Tequilla!
With the hot weather coming along it's time to find indoor things
to do. Bowling is great fun, and most alleys have a good selection
of beer. I went bowling Friday night and learned some things about
myself (, since it's the only thing I've learned about myself in a
long while, it'll just have to count as my enrichment for the year.)
I'm still a good bowler, but I have _no_ strength or stamina. I got
in 5-6 good frames during the first round and then flattened out. It
was quite embarassing.
I spent Saturday in the <hueck-phthoo> lovely towns of Bryan/College
Station. If you've missed the Texas Aggie experience then you've
missed one of the miserablest places on earth. I spent a few years
in Ruston, Louisiana, USA so I know miserable. Ruston is worse than
B/C.S. but not by much. The only reason I lasted a full 18 hours
is probably due to ~400 mililiters of tequilla. <Whoosh!>
Mathew Sweet Fans: 100% fun is great! It's not his crowning acheivement
(Girlfriend), but it's at least as good as Altered Beast. It's _very_
'pop'py, but still has the edge that Robert Quine and Richard Lloyd
have added to MS for the last couple of albums.
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[ I swore I wouldn't do this again, but From kmembry@viamar.com ]
At Intel, quality is job .9999163362
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[ Reprinting the ever popular From dear Alex <arosen@seas.gwu.edu. ]
[ I try to release this after finals so that I don't have the un- ]
[ fortunate pleasure of explaining to parents that I'm _not_ the ]
[ spokesperson of a generation, and their offspring are responsible ]
[ for their behavior, whether or not they learned how to do it from me. ]
50 things to do in an exam (fwd)
50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going
to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some
gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the
secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the
integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's
left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate
your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm
SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk
the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly
say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to
every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are
you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max
level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to
refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be
creative.
10. Bring pets.
[As usual, this is the abbreviated list. See http://www.eden.com/ ]
[ ~etrigan/exam.html for the full story. ]
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[ I won't mention who sent me this joke, but let's suffice it ]
[ to say that Curt<tankboy@eden.com> isn't the only filthy ]
[ reader I've got. ]
A panda breaks free and he is desperate for some shagging. So he goes
down to the nearest red light district finds himself a prostitute and
takes her to a resturant. After a huge meal the panda takes her to a
hotel room and fucks her brains out. After he has shot his load the whore
turns to him and says 'That will be 15 pounds.'. The Panda says 'Fuck
off, you don't have to pay for sex.'. So the prostitute gets out a
dictionary and reads out the definition of a prostitue 'A women who hets
paid for sex'. So the panda finds the definition of a panda and reads it
out to the whore, 'A panda : an animal that eats shoots and leaves'.
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here's a quick joke. I work in the telecom industry and
heard this one come to one of the ladies who works here:
"What's the difference between a woman and a computer?"
"A woman won't take a three and a half-inch floppy."
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[ A long submission to close from "Jank" <billjank@ix.netcom.com> ]
Taken from Dave Barry's new book, Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys
"Are You a Guy?" - a quiz
1. Ailen beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and
you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibaly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinate
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanantly
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You
decide to:
a. Present it to the President of the United States.
b. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
miss the most?
a. Innocence
b. Idealism
c. Cherry bombs
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without
regard for narrow minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (NOT on the lips)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the
only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business
reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich Maneuver. (And even in this
case you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food
trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a
home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that
(1) He is Legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are
wearing protective cups, and (2) you pound him fraternally with
your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
5. COMPLETE THIS SENTANCE: A funeral is a good time to
a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and
cancer.
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.
7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive
and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely
Sunday afternoon, the two of you are taking it easy-you're watching a
football game; she's reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the
clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she
can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your
relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to
get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future
together. What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe that the two of you have a future,
but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false
hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third
and seventeen.
8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and the
sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all of the adventures and
opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you
tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her
name, and when she turns to you with the sea breeze blowing her
hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her WHAT?
9. On weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her
is:
a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally
intended for your legs.
b. Whenit is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules
and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is NEVER okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy
checks the garbage regularly in case somebody - and we are not
naming names, but this would be the wife - is quietly trying to
discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because
the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than
her.
11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
fact that Moses led the Isralites all over the place for forty years
before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.
12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
a. Democracy.
b. Religon.
c. Remote Control.
HOW TO SCORE: Give yourself one point for every time you answer "c."
A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a REAL guy
would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point
bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease
and cancer.
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Well, Congrats to all the Grads I know and good luck out in the
real world (or grad school if you can't handle the real world).
I wish only my best for you. We'll (permenantly?) be losing the
following subscribers: B.T. (the roomie) <elvis@mail.cc.utexas.edu>,
and Bets. We virtually love you guys!