Spoon!
I've had a full week that I'll share with you in bits and pieces through-
out this week's submissions. As in most of life, things come in waves
and this week's wave is jokes, lots and lots of jokes.
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I spent all day Monday at "AstroWorld" in Houston, Texas, USA. That's
why the WU is late. It was a blast! "AstroWorld" is without question
the best Theme Park in Texas. "Fiesta, Tx" has only one good ride (the
Rattler - the largest wooden roller coaster), and "Six Flags over [Fort
Worth]" is just boring. The new Mayan Mind Bender was a big let down.
It's basically a small 75 second coaster in pitch black with NO big drops
or loops - thhhhpppbbbtttt! The almost-new "Batman - the Escape" ride
was kind of fun, but the bycicle seat in the crotch could get _real_
dangerous. The best two rides are the Twister and Greezed Lightnin'.
I'd wait for a weekday to go, though. We only had to compete with ~150
other park runners. It was suh-weet!
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http://cathouse.org/cathouse/humor/ascii/dog.enjoying.a.good.hydrant
The following ASCII picture is from the previous URL. Cathouse.org
has plenty of humurous and, as you can see, sometimes tasteless ASCII
pics. They've also got jokes of all types.
_
__| |__
/ / | \ \
/ / | \ \
___ |___________|
/| / |o\___ |_____________|
( ( __/| | D | |
\ \/ \ \/_\__/ | / \ |
\ \_/______-| _ | ___ | _
/ _______ | | \___| / \ |___/ |
| / -| | | / \ | |
\ L_ooooo [| | \ / | |]
\ / ooo | ___ \___/ ___ |
| / | ooo |_/ | | | | | | \_|
| | | oooo \\ | | | || | | |
| | | oooo\\| | | || | | |
| | | ooooo| | | || | | |
| | | oo| | | || | | |
| | | o| | | || | | |
|___| |. ..\\/./ ..__//|____________|___\//.. . \/...
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I spent Tuesday night at the next-to-last Austin show for "Hammel on Trial"
and then Friday night I saw the last Austin show for "Hammel on Trial".
Ed Hammel's record company (the same one that carries Bon Jovi, unfor-
tunately) wanted Ed closer to the home offices so that they could better
promote him. We're all very proud of Ed. He moved here from Syracuse
2+ years ago and immediately took a liking to Austin. He got an indie CD
put out (Big_As_Life), a regular gig at a great local club (Electric
Lounge), a loyal devout following (including me), and a big record deal.
Most Austin bands never make the last step so I wouldn't be surprised
if you see him on Mtv and/or VH1 real soon. (He's already been mentioned
in the SXSW articles for Rolling Stone and Variety).
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You too can be a country singer.....
I mis-remember who sent me this, but if you agree that country music
lyrics have gotten out of hand this will give you a chuckle.
DO-IT-YOURSELF COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG
I met her __________ _____; I can still recall _________
(1) (2) (3)
1. 2. 3.
on the highway in September that purple dress
in Sheboygan at McDonald's that little hat
outside Fresno ridin' shotgun that burlap bra
at a truck stop wrestlin' gators those training pants
on probation all hunched over the stolen goods
in a jail cell poppin' uppers that plastic nose
in a nightmare sort of pregnant the Stassin pin
incognito with joggers the neon sign
in the Stone Age stoned on oatmeal that creepy smile
in a treehouse with Merv Griffin the hearing aid
in a gay bar dead all over the boxer shorts
she wore; She was ______ _____,
(4) (5)
4. 5
sobbin' at the toll booth in the twilight
drinkin' Dr. Pepper but I loved her
weighted down with Twinkies by the off-ramp
breakin' out with acne near Poughkeepsie
crawlin' through the prairie with her cobra
smellin' kind of funny when she shot me
crashin' through the guardrail on her elbows
chewin' on a hangnail with Led-Zeppelin
talkin' in Swahili with Miss Piggy
drownin' in the quicksand with a wetback
slurpin' up linguini in her muu-muu
and I knew _______; _______ I'd ______ forever;
(6) (7) (8)
6. 7. 8.
no guy would ever love her more I promised her stay with her
that she would be an easy score I knew deep down warp her mind
she'd bought her dentures in a store She asked me if swear off booze
that she would be a crashing bore I told her shrink change my sex
I'd never rate her more than "4" The judge declared punch her out
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore My Pooh Bear said live off her
it was a raven, nothing more I shrieked in pain have my rash
we really lost the last World War The painters knew stay a dwarf
I'd have to scrape her off the floor A Klingon said hate her dog
what strong deodorants were for My hamster thought pick my nose
that she was rotten to the core The blood test showed play "Go Fish"
that I would upchuck on the floor Her rabbi said salivate
She said to me ____; But who'd have thought she'd _____
(9) (10)
9. 10.
our love would never die run off
there was no other guy wind up
man wasn't meant to fly boogie
that Nixon didn't lie yodel
her basset hound was shy sky dive
that Rolaids made her high turn green
she'd have a swiss on rye freak out
she loved my one blue eye blast off
her brother's name was Hy make it
she liked "Spy vs. Spy" black out
that birthdays made her cry bobsled
she couldn't stand my tie grovel
___________; _________ goodbye.
(11) (12)
11. 12.
with my best friend You'd think at least that she'd have said
in my Edsel I never had the chance to say
on a surfboard She told her fat friend Grace to say
on "The Gong Show" I now can kiss my credit cards
with her dentist I guess I was too smashed to say
on her "Workmate" I watched her melt away and sobbed
with a robot She fell beneath the wheels and cried
with no clothes on She sent a hired thug to say
at her health club She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
in her Maytag I pushed her off the bridge and waved
with her guru But that's the way that pygmies say
while in labor She sealed me in the vault and smirked
[ I'll be adding this as a forms page for the WU home page, ]
[ so if you just have to write a country song at a moment's ]
[ notice try http://www.eden.com/~etrigan/country_song.html ]
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I have to thank a non-subscriber for this jewel. (Actually she's an AOL
user, but as much as I try to avoid associating with losers this girl was
swuft.) The Steve King mini-series "the Langoliers" had a plot that could
best be described "...like summer camp." It was all one big joy ride of
fun for the first 75% and then everyone cried and said they loved each
other and would miss one another and then you just got sick of being in-
volved with the whole thing and wanted to leave. It was really exciting
until the last hour or so.
thanks to Pam Culbertson.
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http://cathouse.org/cathouse/humor/standup/emo.philips
Another sample from cathouse.org:
I went to school, ya know. I went to grammar school and once we were
taking a test and I was copying this other kid's paper, and I guess the
teacher heard my xerox machine. She said, "Emo, am I stupid or were you
cheating," and I said, "Ah, yes and no." She sends me to the principals
office and I get there and sit down and he looks at me and says,
"Emo, Emo, Emo." I said, "I'm the one in the middle, you drunken slob."
He said, "Emo, how would you like to repeat the fifth grade?" i said,
"I don't know if I could do it exactly, but I could try." He said,
"I could expel you!" I said, "You'll have to catch and eat me first, ya
wierdo." He said, "Emo, you'll have to see the school psychologist."
And I said, "But why do I have to see the school psychologist?"
So he shows me the petition. So I went to the psychologist and he says,
"Emo, what does this inkblot look like to you?" I said, "Well, it's kind
of embarassing." He said, "Emo, everyone sees something silly. Don't be
embarassed. Tell me, what does this inkblot look like to you?"
I said, "Well, uh, to me, um, it looks like, uh, standard pattern number
3 in the Rorshach series to test obsesive compulsiveness." And he got
kind of depressed, so I said, "OK, it's a butterfly." And he cheered up.
"And what does this inkblot look like?" I said it looks like a horrible,
ugly blob of pure evil, that sucks the souls of men into a vortex of sin
and degredation." He said, "No, uh the inkblots over there, that's a
photo of my wife you're looking at." "oh, was I far off?" He said,
"No, that's the sad part." And he gave me a chocolate easter bunny and
I ate the bunny, then I thought, hey, this isn't easter. "Is this a test?"
> And he said, "Yes." "And what does it mean?" He said, "Had you eaten the
ears first you would have been normal. Had you eaten the feet first you
would have had an inferiority complex. Had you eaten the tail first you
would have had latent homosexual tendencies and had you eaten the breasts
first you would have had a latent oedipal complex." "Well...go on, what
does it mean when you bite out the eyes and scream 'stop staring at me?'"
He said, "It means you have a tendency towards self destruction."
I said, "Well, what do you recommend?" He said, "Go for it."
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[ From kmembry@databank.com who isn't really @ databnk.com but somewhere ]
[ else... kmembry's having an identity crisis right now, send him positve ]
[ vibes. :) ]
http://www.seanet.com/Vendors/billnye/nyelabs.html
it's bill nye, science guy page!!!
[ Bill Nye is one of the best things to happen to PBS and is the ]
[ second best reason to hate Newt Gingrich and the New(old) Re- ]
[ publicans. Without Bill Nye and Sesame Street, America's youth ]
[ will be without one _more_ source of a good education (...as ]
[ the really good teachers work their way to private schools for ]
[ a decent wage the under-priviledged children have fewer places ]
[ to turn.) (sorry, it just really pisses me off...) ]
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[ Once again the tasteless-everlasting Curt ]
[ sends us an infamously unforgettable anecdote. ]
A cowboy in the wild west was roaming around the desert in the great
American frontier. To his dismay, he came across an Indian naked on
his back with an erection pointing straight up at the sky.
Of course, the cowboy couldn't figure this out, so he asked the Indian
what he was doing.
"Me tellum time," replied the Indian. The cowboy just shook his head
and continued his journey through the desert. Again, he came across
another Indian naked on his back with an erection pointing up to the
sky. He also asked this Indian what he was doing.
"Me tellum time," he replied. The cowboy thought that this was rather
unusual, but hey, if it works. As he was continuing his trek, he came
across yet another Indian. This time, he was naked on his back, but
jerking off.
"What are YOU doing?" the cowboy asked.
The Indian just looked at the cowboy, as if offended, and said, "Me
winding watch."
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[ Is it a good thing that our friends know us better than ]
[ we know ourselves? From Mick comes this ]
[ nugget of joy (that hits a little too close to home for ]
[ pathetic geeks like myself.) ]
THE BOY AND THE FROG
A boy was crossing the road one day when a frog called out to him
and said,"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the
frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a>beautiful
Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the
boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful
Princess,that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why
won't you kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time
for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."