Sea Breeze in my clo-othes makes me crabby.
I spent the weekend with my parents in Corpus Christi, Texas. I guess
Austin has spoiled me rotten, because CC is not the place to live (...
a nice place to vistit, but...). A town full of ugly white trash, and
not a single decent cup of capuccino anywhere! The seafood was great
and nature is inspiring, but how hard can it be to make a capucinno?
Anyone who tells you they want to spend the rest of their life in a
cabana on the beach is insane. Spending the rest of your life with
sand in crevices you didn't think would hold sand (I mean my armpits,
you filth-mongers), never having dry low-salt clothes, and always
having tangled unmanagable hair is not a good thing.
I did enjoy the Texas State Aquarium. It's not Monterrey, but they
have great tanks, a bird sanctuary, and otters. If you're in the area
stop by and check it out.
*********************************************************************
[ I think this came from fried friend, tankboy@eden.com. ]
What looks like acid but sounds like techno? Philip Gaines
Baldwin, 20, of Rockwall, Texas, learned the answer to this
riddle the hard way. Last July, Baldwin was driving to see
his girlfriend in a nearby town when police stopped him for
speeeding. After a search of his car turned up a copy of
Plastikman's "Sheet One" album, he was arrested on charges
of possessing a controlled substance. The police were
displeased by the CD's perforated artwork, which is
designed to resemble a sheet of blotter acid. After more
than five days in jail, Baldwin was released on $5,000
bail, facing second-degree felony charges which carried a
maximum of more than 20 years in prison and $10,000 in
fines. Naturally, lab tests proved the CD booklet
contained no LSD and the charges were dropped. Richie
Hawtin, the brain behind Plastikman, was shoced to learn of
the arrest. "I've heard of people pretending the blotter
was real and selling it, and I know people who made it
real", he says, "so I guess it's ironic that he got picked
up and it wasn't."
*********************************************************************
[ A couple of weeks ago, I got to demo a new Microsoft product called ]
[ "Bob". It's basically a program manger for people who can't figure ]
[ out Windows. It you're that kind of person skip the next couple of ]
[ sections whilst I make fun of you. "Bob" is for complete drooling ]
[ clinicaly-proven morons. ]
[ from my buddy, Cliff <mbuna@eden.com> ]
MICROSOFT UNVEILS NEW JOE-BOB(tm) SOFTWARE
by Andrew Burke (ABurke@eworld.com)
REDMOND, Wash. -- April 10, 1995 -- Microsoft today announced the release
of Joe-Bob(tm), a new software package that the company hopes will open up
a huge untapped computer market. With the motto "The software for the rest
of y'all(tm)," Joe-Bob reaches out to the same demographic group that buys
4x4s, supports the gun lobby, and drinks Miller Lite.
"Computers have been commonly seen as for leftists and intellectuals,"
explains Microsoft spokesperson Willy Maclean, "but we've recently seen
people like Newt Gingrinch embracing new technology -- the time is right
for the rest of America to get wired!"
Instead of a desktop or office metaphor, Joe-Bob(tm) puts the user in a
garage. "Click on the Lynyrd Skynyrd tapes, and get a complete music
library in digital stereo. Click on the pinups, and get hooked up to the
Internet's hottest gifs," the promotional materials explain.
The package does not include a word processor or spreadsheet, but
does have software that keeps track of the football season, lists the best
roadhouses between Florida and Nevada, and can even order spareribs
and beer at the click of a mouse.
"This is righteous software, man," says beta-tester Billy Grugg. "It thinks
like I think." Brad Cunningham agrees: "I take it everywhere," he says,
pointing to a Pentium laptop racked under his 12-gauge in his pickup
truck. Microsoft is offering desktop users a special clip-on beer holder
for their monitors.
"Look at what's popular out there," says Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates.
"Four of the top-10 Usenet newsgroups are about sex, and splatter video
games like Doom and Mortal Kombat are bestsellers. We're just catering to a
demand, that's all."
Microsoft is reportedly distributing badges and bumper stickers saying
things like "Joe-Bob: Make Your Disk Hard," "Go Microsoft -- Go Intel -- Go
America," and "QuickTime is for Pinko Hippie Wimps."
Apple declined to comment.
*********************************************************************
[ From entertainment editor, sscivall@crl.com ]
Exerpt from May 1995 "New Media"
TOP TEN - "Microsoft BOB" animated Co-Hosts
---------------------------------------------
10. Microsoft Dave: Gap-toothed host blows up your spreadsheet and
switches networks when you're not looking.
9. Microsoft Newt: He randomly addresses you as "commie" or
"liberal," and your utilities are systematically deleted to
reduce the "memory deficit."
8. Microsoft Hillary: The first two years she micromanages every
detail of your workspace, then she disappears completely after
a new haircut.
7. Microsoft Homer: Everytime you make an error, he yells, "Doh!"
6. Microsoft Rikki: Your calendar and checkbook utilities are always
getting into shouting matches.
5. Microsoft Fabio: When you ask for online help, he shrugs his big
pecs and says, "Don't you worry your pretty little head about it."
4. Microsoft Dicky V: He's knowledgeable, but he hogs the screen,
gives applications silly nicknames, and constantly calls you
"ba-a-a-aby."
3. Microsoft Modonna: She rules your hard drive with an iron fist, the
screen savers come equipped with a panic button, and every six
months your interface changes completely.
2. Microsoft Barry: After running your computer for awhile, he tries to
buy it from you.
1. Microsoft Bill: The cute, bespectacled nerds warns you that if you don't
finish your presentation, you'll be lucky to get a job at Borland.
*********************************************************************
[ From foaf, spike@io.com, comes this slice of e-life of one ]
[ of his neighbors @io.com. (Is electronic voyeurism and ex- ]
[ hibitionism illegal?) WARNING: This is a long one. If you ]
[ thought _my_ .sig was a netiquette violation, this'll get ]
[ your goat. ]
Login: cgw Name: christopher williams
Directory: /usr/u/c/cgw Shell: /bin/tcsh
Office: In a pork sausage, 447-7866
On since Mon Apr 17 17:58 (CDT) on ttys0, idle 0:05, from yoyodyne
On since Mon Apr 17 17:58 (CDT) on ttys2, idle 0:15, from yoyodyne
On since Mon Apr 17 17:58 (CDT) on ttys7, idle 0:10, from yoyodyne
Plan:
everyone *knows* _I_ can't plan...
if you think *this* is silly, you should see my web pages:
<a href="http://www.io.com/~cgw">cgw's home page</a>
NOW! EVEN LONGER AND MORE ANNOYING! (9/19/93)
New! Ultra-long for that shower-fresh feeling! (12/13/93)
wow, look! i'm WWW'able!: http://www.kei.com/homepages/cgw.html (12/17/93)
10% More -- FREE! (2/2/94)
Brighter whites, colourful colours! And 5% longer! (3/8/94)
yes, it's true! i work for Illuminati Online now! (as of 6/20/94)
recycled all the leptons, upgraded the nuons to v.9.1.37 (4/1/95)
- -=- -
v1.0
GCS d-/* p-/-p+ c++ l++ m+/---/* s++/+ g+ w++ t+ r- x+/++
v1.0.1
GCS d(?/-/---)@ p(-p+) c++(++++) l++ u++/- e+ m+/---/* s++/+ n---(+) h(*) f+ g+ w++ t+@ r- y+/++/**
(i guess i'm not a Real Geek(tm), or i'd have a current Geek Code here, huh)
random quotes:
"Never let school interfere with an education." -- Mark Twain.
"Be regular and ordered in your life, that you may be
violent and original in your work." -- Clive Barker
"frogs and shit, shit and frogs.
nothing makes sense anymore.
i am going to eat some grapes."
-- ben@piglet.cr.usgs.gov
"Am I wearing boxer shorts? Yes, I think I am, so I can take my pants off,
if necessarry." -- Ben Madison, Fall '92
Perhaps alt.religion.kibo is a silly group, but it's a serious kind of silly.
-- dmarcher@acsu.buffalo.edu (Dave "Em" Archer)
"And me, I like to sit around, get high and watch TV." -- David Byrne
"I'm interested in knowing how the end statement explains 'it,' what
'it,' is, what would be a bad idea and why, and why you think a man
would ever actually buy me a bra anyway." -- Laura Burke
"Death is a nonmaskable interrupt." -- dmarcher
"Apparently you are under the impression as a whole that what I say has
something to do with what is real, or what might actually happen, or
what is occurring in this universe. Please remove this from your head."
"I have nothing to say and I am saying it..." - John Cage
"Only three things have ever astonished me: a dream within a dream,
voices in an empty room, and fire the color of ice" -- Silvina Ocampo
"All we are, basically, is monkeys with car keys." -- anon
"An ambience is defined as an atmosphere, or a surrounding influence:
a tint.... Ambient Music must be able to accomodate many levels of
listening attention without enforcing one in particular; it must be as
ignorable as it is interesting." Brian Eno, September 1978.
"They won't let us have sex toys at work."
-- Ben Madison, while working at Ericsson
We are the music-makers,
And we are the dreamers of dreams,
Wandering by lone sea breakers
And sitting by desolate streams;
World-losers and world-forsakers
On whom the pale moon gleams:
Yet we are the movers and shakers
Of the world forever, it seems.
-- Arthur O'Shaughnessy
"Amway is the last refuge of the incompetent."
From the Barney Coloring Book of Sebastian Short,
Little Known Second Cousin (Twice Removed) of Lazarus Long
-- ian parberry, super cool guy and hey, a professor (at unt.edu) too.
"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind; and therefore
is winged cupid painted blind." -- William Shakespeare
"I'm exploring the deepest frontiers of cyberspace."
"I'm surfing the digital ocean."
"I'm cruising down the information superhighway."
"No you're not, you're sitting on your butt behind a computer screen."
From 'This Modern World'
"Look on every exit as an entrance... somewhere else."
-- The Playmaster, Rosencrantz&Guildenstern Are Dead
"Is that what people want?" - Guildenstern
"It's what we _do_." -- The Playmaster
-- Rosencrantz&Guildenstern Are Dead
"You can tell a lunatic by the liberties he takes with common
sense, by his flashes of inspiration, and by the fact that
sooner or later he brings up the Templars."
Umberto Eco, Foucault's Pendulum
The people of the various provinces are strictly forbidden to have
in their possession any swords, bows, spears, firearms, or other
types of arms. The possession of these elements makes difficult
the collection of taxes and dues, and tends to permit uprising.
Therefore, the heads of provinces, official agents, and deputies
are ordered to collect all the weapons mentioned above and turn
them over to the government.
-- Toyotomi Hideyoshi, Shogun, August 29, 1558, Japan.
[more to come]
random quotes heard on irc:
<piglet3> I can't believe it's 8:45 on a friday night, and I'm sitting in my long underwear drinking beer and compiling emacs to the pixies.
<Leftist> Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
<Leftist> get a prompt, type like hell.
<rmtodd> Cocaine is the Lord's way of telling you you're making too goddamn much money.
<ed> "When you are able to snatch the regular expression from /dev/mem before
I flush it, then it will be time for you to leave, grasshopper."
<ben> bras should have like pull tabs on them.
<ed> You have to watch THX1138 a few times before it deadens your brain enough to comprehend it.
<Leftist> you're so aggressively a nerd, poxaV. I love you.
<poxaV> do Cheetos have even a smidgen of real cheese in them?
<poxaV> or are Cheetos like the SPAM of chips?
<_james> if you wash your hands 3 times with soap after sticking your fingers up an asshole, is it safe to eat food with them that day?
<maestro5> with the asshole or your fingers?
<_james> everyone has a right to a silly religious view
<laura> the FEDS are pink SHOES in the MIASMA of COTTON-CANDIED FIBERBLASS! Take my VIRGINITY, but DONT eat the PURPLE STRIPED DAISIES!
<noah> I like non-sequitors, because of the price of tea in china.
<phone> i have plenty of self-control.. as long as it doesn't involve me actually doing something
<noah> I can't believe you people don't like a perfectly good vegetable. Next you'll be telling me you don't like liverwurst either.
<christian> running grammar-checkers on ee cummings poems is the -most- fun you can have on a DOS box.
<dmarcher> buying CDs on the same day as poxaV is not much of a coincidence.
<poxaV> JaneGoodall.rice.edu
<poxaV> heh. they're monkeying around with the hostnames.
[Info] poxaV ba-dump-bumps
<Mycroft> No, I just did something stupid.
<rmtodd> Bleah. AIX is not your friend.
<piglet3> If I was at work, I'd press the monitor spasm button now
<piglet3> *bwwwuuuunnnnggngngngggg*
<R> I'm losing karmic inertia.
<piglet3> holy gc, batman, that was a long one.
[more to come]
Gratuitous Ascii Drawing of a Complex Molecule:
H H H H
\| |/
H-C--C O
\ //
N--C
/ \
H-C--C C--C C--C
/| |\ / \\ // \\
H H H H C C--C C
\ / \ /
N--C C==C
/ \ / |
H-C C--C |
/| \\ |
H H C--N
Gratuitous ASCII drawing of Colonel Sanders:
KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
KKKKKKKKKKKKFT"`~~~~~~~~~~~"TKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
KKKKKKKKKF~ ___aaaaoaaaaaa,. `~YKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
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Gratuitous ASCII drawing of "Bob":
----------------------------------------
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|@@@@@@^ ~^ @ @@ @ @ @ I ~^@@@@@@|
|@@@@@ ~ ~~ ~I @@@@@|
|@@@@' ' _,w@< @@@@|
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"July 5, 1998"
(to the tune of "The Green Beret")
Flying saucers from the sky,
Little green men, with one big eye,
Filled with SLACK, these gods of sex,
OverMen, from Planet X!
Silver spikes grow from each head,
Computer MWOWM, with lights glow red.
Smoke and stench shall smite the Pinks,
While "Bob" buys Subs a round of drinks!
Gratuitous BARPHic:
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"^~DIE/"
favorite songs
Stone Roses, 'I Wanna Be Adored'
i don't have, i don't have to sell my soul
she's already in me....
i don't need to sell my soul
she's already in me...
i wanna be adored
i wanna be adored
i don't have to sell my soul
she's already in me
i don't need to sell my soul
she's already in me
i wanna be adored
i wanna be adored
aaaaddooooooooorrreeeeeddddd
i wanna be adored
you adore me
you adore me
you adore me
i wanna i wanna i wanna be adored
i wanna i wanna i wanna be adored
i wanna i wanna i wanna be adored
i wanna i wanna i gotta be adored
i wanna be adored
Talking Heads, 'Once in a Lifetime'
And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself-Well...How did I get here?
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.
And you may ask yourself
How do I work this?
And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Water dissolving...and water removing
There is water at the bottom of the ocean
Carry the water at the bottom of the ocean
Remove the water at the bottom of the ocean!
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.
And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right?...Am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
MY GOD!...WHAT HAVE I DONE?
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Brave Combo, 'Do Something Different'
Don't believe anyone,
Don't read your mail.
Make light of everything you hear.
Turn off your radio,
Quit your job.
Do something different: disappear.
Do something different: disappear.
Think like a child,
laugh at cocaine.
Never, ever, ever do what's proper again.
Understand everyone
Crystal clear.
Do something different: disappear.
Do something different: disappear.
Reverse your morality,
Listen to bands
That play only music you can't stand.
Forget how to worry,
Enjoy your fears.
Stop your life insurance and disappear.
Stop your life insurance and disappear.
They Might Be Giants, 'Moving To The Sun'
while they were staring at the Citgo sign
is when they lost our trail
they thought we were part of a caravan
but we had other plans
you can't catch me
where i'm gunna fall
you can't catch me
where i'll hide
this world's too cold,
so i'm gunna roam,
i'm moving to the sun
93 miles times a million more
quite a trip we've planned
i must drive now carefully
and figure where we'll land
you can't catch me
where i'm gunna fall
you can't catch me
where i'll hide
this world's too cold,
so i'm gunna run
i'm moving to the sun
YAKKO'S UNIVERSE (M&L: Randy Rogel)
Everybody lives on a street in a city or a village or a town for what
it's worth
And they're all inside a country which is part of a continent that sits
upon a planet known as Earth.
And the Earth is a ball full of oceans and some mountains, which is out
there spinning silently in space
And living on that Earth are the plants and the animals and also the entire
human race.
It's a great big universe, and we're all really puny
We're just tiny little specks about the size of Mickey Rooney
It's big and black and inky
And we are small and dinky
It's a big universe and we're not
And we're part of a vast interplanetary system stretching seven hundred
billion miles long
With nine planets and a sun; we think the Earth's the only one that has
life on it, although we could be wrong.
Across the interstellar voids are a billion asteroids including meteors
and Halley's Comet too
And there's over fifty moons floating out there like balloons in a panoramic
trillion-mile view!
And still it's all a speck amid a hundred billion stars in a galaxy we call
the Milky Way
It's sixty thousand trillion miles from one end to the other, and still
that's just a fraction of the way
'Cause there's a hundred billion galaxies that stretch across the sky filled
with constellations, planets, moons and stars
And still the universe extends to a place that never ends, which is maybe
just inside a little jar!
It's a great big universe, and we're all really puny
We're just tiny little specks about the size of Mickey Rooney
Though we don't know how it got here
We're an important part here
It's a big universe and it's ours!
*********************************************************************
[ As the world gets smaller and smaller the puns fall like rain. ]
[ You can quote me on that. This comes from the soon-to-be "ball ]
[ and chained", Claudie Fanning <cfannin@emoryu1.cc.emory.edu>. ]
Originaly From: kevinh@eit.com (Kevin Hughes)
Subject: Try THIS in the mosh pit
Finally, a song for my generation! I apologize in advance;
this is what happens after too many fruit punch Snapples at night. :)
User
~~~~
(To the tune of Beck's "Loser")
In the day of sysop nerds I was a flunkie
Jolt in my brains and body feeling chunky
With the plastic mouse balls spray paint the Commodore
System install with the hard drive on the floor
Kill the process and put it in /dev/null
Email flaming with the user hitting D-control
Shell's called Reno and it's written in C
Got a couple of xterms, keys set to repeat
Root came sayin' I'm insane to complain
About an online wedding and a stain on my screen
Don't believe everything that you make(1)
You get a cracker from Europe and a login that's fake
So write your code in Perl in the dark
Saving all your hacks for working at a tech park
Yo - punch it
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Double dense floppy)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
Forces of evil in a MUD/MOO nightmare
Ban all the members in a phony #chat channel 'cause
One's got a handle and the other's got a .plan
One online spammed the other and ran
With the FTP and the insane print job
The daytime crap of the alt.test slob
He hung himself with a call to ping
Twenty milliseconds and it's spitting out another string
RTFM if you can't relate
Trade the Sun for a car and the Web for a date
And MIME is a nifty hack for mailing to a newbie
That's choking on my MPEGs
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Get crazy with the caps lock)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Drive-by BIFF post)
...
Yo, bring it on down
...
I'm a hacker, I'm a winner
Program's gonna work, I can feel it
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(I can't retrieve you)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(NULL)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Sprecken sie DOS, eh, baby)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Know what I'm typin'?)
-- Kevin
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Well, that's all there is to say! Write me, my birthday is Saturday!