and the hand played on.
Many of you are proboably wondering what I did for my birthday, and if
you aren't then I will forgive your insensitivty. I spent my birthday at
work...but more importantly, I spent the day before my birthday at Texas'
premiere water park: Schlitterbahn! (http://www.schlitterbahn.com). It
was the the perfect day for it, too, opening day - no lines, highs in the
mid 80's, water just cold enough to leave goose pimples, and lots of wet
half-clothed sun worshippers!
As the day approached I struggled with the decision of wearing my shirt
or not, I mean I do have a bit of a spare tire. (at least it's a bmx
bike's spare tire and not a back-hoe's spare tire.) I decided to drop
all pretense and overcome my self-conciousness and I can say that I don't
regret it. Not only were there people who were much less appealing, than
I, in their nakedness, but everyone was watching the beautiful people too
much to notice my bleach-white all-natural flotation device.
If you're in reach of the Austin/San-Antonio area, this water park nestled
in the boughs along the banks of the spring-fed Comal River is probably
the best of the "summer 1-day trips" in Central Texas. (And if you've got
extra room in your car, let me know and I'll fill it!) And as I over-
heard a park attendant say: "Have a Schlitter-Day!"
***********************************************************************toc
[ Table of Contents ]
19.1 At the beep... -humor- (etrigan@eden.com)
19.2 Superinibriated. -joke- (xiphoid@nicom.com)
19.3 Movie. -review- (etrigan@eden.com)
19.4 The weelky kmem list. -URLs- (membryk@vislab.com)
19.5 Free food! -URLs- (membryk@vislab.com)
**********************************************************************19.1
I've added a new section to the WU home pages. Look for the phone icon
in the icon tray and you'll find the "Answering Machine Messages" page.
Now, there are plenty of web pages that have transcripts of good messages
for answering machines (like the one I've included below) but my page
is actual recordings of answering machines (and other phone recorded
pranks.) They are in several formats, but if you want the smallest and
quickest to download with the best sound, go to http://www.realaudio.com
and dowload version 2.0 of their software.
If you know of any phone machines that can only be appreciated in person,
email me with the phone number and I'll add them to the page.
>From http://actt.engr.uark.edu/ian/library/MESSAGE.HTM, the complete list
of these is 5 times the size of the one I've edited for you to look
through:
Canonical List of Answering Machine Messages
This incredibly huge list is posted monthly to rec.humour. This is on old
posting (august 1994), but it's still got over 200 entries. The list is
maintained by Alan Silverstein who can be reached by e-mail at
ajs@ajs.fc.hp.com.
---------------------------------------------------------
/* Machine theme */
* Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to
test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
* C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a
little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like
this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you
go!
* Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with
one of these magnets.
* This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your
reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think
about returning your call.
/* Movies and TV */
* Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed. I
have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do
is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your
name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate
that beep, it's so cheery sounding.
* Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal.
Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
* 1: I didn't expect an answering machine.
2: Nobody expects an answering machine.
1: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number.
2: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number.
1: And message. Damn.
2: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.
1: And time you called.
2: Oh, damn, we'll have to start over.
1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep.
/* Authority Figures */
* "I'm Morley Safer." "I'm Harry Reasoner." "And I'm Fred." "We're not
home; leave a message."
* Hi, you've reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line where you
can talk to me, Bren. I'll tell you all about how I'm suffering in
between sports seasons and about my part time hobby of being a power
forward for the Portland Trailblazers. I'll tell my deepest secrets,
such as my desire to be kidnapped by short blonde sorority girls
wearing short jean skirts, and you can decide whether or not I'm
wearing pants. Selected callers will get to talk to me live. Since
you're not one of them, leave your own personal secret at the beep.
* (In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...
/* Odd Organizations */
* This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name
and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word.
Today's word is "supercilious".
* (French monologue in the background:) Around the world today, millions
still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your
continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime.
Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone
tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".
* Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This
is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72...
/* Can't Answer Right Bow Because... */
* You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process your call.
(Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace
on your number and was able to match it with our list of important
callers. None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for
Fred, who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number
and a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice
day.
* I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help
me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself.
Thanks.
* I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an
out-of-the-body experience. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I
can hear everything you say. But leave me a message anyway to help me
reconnect when I get back.
* Hi! I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet parakeet,
just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've got to get him to
the bathroom. (Sound of a paper bag exploding.) ...damn.
* (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of
toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at
incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort
is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
* Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me
a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
/* You're in Big Trouble */
* The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power
supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. (Sound of a
kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a message, it will
complete the circuit and fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS!
/* Befuddle the Caller */
* (A busy signal.) -- Steven Wright
* (Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed
is disconnected or no longer in service.
* The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number
is 226-0477. (Yes, same number.) Please make a note of it.
* The party you dialed is not available. Your call is being diverted to
an alternate number. Please stand by... (Ring...) The number you dialed
must be dialed by your 0 operator. (Click, beep, dial tone.)
* Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.) Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't
look as if I'm in right now. Maybe you should leave a message or call
me back later.
* Creamed asparagus! BEEP
* Hello, you have reached dial an unpopular luncheon meat, I am pimento
loaf, leave me a message.
* Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for
Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP
* All our answering machines are busy. Please hold. (Pause.) All our
answering machines are... (CLICK) This is the answering machine of...
* Hi, can I speak to Mark?... Oh, there isn't?... I'm sorry, I must have
dialed the wrong number.
* Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave
a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
* Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message.
Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff
around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?
* This is Anthony. Leave me a message at the beep. (beep) Whoops, I bet
you couldn't hear that. Lemme try again. (Beep) Nuts, once more with
feeling...
* We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your
phone 90 degrees and try again.
* Ahhhhhhhhh... ahhhhhhhhhh... (Heavy breathing sounds, like an obscene
phone call.) Oh, nuts, YOU called ME! Sorry. Never mind. Leave your
name and number at the beep.
/* Other Play With the Caller */
* OK, one more time... This is our answering machine... This is the
message on our answering machine... Any questions?
* (Oriental voice:) Hello, you have reached honorable Chan's residence.
I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan. (Godzilla scream.) Oh no!
Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number at gong and Chan will
call back if house still here.
/* Science Fiction */
* (Star Trek theme in the background:) (Voice 1:) Room 17, the final
frontier.
(Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two
semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number.
(Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.
/* Miscellaneous */
* (For Shakespeare lovers only:)
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
* Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.
**********************************************************************19.2
On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In
this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a
tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off.
Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole
process.
This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got
the better of him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you
keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later,
you're back again. How do you do it?"
"The shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the
ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lots of fun. You should try
it."
The guy, who was also quite bombed out of his gourd, thought to
himself, Hey, why not?' So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of
tequila, then walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and
whooooooooooooo, splat.
The bartender shakes his head,looks over at the first guy and says,
"Superman, you're such an asshole when you're drunk."
**********************************************************************19.3
Review: The Pallbearer
Extreme Caution: Great movie! I know, I know, the David Schwimmer
character is very similar to Ross, and it's entirely likely that
Schwimmer believes in the Christian Slater method of acting ("pick
one strong tone of voice and facial expression and use it until
people get sick of you."). But if you simply take the movie as itself
and ignore the fact that Schwimmer's an actor you've seen before,
this movie will blow you away.
Despite the fact that all the actors, and the writers, and director,
and producer are American. This can not be an American film. I
haven't laughed so hard at an American movie since "Raising Arizona"
and they didn't insult my intelligence (like most American comedies)
by putting in a laugh track to let me know what was funny.
Rating: Full price plus a date and dinner. (great date flick!)
**********************************************************************19.4
http://www.boston.com/sports/marathon/news/chipinfo.htm
[ Wow, the Boston Marathon goes high tech. If you miss the days ]
[ when you'd flip through your Dad's Popular Science and you are ]
[ too embarrassed to have one delivered to your door, this page ]
[ will sate your appetite for gadgets that have only superfluous ]
[ value. (Talk about your oxymorons.) ]
http://www.terranova.com/~tbrp/
[ Here's what they have to say "...The Bigfoot Research Project is ]
[ a benign, scientific investigation designed to discover if large ]
[ bipedal, hair-covered hominid(s) believed to be living in the ]
[ forested mountain ranges of the Pacific Northwest, exist or ]
[ not..." Wasn't this question answered when his own brother ]
[ turned the Unabomber into the FBI? ]
**********************************************************************19.5
http://www.nicom.com/htbin/disney.trivia
There's over 300 answers to that McDonalds (http://www.mcdonalds.com)
Dinsey scratch off game.
I was thinking of doing this (for the hell of it) and someone already
did!
Those games are scams just to buy food there, so why not win every
time and cash in!
(too bad it's only for free food, but still, that's not too bad)
(yeah, and it's McDonalds which isn't great either, but nice if you're
travelling any of the highways with Mickey D's rest stops..at least
you don't have to pay!)
[ Kirk sent me that URL and he's probably pleased with himself. ]
[ Unfortunately, he didn't surf long enough. This is where you ]
[ hear Nelson say "Ha, ha", Kirk. There's a more thorough list ]
[ of answers at http://www.the-pages.com/mcgame_net/other.html. ]
[ It's not exactly ripping off the man, but it'll do. ]