Whistle Stop.
Thank the deity of your choice or absence thereof for the cold front that
just happened to move in to Austin on the same weekend that my A/C went
down. Despite a busted fan motor I spent the afternoons working in
mild coolness.
********************************************************************
Movie Review: CONGO
It's no Jurassic Park, but it's well-acted and the special effects are
some of ILM's best. It's almost worth it to skip the movie and just
catch one of "The Making Of..." specials on TV.
*********************************************************************
[ from a beloved co-worker here's the Alcohol (Ab)Users Troubleshooting ]
[ Guide. ]
ALCOHOL USERS' TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
| SYMPTOM | FAULT | ACTION TO BE TAKEN |
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Drink fails to | Mouth not open | Buy another pint and practice in
give satisfaction | while drinking OR | front of mirror. Continue with as
and taste. Shirt | glass being applied| many pints as necessary until
front is wet. | to wrong part of | drinking technique is perfect.
| face. |
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Drinking gives no | Glass is empty. | Find someone who will buy you
satisfaction and | | another pint.
taste. Glass is | |
unusually pale and| |
clear. | |
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feet wet and cold | Glass is empty. | Turn glass the other way up, so
| | that the open end is pointing at
| | the ceiling.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feet wet and warm | Incorrect bladder | Go and stand next to nearest dog,
| control. | after a while, complain to dog's
| | owner about the lack of house
| | training. Demand a pint as
| | compensation.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bar blurred | You are looking | Find someone who will buy you
| through the bottom | another pint.
| of an empty glass. |
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bar Swaying | Air turbulence is | Insert broom handle down back of
| unusually high. May| jacket.
| be due to darts |
| match. |
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bar Moving | You are being | Find out if you are being taken to
| carried out. | another pub,if you're not,complain
| | loudly that you're being hijacked
| | by the salvation army.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
You notice the | You have fallen | If your glass is full and no one is
wall oposite is | over backwards. | standing on your drinking arm then
covered with | | stay put.
ceiling tiles and | |
strip lights. | |
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everything has | You have fallen | As for falling backwards.
gone dim, and you | over forwards. |
have a mouthful of| |
broken teeth and | |
dog ends. | |
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everything has | The bar is closing.| PANIC !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
gone dark. | |
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
You wake up to | You have spent the | Check your watch to see if it is
find your bed cold| night in the gutter| opening time - if not then treat
hard and wet. You | | yourself to a lie-in.
can't see your | |
bedroom walls or | |
ceiling. | |
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
... HOSPITALS! They clean you with alcohol, but make you drink water!
*********************************************************************
Friends' Fanatics Unite! If you haven't registered for the NBC/AT&T Friends
Sweepstakes, here's how. Dial 1-800-580-4ATT (1-800-580-4288) and enter
your phone number, age, and gender (1 - male, 2 - female). The grand prize
is a reunion for you and 10 of your friends on the set of Friends. At the
very least you could win a $10 Pre-paid AT&T long distance calling card!
And remember: one of your 10 best friends should be the person who told
you about the sweepstakes in the first place. <hint-hint>
*********************************************************************
[ From kmembry@databank.com, a collection of URL's worth perusing ]
"Spies Like Us"
http://www.niagara.com - view Niagara Falls online
http://www.ausys.se/weather/weathre.htm - latest weather report from
Stockholm, Sweden
http://www.igc.apc.org/mushroom/pine.html - The Pine, Colorado Weather Cam @
8500 feet
"Virtual Tourist"
http://wings.buffalo.edu/world - maps of the world, clickable to find info on
anywhere, anytime!
*********************************************************************
[ Scott Adams says he doesn't mind me reprinting this w/in the ]
[ confines of nettiquette, so here are excerpts from Dogbert's ]
[ New Ruling Class. It's Scott Adams (the creator of Dilbert) ]
[ occasional newsletter. I'm giving you the parts I think are ]
[ funny, but if you want to become a member of DNRC I've left ]
[ instructions at the bottom. ]
Dilbert Newsletter 6.0
----------------------
DNRC Status Report
------------------
At the latest count, there are 40,000 brighter-than-average and increasingly
attractive members of the DNRC, poised to take their place at Dogbert's side
when he conquers the world and makes everybody else our slaves.
Remember, there is power in numbers. And power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
So if you have an important date planned, bring us all with you. It can
only help.
Family Circus Online
--------------------
For those of you who missed it, Bil Keane, creator of Family Circus, held an
online "chat" with fans on America Online. I was lucky enough to catch part
of it and include the transcript below as a public service.
ModestoGuy: "Bil, how old is little Billy?"
ScottAdams: "ModestoGuy, Bil can't see your question unless
you hit the 'Interact with Host' button."
ModestoGuy: "Well, then how old is Dollie?"
ScottAdams: "ModestoGuy, WE can see your question but Bil
can't unless you press the 'Interact with Host'
button.
ModestoGuy: "Bil, why are you ignoring me?"
ScottAdams: "ModestoGuy, he CAN'T SEE YOUR DAMN QUESTION!!!"
ModestoGuy: "Okay, okay. You don't have to get nasty."
ScottAdams: "Sorry. I don't know what came over me."
ModestoGuy: "So, Bil, How old is Barfy?"
Tech Support People Respond
---------------------------
In an article I wrote for Windows Magazine (May 1995) I said some things that
angered people who work in tech support. Many wrote to point out how
difficult it is to work with idiot users like me. The best example from a
reportedly true tech support incident went something like this:
"I asked a user if he was running his program under
Windows. He said "No. My desk is by the door -- but
you know, you make a good point. Tony sits under a
window and his program is working fine."
Hold the Presses
----------------
According to news reports, Philip Morris has recalled billions of cigarettes
because they are concerned that there is something unhealthy in them.
(Insert your own joke here)
Name the Non-DNRC People
------------------------
In the last newsletter I asked what we should call people who are not in the
DNRC. The rules were that the name should sound harmless to them but we
would recognize it as a clever insult. I didn't specify that the name had to
be sophomoric, but most of you accurately surmised that I would rate those
suggestions higher. Hundreds of suggestions poured in.
And the winner is:
*** In-duh-viduals ***
As promised, sainthood has been bestowed on the winner, Saint Heather of
Beantown.
Usage: "You're quite an in-duh-vidual, Andy."
Meaning: "Someday you will be cleaning the gunk
behind my refrigerator, houseboy."
Although "in-duh-viduals" is the preferred name, any of the honorable mention
names can also be used (see below). After all, it's not as though the
In-duh-viduals will catch on.
Honorable mention:
------------------
"Stars"
Because from our perspective, none of them are very bright and there are more
of them than we really need -- G. Guglielmo
"Team Players"
Because that's a nice way to say "loser" -- T. Miller
"Barren (of intelligence)"
Pronounced "Baron" -- J. Strachan
"Dildon't"
No explanation needed -- J. Andrews
"Wiz"
Sounds like a bodily function -- J. Becker
"Honey"
Because honey is just bee-poop -- N. Daly
DNRC Enemies List
-----------------
Many of you wrote to suggest friends and family members who should be added
to the DNRC enemies list. But I think it's important that we only include
people we can all agree on. So this is how the list stands:
1. Little Billy from Family Circus
2. Satan
3. Snuggles the fabric softener bear (new)
4. Stacy, Goddess of Potatoes (new)
Many people wrote to suggest that Barney the purple dinosaur should be added
to the enemies list. But that would seem redundant with item #2.
Marcia Clarke's hair stylist has been removed from the enemies list. Soon
after the Dilbert Newsletter mentioned Marcia's hair she abruptly changed
stylists and emerged with a new DNRC-Approved look. This is likely to sway
the jury in her favor and result in O.J.'s conviction by a jury of his peers;
all of whom are Heismann Trophy winners if I'm not mistaken.
How to Subscribe Automatically
------------------------------
You can subscribe to the Dilbert List automatically by sending an e-mail with
the address, subject and message shown:
Address: listproc@internex.net
Subject: Dilbert
Message: subscribe Dilbert_List Joe Blow
(except put your real name instead of Joe Blow).
Your e-mail address will be picked up automatically, so you need not specify
it. The only thing you customize is your first and last name.
********************************************************************
Well, that's it. Enjoy your week!