lard and pickle sandwich
The day the laughter died...is somewhere in the distant future. Again
it happens, the recurring theme of repetitive Weekend Updates is here
one more time: the (nearly) all-joke issue.
Many thanks to those who saw fit to contribute; shame and degradation
to those who decided to keep those electronic candies to themselves and
not share with the rest of us. (And to Sandi: How do you get any work
done when you send out so many jokes?)
-----
The Weekend Update home page is currently sporting a new sponsor/ad at
the top of the page. Please, do me a favor and pull up the WU page
(http://www.eden.com/~etrigan/) and take note of the Riddler banner
(and maybe go play some Riddler games and make some money for yourself).
Since I'll only make money if I get enough "unique hits" to my webpage,
I'd appreciate all the help I can get!
***********************************************************************toc
15.1 "Ask the Amish" -URL- (Kelly.McCollum@chronicle.com)
15.2 Whale. -joke- (Sandi_Haines@us.dell.com)
15.3 Find a friend. -URLs- (membryk@madison.vislab.com)
15.4 Beanie. -URL- (etrigan@eden.com)
15.5 Red(wood)-kneck. -joke- (Sandi_Haines@us.dell.com)
15.6 One More HSL... -joke- (Sandi_Haines@us.dell.com)
15.7 Bad Secretary. -joke- (Sandi_Haines@us.dell.com)
15.8 Speak Up... -joke- (tankboy@eden.com)
15.9 Gender Seminars. -humor- (unwired co-worker)
15.10 Victoria's Common Knowledge. -joke- (Sandi_Haines@us.dell.com)
15.11 Spoilers. -usenet- (etrigan@eden.com)
**********************************************************************15.1
"Ask the Amish"
http://padutch.welcome.com/askamish.html
Can you figure this one out?
It does give me an idea for my Web page, which I should probably
credit to Dennis Miller or somebody:
The Make Fun of the Amish Page:
"What do I care, they're never going to see it"
**********************************************************************15.2
Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when
the male looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five
years ago. Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the
male whale says to the female "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air
through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make
them think twice about killing innocent whales." The female whale
agrees, and the plan works perfectly.
Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that
most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either
swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily,
the male whale yells "They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!"
Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: "Sure", she
says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing
seamen! "
**********************************************************************15.3
Need to find someone's email or phone number?
Search
Email
http://www.bigfoot.com/
http://www.iaf.net
http://www.whowhere.com/
http://worldemail.com/
http://www.four11.com
Phone Number
http://www.switchboard.com
**********************************************************************15.4
Take a look at http://granite.sentex.net/~bracken/beanie.html and be
amazed...stare in wonder:
The Definition of Freedom
"...There is no definition of freedom. Definitions categorise,thus, they
restrict. beanie will not restrict freedom; Freedom will be free with
beanie..."
What "They" Don't Want You to Know
"...A low frequency message is picked up by NASA satellites. It is faint
and somewhat garbled, but its contents are so momentous that every light
in the Pentagon burns 24 hours a day, for six solid weeks..."
"...If you are still confused, don't worry. You are not alone. You are
never alone.
In fact, many other "people" have experienced similar recalcitrance in
meeting beanie half-way.But it's not a real problem (in the sense that
a real problem can be solved with a bomb). Your confusion is simply a
psycho-socio defect for which hard work and good clean water can
compensate.
And remember, if not as a human being, we at least respect you as a
living organism..."
This URL is not for the weak of mind...
**********************************************************************15.5
This Ventriloquist was doing his act at club way down South. After doing
a lot of Redneck and Hillbilly jokes, this big Hillbilly stood up and
yelled. "HEY ya-all, we-all ain't as dumb as we-all look ya know." The
ventriloquist replied "Calm down buddy. It's only meant in good fun."
The Hillbilly replied, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to that
little son of bitch sittin' on your lap!!!
**********************************************************************15.6
I published the "Humorous Sex Laws" in my October 2, 1995 issue
(http://www.eden.com/~etrigan/back_issues/wu_10_2_95.html) but I
received one more:
In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting
or fishing on your wedding day.
**********************************************************************15.7
Why I fired my secretary
------------------------------
Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot
that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be
pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me. She
didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I said,
well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. The children
came into breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office
I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning,
Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had
remembered.
I worked until noon.
About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it's such a
beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just
you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into
the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed
lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a
beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office. Do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a
cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into
the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes, she came out...
... carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife and children.
All were singing Happy Birthday.
... and there on the couch I sat...
... with nothing on but my socks......
**********************************************************************15.8
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to
her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for
a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No,
I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at
them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he
slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to
him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I
embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm
studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
**********************************************************************15.9
Answering the question "Why can't we all just get along?"
Get to know the other sex. SIGN UP TODAY!!!
SEMINARS FOR MALES
All male classes are prepared and presented by females only
1. Combating Stupidity
2. You, too, can do housework
3. PMS -- Learn when to keep your mouth shut.
4. How to fill an ice tray
5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas -- Give us money
6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at
4:00am
7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled "Don't wash my
silks")
8. Parenting -- No, it doesn't end with conception
9. Get a life -- learn to cook
10. How not to act like an asshole when you're obviously wrong
11. Spelling -- Even you can get it right
12. Understanding your financial incompetence
13. You -- The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to give flowers
15. How to stay awake after sex
16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the
bathroom
17. Garbage -- Getting it to the curb
18. You can fall asleep without "it" if you really try
19. The morning dilemma if "It's" awake. Take a shower
20. I'll wear it if I damn well please
21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly "No, it's not a bidet")
22. "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms
23. Give me a break! Why we know your excuses are bullshit
24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost
25. The remote control -- Overcoming your dependency
26. Romanticism - Ideas other than sex
27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes
28. Mother-in-laws -- They are people, too
29. Male bonding -- Leaving your friends at home
30. You too can be a designated driver
31. Seeing the true you (formerly "No, you don't look like Mel
Gibson, especially when naked!")
32. Changing your underwear -- It really works
33. The Attainable Goal -- Omitting "TITS" from your vocabulary
34. Fluffing the blankets after flatulenting is NOT necessary
35. Techniques for calling home
_________________________________________________________________
SEMINARS FOR WOMEN
All female classes are prepared and presented by males only
1. "Are you ready to leave?" -- Definition of the word "yes"
2. Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly "Honey, do I look
fat?")
3. Elementary Map Reading
4. Crying and law enforcement
5. Advanced Math Seminar -- Program your VCR
6. You can go shopping for less then 4 hours
7. Gaining five pounds v. the end of the world: a study in contrast
8. The Seven-Outfit Week
9. PMS -- It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (was: It's Happened Monthly
Since Puberty -- Deal With It)
10. Driving I: Getting past automatic transmission
11. Driving II: The meaning of blinking red lights
12. Driving III: Approximating a constant speed
13. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving--It's As Simple As Oil and Water
14. The Super Bowl: Not a Game--A Sacrament
15. Telephone Translations (was: "Me too" equals "I Love You")
16. How to Earn Your Own Money
17. Gift-giving Fundamentals (was: Fabric Bad, Electronics Good)
18. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your
Side
19. Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
20. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
21. We forget birthdays, you forget sports stats: LET'S LET IT DROP
22. MYOB: Proper response to other couple's public arguments
23. Yes, You Can Buy Condoms (was: WE learned to deal with the
embarrassment)
24. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
25. What Goes Around Comes Around--Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
26. The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours
27. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
28. Committment Schmittment (was: Wedlock Schmedlock)
29. "To Honor and Obey:" Remembering the small print above "I Do"
30. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
31. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man-child
Healing his Father Wound by Expressing the Latent Wild Man
Within?
Please sign up early. Seats are very limited!!!
*********************************************************************15.10
Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
#10 Does this come in children's sizes?
#9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind. (think about it.)
#7 Mom will love this.
#6 Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys Logo on it?
#5 No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me???
#3 Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
#2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud
in Victoria's secret:
#1 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
*********************************************************************15.11
If the only internet resources you've discovered are e-mail and the
infamous World Wide Web, then you may be missing something that's a
neccesary tool for any fanatic. What's your pleasure?
Usenet News Groups are like specialized electronic bulletin boards.
They're often used to carry long term conversations with other peoples
who have a similar interest. They're also a great place to get
"spoilers". These are files posted by people who have way too much
spare time, but we're thankful they do.
- rec.music.beatles.-
I've been converting from Beatles lover to Beatles fanatic and the
news group rec.music.beatles has turned me on to a file called "What
Goes On? - The Beatles Anomaly List". Every extraneous noise that
can be identified on a Beatles album is listed in every detail even
down to the time it appears in the song. Here's an example:
Happiness is a Warm Gun
0:57
The mixers brought up a track too quickly. Originally,
John sang the "I need a fix" line twice, but the first
was supposed to be left out in the release. The end of
the first "down," though, ended up on the master
1:32
High pitched titter from the "female" backing voices. Caught
unawares by an early drop in?
2:21
Print-through of the word "Gun".
At first you ask yourself "Why?" but when you finally decide to pull
out the White Album and listen for these you'll find yourself with
a foolish grin on your face as you hear them.
-alt.tv.simpsons-
Any good Simpsons fan knows that the Monday morning after a new
Simpson's episode is just as entertaining as the show itself.
Here's sections from the spoiler of last nights episode (rerun):
[3F02] Bart Sells His Soul
Blackboard :- I am not a lean mean spitting machine.
Couch :- The Simpsons drive around the living room
in little white cars, a la Shriners, each
sporting a red fez. They all pull into a
line in front of the TV set and honk their
horns twice.
Did you notice...
... in church, the guy behind Homer appears to be
drunk?
... Homer's car is always the only one parked on
the street in front of Moe's?
... Apu's "Welcome" mat is backwards, so it reads
"Welcome" when you're leaving?
Movie (and other) references
+ "Alice" - the episode where Mel offers a free
meal if he doesn't smile, just like Moe does.
+ Jerry Seinfeld's SO Shoshanna - Snake's date
has the same name and looks the same
-alt.tv.x-files-
X-files fans can watch for spoilers and discrepancies like:
Born Again
A little girl is tied to the deaths of two Buffalo police-
men, but the possibility that she is the murderer is
ludicrous. So Mulder and Scully begin an investigation of
the eight year old, turning up evidence that may help to
solve a nine year old murder case. A case Mulder believes
was the death of the girl's past life.
1. Why did Mulder, a trained psychologist, and another
psychologist confuse Multiple Personality Syndrome
with Schizophrenia?
2. When Michelle is working with Mulder and the computer
guy (Harry) on the computerized mugshot of the man
Michelle saw in the room when Barballa was killed Mulder
asks her about the guy's hair. Mulder asks if it's dark
like his or lighter like Michelle's. Michelle says it's
like hers, which was blond. Harry then gives the picture
DARK hair and no one corrects him.
-
So, now that you've mastered e-mail and the Web, double click on
that News icon and see what you can find in the world of Usenet
for your obsessions.