juggling sheepishly.
***********************************************************************toc
[ Table of Contents ]
17.1 Shangri-La. -URL- (xiphoid@nicom.com)
17.2 Men... -humor- (cynsmith@utxsvs.utexas.edu)
17.3 Eternal questions. -humor- (cynsmith@utxsvs.utexas.edu)
17.4 Shotgun Rules. -humor- (cynsmith@utxsvs.utexas.edu)
17.5 Gaydar or Euro-Trash? -URL- (etrigan@eden.com)
17.6 Interactor. -review- (xiphoid@nicom.com/etrigan@eden.com)
17.7 Blind Date Fun. -joke- (etrigan@eden.com)
**********************************************************************17.1
This place doesn't seem quite right to me.
http://www.shangri-la.com/Shangri-La/Hotels/20/20Theme.html
[ What's your fondest Arabian dream? This may be the place for you. ]
[ Full-blown multi-person fantasies with realistic scenery, costumes, ]
[ and cast... Many other things are implied, but who knows? ]
**********************************************************************17.2
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
How can you tell that soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why don't men have mid-life crises?
The stay stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors and don't work half the
time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until the next
time.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Men will screw anything!
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know, it's never happened.
**********************************************************************17.3
- After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out
of the water?
- How can there be self-help "groups"?
- If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
- If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his "hands" with soap?
- If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he
automatically lose because he can't find himself?
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
- Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they
still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in
their stomach?
- When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket
signs?
- When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
thrown away?
- When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder
why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
- Why do they report power outages on TV?
- Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers
aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
**********************************************************************17.4
The Shotgun Rules
version 1.1
The rules listed below apply to the calling of Shotgun (the passenger
seat) in an automobile. These rules are definitive and binding.
Section I
The Basic Rules
1. In order to call Shotgun, the caller must pronounce the word "Shotgun"
in a clear voice. This call must be heard and acknowledged by the
driver. The other occupants of the vehicle need not hear the call as
long as the driver verifies the call.
2. Shotgun may only be called if all occupants of the vehicle are outside
and on the way to said vehicle.
3. Early calls are strictly prohibited. Shotgun may only be called while
walking toward the vehicle and only applies to the drive immediantly
forthcoming. Shotgun can never be called while inside a vehicle or
still technically on the way to the first location. For example, one
can not get out of a vehicle and call Shotgun for the return journey.
4. The driver has final say in all ties and disputes. The driver has the
right to suspend or remove all shotgun priviledges from one or more
persons.
Section II
Special Cases
These special exceptions to the rules above should be considered in the
order presented; the case listed first will take precendence over any
of the cases beneath it, when applicable.
1. In the instance that the normal driver of a vehicle is drunk or
otherwise unable to perform their duties as driver, then he/she is
automatically given Shotgun.
2. If the instance that the person who actually owns the vehicle is not
driving, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they
decline.
3. In the instance the the driver's spouse, lover, partner, or hired
prostitute for the evening is going to accompany the group, he/she is
automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline.
4. In the instance that one of the passengers may become so ill during
the course of the journey that the other occupants feel he/she will
toss their cookies, then the ill person should be given Shotgun to
make appropriate use of the window.
5. In the instance that only one person knows how to get to a given
location and this person is not the driver, then as the designated
navigator for the group they automatically get Shotgun, unless they
decline.
6. In the instance that one of the occupants is too wide or tall to fit
comfortably in the back seat, then the driver may show mercy and award
Shotgun to the genetic misfit. Alternatively, the driver and other
passengers may continually taunt the poor fellow as they make a three
hour trip with him crammed in the back.
Section III
*The Survival of the Fitess Rules *
1. If the driver so wishes, he/she may institute the Survival of the
Fitess Rules on the process of calling Shotgun. In this case all
rules, excepting I-4, are suspended and the passenger seat is
occupied by whoever can take it by force.
2. The driver must announce the institution of the Survival of the
Fitess Rules with reasonable warning to all passengers.
This clause reduces the amount of blood lost by passengers and
the damage done to the vehicle.
Please follow the above rules to the best of your ability. If
there are any arguments or execptions not covered in these rules,
please refer to rule I-4.
**********************************************************************17.5
www.cyborganic.com/Hothouse/Perennials/Blair/blair3/gaydar/gaydar.html
Do you have GayDar? Can you tell the difference between a Gay man
and those worrisome European fops? Now's your chance to find out
if you have Gaydar, the ability to identify Gay people. Take a
look at the URL and see how you do.
**********************************************************************17.6
[ One of the recent editions of Suck (http://www.suck.com/dynasuck ]
[ /96/04/23/) discusses what the purchasing style of today is. ]
[ Apparently, the new hip thing is to buy unique items to show how ]
[ much you dislike mass production. Well, the sucksters are some- ]
[ how behind the curve on this one. It's a common habit among the ]
[ geeketti to purchase obscure or interesting technology items so ]
[ that they can differentiate themselves from their peers. This ]
[ behaviour has been around as long as the words "geek" and "tech- ]
[ nology" have been used in the same context. For me it all began ]
[ with the Atrai 2600 when the 16-bit Nintendo was out. I moved ]
[ on to the TI99/4A and ancient radar detectors. ]
[ ]
[ Regular WU contributor xiphoid@nicom.com, better know as kMc, is ]
[ probably the one person who has supported my habit the most. ]
[ After contributing an OMNI 2000 to my collection (an ANCIENT ]
[ home video game machine that came out between Pong and the 2600; ]
[ you would have found it if you were always hanging out at Ser- ]
[ vice Merchandise in the mid to late 70's.) ]
[ ]
[ kMc recently lead me to a new find in the Sale bin at Kay-Bee ]
[ Toys. (Better rush fast, 'cause this one ain't gonna last.) ]
[ Regularly selling for $79.99, the Interactor is currently on ]
[ sale for only $19.95. This is a bargain. ]
[ ]
[ "What is it and why would I want one since I'm not nearly as ]
[ much of a geek as you, Johnny Rollerfeet, or the inemitable ]
[ kMc?", you ask. because it's cool. Here's an excerpt from a ]
[ past issue of the WU (http://www.eden.com/~etrigan/back_issues/ ]
[ wu_11_21_94.html), a review from when the Interactor came first ]
[ out, and the real answer to your question. ]
>From the 11/21/94 issuse of the WU: "...For those not familiar with
the Interactor, the commercial shows a young boy sitting down to a
static filled TV screen and plugging this black plastic vest into his
video game via the audio out jack. Then he starts hallucinating
really hard (those peaks are almost impossible to breathe in) and the
video game is all over the room. Of course what really happens is a
G'd-up style woofer is embedded in the back of the jacket and the
lower register noises are amplified into your chest cavity. It's
actually very cool..."
>From http://www.wco.com/~3d5d1wsw/gsezine/GS.WorldView/aura.html
New Product Review - The Interactor
By Charles T. 'Dr. Tom' Turley
Aura's Interactor: *****/*****
Introducing...
Aura's Interactor
Until now, there were only three standard ways to experience sound
with the Apple IIGS; mono or stereo and psychoacoustic. But, suppose
you could extend all three with physioacoustics , to feel the action
of sound from your Apple IIGS, combined with what you're hearing.
Well, take it from somebody that's been using it for several weeks now
with astounding results and it's an amazing experience to behold!
Aura Systems Inc. furnished me with their two new physioacoustic sound
systems; 'The Interactor Cushion' and 'The Interactor Vest' - for my
evaluation and review, using both with my Apple IIGS. Both; vest or
cushion systems are equally impressive in their physioacoustic effects
and abilities.
The Interactor is the 'one-of-a-kind' virtual reality vest and/or
cushion, that adds a new and vivid dimension of physioacoustics - by
allowing you to feel the sound output from your Apple IIGS, as well
as hear it. Imagine with your IIGS games, feeling and hearing the roar
of a jet engine, the bounce of a basketball hitting the hardwood, the
lightning jabs and kicks of a martial arts warrior...or the spine-
tingling excitement of laser blasts hitting your spacecraft.
Just imagine, what an astounding dimensional enhancement you'd have
with your IIGS, a stereo card, sound output to your stereo system,
speakers and/or headphones, plus the Interactor, listening to your
favorite music or playing your favorite game. You can feel all of the
sounds and hear them. The soundscapes are presented with such realism,
it's as if you were in the actual music environment and performance
or within the games themselves.
The Interactor works by "listening" to any sound system's audio
output, triggering an Aura Magnetic actuator within the cushion or
vest core, which in turn creates body-pulsing vibrations keyed to the
IIGS' ensoniq DOC sound outputs and synchronized to the video on-
screen action. Controls allow the output to be fine-tuned from a
feather touch to intense pounding. And, they even have an option
switch that provides a way to suppress the music or audio from games,
if desired. Used with my SoundMeister stereo card and stereo system,
'The Interactor' is the ultimate virtual audio experience, really making
me realize what the 'S' in the Apple IIGS is all about!
Not just limited to audio with your computer, the Interactor system
also works with standard TV, VCR, and CDs, adding the same vivid and
virtual reality and physioacoustic sensations of feeling to these audio
environments and activities as well.
[ That last bit is the part to pay attention to. You can hook ]
[ the damn thing up to any audio device you own and have it ]
[ pound your spine to jelly. Belive me when I tell you that ]
[ only the truly brave will feed Nine Inch Nail's "Wish" into ]
[ their Interactor. ]
**********************************************************************17.7
50 WAYS TO GET RID OF A BLIND DATE
(or fun things to do in a fancy restaurant)
1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give
the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who
reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant,
and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your
high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what
they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms
outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in
fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins
talking about himself/herself.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18. Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their
plate than they do.
19. Drool.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray
crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the
crumb, put it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed
in front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/
hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the
restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you,
ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the bathroom?!"
23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing
the subject up periodically throughout the meal.
26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
28. Refuse to communicate in anything but mime for the entire evening.
29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows,
where you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your
back to the wall. Act nervous.
30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's.
31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets as well as salt and pepper
shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e. anything that isn't
bolted down.
33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
35. Auction your date off for silverware.
36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
37. Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the
potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you
"never got". When the waiter returns with another potato, have the
first one back on your plate. Watch the waiter's face.
38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape,
and use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.
40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
41. Speak in Pig Latin throughout the meal.
42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the
table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the
chairs. Tell your date, with a straight face, "They need to air
out."
43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu.
Take one bite, pretend like the food is disgusting and say "Boy,
did you get ripped off!"
44. Bring 20 or so candles into the restaurant. During the meal get
up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking
them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot
cheaper than actually feeding her.
46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
47. Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces. In a
similar manner, insist that he take a bite of everything to make
sure no one has poisoned your food.
48. Accuse your date of espionage. Pretend like you have a secret
microphone hidden on your body and you are talking the CIA.
49. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
50. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
51. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
Okay, so I can't count...