When I was stealing tortillas...
When I was stealing tortillas from Papasito's on Saturday night I thought
I wouldn't have much to write about. The weekend hadn't been what I was
expecting and I wasn't looking forward to much, but with a visit from a
high school chum I've had a lot of laughs. Unfortunately, they were all
extremely silly (and possibly banal) and you wouldn't understand them
one damn bit, so I'm leaving them trapped in my brain.
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[ A joke found by Curt <tankboy@eden.com> (I won't mention Curt's ]
[ taste, or lack thereof, this time.) ]
Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a
Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold a
real Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three
wishes. The Genie said, "Nope...not these days...I'm only
giving out 1 wish because of inflation. So...what'll be?"
Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want peace in the Middle
East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting
with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, man!
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm
good but I'm not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. So
make another wish."
Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really
don't like my wife. They think she's a real bitch and ugly as
sin. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world
and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want."
The Genie thought for a minute and said, "Hhhmmm. Lemme see that
map again."
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While You Were Sleeping: I'm sure I've said it before, and if I see any
more movies as funny and heart-warming as this one, I'll say it again.
A big "Huzzah!" to Hollywood for bringing back the romance in a pure
form. Not since Rock Hudson was still in the closet and Jimmy Stewart
was above doing commercial voice-overs has the world seen a movie of this
caliber. I laughed, sniffled, laughed, and cheered. Let's just say
that anyone with a heart should see this movie.
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If you have not worked in college radio or scoured the shelves of Tower
Records lately then you've missed out on what could possibly be the
biggest bennie of the 'alternative'(to what?) music explosiion: CMJ
New Music Journal.
When Johnny Rollerfeet was just a lowly dj at his local college radio,
one of the things to look forward to was CMJ. It not only kept a listing
of Top 10's from college radio stations around the country, but it came
with a CD of choice tracks of the up-n-coming. I still have a (stolen)
disc with 'Alive' from Pearl Jam, and another with 'Divine Intervention'
from Matthew Sweet. Of course, we (the dj's) had heard of these bands
before, and played their stuff, but now we knew they'd be getting major
play across the country.
Of course we also had to listen to crap like Fudge Tunnel and P.M. Dawn,
but it was worth it.
Now, you can buy this magzine with the CD in your local Tower, or you can
get a No Risk Subscription at 1-800-CMJ-9997, for $29.95. That's 12 monthly
issues AND 12 CD's. (Out of USA will have to call/write and ask for your
info, sorry.) or you can write them at:
CMJ New Music Monthly
P.O. Box 57412
Boulder, CO 80322-7412
with the following info:
[ ] Payment Enclosed [ ] Bill Me
[ ] Credit Card [ ] Mastercard [ ] Visa [ ] Am. Express [ ] Discover
Card # ________________________________ Exp. Date _____________
Signature ___________________________________________
Name _________________________________________________
Address _______________________________________________________
City __________________________ State ________ Zip ________
The only thing missing from this version is the college charts by each
participating station. Maybe if enough WU subscribers asked for this
to be included, they'd do it! We can at least ask!
Check a couple columns further in for a review of this month's CMJ.
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This is Webadelic:
http://www.acpub.duke.edu/~eja/pfunk.html
P-kelly
[ If you haven't experienced the P-funk, you've missed out. I ]
[ highly reccommend the Funk Essentials compilation for Par- ]
[ laiment. These boys can move the hay-owse like no-one else. ]
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This month's CMJ not only has some great music that you'll likely
be hearing on your local alternative radio:
DISH "Headlights"
HUM "Stars"
THUSTON MOORE (of Sonic Youth) "Ono Soul"
REUBEN WILSON "Hold On I'm Comin'" (Instrumental)
SCUD MOUNTAIN BOYS "Fiery Coffin"
it also has some interesting articles. On the back of Frosted Mini-
Wheats, get a coupon for a cool Pete-N-Pete casette. The first time
I've seen the techno-slang "job-ware" - "...if you like this, give me
a job...". A non-suck 'zine called 'Motorbooty' with a club scene
rating system by how many members of Sonic Youth were in attendance
<heh>. AND a PETA ad with Rue McClanahan.
Give it a look see.
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[ From Curt <tankboy@eden.com>, who now contends that he does have ]
[ some taste (at least when it comes to vodka & seven), comes this ]
[ jewel. (It actaully reached me from several sources, but Curt ]
[ was the first. Sorry guys. ]
Men Who Use Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of The `90s
Scott Adams
Windows Magazine, May 1995
I get about 100 e-mail messages a day from readers of
my comic strip "Dilbert." Most are from disgruntled
office workers, psychopaths, stalkers, comic-strip fans --
that sort of person. But a growing number are from women
who write to say they think Dilbert is sexy. Some say
they've already married a Dilbert and couldn't be happier.
If you're not familiar with Dilbert, he's an electrical
engineer who spends most of his time with his computer.
He's a nice guy but not exactly Kevin Costner.
Okay, Dilbert is polite, honest, employed and educated.
And he stays home. These are good traits, but they don't
exactly explain the incredible sex appeal. So what's
the attraction?
I think it's a Darwinian thing. We're attracted to the
people who have the best ability to survive and thrive.
In the old days it was important to be able to run down
an antelope and kill it with a single blow to the forehead.
But that skill is becoming less important every year.
Now all that matters is if you can install your own
Ethernet card without having to call tech support and
confess your inadequacies to a stranger whose best career
option is to work in tech support.
It's obvious that the world has three distinct classes of
people, each with its own evolutionary destiny:
Knowledgeable computer users who will evolve into godlike
non-corporeal beings who rule the universe (except for those
who work in tech support).
Computer owners who try to pass as knowledgeable but secretly
use hand calculators to add totals to their Excel spreadsheets.
This group will gravitate toward jobs as high school principals
and operators of pet crematoriums. Eventually they will become
extinct.
Non-computer users who will grow tails, sit in zoos and
fling dung at tourists.
Obviously, if you're a woman and you're trying to decide which
evolutionary track you want your offspring to take, you don't
want to put them on the luge ride to the dung-flinging Olympics.
You want a real man. You want a knowledgeable computer user with
evolution potential.
And women prefer men who listen. Computer users are excellent
listeners because they can look at you for long periods of time
without saying anything. Granted, early in a relationship it's
better if the guy actually talks. But men use up all the stories
they'll ever have after six months. If a woman marries a guy
who's in, let's say, retail sales, she'll get repeat stories
starting in the seventh month and lasting forever. Marry an
engineer and she gets a great listener for the next 70 years.
Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a good strategy to
mate with somebody who has an indoor hobby. Outdoorsy men are
applying suntan lotion with SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of 30
they still look like dried chili peppers in pants. Compare
that with the healthy glow of a man who spends 12 hours a day
in front of a video screen.
It's also well established that computer users are better lovers.
I know because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who knew
a woman who married a computer user and they reportedly had
sex many times. I realize this isn't statistically valid,
but you have to admit it's the most persuasive thing I've
written so far.
If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider
their hair. They tend to have either: (1) male pattern baldness
-- a sign of elevated testosterone -- or (2) unkempt jungle hair
-- the kind you see only on people who just finished a frenzied
bout of lovemaking. If this were a trial I think we could reach
a verdict on the strong circumstantial evidence alone.
I realize there are a lot of skeptics out there. They'll delight
in pointing out the number of computer users who wear wrist braces
and suggest it isn't the repetitive use of the keyboard that causes
the problem. That's okay. Someday those skeptics will be flinging
dung at tourists. Then who'll be laughing? (Answer to rhetorical
question: everybody but the tourists.)
Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. And Bill
Clinton said that knowledge is power. Therefore, logically,
according to the U.S. government, knowledge of computers is
the ultimate aphrodisiac. You could argue with me -- I'm just a
cartoonist -- but it's hard to argue with the government.
Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms,
so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.
You might think this was enough to convince anyone that men who
use computers are sexy. But look at it from my point of view:
I'm getting paid by the word for this article. I'm not done yet.
In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to
own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better
to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around
with jerks.
Technology has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust
manhood. Men know that unless they get a digital line to the
Internet no woman is going to look at them twice.
It's getting worse. Soon anyone who's not on the World Wide Web
will qualify for a government subsidy for the home-pageless.
And nobody likes a man who takes money from the government,
except maybe Marilyn Monroe, which is why the CIA killed her.
And if you think that's stupid, I've got 100 words to go.
Finally, there's the issue of mood lighting. Nothing looks sexier
than a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 15-inch SVGA
monitor. If we agree that this is every woman's dream scenario,
then I think we can also agree that it's best if the guy knows
how to use the computer. Otherwise, he'll just look like a loser
sitting in front of a PC in his underwear.
In summary, it's not that I think non-PC users are less attractive.
It's just that I'm sure they won't read this article.