I can think of nothing to say to you people this week...other than: you
have overwhelmed me with contributions...and that's a good thing. Thanks!
Oh, yeah, new stuff on the web page: I now have two true broadcast for-
mats on the answering machines sound page (http://www.eden.com/~etrigan/
answering_machines/index.html) VoxWare, and TrueSpeech. I also added
links to the place to find the software to play these files.
***********************************************************************toc
[ Table of Contents ]
21.1 While in hell. -joke- (???)
21.2 It's a Girl! -news/humor- (stavros@eden.com)
21.3 Sandwich-Gram. -URL/receipe- (xiphoid@nicom.com)
21.4 LoneWolf's Lair. -URL- (stavros@eden.com)
21.5 Frank. -joke- (etrigan@eden.com)
21.6 Computer Businessmen. -joke- (stavros@eden.com)
21.7 Deserted. -joke- (spike@io.com)
21.8 Mission Impossible. -review- (membryk@vislab.com)
21.9 Forrest Chocolate. -humor- (mbuna@eden.com)
21.10 Javar Lander. -URL- (stavros@eden.com)
21.11 Microbashing. -humor- (stavros@eden.com)
21.12 Dumbest. -humor- (stavros@eden.com)
21.13 What they Say/Mean. -humor- (David_Proler@ccmail.us.dell.com)
**********************************************************************21.1
A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's
really depressed as he stands in the processing line
waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to
himself "I know I led a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I
never thought it would come to this." Looking up he
sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With
fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.
Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?
Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.
Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of
fun. Do you like to drink?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On
Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum,
tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want.
We party all night long. You'll love Mondays.
Do you smoke?
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is
smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best
cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your
heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you
are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going
to love Tuesdays.
Do you do drugs?
Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.
Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug
day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you
don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked
because you are already dead. You are going to love
Wednesdays.
Do you gamble?
Guy: Oh yes, I like to gamble.
Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we
gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker,
slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love
Thursdays.
Are you gay?
Guy: Well, no I'm not.
Counselor: Oh [grimaces], you're gonna hate Fridays...
**********************************************************************21.2
On April 26, Melinda & Bill Gates proudly announced the arrival of
their baby girl, Jennifer. As reported in the Wall Street Journal,
the baby was delivered several days ahead of schedule, unusual for a
Microsoft "product." More than 700 PC World Watch subscribers took
the Baby Gates Survey, and here are the results:
71.4% guessed the baby would be a boy and 28.6% a girl.
As selected by the PC World Watch newsletter editors, the 10 most
creative names submitted were:
Gold N. Gates
Boo Lean Gates
Water Gates
Heaven Leigh Gates
Virtual Lee Gates
Russ T. Gates
BOB :) Gates
Cyberina (Sabrina) Gates
Alpha Beta Gates
Winifred (Win) Gates
**********************************************************************21.3
Sandwich-Gram -- Your Ultimate Ham Sandwich is ready!
Here at Planet Sandwich, we pride ourselves on having the best sandwiches
in the galaxy. Here's one just for you. We've got plenty more waiting
for you, plus other neat stuff at http://www.mayo.com.
Greetings from Kelly and the URL of Sandwich! Here is a recipe for one
of our sandwiches. For more, come see us at:
http://www.mayo.com/eastmayo/cyber/sands/sand7.html
Check out the recipe!
**********************************************************************21.4
Here is a temporary replacement for the TAMU site...
http://www.wam.umd.edu/~moshman/Flics/
**********************************************************************21.5
Frank Sinatra
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man was in a pub one day with his new girlfriend. It's their
first date and everything is going well, barring the occasional period
of silence. The girlfriend goes to "powder her nose" and whilst she
is away, the young man spots somebody in the lounge bar that looks in-
credibly like Frank Sinatra. So, he pops over and approaches "Frank".
"Excuse me", say the young man, "but - and this may sound silly - you
half look like Frank Sinatra. I don't suppose....."
"Well", interrupts Frank, "actually I am Frank Sinatra."
Well, the young man is almost speechless, but does continue..."Look
Frank, I think you're great; I've got all your records blah, blah,
blah, creep, etc......could you do me a favor?"
"What ever you want", says Frank
"Well, you see I'm in the other bar with my new girlfriend and it
would really impress her if you would just come up to me and say
"Hello Steve""
"Sure, no problem!", says Frank
So, Steve rushes back into the other bar and his girlfriend returns.
A few moments later, over pops Frank to their table and goes up to
Steve.
"Hi Steve, how you doing!", says Frank.
Steve looks up and says "Oh fuck off Frank."
**********************************************************************21.6
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer, and a Project Manager were on
their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep
mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car
careened out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers,
until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside.
The cars occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem : they were
stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they
to do?
"I know," said the Project Manager, "Let's have a meeting, build a Vision
by consensus, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a
process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the Critical
Problems, then we can be on our way."
"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and
besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army
knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking
system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we
should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."
**********************************************************************21.7
There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the
first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being
waited on hand an foot. But, it did not last. A hurricane came up
unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.
The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an
island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no
supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and
coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to
make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank
coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea, mightily hoping for a ship
to come to his rescue.
One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for
a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be
true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this
rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen -- or at
least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing
in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him
also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention.
She rowed her boat towards him.
In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this
island when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many
of you are there? Where did you get the rowboat? You must have been
really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"
"It is only me," she said, "And the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing else
did."
"Well then," said the man, "How did you get the rowboat?"
"I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island,"
replied the woman. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I
wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree".
"But, but," asked the man, "What about tools and hardware, how did you do
that?"
"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "On the south side of the island
there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that
If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to
make the hardware. But, enough of that, she said. Where do you live?"
At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the
beach. "Well, let's row over to my place," she said. So they both got
into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to
her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope.
They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree and there stood an
exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much," she said, "But I call it home. Sit down please, would
you like to have a drink?"
"No," said the man, "One more coconut juice and I will puke."
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied, "I have a still. How
about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man
accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked,
"Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on
the cruise ship."
"Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the
cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything,
went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made
from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were
fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved,
showered and went back down stairs.
"You look great," said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into
something more comfortable." So she did.
The man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman
returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly
of gardenia.
"Tell me," she said, "We have both been out here for a very long time
with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely,
is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman
need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now."
"Yes, there is," the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while
fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me . . . Do you happen to have an
Internet connection?"
**********************************************************************21.8
Well, it was a good action movie, not as good as say, the Die hard
movies, but about the same as far as effects (blue screened actors
with explosions). I think it was sponsored by Miracle Ear, because
the sound was incredibly loud (or maybe I just haven't been to a Sony
theater before) It was a little too loud.
Obvious plugs: Apple for their laptops and Netscape for their web
browser (although it was the fat baby blue N from last year, when the
movie was made)
The opening title sequence had the same music as the original, and
flashing shots while the fuse burns (weird for a movie, because it was
like watching TV..sort of like the James Bond openings, except no women)
The whole movie was like James Bond (gadgets, spies, the level of "luck"
with action sequences) There were really only 3 action sequences, which
I won't talk about or it will spoil the movie.
Remember how in the tv show people used to pull off masks, but it would
cut away, then cut back (with a different actor) and they would pull a
rubber mask off? This time, they actually pull the mask off without
cutting, (Tom Cruise is the spy who always has masks). I talked with
some other people who didn't like it. I guess I'm just a lamer, but I
like action movies with lots of gun shots, and gadgets (glasses with tv
cameras that link to watches with tv sets in them..all that cool stuff)
Even the final action scene, which was kinda hokey, was cool while it
was happening (but thinking back on it, it could NEVER happen!) but I
guess that's why it's called the movies.
Well, sorry I'm not much of a reviewer, but that's my joe-blow opinion
of the movie.
- Liquid Squid
**********************************************************************21.9
Forrest Gump Life is like a Box of chocolates...
Forrest Simpson Mmmmm, chocolate...
Forrest Rivera People who like Chocolate..Next on
"Forrest"
Forrest Hefner Keep the chocolate, lose the box.
Forrest Of Borg All chocolates must be assimilated
Forrest Presley Hunk a hunk of milk chocolate
Forrest Zen I am one with the chocolate
Forrest McClain I used to be a box of Chocolates
Forrest Bones Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a box of
chocolate
Forrest Rooney Why is it that we are all chocolates?
Forrest O'Hara Tommorrow, is another box of chocolates.
Forrest X We didn't land in the box of chocolate
The box of chocolate landed on us
Forrest the Frog Someday we'll find it,
The chocolate connection
The plain ones,
The cream filled, and me
Forrest Eastwood I know what your thinking.
Did he eat five chocolates, or did he eat
six.
Well let me ask you...
Do you feel hungry,PUNK? Well...DO YOU?
Forrest Barney I'm cream filled
You're with nuts
We're a box of chocoluts...
Forrest Adam and Eve ADAM=Chocolates are forbidden
EVE=Just eat one....
Forrest Christ Let he without sin, eat the first
chocolate
ChiefJustice Forrest Thomas I never touched her milk-duds!
Forrest Andrews The Hills are alive...like a box of
chocolates
Forrest Vader Luke...I am your chocolate
Forrest Yoda There is a dark chocolate, and a light
chocolate...
Forrest SkeeLo I wish I had a box of Chocolates...
Forrest Trebeck The answer: This is like a box of Chocolate
(Contestant): What is Life
Dr. Forrest Ruth Chocolate is nice, but sex is better!
Forrest '95 The box is the same,
But the chocolates are upgraded
Forrest Ice If you got a chocolate,
Yo I'll box it.
Check out my life,
As my D.J Rocks it!
*********************************************************************21.10
If anyone ever owned a really powerful TRS80, Ti99-4A, or Sinclair 1000,
you probably remember either copying this game or writing it yourself.
Try not to crash your lunar lander as you descend to the surface - don't
get hit by the flying saucers and don't run out of fuel...
http://www.cube.net/planex/usplanex_java.html
*********************************************************************21.11
BABY GATES
For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft
shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces
when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11 p.m.
And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common?
1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party
support.
2. Both barf all over themselves _regularly_.
3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't
help.
4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which
preceeded them.
5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow
and grow and grow with each passing year.
6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could
have produced one.
7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.
8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement
and the actual release.
9. Bill gets the credit, but someone else did most of the work.
10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.
*********************************************************************21.12
39 Kinder, Gentler Ways to Say Someone is Stupid...
1. A few clowns short of a circus.
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
3. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
4. A few beers short of a six-pack.
5. Dumber than a box of hair.
6. A few peas short of a casserole.
7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
8. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
9. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
10. One taco short of a combination plate.
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
12. All foam, no beer.
13. The cheese slid off his cracker.
14. Body by Fisher - brains by Mattel.
15. Has an IQ of 2, and it takes 3 to grunt.
16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
18. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
19. An intellect rivaled only by that of garden tools.
20. As smart as bait.
21. Chimney's clogged.
22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
23. Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
25. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
26. Her sewing machine's out of thread.
27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
29. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
31. No grain in the silo.
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
33. Receiver is off the hook.
34. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
35. Skylight leaks a little.
36. Slinky's kinked.
37. Surfing in Nebraska.
38. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
39. Strong, like Bear... Smart, like Tractor.
*********************************************************************21.13
The Heuristic Squelch Dating Guide ( a Berkeley publication )
What They say: What They Mean:
------------------------------------------------------------------------
" Did you come? " " Because I didn't."
" I have something to tell you. " " Get tested. "
" I'm a Romantic. " " I'm poor. "
" I'll give you a call. " " I'd rather have my nipples torn
off by wild dogs than see you
again. "
" I never meant to hurt you. " " I thought you weren't a virgin. "
" Trust me. " " Let's just keep this between you
and me, pumpkin. "
" I love you. " " God, what have I gotten myself
into ? "
" I think we should just be friends." " You're ugly."
" Haven't I seen you before ? " " Nice ass."
" I want to make love. " " I want to make love."
" Was it good for you ? " " I'm insecure about my manhood."
" We need to talk. " " I'm pregnant."
" I had a wonderful time last night." " Who the hell are you? "
" I've been thinking a lot. " " You're not as attractive as when
I was drunk. "
" I've learned a lot from you. " " Next ."
" I want a commitment. " " I'm sick of masturbation. "
" I think we should see other people. " I have been seeing other people."
" Let's get married. " " Does that mean we can do it now ?"
" We don't have to do anything until " Put out or get out. "
you are ready. "
" I feel its time to express our love " Give me head. "
for each other. "
" I still think about you. " " I miss the sex. "
" Is there something wrong ? " " Is it supposed to be this soft ? "
" You're so mature. " " I hope you're eighteen. "
" Its never been like this before. " " Its my first time. "
" Yes...Yes...(scream!). " " Aren't you done yet ? "