you know my name.
***********************************************************************toc
14.1 more URLs! -URL- (membryk@madison.vislab.com)
14.2 Your Mom. -URL/zine- (membryk@madison.vislab.com)
14.3 Grave site. -URL- (stavros@eden.com)
14.4 La. info. -URL- (stavros@eden.com)
14.5 EoD. -humor- (knauss@netcom.com)
14.6 Tabloid. -URL- (membryk@madison.vislab.com)
14.7 Work Excuses. -humor- (stavros@eden.com)
14.8 The Lucky Frog. -joke- (mjankows@beta.centenary.edu)
14.9 Fargo. -review- (VOORHEES@ALPHA.NSULA.EDU)
14.10 Grocery store murders. -humor- (stavros@eden.com)
14.11 Be a kid again. -humor- (Roseylocks@aol.com)
14.12 A Family Thing. -review- (etrigan@eden.com)
14.13 Beatles-Anthology 2. -review- (etrigan@eden.com)
**********************************************************************14.1
http://www.rucc.net.au/neteffect/funky/
[ The latest (and hippest?) "web site review" web site, Funky Mama ]
[ is a bit much IMHO. It's kind of cute, and the reviews are solid ]
[ but the funky big lip motiff is laid on pretty thick. ]
http://www.thedawn.com
[ What does Prince expect text 'zines (like the one you're reading ]
[ now) to do when we're supposed to present that silly hermaphro- ]
[ ditic symbol that is now his name? Anyway, "The Dawn" is home to ]
[ the purple funkmeister's web store. Any Prince consumables you ]
[ simply can't live without: funny symbol earrings, funny symbol ]
[ hats or t-shirts are available for purchase... ]
http://www.teleport.com/~rupaul/
[ A good URL to follow the Prince URL. If you need any advice, or ]
[ supplies to help you in cross dressing (including inspirational ]
[ music from the Queen of cross-dressers, RuPaul himself) here is ]
[ where to look. ]
http://www.teleport.com/~dstroy/froglnd.shtml
[ Do you like frogs? Apparently dstroy@teleport.com does. She has ]
[ all kind of info and you can even download a Windows 95 animated ]
[ frog cursor! I'd say she needs a hobby, but who am I to talk?... ]
**********************************************************************14.2
http://exclamation.com/yourmom/index.html
[ One of the first full web-zines. Your Mom is a humor/story based ]
[ zine that has no set schedule. Nothing on Your Mom's site is IMO ]
[ original, but some of the articles can be interesting. ]
**********************************************************************14.3
You know the WWW has reached a peak when...
Noteworthy Gravesites
http://www.orci.com/personal/jim/index.html
**********************************************************************14.4
For those folks who _truly_ miss the old home - Louisiana, land of
good food - this is the place for you. At a glance: the look & feel is
mediocre, but content is great. For instance, how about a list of all
the major events happening for the month of March ?
http://www.state.la.us/
**********************************************************************14.5
[ I really should let Greg Knauss release his own stuff, but some- ]
[ times I can't pass up sending one of his pieces to those of you ]
[ lame enough not to be on his mailing list. ]
An Entirely Other Day (Flashback #3)
So it's 1991 and I'm twenty-three and I'm suffering through the final
lecture of what is undoubtedly the single worst class I've ever taken
in my life. It's been a long, slow, senseless quarter and the
professor has seen fit to top it off with a long, slow, senseless
lecture.
"Just try listening, for a change," my TA told me before the
class. "Just sit up front and try listening."
And so I'm trying. Gritting my teeth and trying.
The professor, Ramon Gutierez, hates me. He doesn't actually
know me, but he hates me on principle, since I'm white and male and
heterosexual. He's spent ten weeks carefully explaining how much he
hates me and how I -- me, personally, to hear him tell it -- am
responsible for all the suffering, everywhere.
Mr. Gutierez is ostensibly teaching us about the culture of the
Chicanos, from Mexico to the American West. What he is in fact doing
is venting his personal political vendettas all over the podium. The
only innocents, near as I can tell, are infant lesbian Chicanas.
It's about half an hour into a fifty minute lecture and I've
been listening. Oh, have I been listening.
"...and so, I would think, it should be perfectly obvious that
the domination -- the continued domination -- of the Chicano people is
a crime largely perpetrated by European invaders, almost entirely male.
Indeed, this domination is so prevalent, the emphasis on male power so
completely ingrained in your society, that even the most powerful
weapons mirror it. Phallo-centrism appears even in the design of
nuclear bombs."
And there's a pause. I'm about ten rows back, buried in a room
filled with four hundred people. So I shout.
"That's ridiculous!"
The professor looks up from his notes, at me -- he's got good
ears, I'll give him that. He tilts his head forward a bit, looking
over his glasses, and says, "Well, then, why _are_ they shaped that
way?"
I take a deep breath.
"It's a question of aerodynamics. You build a missile in the
shape of a vagina, and it just. Won't. Fly."
Mr. Gutierez lowers his head back to his notes, clears his
throat and continues.
Afterwards, my TA comes up to me and says, "Never mind."
I end up with a C minus.
[ Now get off your lame ass and: To subscribe, send mail to ]
[ eod-request@pip.macuser.ziff.com with the word "subscribe" ]
[ as your subject. ]
**********************************************************************14.6
Subject: http://www.tikipub.com/tabloid/tabloid.cgi
[ It's amazing the many uses for the web. This site will generate ]
[ random Tabloid stories. Some of them are quite funny, but more ]
[ often than not, they're just silly, as in: ]
150-pound Woman Weds World's Skinniest Man: 'The loving has
never been better!'
MOSCOW -- No one on hand imagined what Margot Lee was up to December 19
when she collected her wood and began threatening people with a machete.
Doctors say the 13-year old will need extensive reconstruction to repair
the damage.
**********************************************************************14.7
From the Sunday, April 14, 1994, edition of the Washington Post -- a
contest was held in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to
miss a day of work.
* If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The
voices told me to clean all the guns today.
* When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my
Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
* I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was
able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source
exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog
on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or
early.
* My stigmata's acting up.
* I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my
previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
* I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we
have that deadline to meet...
* I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
* Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help
you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
* Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
* I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't
come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false
information.
* The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me
this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
* The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
* My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track
her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal
peace. One day should do it.
* I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
* I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
* I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my
house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for
helicopter transportation.
* I prefer to remain an enigma.
**********************************************************************14.8
Okay John and Shaw, remember this excuse for whenever it might be needed.
A golfer was standing in the fairway, about 140 yards out, when a frog
whispered from the rough, "Use an 8-iron." The golfer, deep in concen-
tration, pulled out his 8-iron and hit the shot. It rolled right into
the cup for an eagle. "Now take me to Vegas," said the frog.
"What?!"said the startled golfer, suddenly realizing it was a talking
frog.
"You heard me," repeated the frog, "Take me to Vegas. I'm obviously a
lucky frog, and we'll make a bundle!!!" So the golfer picked up the frog
and they flew to Vegas. In the casino, the frog whispered, "Go to the
dice table and bet everything on the pass line." The shooter rolled a
seven, and the man with the frog won $100,000. The the guy took the frog
upstairs to his room and the frog said, "Kiss me." When he did, it turned
into the most beautiful girl you've ever seen- deep brown eyes, blond
hair, beautiful smile and 16 years old.
And I swear, Your Honor, that's how she got in my room."
[ Oh, great, doc. This is only a few days too late. I've been ]
[ moved out of maximum security since the 16 year old finally ]
[ admitted to drugging me before tying me up, and they've let ]
[ me use a computer every Monday since they know how good the ]
[ WU is to my psyche... ]
[ ]
[ Oh, come on people, it _is_ April 1. ]
**********************************************************************14.9
Well, I've been silently scoping the wu for a couple of months now, and I
figured the time had come to submit... an opinion!
[ God, no opinions please...ok, go ahead. ]
I am a self-proclaimed fanatic of the Coen Brothers, the dynamic duo that
has brought the world Blood Simple, Raising Arizona, Miller's Crossing,
Barton Fink and The Hudsucker Proxy. Needless to say, the instant that
their latest venture, Fargo, hit a Burlington, VT cinema, I was there,
Jack.
Bliss. Sheer bliss. On a subliminal level, i was starting to lose a bit
of faith after Proxy. Sure, it's entertaining, but... well, something's
missing somewhere. As it happened, i had nothing to worry about. My
heros had not peaked early. Fargo is an amazing piece of film, and
completely unlike any I have seen before, including those by the Coens.
You know those Woody Allen movies where NYC is definitely a character?
Well, you are never for a second allowed to forget that the events in
Fargo take place in the Twin Cities area, and it is fuckin' COLD out
there. Huge vistas of white, with a road taking up the bottom 1/30th
of the screen, and a TINY car making it's way the length of it.
Fantastic.
What a study in contrasts! This true story revolves around a pathetic
car salesman and his attempts to take advantage of his wife's rich father
without actually ASKING for money. He hires two thugs (one played by
Steve Buscemi, his most prominent role in a Coen film to date) to kidnap
his wife, promising to split the ransom. But things go horribly wrong
along the way, much blood is spilled, and there will be hell to pay.
The investigating officer, played by Frances McDormand, is 7 months
pregnant, and has certainly lived in these parts all he life. She's
like Columbo to the 10th power, showing amazing deductive skill
simultaneously with down-to-earth Minnesota charm. Indeed, one of the
best aspects of this film is its delight in the contrast between the
desperate criminals (obviously out-of-towners) and the peculiar politeness
and unusual speech cadences of the natives. If you are already a fan of
the Coens, don't expect much of their trademark frenzied camerawork.
Those kinetic shots only happen once or twice in the film. If you had to
pick a previous work to compare Fargo with, it would have to be the Coens
first film, Blood Simple. Murder on an intimate scale. But this time,
the Coens have more than a decade's worth of work under their belts, and
it doesn't look like they're showing any sign of decline.
In a nutshell: Seeit. See it now. Then see it again.
John Voorhees
voorhees@alpha.nsula.edu
[ I have to say one thing about this movie: it's violent. If you ]
[ are expecting Raising Arizona, don't. It's worth Matinee, but ]
[ be prepared for the heavy Tarantino influence (albeit not quite ]
[ as gartuitous as Quentin.) ]
*********************************************************************14.10
Pillsbury Dough Boy Wanted for Attempted Murder
A lady named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and
while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman
sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently
sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman,
her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked
very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?"
The woman answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my
brains in." Linda didn't know what to do, so she ran into the store,
where store officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the
car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the
woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in
the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in
the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough
and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then
attempted to hold her brains in.
[ A new addition to the list of Urban Myths. How long will it be ]
[ before this story happened in Tennessee, or Alabama, or in your ]
[ home state, and then home town? ]
*********************************************************************14.11
Be a kid again...
1) Give yourself a gold star for everything you do today.
2) Dot all your "i"'s with smiley faces
3) Sing into your hairbrush
4) Grow a milk mustache
5) Smile back at the man in the moon
6) Read the funnies Throw the rest of the paper away
7) Dunk your cookies
8) Ask somebody if their refrigerator is running
9) Play a game where you make up the rules as you go along
10) Order with eyes that are bigger than your stomach
12) Pretend your bread rolls are tap dancing
13) Step carefully over sidewalk cracks
14) Change into some play clothes
15) Try to get someone to trade you a better sandwich
16) Have a staring contest with your cat
17) Eat ice cream for breakfast
18) Kiss a frog just in case
19) Give someone a "Hug-around-the-neck"
20) Blow the wrapper off a straw
21) Refuse to eat crusts
22) Make a face the next time somebody tells you "no"
23) Watch TV in your pajamas
24) Eat all the marshmallows out of your 'Lucky Charms'...by color!
25) Ask "Why?" a lot *OR WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?*
26) Make graham-cracker-and-frosting sandwiches
27) Believe in fairy tales
28) Have someone read you a story
29) Eat dessert first
30) Wear your favorite shirt with your favorite pants even if they don't
match
31) Sneak some frosting off a cake
32) Refuse to back down in a "did vs. did-not argument"
33) Do a cartwheel
34) Get someone to buy you something you don't really need
35) Hide your vegetables under your napkin
36) Stay up past your bedtime
37) Whatever you're doing, stop once in a while for recess
38) Wear red gym shoes
39) Make a "slurpy" sound with your straw when you get to the bottom of
a milkshake *OR BLOW BUBBLES AT THE TOP OF YOUR MILK*
40) Sit really still for as long as the dog/cat is asleep in your lap
41) Put way too much sugar on your cereal
42) Play a song you like really loud, over and over
43) Blow bubbles
44) Let the string all the way out on your kite
45) Stick your head out the car window and moo if you see a cow
46) Walk barefoot in wet grass
47) Giggle at nude statues in a museum
48) Make cool screeching noises every time you turn a corner
49) Count the colors in a rainbow
50) Fuss a little, then take a nap
51) Take a running jump over a big puddle
52) Eat dinner at the coffee table
53) Giggle a lot for no real reason
54) Make a clover chain for someone you really "like-like"
55) Stir ice-cream flavors together
56) Do the tap-someone-on-the-shoulder-while-you-stand-on-their-opposite
side-and-they-turn-around-and-no-one's-there thing
57) Enjoy your all-time favorite candy-bar
58) Go to the zoo
59) Say "duh" when stuff is obvious
60) Throw something and when it lands make a cool exploding bomb noise
61) Put an orange slice in your mouth, peel side out, and smile at people
62) Try to eat all the chocolate off a peanut butter cup
67) Squish some mud between your toes
68) Stay up late watching scary movies
69) Buy yourself a helium balloon
70) Ride a roller coaster two times in a row
71) Sing the "I see London, I see France" song to someone wearing
low-slung pants
72) Eat peanut butter straight out of the jar with PRETZELS
73) When your gum starts losing its flavor, spit it out and get a new
piece or take someone-elses
74) Write your sweetie's initials in a chalk heart on the sidewalk
75) Wave to the engineer
76) Make a smiley face with your bacon and eggs
77) Run through the sprinkler with all your clothes on
78) Lick all the ice cream out of an ice cream sandwich before you eat
the sandwich part
79) Look down as you walk and hope to find money
80) Catch lightning bugs in a jar and make a lantern, then kill them all
81) Practice whistling through your teeth
82) Eat cereal any ol' time of the day you feel like it
83) Yell out "opposite day!" then tell someone they're really smart
84) Wear a bubble gum machine ring
85) Watch a lot of TV and don't feel guilty about it
86) Skip a stone across a pond
87) Make somebody laugh just when they start to drink something
88) Eat just the chocolate stripe out of your Neapolitan ice cream
90) Start thinking now about what you want for your next birthday
91) Sing to yourself all day
92) Talk to your invisible friend
93) Play with your younger siblings toys
94) Stick your hand in the fish bowl, try to catch one...
95) Draw a gang of "stick-figure" persons, and call it your family!!!
96) Color in your favorite coloring book with your really cool box of 144
crayons with the neato crayon sharpener
98) Finger-paint and make a really big mess
100) Get the giggles and laugh until it hurts
101) Ask someone if they like "see-food"
102) Stick your tongue out and sing "nah, nah, nah, nah, nah" to those
jerks
103) Get up early just to watch Saturday morning cartoons.
104) Find some Matchbox cars and have a race -- you push both cars
105) Try to style Barbie's hair some way that actually looks nice
107) Play hide and seek
108) Skip
109) Ask someone to guess what?, CHICKEN BUTT.
110) Play your Atari
111) Play Tag (TV or freeze)
112) Build a FORT out of blankets
113) Play in the rain...barefoot
114) Play with a spirograph
115) Get the kids meal just for the toy
116) Open the cereal box and dig through it just for the toy
*********************************************************************14.12
Review: A Family Thing.
I've come to a sudden realization about Woody Allen movies because of
this movie. I don't dislike Wood Allen movies, but I've never really
felt that I 'got it'. Now, I understand.
Teo (my roomie), my good friend Tim, and I saw Robert Duvall and James
Earl Jones' new film "A Family Thing" and had differing opinions. Teo
and I thought it was a great movie, but Tim was luke warm. It didn't
take me long to realise that as a Yankee (VT/NY) Tim didn't have much
of a basis for the relationships and character types that are depicted.
To me they were very realistic to the point of being a part of my view
of normal life. What Tim feels must be the same thing I feel with
Woody Allen.
Siskel and Ebert gave the film "two thumbs up", but said the premise
was implausible, but I disagree. Southern people will recognize that
it was entirely possible even if they won't admit it.
This, also, lets me speak up again about the rise of Southern Culture
in movies and TV that I'm so happy about. This movie (much like Dead
Man Walking, but happier) is a dead-on portrayal, even to the point
that I "believe" I recognized some of the scenery, when in fact it's
possible that it just _seemed_ familiar.
Rating: Full Price with a date.
*********************************************************************14.13
Review: Anthology 2 - The Beatles.
This section of the much publicized Beatles Anthology starts during what
I consider the Beatles birth as composers. It is a wonderful insight
into the incredible talent of the Fab Four. With "alternative" versions
of so many Beatles classics I am in awe over the possibilities that were
not included on the original albums. This is a must purchase for anyone
who even mildly likes the Beatles.