droopy eye.
I've decided to write an episode for the Seinfeld show:
+------...
George in the shower [disgusting, hunh?] is clearly almost done, yet he
pauses to glance strangely at the back of his shampoo bottle. He, then
proceeds to wash his hair again.
Later, at Jerry's place -
George: You know what I did for the first time ever in the shower this
morning?
Jerry: I thought that since you were practically married, you would
automatically be the "master of your domain".
George: No, not that. I repeated!
Jerry: If that's not what we're talking about, then you're losing me.
George: Lather, rinse, repeat; Lather! Rinse! REPEAT!! For over 30
years I have never repeated.
Jerry: Ok, but for the last 10 years, have you really had enough to
repeat with. Isn't it too late to start now?
[ jokes about "does anyone repeat?", "my hairdresser never repeats" ]
[ etc., etc. ]
...------+
Now you know why I write my own 'zine and not tv scripts.
P.S. New addition to the home page. I wrote a program that lets you
cycle through Mondays and find the WU edition for that Monday. This
proves I'm not just a geek with an e-mail program, I can program!
***********************************************************************toc
[ Table of Contents ]
20.1 Arch! -review- (xiphoid@nicom.com)
20.2 Parrots prayers. -joke- (stavros@eden.com)
20.3 The Craft. -review- (Jhathorn@shreveport.harrahs.com)
20.4 cool band. -URL- (membryk@vislab.com)
20.5 Purity Test #99,999,997 -humor- (larry_york@ccmail.us.dell.com)
20.6 Apt4Rent. -joke- (stavros@eden.com)
20.7 News of the Wired -URL- (Kristian_Reich@ccmail.us.dell.com)
20.8 i feel like a banana. -review- (that girl & that girl's friend)
20.9 No more free TV?!? -URL- (etrigan@eden.com)
20.10 A little dab will do ya... -humor- (stavros@eden.com)
20.11 David Spade Escapade. -URL- (xiphoid@nicom.com)
20.12 Mosh for Christ. -humor- (xiphoid@nicom.com)
20.13 FBI Top Ten. -URL- (membryk@vislab.com)
20.14 Fire! -humor- (tankboy@eden.com)
20.15 Cover it! -humor- (membryk@vislab.com)
20.16 Get A Life. -humor- (?)
20.17 Klingon Birthday. -humor- (qos@kli.org)
**********************************************************************20.1
Review: Arch Deluxe
Today I am a man. All my life I have eaten burgers made for children.
Today I partook of the Arch Deluxe, McDonald's new burger aimed at
pumping up their adult demographic, and from the looks of my local
McDonalds on opening day, plenty of other folks were following the
hype as well. the restaurant reminded me at once of "Willy Wonka and
the Chocolate Factory" and "Soylent Green."
The place was packed, people were lined up five- and six-deep, every
seat was filled, and on just about every tray, there was a bright
cardboard and plastic box holding the new Arch Deluxe. I would
imagine Mickey D's across the country had to hire temps just to keep
up with demand.
Sure, there were a few teenagers hanging around the corner trying to
score some "Arch," and the bouncer didn't seem to be carding when we
got there, but the crowd seemed pretty grown up and reserved as they
enjoyed their burgers.
This amazing new burger, if you haven't had one, is a quarter pound
patty, cheese, ketchup, dijon mustard, real leaf lettuce, tomato,
and optional bacon (30 cents) on a kaiser-like roll. It is one tasty
burger. I'd put it up there with any of Wendy's offerings, maybe a
little higher since I dislike the pickles and the usual mass of
mayonnaise and ketchup Wendy usually adds. But is it an innovation
in the fast-burger industry? Not really, but it is different from
anything else McDonald's offers.
I tried it on opening day, but I'll give it a "Monday Lunch"
recommendation. My only request for McDonald's is that they make an
Arch Deluxe Happy meal.
**********************************************************************20.2
A woman approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say
one thing."
"What do they say?", the priest asked.
"They only know how to say `Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to
have some FUN?'"
"That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to
your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house
and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught
to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to
stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to
pray and worship."
"Thank you." said the lady.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's
house.
The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in
their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking
parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you
want to have some FUN?"
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "PUT
THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!"
**********************************************************************20.3
Review: The Craft
Alright - let's get straight to the point. Yes - the four witches are
real hotties! And no - they don't show any skin (drats). Sorry guys!
But overall, it's still a pretty good flick. The movie revolves around
three girls who fall into the outsider group at school. They have formed
their own coven of witches but they lack one more to make the group
complete. Enter Sarah (and what a babe!!). She finally joins with the
group and the witching begins. And of course as most all things go, it
gets out of hand.
The acting is pretty good as are the effects and the story/plot.
Overall - a darn fine film. Matinee with a date. And considering some
of the scenes involving lots of nightcrawlers, dinner is totally
optional.
**********************************************************************20.4
[ Ok, musical tastes aside (cause IMHO these guys are the Romantics ]
[ hurled up all over again) the layout for this page is great. I'm ]
[ gonna have to rip off the design for part of my page. ]
http://johniac.gt.ed.net/johniac/machino2.html
**********************************************************************20.5
[ The latest of a "the Purity Tests." I'm printing this one for two ]
[ reasons: (1) It's the shortest one I've seen so it's the best one, ]
[ (2) I made a 120 and I wanted to brag! ]
The Corruption Test--How Sleazy are You?
(1) Ever laughed at someone else's misfortune?
1 point
(2) Ever laughed at a physically or mentally handicapped person?
2 points
(3) Ever tried alcohol?
1 point
(4) Ever been drunk?
2 points
(5) Ever play drinking games?
2 points
(6) Ever fall down because you drank too much?
3 points
(7) Ever drink enogh to throw up?
4 points
bonus: throwing up on yourself or another person
1 point
(8) Ever wake up and not remember what you did the night before?
5 points
(9) Ever been forceably removed from a bar?
8 points
(10) Ever participated in/finishd a pub crawl?
5 points
(11) Do you drink regularly, at least 3 times a week?
3 points
bonus: 1 point for each additionnal day (max 7 points)
(12) Ever fall asleep/pass out in a bar?
4 points
(13) Ever try pot, hash, magic mushrooms?
4 points for each one tried
(14) Do yo do drgs regularly?
4 points
bonus: at least 4 times a week
4 points
(15) Ever bought soft drugs?
4 points
(16) Ever sell drugs?
8 points
(17) Ever sell drugs to support a drug habit?
12 points
(18) Ever used barbituates?
8 points
(19) Ever used hallucinogens?
8 points
(20) Ever used nacotics?
10 points
(21) Ever been stoned or drunk for more than 48 hours?
8 points
(22) Ever been on a date?
2 points
(23) Ever been felt up, groped?
2 points
bonus: to orgasm
2 points
(24) Ever had sexual intercourse?
6 points
(25) Ever had a bath or shower with the opposite sex?
5 points
(26) Ever paid for sex?
8 points
(27) Ever taken advantage of someone while they were stoned or drunk?
4 points
(28) Ever get someone stoned or drunk to obtain sexual favors and
succeed?
8 points
(29) Ever engage in oral sex?
4 points
bonus: to orgasm
2 points
(30) Ever engage in anal sex?
6 points
bonus: to orgasm
2 points
(31) Ever engage in th 69 position?
4 points
(32) Ever contract an STD?
12 points
(33) Ever had sex without a contraceptive?
4 points
(34) Ever had or knowingly been responsible for an abortion?
12 points
(35) Ever had sex with two or more partners in a week?
4 points
(36) Ever had sex with more than one person at a time?
9 points
(37) Ever had sex in a public place?
6 points
(38) Ever had carpet burns in relation to a sexual act?
4 points
(39) Ever engage in sexual activity with a member of the same sex?
10 points
(40) Ever practiced bondage, masochism, or sadism for sexual
gratification?
8 points
(41) Ever used sex toys?
6 points
(42) Ever pass out during sex?
5 points
(43) Ever been responsible for losing someone else's virginity?
4 points
(44) Ever masturbated while talking on the phone?
3 points
(45) Ever bought something in a sex shop?
3 points
(46) Ever licked or have someone lick
an eyeball--1 point
toes---2 points
ears---1 point
(47) Ever have sex with a relative?
5 points
(48) Ever make someone sleep in the wet spot?
6 points
(49) Does necrophelia, pedophilia, or beastiality turn you on?
20 points
(50) Ever been arrested?
8 points
bonus: If convicted
7 points
SCORING
0-20 A life with the church is too corrupt for you.
21-40 You barely make our scale.
41-60 Approaching normal, you aren't much fun on a date.
61-100 Normal, you use your rigfht hand like everyone else.
101-130 Above average, you've got a few tricks below the belt.
131-160 You're enjoying life to the max.
161-200 You're a danger to society. Who let you out on a day pass?
200+ You're going straight to hell.
**********************************************************************20.6
APARTMENT FOR RENT
a prosperous business man propositioned a beautiful girl and she agreed
to spend the night with him for $500. when he was ready to leave in the
morning, he told her that he didn't have any money with him but that he
would have his secretary write a check for it and make it out as "rent
for an apartment." on the way to the office, he decided that the whole
thinkg wasn't worth the price he had agreed to pay. so he advised his
secretary to send the check for $250 and include the following note:
dear madam: enclosed is my check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. i am not sending the amount i agreed upon, because when i
rented the apartment, i was under the impression:
1. that it had never been occupied.
2. that there was plenty of heat.
3. that it was small.
last night, i found that it had been occupied, there wasnpt any heat and
it was entirely too large. upon the receipt of the note, the girl
immediately returned the check with the following note:
dear sir: i am returning your check for $250. i can not understand how
you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. as
for the heat, there was plenty of it, if you knew how to turn it on. as
for the size, it isn't my fault if you didn't have sufficient furniture
to fill it.
**********************************************************************20.7
[ News of the Wierd goes wired. Use the following URL to go through ]
[ the NotW archives, or send notw-request@nine.org a message with ]
[ the subject "subscribe" to get on a weekly mailing list. ]
http://www.nine.org/notw/
**********************************************************************20.8
just wanted to give you a report from college-land, where we are in the
throes of final mania. consequently, we have been making a lot of visits
to the altar of junk food, the dorm vending machine. today we encountered
a new and interesting version of the ever-popular Chee-tos, called
Chee-tos Cheesy Checkers. Chester Cheetah and Co. have taken a severe
turn for the worse with this lame-ass variation of the waffle fry. The
package (which is an entirely other subject) boasts of 33% more cheese,
but we didn't notice. The puff-to-cheese ratio has been altered in an
unsatisfactory manner (shot to hell, some would say). for those who
preferred chee-tos for their crunch, you'll think that you are in a bad
cheez puff nightmare with these pitiful "cheese flavored snacks." Frito
Lay made a mistake trying to improve on the timeless Chee-tos, but we
can forgive them this little foible. after all, it ain't easy bein'
cheesy.
cynthia and becky
**********************************************************************20.9
[ Do you enjoy getting Free TV? Even if you have cable, there's a ]
[ lot to be lost if some of the FCC's current plans go through. ]
[ Imagine all the "local" channels going out of business and major ]
[ cable channels (Turner, HBO/Showtime) picking up your prime time ]
[ shows and making you pay to watch them. Read at the following ]
[ URL for more: ]
http://www.kxan.com/freetv.html
*********************************************************************20.10
I just had a woman call and tell me, after 30 minutes of troubleshooting,
that they had squirted hot glue into the card sockets and inserted the
cards so they would not come out. She said that they seated the cards
with hot glue, and now it was dripping all over!!! I told her that was
probably what was wrong...
*********************************************************************20.11
Another true story of fighting The Man with the Internet. 'cept The
Man in this case is actually David Spade.
[ What can I add? Read this page and find out that even David Spade ]
[ is an asshole suit dressed like a real comedian. ]
http://www.cs.montana.edu/~ashworth/spade.html
*********************************************************************20.12
[ We're gonna have to keep a closer eye out for those GenX christians; ]
[ They seem to be almost the same as all the freaks! ]
From a "Gen-X" religious discussion list:
In her story on the "Christian Woodstock" [sic] part of the rally
(which took place Monday) Lynn Neary observed a number of Christian
bands performing in distinctly "secular" ways, including inviting the
crowd to form a mosh pit. She observed, "...the kids began running.
They leapt over stone walls that line the path leading up to the
Capitol, and rushed toward the huge speakers set up on the Senate side
of the building. They jumped up and down in a tangle [?]. Two young
women rode on the shoulders of some boys until an older man with gray
hair told them to get down, and they did."
Neary then interviewed a young woman, who said it was "almost" like
being at a regular rock concernt. "The only problem is there's a big
space - the mosh pit should have a tighter space to jump, and really
have good mosh pits.... Some people might think it's surprising to
see moshing at, like, a Christian event. No way. You just jump in
for the Lord. We're not nuns. But if you're- you just mosh, it's
really just for fun, that's all it is."
*********************************************************************20.13
[ Been doing things you shouldn't have? bad enough for the FBI to ]
[ notice? Well, here's where to go and look if they've caught on ]
[ yet or not. Also, you can look for the family black sheep! : ) ]
http://www.fbi.gov/toplist.htm
*********************************************************************20.14
And you thought you were having a bad day ...
"Response to a wildfire on the south of France's Cote d'Azur
was billed as a marvel of modern fire-fighting technology. Two
specially-built flying boats zoomed in, skimmed the waters of
the Mediterranean, scooping vast amounts of water into their
belly tanks, and then dropped the water on the hillside fire.
All was jolly and the wine flowed freely until a body was found
in the ashes. "The coroner found that the gentleman had
apparently fallen from a great height, suffering serious
injuries before being burned to death. The report further noted
that the victim was wearing a bathing suit, snorkel, and swim
fins."
*********************************************************************20.15
IN HONOUR OF NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK, OUR LITTLE FRIEND "ROBBIE RUBBER"
REMINDS US TO:
1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Before you attack her, cover your whacker.
3. Don't be silly, protect your willie.
4. Before you blast her, guard your bushmaster.
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
6. When it doubt, shroud your spout.
7. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
8. If you ain't gonna sack it, go home and whack it.
9. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
10.Before your bag her, sheath your dagger.
11.It'll be sweeter if you cover your peter.
12.If you slip between thighs, be sure to condomize.
13.Save embarassment later, cover your 'gator.
14.She won't get sick if you cap your dick.
15.If you go into heat, package your meat.
16.While undressing your Venus, dress up your penis.
17.Off with her pants and blouse? Suit up the trouser mouse.
18.Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
19.Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
20.She'll do cunnilingus with a shielded dingus, and be into fellatio
if you wrap your Horatio.
21.Before the van start rockin', be sure your cock gets a stockin'.
22.Don't be a fool, Vulcanize your tool.
23.The right selection? Sack that erection.
24.Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
25.A crank with armor will never harm her.
*********************************************************************20.16
Sound like anybody you know?
You go outside and look for a brightness knob to turn down the sun.
You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
You get a tuner card so you can watch TV while surfing.
You and your friends get together regularly on IRC, even though all of you
live in the same city.
When told to "go to your room" you inform your parents that you can't...
because you were kicked out and banned.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone
lines.
You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem
and a laptop.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap ... and your
child in the overhead compartment.
*********************************************************************20.17
[ I received this on my birthday. I didn't realise the Klingon's ]
[ were so nice...or that they even had figured out e-mail. ]
We've discovered, from the World Birthday Web
(http://www.boutell.com/birthday.cgi/), that it's your birthday! So...
A very happy birthday to you, from the Klingon Language Institute!
Or, as we like to say "Quchjaj qoSlIj."
DuQuchmoH neH jajvam 'e' wItulbej
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
:: Dr Lawrence M Schoen, Director :: The KLI is a nonprofit ::
:: The Klingon Language Institute :: tax exempt corporation ::
:: POB 634, Flourtown, PA 19031 USA :: DaH HuchlIj'e' ghonob ::
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
:: lawrence@kli.org :: http://www.kli.org :: 215/836-4955 ::
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::