banner ploy.
Well, the Memorial Weekend is over and it's probably a good thing. (For
our foreign readers: Memorial Day is an American holiday to recognize
dead war heros.) I spent 4 consecutive nights drinking way too much.
Today, I was truly the walking dead. Luckily, I had a great movie review
submitted and a long (but HIlarious) true story submitted, so I didn't
have much of my own writing to do.
Here it is, get it while it's hot!
***********************************************************************toc
[ Table of Contents ]
22.1 Video Games .vs. Dates. -humor- (stavros@eden.com)
22.2 The KMem Weekly. -URLs- (membryk@vislab.com)
22.3 Do you think? -humor- (mbuna@eden.com)
22.4 Writing. -poetry- (yves@orbiter.com)
22.5 Freeloadin'. -URL- (stavros@eden.com)
22.6 Clinton Resigns. -humor- (mbuna@eden.com)
22.7 The Book of Mozilla, 12:10. -easter egg- (stavros@eden.com)
22.8 MJH's Navel Piercing and the Whipped Cream Incident.
-true story- (clarissa@tcp.com)
22.9 Twister. -review- (jharrell@dfw.net)
**********************************************************************22.1
Top 10 Reasons a Video Game is Better Than a Date:
(10) A videogame always looks as good the morning after as it did the
night you took it home.
(9) A videogame doesn't care if you play with another videogame.
(8) With a videogame, almost anyone can score.
(7) If you get tired of a videogame, you can turn it into a different
one.
(6) A videogame doesn't mind being shared with your friends.
(5) When a videogame whines, you know it's just the cpu fan.
(4) You can play a videogame every day of the month.
(3) You can get satisfaction from a videogame for just a quarter or two.
(2) It only takes a second to turn on a videogame.
(1) On a videogame, YOU choose the volume and difficulty.
[ Right now, though, I'd give up the video games in return for ]
[ just one good date...and I'm not talking fruit. ]
**********************************************************************22.1
http://charlotte.acns.nwu.edu/arielr/gorey/gashlycrumb/default.html
[ Best known for the animated credits for the PBS series "Mystery!", ]
[ "...Edward Gorey, author, illustrator, theatrical designer, ]
[ prolific, eccentric genius of ghastly qit.." is an incredibly tal- ]
[ ented man. This URL will show you several of his illustrated ]
[ books. It's graphics intensive but very intriguing. I quote from ]
[ on of his books: "A is for Amy, who fell down the stairs, B is for ]
[ Basil, assaulted by Bears...." ]
http://www.halcyon.com/zaguero/fly/
[ Shaft fans unite! This "Introduction to Blaxploitation" covers ]
[ just about everything a Blaxploitation fan would want to know. ]
[ If you don't know Blaxploitation, here's your chance to find out. ]
**********************************************************************22.1
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and
then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and
soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't
true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was
thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't
mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka.
I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it
exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned
off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that
night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me
in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your
thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the
job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I
confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as
college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if
you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry.
I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out
the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS
station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the
big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that
night.
As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for
Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining
your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from
the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a
TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week
it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking
since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just
seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
**********************************************************************22.1
Dear Johnny Rollerfeet (Editor):
Hello! Thought I'd send you some of my work to consider for possible
publication in your magazine. Mypoetry and fiction have most recently
appeared in __Dreams and Nightmares_, _Quilt_, and _Speers Presents_.
I hope some part of this submission finds a place in _Weekend Update_. I
thank you in advance for your time and incredible patience in reading these
through.
Holly Lalena Day
Holly Day
136-1/2 Congress Avenue
Daytona Beach, FL 32114-2112
(904) 257-4469
This Body and Me
outside
streetlights wink up at my window, flickering red,
green, against the curtains. I used to pretend
the city was a Christmas tree
when I was little
never realizing the bright glare killed the stars.
In this light, we're so perfect together--
you're never awake when I'm beautiful.
you lay so quiet against me
you never move in your sleep--your peace
is hypnotic, your heart
sings my body to sleep.
Holly Day
In Lieu of Mecca
Light takes the tree, vital signs undamaged
smoke billows sulfur into the air, apprentice
the blinding flash of feathers in the dark of
fission catching--and now, oh, where will you go.
Put down my rising gorge forever. I am going blind
where fire spreads in the shade
an outline of tension. I smile for what
I will never sing. It's for you, homeless
a beginner's guide to common prayer,
so much English heard in a place
of wolverines--naked, we sleep now in ashes
the real Paleolithic thing, uncertain
listening to memories of an old house,
the new ruins
exchanging
calamitous dreams.
**********************************************************************22.1
take a L-O-O-K-S-E-E at the bottom of the page
[ ...and you'll find a very cool animated gif (viewable with Netscape ]
[ 2.0 or better, only) AND if you are a Netscape user you'll find an ]
[ application here that will let you 'download' entire Web sites, so ]
[ that you can view them at your leisure without taking up precious ]
[ on-line time! ]
http://www.freeloader.net/partners/iworld/iworld.htm
**********************************************************************22.1
Note - for the benefit of international readers (and clueless Americans),
Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole resigned as U.S. Senator
and Senate Majority Leader yesterday, in favor of his campaign.
President Clinton Resigns
by Sandy Maschan (smaschan@ix.netcom.com)
WASHINGTON, May 16 - President Clinton today announced his
resignation from the Presidency of the United States of America. In a
move that stunned the nation and the world, the President declared
that if he is to win his re-election, he will need to muster all the
resources he can.
Accordingly, he has given up his full-time activities of the
office in order to handle the challenge to his ex-seat by former
Senator Bob Dole. One of the ex-President's closest advisors, who
spoke only on the condition of anonymity, commented, "The (ex-)
President can't possibly handle the duties of the Presidency while
simultaneously submitting himself to the grueling Presidential
campaign. With the chores of the office behind him, he will more
effectively be able to use his energies to re-earn the Presidency."
Former Senator Bob Dole said, "It's obvious that the former
President is a follower and not a leader. Bob Dole is a leader. He
quit his job so he could get another one. So I ask the American
people, who are you going to vote for? Bob Dole? Or a quitter, a
follower, some one without a vision? The former President is playing
politics again. He saw what a bold statement Bob Dole made, and now
he's attempting to co-opt it for his own. Like he did with the crime
bill. Like he did with welfare. Like he did with those other
things."
Mr. Dole also wryly observed: "While there's no place like home,
I'm not going back to Kansas any time soon. Except to campaign,
of course."
Pundits noted that the former Senator's announcement came on the
heels of the annual television broadcast of 'The Wizard of Oz'.
That has prompted many to question if that was an influential
factor for the former six-term Senator from Kansas.
In his own statement, Mr. Clinton said, "There's no place like
Washington. There's no place like Washington, so I'm not going
to Kansas; or Arkansas. Except to campaign, of course."
The swift counter to Mr. Dole's resignation announcement
yesterday is considered to be the most forceful response to GOP
election strategy yet. Shocked Democrats huddled closely to
study the implications of this move. Praising the action as a
stroke of genius, Senate minority leader Tom Daschle, of South
Dakota, said, "Only the President could have resigned the
Presidency, and we are behind him 100% in his bid to be elected
again to the highest office in our land."
Scholars of the Constitution quietly consulted one another to
ascertain the implications for Al Gore, the new President.
Should Mr. Clinton win the election in November, thus relegating
Mr. Gore back to his former status of Vice President, it is
unclear whether or not Mr. Gore would be eligible for election to two
additional terms in the office of the Presidency. It is widely
assumed that Mr. Gore will seek election to the Presidency in 2000, as
the consensus among Beltway insiders is that he covets the position of
the most powerful person in the whole, entire, really big world.
In the interim, Americans are in for what promises to be a season of
spectacular campaigning, judging from the opening moves played thus
far.
**********************************************************************22.1
Netscape Navigator Easter Egg...
[ Type these into the "Location:" box in Netscape. ]
about:mozilla
about:cache
**********************************************************************20.1
[ I am on a mailing list that discusses Melissa Joan Hart, best known ]
[ for her acting(?) in Clarissa Explains it All. This is one of the ]
[ stories that got passed around and it's a true riot. The most re- ]
[ cent discussions have been about MJH's propensity for piercing, 7 ]
[ in her ears and one naval. That's really not that bad except that ]
[ as a Nickelodeon spokes-person some parents got a little upset when ]
[ they found out their daughter's role model was doing such "bizzare" ]
[ things. Here's one account that'll become urban legend for sure. ]
Well, I got a call from an old friend nicknamed Cord over the weekend.
Seems he had a Melissa Piercing story to tell me. Well, I thought about
it and decided to post it. Cord is a family man - a wife, two children:
Juleen and Henry. The children are of the age where the oldest one is
old enough to get his learners permit; and Cord is teaching him. Two
things about Cord from the start: he is a great story teller (I won't do
this justice) and he is blind as a bat. Of course it goes without saying
that he and his family (wife excluded) are great "Clarrisa Explains It
All" (CEIA) fans. He was in on it in the beginning. He always told me
about CEIA and Melissa. I always said JAB and never paid attention. He
finally got me on to cable and I surfed into CEIA one day and by accident
stuck.
As I said Cord is teaching Henry how to drive defensively (unlike most
fathers). He has Juleen tag along. Seems their view of how these driving
sessions are conducted vary quite a lot. By the kids description, Cord
runs it like a military school or prison. He has them line up for inspec-
tion before the driving session. They say he is like a tin-horn dictator
who has a chest full of medals and the humanity of a Fascist. To their
view, they are dressed in prison garb or suffocating formal clothes. He
marches them up to and into the car; and reverses the procedure when the
lesson is over. He gives them a five hour lecture before Henry can even
start the car. They say Cord has installed a speed governor in the car
so anything over 5 cm per hour and the motor is automatically killed.
Anything over 2 cm per hour and Cord is hitting the speedometer with his
baton pointing out the dangers of speed. The kids say that during the
driving lesson they watch as snails speed past them. An old lady in the
street must have the right of way - even if she didn't want to cross the
street - they have to stop 5 miles before they get to her and run up to
help her across the street. Accordingly the old lady who was just out in
her yard and didn't want to cross in any case; but they have to help her
across; as she hits them on the head.
According to Cord, Henry and Juleen dress in Rad clothes with shades so
dark that there is no way to see where they are going. They ignore his
advice. They are sullen and don't listen. Once in the car Cord is bound
in a straight jacket and gagged. The radio blares to where ambulances
can't be heard. Henry backs out of the driveway at top speeds and does
not look. While driving, Henry is the only being in the Universe able
to go faster than the speed of light; and so he does. While driving they
weave and bob through traffic. The we stems from the fact that Cord is
in a state of delirium while the driving session is on and is sure while
going at warp 10 that Henry and Juleen pass the steering wheel back and
forth - all while the car is weaving back and forth. As for the old lady,
Henry not only does see her in her yard, but chases her all over the
neighborhood. As a result of all this, Cord is a total nervous wreck. A
condition the kids suspected all along.
So there you have it they have a family with good interaction, humor, and
give and take. Seems this Sat May 18, Cord was sitting down into his
entertainment center to view some tapes. He is an electrical Engineer
and has quite a set up - none of which he wants to share. He had heard
from me that Melissa had the navel piercing in place and displayed it
during the May 11 Kids Choice Awards. He had taped it! During it he had
seen Melissa; but not the navel piercing. I hadn't seen it either; but
had assured him that reliable people such as Donald had. He has the
ability to freeze a tape and to focus onto different areas of tapes and to
magnify them - as I said he is blind. Well, Cord had baked several Mince
pies earlier; and was waiting for one to cool to eat. Well the system was
not working very good that day. So when the Melissa segment with Rosie
was about to come on, Cord went to get the mince pie and some whipped
cream to put on it. He set the pie down; but held onto the can of whipped
cream in his excitement. He froze the scene with Melissa with her belly
button showing. He isolated her belly button area; and zoomed in on it.
To him like me all piercings are big and ugly. Still he is again blind.
He magnified the area as much as he could; however with the system not
working right, this just blurred the image worse. He got up and walked
to the screen. It is a large screen; and Melissa's belly button area
filled the screen. So he gets down on his knees, with his face against
the screen looking for the piercings. So here is Cord scrunched down on
his knees glaring at Melissa's belly button. Suddenly he gets a feeling
that he is not alone. He turns his head; and there is Henry and Juleen
with four of their mutual friends (they are only 14 and one-half months
apart in age).
So he looks at the four of them and they are really giving Cord the look.
The look being "My God what is this dirty old man doing looking at some
one's navel down on his knees with his nose in Melissa's navel" -
"especially our father and supposed role mode and mature and responsible
person". The give him the oh my god look and raise and roll their eyes.
Cord gets to his feet to explain. He points to the screen to explain
what he is doing and why. He forgets that he has the can of whipped cream
in his hand. As he points to Melissa's navel with the whipped cream can
extended in that hand, he accidentally sprays Melissa's navel with whipped
cream. Howls of derision and laughter came from the gang of six according
to Cord. Its like 'Oh and the dirty old man has his devices with him,
too.". Henry and Juleen broke in to say that they donned their head sacks
then that read "I don't know this dirty old man and am totally not related
to him". They never let him live it down for a full 14 minutes until Cord
ran them out. A boy named Peter in the group, of course, had to high five
Cord as he was leaving. Peter high fived Cord and said "whoa dad, ogling
Melissa's navel and spraying it with whip cream; and then what, Mr.
Shields? Yea totally Rad and outrageous Mr. Shields". BtW Cord tried to
point out the mince pie that he was going to put the whipped cream on;
but it had diappeared. He believes Prince the German Shepard took it
while the distraction was going on; so he was shown guilty - having a can
of whipped cream for _what_ you say?
**********************************************************************22.1
TWISTER
Warner Brothers, 1996
112 minutes
PG-13, for graphic depiction
of very bad weather
There are two ways to watch TWISTER: either as a movie, or as a really
cool demonstration of cutting-edge special effects. Either way, it works.
It doesn't take a lot of effort to figure out the plot: When Jo (Helen
Hunt, of "Mad About You") was a little girl her family took shelter from
a tornado in a storm cellar. Tragically, the force of the storm pulled
Jo's father into the sky before the little girl's eyes. Years later Jo
has become a meteorologist, and her obsession with the killer storms has
become so overwhelming that it destroyed her marriage to Bill (APOLLO
13's Bill Paxton), a fellow storm chaser.
Insert a little tension and some chemistry between the two stars and
you've got yourself a movie. From the third reel the film turns to a
cross between Jack London and a two-hour Dodge Ram commercial.
Predictably, a half-hearted attempt to insert the previously squeeky-
clean Cary "Oh-my-sweet-darling-Wesley" Elwes as a rival storm chaser
falls completely flat. The character of Jonas almost seems like an after-
thought, as if one of the executive producers decided halfway though
principal shooting that the movie needed a bad guy. Of course, the whole
notion of an "evil weatherman" seems silly, and the scene near the end in
which Jonas "gets his" is anticlimactic at best.
With that in mind, I was surprised to find that, by the middle of the
movie, I actually cared about the people on the screen. Don't get me
wrong, this is no SCHINDLER'S LIST (although LIST screenwriter Steven
Zaillian was an uncredited member of the TWISTER writing team), but Helen
Hunt, despite being given relatively little to work with, puts a
remarkable amount of depth and passion into her character. When next
year's Oscars roll around, I don't want to hear _anybody_ complain about
a lack of strong female leads. TWISTER confirms what I had been kinda
hoping for for a long time: that Helen Hunt, in addition to being
achingly beautiful [ Amen! - Johnny Rollerfeet ] , is a gifted actress.
But the real stars of TWISTER are the tornadoes themselves, lovingly
crafted out of raw bits by the imagineers of Industrial Light and Magic.
Tornado sequences are featured for nearly forty minutes of screen time,
and not a minute of it is less than completely realistic. After seeing
the first tornado sequence, it took me several minutes to realize that I
was, in fact, looking at a special effect. The funnel clouds, thunder-
heads, and whirling debris are integrated into the live-action so seam-
lessly that, after a few minutes, I stopped caring what was real and what
was computer animated. And that, I guess, is the whole point.
Of course, it seems that the director couldn't resist going just a
_little_ over the top. Seeing a tornado destroy a barn is impressive.
Seeing it toss around an eighteen-wheeler is awe-inspiring. But seeing
it pick up a dozen enormous tractors and toss them at Our Heroes is
almost funny-- if it weren't so damned realistic.
More than anything, TWISTER establishes a _mood._ I stepped out of the
theater under a partly-cloudy afternoon sky with not a drop of rain in
the forecast. But something about those high, fluffy clouds was vaguely
ominous. All the way home, I couldn't keep from watching the sky.
Overall, more than worth the price of full admission. Great for a date,
with lots of tense hand-holding moments. Just check the forecast _before_
picking up your tickets.