ticket stub
Now remember that chocolate-chip cookies are supposed to be a nice
relaxing kind of food, so the first thing you'll want to do to make
them is to go somewhere where you can kick back and relax. Ecuador is
good, so use your frequent-flier coupons to pick up a round-trip
ticket there. The stewardess will hand you a couple of bags of
peanuts, but don't eat them, since we're going to need those for the
cookies.
You'll find yourself sitting next to an attractive woman who teaches
archaeology at Cornell; she'll explain that she's going to Ecuador to
try to find her father--a biochemist by trade, but he dabbles in
archaeology as a hobby--who went down there to find the lost pyramid
of Sesquichachloride, well known in archaeological circles as the
fabled storehouse of the god Valhequesal who, according to myth, rode
down from the skies on a pillar of fire bringing with him a wealth of
powerful but somewhat failure-prone magical devices that, according to
the priests of the day, were pretty darn all-around nifty.
Now her father, after examining several stone tablets depicting the
god Valhequesal, discovered that he is always shown wearing a curious
bracelet on his left wrist that looks surprisingly like a digital
watch, leading him to the conclusion that Valhequesal did actually
exist, but he was really an advanced space traveller with
comparatively poor taste in accessories, and that the lost pyramid of
Sesquichachloride must contain his spacecraft and untold other devices
from his world. About this time, the stewardess will bring by the main
meal and you'll want to be sure to save the little packets of salt and
butter that come with your meal--the woman next to you will be too
worried about her father to eat and so you'll want to take her packet
of butter and go ahead and keep her crackers too.
When you get off the plane in Ecuador, just go out to the front of the
airport and try to locate a cab. There won't be any, for some reason,
so you'll go inside to inquire about where transportation might be
found and some guy will stumble against you and when you look at him,
you'll notice that he's been stabbed in the left side and is bleeding
pretty profusely. With a weakly shaking hand, he'll thrust the key to
a safety deposit box into your hand, gasp something about "be careful
of the poison ivy" and expire messily on the floor of the terminal.
You'll decide that maybe waiting for a cab is the better part of valor
and head back outside--on the way, though, be sure to stop at the
concession stand and ask for a half-pound of chocolate chips. The
clerk will measure the appropriate amount and put it in a bag for you.
Be sure your movie ticket stub is visible in the handful of change you
pull from your pocket to pay her. She'll reach down under the counter
and then surreptitiously drop a roll of microfilm into your bag along
with the chocolate chips, then hand you the bag, saying, "On the
house."
At this point, speed is of the essence--get back outside the concourse
before a swarthy man with a mustache strides up to the snack shop
holding a movie ticket stub. Moments later he and the clerk will run
out the door looking for you, just as the woman who sat next to you on
the plane drives up in her rental car and offers you a lift.
Cheerfully accept, and hop in before the man with the mustache
disconnects the safety on his gun. If all goes well, you'll both be
out of the parking lot and on your way before he has time to squeeze
off more than one shot--and he'll miss on the first one anyway and the
woman driving the car will think it was just another vehicle
backfiring. She'll be kind enough to offer to let you stay in her
hotel room, but she'll need to stop off at the bank first to take care
of a little business. While she's talking with the bank
representative, you casually wander back to the safety deposit boxes
and open the one that matches the key. In it, you'll find a fair sized
paper bag containing bags of flour, sugar, baking soda and a large
bottle of calamine lotion; take this along with the folded piece of
paper lining the bottom of the safety deposit box. Go back to the
lobby just as she's getting ready to leave.
Once the two of you get back into the car and start driving, unfold
the piece of paper--it's a map leading to somewhere deep in the
Ecuadorian jungle. Look more closely at it just as your companion
notices the map, gasps, nearly runs the car off the road, and exclaims
"That's my father's handwriting!" From this point on, it's pretty
straightforward--just trek through the jungle with her for a few days,
evade the occasional drug lord and that guy with the mustache, locate
the hidden temple and descend down a long pole into its depths, and
locate the treasure room.
There'll be a large golden idol in the northwest corner with huge
rubies for eyes, a golden bowl in his lap, and a bird's nest on his
head. Put the butter from the plane into the bowl and stir until
softened. Get the gold cup to the left of the idol and add two cupfuls
of sugar to the butter, stir until creamed. And two eggs from the
nest, one swiss army knife spoonful of baking soda and two-and-a-half
cups of flour, being sure to remove the large plastic bag of cocaine
that was hidden in the bag of flour first. Mix well, add the peanuts
from the flight and the chocolate chips from the bag, pocketing the
microfilmed list of drug contacts first, and place by swiss army knife
spoonfuls onto the silver tray propped up against the back of the
idol.
Once the cookie batter is on the tray, your companion will ask to lick
the bowl, but in doing so will bump against the gold torch held in the
idol's right hand and there will be a low grinding sound as the stone
block that forms the doorway to the drug smugglers' lab slides out of
the way and you'll see her father chained to a lab table being forced
to refine drugs for the smugglers. While they're having a beautiful
and happy reunion, pick up a strange device from the outer room and
bring it into the lab where there's better light for a closer
inspection. Be sure to bring the cookie sheet too and set them next to
each other on the lab table. Your companion and her father will be
trying to figure out how to get him unchained while you note that the
device in question is clearly of extraterrestrial manufacture and
appears to be some sort of highly powerful laser cutting
device--except that it shows signs of being dropped, breaking the
actuator wire and misaligning the front partial mirror.
Tell them to be quiet for a moment as you use the fish scaling blade
from your swiss army knife to realign the partial mirror to one
quarter wave and then unfold the paperclip, using it to reconnect the
high-voltage trigger to the laser firing mechanism. Have him stand
back while you use the high-powered laser to cut through the chain
holding him to the table and, incidentally, the wall on the other side
of the room, alerting the drug smugglers to your presence. They'll
burst into the room and one will fire a pistol at you, missing you but
hitting the laser, forcing it permanently on and cracking the rear
reflector, bathing the area--the cookies in particular--with
high-energy radiation. Now get chased around the interior of the
temple for a while and, just after the second brief romantic moment
where you kiss her and think "Gosh, for someone who's been running
around the Equadorian jungle for nearly a week, her hair's not greasy
at all" the cookies should be done.
Run back through the drug lab, grab the cookie sheet, noting that the
cooling system for the laser has failed and it's about to explode, and
run to the outer room where the three of you scale the pole with the
bad guys in hot pursuit. By the time you reach the top of the pole,
the bad guys will be halfway up it already, so uncap the bottle of
calamine lotion and pour it onto the pole, causing them to fall back
into the temple as you and your companions escape into the jungle
depths just moments before the entire secret temple explodes,
destroying the drug smuggling operation along with all the
extraterrestrial artifacts.
By now the cookies should be cool enough to eat. Enjoy. Your
companions will have a few too, wistfully sighing over the loss of so
much knowledge so senselessly, as you take another cookie and notice
that the metal sheet you baked them on has etched onto it the plans
for what appear to be some sort of space drive.
Anyway, this is the best chocolate-chip cookie recipe I've ever tried--
I've made it dozens of times and haven't had a single bad batch yet.
**********************************************************************25.9
>From an ex-field sales/support survivor:
I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in
with a smoking power supply. The service rep was having a bit of trouble
convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem.
Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.
Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into...
Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with...
Customer: I know that there is something that I can put in... some
command... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS.
[After a few minutes of going round and round]
Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a
hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use.
I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line
as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your computer.
[Customer does this]
Customer: It is still smoking.
Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a
patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.
[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this
guy but NO... he calls back four hours later]
Service Rep: Hello Sir, how is your computer?
Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is
incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get
a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and
how much it will cost..
*********************************************************************25.10
A friend of mine was on the phone with a tech rep from another company. That tech rep called in to ask some questions about system setup, as the
company this tech works for actually sells, installs and warranties
systems. While they were on the phone, this tech rep received an incoming
call, which he took after. When the caller hung up, the tech rep came
back on the phone, laughing like a crazy person. This is the call he
took:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I
am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a
trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it
have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't
stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive
as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.