stuffed Stove Top(tm).
***********************************************************************toc
[ Table of Contents ]
18.1 Chocodrink. -URL- (membryk@vislab.com)
18.2 Gates and God. -joke- (larry_york@ccmail.us.dell.com)
18.3 Combustible Mac. -URL- (etrigan@eden.com)
18.4 Golf. -joke- (stavros@eden.com)
18.5 Egg. -joke- (larry_york@ccmail.us.dell.com)
18.6 Real Men Drink. -joke- (xiphoid@nicom.com)
18.7 College. -humor- (arosen@seas.gwu.edu)
18.8 FBI/pizza. -humor- (spike@io.com)
18.9 Duff. -news- (billjank@mindport.net)
18.10 MegaVirgin. -review- (membryk@vislab.com)
18.11 OOPS. -URL/geek_info- (etrigan@eden.com)
18.12 Press Release. -URL- (ellison@ingress.com)
18.13 Geek. -humor- (tankboy@eden.com)
18.14 Movie. -review- (Jhathorn@shreveport.harrahs.com)
**********************************************************************18.1
[ It takes a world of them, and here's one... ]
http://northshore.shore.net/~flashbyt/ovaltine/
Ovaltine
Welcome to the Ovaltine home page. Here you will find information on the
best chocolate drink in the world! Take a look around and tell me what
you think.
[ ...with extremely useful info such as,... ]
- Things to do with empty Ovaltine containers.
- The Ovaltinies song
- Nutritional Information
**********************************************************************18.2
So God brings Clinton, Yeltsin and Bill Gates to his office and says
"Men, I've decided to bring an end to the world this Thursday -- I
want you to go back and tell your people."
Upon his return, Clinton holds a press conference and says "People of
America, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that all
these years we've been saying 'one nation under God' we've been right
-- there is a God. The bad news is he is destroying the world on
Thursday."
Yeltsin makes an announcement to the Russian people and say "Brave
comrads, I have bad news and bad news. The first bad news is that
we've been wrong all these years -- there really is a God. The other
bad news is he is going to destroy the world on Thursday."
Bill Gates calls a board meeting of Microsoft. "I have good news and
good news!" he tells them. "The first good news is that God called
a meeting of the three people he thinks are the most important in the
world and I was one of them. The other good news is that OS/2 stops
shipping on Thursday."
**********************************************************************18.3
[ I won't say that I'm prejudiced, but this page brought me great ]
[ joy. Wanna see a macintosh explode? I did and I'm willing to ]
[ own that. Bleah! ]
http://pgd.scvnet.com/mac/
[ What does it take to blow up a mac? I'm glad you asked. ]
Here's Some Of The Things We Used:
Pyrodex (A Synthetic Gun Powder)
Lighter Fluid
White Gas
And Some Fireworks
**********************************************************************18.4
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The
first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his
hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to
roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately
began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical
therapist and offered to help ease his "pain".
"Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes."
He replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands
together at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She
began to massage his groin. After a few moments she asked, "does
that feel better?"
The man looked up at her and replied, "yes, that feels pretty good...
but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
**********************************************************************18.5
So you think your life is bad, just think how
bad the life of the egg is:
you only get laid once
you only get eaten once
takes 4 mins. to get hard
2 mins. to get soft
you have to share a box with 11 other guys
and the only one who gets to sit
on your face is your mother!
**********************************************************************18.6
My first joke submission. I'm so proud.
[ Ok, kmc was the first to submit this, but not the only one. I ]
[ received this same joke completely re-written from a co-worker ]
[ the same day I got it from kmc. So for this week's "It's A ]
[ Small Virtual World After All Award" goes to: ]
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over
the bar: FREE BEER FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of
pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face
while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore
tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's
a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things
right for her.
Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You
have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and they get
crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez
zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands,
and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.
Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear
the most frightning roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and
big scratches all over his body.
"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
**********************************************************************18.7
[ The full version of this can be found in the Net Fluff section ]
[ on the WU homepage (http://www.eden.com/~etrigan). ]
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN COLLEGE TOO LONG WHEN...
[ The Condensed Version ]
* You consider McDonald's "real food"
* You actually like doing laundry at home
* 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends
* 4:00 AM is still early on the weeknights
* Two miles is not too far to walk for a party
* You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it
* You'd rather clean than study
* You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps
* You know the pizza boy by name
* You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark
* You live for getting mail
* Looking out the window is a form of entertainment
* Prank phone calls become funny again
* It feels weird to take a shower without shoes on
* Whole wars can take place, and you are clueless
* You start thinking and sounding like your roommate
* You start looking like your roommate
* Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth
* Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime
* You find out milk crates had so many uses
* Wal-mart is the coolest store
* The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday, (or Wednesday morning
to Tuesday night)
**********************************************************************18.8
The FBI Pizza call
From a talk by R. James Woolsey, Director of Central Intelligence,
given at a conference on global organized crime.
"Just in case you think the FBI is not on the job, I have received a
true intercept (and this is not made up...it is not Saturday Night
Live) that the FBI made of itself while conducting an investigation in
San Diego. It was sent to me by a friend of mine who used to be with
counterintelligence in Washington. It is called "The FBI Pizza Call."
FBI agents conducted a raid of a San Diego psychiatric hospital that
was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of
reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents worked up
quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a
nearby pizza parlor to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The
following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI
because they were taping the hospital."
Agent: "Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of
soda."
Pizza Man: "And where would you like them delivered?"
Agent: "We're over at the psychiatric hospital."
Pizza Man: "To the psychiatric hospital?"
Agent: "That's right. I'm an FBI agent."
Pizza Man: "You're an FBI agent?"
Agent: "That's correct. Just about everybody here is."
Pizza Man: "And you're at the psychiatric hospital?"
Agent: "That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the
front doors.We have them locked. You will have to go
around the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas."
Pizza Man: "And you say you're all FBI agents?"
Agent: "That's right. How soon can you have them here?"
Pizza Man: "And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?"
Agent: "That's right. We've been here all day, and we're starving."
Pizza Man: "How are you going to pay for all of this?"
Agent: "I have my checkbook right here."
Pizza Man: "And you're all FBI agents?"
Agent: "That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you
remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service
entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked."
Pizza Man: "I don't think so."
**********************************************************************18.9
DUFF SAID
The Down Under beer is in court
Our nomination for Simpson Trial of the Century (after, of
course, the Juice) is: the Brew, a trial just getting under way in
Australia. To wit, Twentieth Century Fox -- home of "The Simpsons"
-- is suing an Aussie brewer that recently came out with a beer
sharing the name of Homer Simpson's fave brew, Duff Beer. A suds
story indeed.
Maybe there's just a little Aussie-U.S. rivalry going on here
-- remember the episode where Bart was supposed to apologize to the
little Australian boy by having his butt kicked? Or maybe, as past
rumors of Groening-instigated litigation have hinted, "The
Simpsons" likes to borrow heavily, but not to be the borrowee. After
all, with Duff alone the show clearly took, um, inspiration from
another real beer when the family packed off to Duff Gardens.
No matter, apparently. Fox's lawyer has been humorlessly
instructing the judge on the finer points of Simpson lore,
particularly Duff-relevant tidbits about Homer, like his pre-
dilection for exclaiming "d'oh!" and that "he's very fond of
Duff Beer." Ultimately, counsel charges, Lion Nathan Australia (the
brewer) is using the name Duff to capitalize on the "irreverent
anti-hero status of Homer" and imply a lucrative Simpsons tie-in.
For its part, the beermakers contend that they named their quaff
"duff" for the same reason the Simpsons did -- because it's funny.
Besides, they maintain, "'The Simpsons' don't have any ownership
of the word 'duff' in the liquor industry." D'oh!
*********************************************************************18.10
Virgin MegaStore - NYC (Time Square)
The store opened Tuesday, so I went today, wednesday, and it was still
mobbed. It's supposedly the largest entertainment/music store in the
world. It's 3 floors, a main floor and 2 sub basement floors.
There's a Sony Theater complex in the basement along with a Virgin
Cafe. The main floor and B1 are music, B2 is multimedia software,
Videos and Laserdiscs (they have a whole section on Critereon
Laserdiscs). The most bizzarre feature of the place is Virgin Cola
($.50 cola...why anyone would want this I don't know)
Tomorrow night the Foo Fighters are playing in the basement (for free
I assume) so I have to wait outside at 10am for passes.
They also have a D.J. booth above the escalator area (that's no big
deal...same as HMV) (the d.j. was really lame too...I'd go to HMV in
Herald Square, they crank so good tunes there)
*********************************************************************18.11
[ Warning: This is for geeks only. If you're a geek, you'll think ]
[ the next piece is really cool. If you aren't just go away and ]
[ let us wallow in our geekdom, ok!? ]
The OOPS Effect
What is OOPS?
OOPS stands for Out Of Phase Stereo. It is a simple technique used to
process the two channels of modern stereo recordings into a "new", third
channel, enabling us uncover "hidden" sounds in stereo recordings. The
resulting OOPSed signal is a single channel, mono signal.
This process is also known as "Left Minus Right". When Quadraphonic
recording was the rage in the seventies, OOPS or Left Minus Right was
used as a cheap way of creating a new, third channel to increase the
stereo listening experience.
The OOPS effect can be used on all of your stereo recordings to hear
them in a way you've never heard them before. The OOPS process has also
been used by some unscrupulous bootlegers to create and sell "new
mixes" of previously available material.
Why OOPS Works
The speakers (or headphones) of your stereo system convert an electrical
signal into sound, by moving the speaker cone in relation to the postive
and negative waves in the signal.
In the simple example of a pure tone, the electrical signal makes the
speaker "oscillate" (move back and forth rapidly) by moving outwards
on the positive (+) halves of the electrical waves, and move back in
on the negative halves. The speaker moves the air in front of it, and
this frequently oscillating air reaches your ears as sound. This single
wave is a "frequency" (how frequently the sound moves back and forth)
and you hear it as a tone.
Recorded sound is made up of many of these elecrtrical waves in various
combinations relating to the frequencies in the sounds being recorded.
Now, imagine two signals that are identical, except they are "out of
phase" with each other, that is, that when one signal is having a postive
wave peak, the other is having an identical negative peak.
If these signals are mixed together, they will cancel each other out. The
positive peak of the first signal tries to make the speaker move out, but
as it does, it is counteracted by the equal but opposite negative peak
from the second signal, which tries to pull the speaker cone back in, so
no sound results.
Now the good part!
In a stereo recording, some of the sounds are recorded on the left
channel, and some are recorded on the right channel. However, because
of the mixing done during the recording process, some sounds are on
BOTH channels. It is very common in modern stereo recordings, for
example, for the instruments to be in stereo (different) on both sides,
and the vocal to be "in the middle", by having it mixed into both
channels.
Now, if you took one of the channels of the above example and combined it
OUT OF PHASE (plus to minus and minus to plus) with the other channel,
whatever was THE SAME in both channels would cancel out, and you would
hear only what was DIFFERENT in both channels. In our example, you would
cancel the vocal, and hear only the instrumental accompaniment.
How To Hear OOPS On Your Stereo
Commercially made Surround-Sound amplifiers use enhanced Left-Minus-Right
circuits to create the same thing as the OOPS effect, and they're coming
down in price, so if you can find one, that would probably be the easiest
way to hear OOPS. Just turn off the "front" speakers and listen to the
"rear" speaker(s).
You can use your existing stereo system to listen to a stereo recording
using OOPS without purchasing any new equipment. To do so, you need to
make a special physical speaker hook-up.
Using one speaker, hook up one speaker lead to the positive (+) connection
of the left channel, and hook up the other speaker lead to the positive (+)
connection of the right channel.
WARNING! Some people say doing the above can cause damage to your
amplifier. Although I do not guarantee your system will suffer no damage
when doing this, I have never had such a problem doing this on many
different systems.
Now, put on your stereo recording. Use the BALANCE control of your stereo
amplifier to adjust the signals so that they cancel out the most of the
sound.
Using the above hookup, a third speaker can be used in conjunction with
your standard two speakers still connected in the normal manner to create
"surround-sound" for your home stereo, without having to buy any other
equipment.
*********************************************************************18.12
Enclosure: PRESS RELEASE
April 22, 1996
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT:
Mark Davis
212 757-3015
E-mail: davism@nis.net
LOCATE CARS FOR SALE ANYWHERE IN THE UNITED STATES.
NY Company Makes Searching for Cars on the Internet/WWW a Snap.
NEW YORK CITY, NY-April 14, 1996 -- A New York company has recently
introduced a system to eliminate the wasted time and frustration of
searching for a new or used cars. Mark Davis, Marketing Director of
Espresso Web Inc., announced the launch of Auto Outlet, a master index
which allows users to search FREE for NEW and USED vehicles that fit
their needs and budget.
Users can offer their car(s) for sale to an unlimited audience for
FREE. Now, users can post an 'Auto Callback' on a criteria and Auto
Outlet will notify them by e-mail once their criteria matches with the
newly entered Cars.
Auto Outlet has turned the tables... now the cars finds the buyer!
"It's a simple idea." Davis explains. "It evolved out of my own
frustration at trying to find a car listing on the Web that would meet
my specific requirements."
While "surfing the net" for cars, Davis discovered there were hundreds
of websites related to automobiles. Even after narrowing his search to
a specific state there were still many individual sites to look at.
With his personal frustration index rising, he began to go through
each one, site by site.
"This is impossible!" he concluded. "I want to look at cars, without
first digging through page after page of service hype. And, even when
I get to one car that seems to meet my needs, I have to switch from
site to site to see what else is available."
Davis was further frustrated by the fact that, should he want to see
"what's new" next week, he would have to repeat the entire process
over again. And while there were many cars listed, there was no way to
easily find and compare the cars of different brokers, or private
sellers. Each individual car listing he was interested in was
squirreled away in a separate site.
Thus, Davis set out to build a automobile search service that would
satisfy his "potential buyer" needs and, effectively, the needs of all
potential car buyers seeking to find interesting cars for sale on the
Internet. The result of his efforts is Auto Outlet, where from a
single website, auto buyers can search the entire Internet for cars
for sale in the United States that exactly match their specifications.
The auto search process begins by visiting the Auto Outlet website at
http://www.shoplet.com/auto, which is free to users. To locate a car,
the user fills out a short search template, identifying such things as
state, make, model, year and cost. The search engine then displays a
menu of automobiles meeting the user's specifications with contact
information. The user can further narrow the search to reduce the
number of selections displayed.
The automatic up-dating feature notifies buyers by E-mail whenever a
car meeting the on-file search requirements is added to the
system. The buyer is also automatically notified via e-mail whenever a
car listing that they have already reviewed has changed.
"We've got the appeal of the Sunday newspaper auto section" Davis
explains. "But, on the computer it's in full color, more detailed,
easier to use and a lot faster. Users will really like our exclusive
automatic up-dating, and the ability to search the entire Internet for
the car of your dreams."
# # #
See search index on-line at: http://www.shoplet.com/auto
*********************************************************************18.13
QUIZ: YOU MAY BE AN GEEK
Take this simple test and see if it could be true:
--------------------------------------------------
- If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
- If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
- If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
- If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than
hanging coats and taping ducts
- If you window shop at Radio Shack
- If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
- If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
- If you own "Official Star Trek" anything
- If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the
antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
- If you have never backed-up your hard drive
- If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
- If you have more toys than your kids
- If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
[ I'm ashamed to say that this currently is not possible for me. ]
- If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
- If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
- If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
- If you know what http:/ stands for
- If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
*********************************************************************18.14
Review and bitch session: Flirting with Disaster
As one of the UNSUBSCRIBED, and not by my choice, to the WU, I hesitate
to even send this in (call it warped loyalty, I guess), considering that
it's not my fault that that Rollerfeet person won't get off his lazy ass
and send me a WU. I don't even know if someone has reviewed this movie or
not. I even attempted several weeks ago to UNSUBSCRIBE to show my
dissatisfaction with the WU, but that didn't work because I had already
been taken off the mailing list! I guess having to actually email me one
manually would break the system or cause some third world country to go
into another depression although amazingly enough stavros was able to
send me several up to the week of 4/1. Hmmmm. Apparently blind carbon
copies that are sent to me don't get through. I'm sorry. I don't control
my email server. And they (the ones who do control the server) said that
everything works fine and the outsiders are doing something wrong. Well
geezzz! So here's the review even though you may have seen one already.
But hey - I wouldn't know.
[ Ok, let's think this through. Johnny Rollerfeet has been using ]
[ the internet for over 6 years. He's been publishing a 'zine for ]
[ at least three of those. (He refers to himself in third person, ]
[ which is an obvious sign of superiority.) What credentials do ]
[ the morons at harrahs.com have? I've got a great idea: Let's ]
[ cause more work for the individual by not fixing the automated ]
[ system, and let's tell that James-guy in Accounting that it's ]
[ not our fault! ]
[ ]
[ To any reader who is having problems getting the WU: I receive ]
[ a list of people who didn't get the WU, every week. In every ]
[ situation I can pinpoint where the problem is and I'll know how ]
[ to fix it. Give me your administrator's name and I'll tell them ]
[ what they can do to fix the problem. Since the mailing of the ]
[ WU is completely automatic, if your address is correct then the ]
[ fault is not the sender. ]
[ ]
[ Now, let's look at that review: ]
Acting is good and it's funny. Matinee. Snacks are optional.
[ Wow. :) I love you, James, let me know how I can help. ]