indigo nite light.
A weekend spent frolicing in Theaters and running off to Dallas was
spoiled when I called the tow truck to come get my car today. My
misfortune in vehicular matters seems to intensify, but I refuse to
let an inanimate object (which seems strangely capable of knowing
exactly when I would actually be able to even out my debts and uses
that knowledge to inflict expensive damage on itself) get me down.
Now, you get down to this week's WU and you'll be smiling in no time.
***********************************************************************toc
[ Table of Contents ]
16.1 Redneck. -joke- (Sandi_Haines@ccmail.us.dell.com)
16.2 SpotLicks. -URL- (etrigan@eden.com)
16.3 PI. -URL- (etrigan@eden.com)
16.4 Email=Penis. -humor- (membryk@madison.vislab.com)
16.5 And more... -URLs- (membryk@madison.vislab.com)
16.6 Movie. -review- (etrigan@eden.com)
16.7 !(CDA). -news- (stavros@eden.com)
16.8 !(Dr. Seuss). -humor- (stavros@eden.com)
16.9 Modern Barbie. -humor- (Sandi_Haines@ccmail.us.dell.com)
16.10 Dogs <?> Men. -humor- (tankboy@eden.com)
16.11 KITH. -URLs/review- (xiphoid@nicom.com/etrigan@eden.com)
16.12 Father knows best. -joke- (Larry_York@ccmail.us.dell.com)
16.13 Statues. -joke- (anonymous)
16.14 Headlines. -news- (etrigan@eden.com)
16.15 Magnet. -Alumni URL- (etrigan@eden.com)
**********************************************************************16.1
Two rednecks who wanted to get a job at a computer company 'way up
North decided they'd better get a college education. They enrolled
in the local junior college, and Randy went in to see his advisor,
who said, "Randy, I want you to take history, math, and logic."
"What's logic?" asked Randy.
"Well," said the professor, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a
weed-eater?" "Why, yes, I do," replied Randy. "OK," continued the
professor, "logic tells me that you have a yard!"
"Amazing," said Randy.
"And," continued the professor, "since you have a yard, logic tells
me that you have a house."
"I do! I do!" exclaimed the boy.
"And," continued the professor, "if you have a house, you probably
have a wife. And, since you have a wife, I conclude that you are a
heterosexual."
"Gaaaa-lee!" said Randy. "That logic is sump'n else!"
He goes outside, and his friend, Buck, asks him what classes he's
going to take. "I'm gonna take history, math, and logic."
Buck: "What's logic?"
"OK," says Randy, "I'll give you an example: Do you own a weed-eater?"
Buck: "Uh, no"
Randy: "You're QUEER, ain'tcha?"
**********************************************************************16.2
http://www.suck.com/suckreviews/95/09/18/spotlicks.html
One of the most farcical (and therefore laughable) spots on the web
is "The Spot". Since I'm not a big soap opera fan, anyway, maybe I
just don't understand the appeal of the "dra-ma" that goes on there.
I did find one useful thing, though, thanks to those ever clever
sucksters (http://www.suck.com). The URL above is an index to the
hormone enflaming pictures of one of the well-endowed members living
at "The Spot". As the makers of BayWatch are want to say (or so we
would believe): "If you can't write a good story, show some skin!"
**********************************************************************16.3
And this week's "Useless, but Strangely Enthralling Website" goes
to:
http://www.Facade.COM/Fun/amiinpi/?042970
Enter your Birthday (or any number for that matter) and the good
folks at Facade will find it in PI...yes, that's all there is.
(For those of you who love me dearly enough to lick a stamp in the
next week or two, PAY CLOSE ATTENTION!) Here's what I got when I
put in MY BIRTHDATE:
Am I in Pi?
Where is your Birthday in PI?
Checking 1254543 digits of PI.
I found 042970 starting at this location in PI: 266010.
There ya go. woo. hoo.
**********************************************************************16.4
11 REASONS WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS:
--------------------------------------
1.Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be
devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't
have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They
are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's an nifty toy,
but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make
about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try
it.
2.It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it
hard to get any real work done.
3.In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit
information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some
people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but
most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
4.Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some
people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to
do.
5.It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take
this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark.
Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with
until it's too late.
6.If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can
spread viruses.
7.It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it
too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think
coherently.
8.We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual
size and influence warrant.
9.If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big
trouble.
10.It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your
intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself
"why on earth did I do that?"
11.It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it
will do the same dumb things it did before.
**********************************************************************16.5
http://www.teleport.com/~jstar/
[ A home page for the nervous and paranoid, here's a direct quote: ]
[ "...The Federal Emergency Management Agency helps you prepare ]
[ for the following events now that the cold war is over : ]
[ Earthquake Flood and Flash Flood Hurricanes Extreme ]
[ heat Landslides and Mudflows Thunderstorms and Lightning ]
[ Tornadoes Tsunamis Volcanoes Wildland ( Forest) Fires ]
[ Winter Driving..." ]
[ (and we all know how perilous driving can be...) ]
http://www-psych.nmsu.edu/~linda/greeneggs/gepage1.htm
[ Frenetic Industries brings us Seurfing with Seuss. The above ]
[ URL will take you through Green Eggs and Ham with several links ]
[ that relate to the words they attach from...not that you (or I) ]
[ will neccesarily understand the links, but some of them will ]
[ certainly make you chuckle. ]
http://www.webb.com/grinch/story1.html
[ A hypertext version of "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" with ]
[ links from the sound track. (Background music as you read!) ]
**********************************************************************16.6
Review: James and the Giant Peach
"James and the Giant Peach" is a very famous children's story that
I somehow never read. It makes for a great children's movie, but
adults (or even grown-up children) won't find as much to laugh at
in this film as they did in "The Nightmare Before Christmas". Still,
it has an entertaining storyline and great animation (and a surprise
guest appearance!) Rating: Matinee
**********************************************************************16.7
We, the people, in order to form a more perfect union, need to MAKE
SOME NOISE! To those interested in effectively fighting Internet
censorship with a louder voice - MagNetiX has developed a new system
for online activism, the Let's Make Some Noise! campaign. Select your
state, your representative in the US House, write your own letter in
the textarea or hit submit to use ours. Simple, slick, all automatic,
takes only a minute. See URL:http://www.magnetix.com/.
LET'S MAKE SOME NOISE!
**********************************************************************16.8
DR. SEUSS' LESSER-KNOWN BOOKS
1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Are You My Proctologist?
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Feels a Ho
6. The Lemon-Fresh Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
12. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
13. The Bitch Set Me Up
14. I've Fallen---And I Can't Get Up!
15. Yentl the Lentil
16. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
17. Aunts in My Pants
18. Hop On Mom
19. Oh, the Place You'll Scratch and Sniff!
20. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
21. The Grinch's Ten Inches
**********************************************************************16.9
Barbies For The 90's
New Barbie dolls to represent the diversity of women in the 90's:
- DIVORCED BARBIE (comes with all of Ken's accessories)
- TEENAGE SINGLE PARENT BARBIE ("welfare check" from Mattel mailed
each month)
- CRACK ADDICT BARBIE (pipe included, sugar may be used to simulate
crack cocaine)
- BOULEVARD BARBIE (with cheap makeup, short skirt, and high heels)
- LESBIAN BARBIE (Barbie with a butch)
- LIPSTICK LESBIAN BARBIE (actually no different in appearance from
regular Barbie)
- BULIMOREXIA BARBIE (also no different in appearance from regular
Barbie)
- BRUNETTE BARBIE (the only Barbie with a brain)
- QUANTUM PHYSICIST BARBIE (yeah, right)
- BOW-WOW BARBIE (the ugliest Barbie you've ever seen)
- PUNK BARBIE (has rings in all sorts of strange places)
- NAVY PILOT BARBIE (comes with a body bag, wrecked fighter jet sold
separately)
- BREAST IMPLANT BARBIE (now Barbie's a D-cup)
- CANCER PATIENT BARBIE (remove the wig and Barbie's bald)
- FEMINIST BARBIE (has unshaved legs and armpits)
- BATTERED WIFE BARBIE (comes with a restraining order to serve to Ken)
- BARBIE BOBBIT (with knife, Ken had better watch out)
- BARBIE BROWN SIMPSON (slashed neck and bloody body, carton of Ben
& Jerry's Cookie Dough included)
- BAG LADY BARBIE (Complete with shopping cart; wearing everything she
owns.)
*********************************************************************16.10
Why Dogs Are Better Than Men
- Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. Dogs miss
you when you're gone.
- You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you. Dogs feel
guilt when they've done something wrong.
- Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
- Dogs don't criticize your friends. (most of the time) Dogs admit when
they're jealous.
- Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
- Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never
laugh at how you throw).
- Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know
the most important thing is that you're together.
- Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence. No dog ever voted to
confirm Clarence Thomas. You can train a dog.
- Dogs are easy to buy for.
- Dogs are generally good with kids.
- Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies. You are never
suspicious of your dog's dreams. Gorgeous dogs don't know they're
gorgeous.
- The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK.
- The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but
there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to
you.)
- Dogs understand what no means.
- Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization. Dogs don't
make a practice of killing their own species. Dogs understand if some
of their friends cannot come inside. Dogs do not read at the table.
- Dogs think you are a culinary genius. You can house train a dog.
- You can force a dog to take a bath.
- Dogs don't correct your stories.
- Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger
owner.
- Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair. Dogs aren't
threatened by two women with short hair. Dogs don't mind if you do all
the driving.
- Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake. Dogs admit it when they're
lost.
- Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff. Dogs look at your
eyes.
- Dogs like your size.
- Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs. Dogs take care of their
own needs.
- Dogs are color blind.
- Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do. Dogs mean it
when they kiss you.
- Dogs are nice to your relatives.
- Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.
How Dogs and Men Are the Same
- Both take up too much space on the bed.
- Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. Both are threatened
by their own kind.
- Both like to chew wood.
- Both mark their territory.
- Both are bad at asking you questions. Neither tells you what's
bothering them. Both tend to smell riper with age.
- The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
- Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches. Neither
does any dishes.
- Both fart shamelessly.
- Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. Both like dominance
games.
- Both are suspicious of the postman.
- Neither knows how to talk on the telephone. Neither understands what
you see in cats.
Why Men Are Better Than Dogs
- Men only have two feet that track in mud. Men can buy you presents.
- Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them
around the block.
- Men are a little bit more subtle.
- Men don't eat cat turds on the sly.
- Men open their own cans.
- Dogs have dog breath all the time.
- Men can do math stuff.
- Holiday Inns accept men.
*********************************************************************16.11
On the subject of "the Kids in the Hall":
http://www.scottland.com/
Scott Thompson's site. I'm way impressed with this one, though I
haven't dug in much. You can register as a citizen of Scottland, and
join one of four political parties, each led by a different Scott
character.
http://www.thebig.com/braincandy/
Brain Candy site, haven't looked yet.
[ Neither have I, but it gives me a good excuse for: ]
[ Review: The Kids in the Hall - Brain Candy ]
[ ]
[ I'll start with the rating. Kid's in the Hall Fans: Full Price ]
[ Others: Matinee. All of your favorite KitH characters show up! ]
[ This is the first in what I hope will be many movies from the ]
[ Kids. Just as Monty Puthon split up, yet still made several ]
[ great movies together, this film could lead to great things. ]
*********************************************************************16.12
[ Disclaimer: This is not funny...ok, it's funny, but certainly ]
[ not true and if you're politically sensitive just move on - do ]
[ not read the damn thing! ]
There was a little boy that came home from school one day and told
his mother that he had heard two new words today and wanted to know
what they meant; bitch and pussy. His mother, after recovering from
her shock, told him that bitch was a reference to a female dog, and
pussy was in reference to a cat. The boy didn't think that was the
context that he had heard these two words in, so he decided to go to
a higher authority for an answer, his father. He found his dad in his
chair drinking a beer and reading a playboy. He told his dad that he
had heard two new words at school and wanted to know the meaning of
them; bitch and pussy, and he told his dad what his mother had told
him. His dad said that was not quite right and opened to the centerfold
in the magazine. He circled the hairy triangle between the woman's
legs and pointed to the picture and said, "what's in the circle is
pussy, and what's out of the circle is bitch."
*********************************************************************16.13
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each
other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them,
"That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you
both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you
want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the
statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the
bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter,
and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues
emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at
them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male
statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down
and I'll crap on it's head."
*********************************************************************16.14
Where, oh where will Johnny Rollerfeet get filler material for future
Weekend Updates that are too short? Easy, from James Van Booven's
joke page (which is 3000 lines long) http://www.vanbooven.com/jokes.html
Here's the first of many from it:
NEWS HEADLINES
These came from the columnist Bill Mandel of the San Francisco Examiner.
They are his collection of favorite headlines of 1992.
The 1982 National Father's Day Association's Father of the Year went to
jail for failing to pay child support.
Joseph Hazelwood, captain of the ill-fated oil tanker Exxon Valdez, was
hired by New York Maritime College to teach students how to stand watch
on a tanker's bridge.
New York City authorities wired more than 200 bushes in a public park
with burglar alarms.
A young couple trading oral sex on a British train continued their frolic
when a family entered the compartment and sat down. Then the amorous pair
performed "full sexual intercourse" in front of passengers who boarded
latter. It wasn't until the lovers lit up post-coital cigarettes that
witnesses admonished them and rang for the conductor.
Scientists found that watching television sitting up burns 15 percent
fewer calories than simply lying in bed.
A color-bar test pattern on a Los Angeles television drew higher ratings
than two competing stations' 10 p.m. newscasts.
A San Francisco man walked through a plate-glass storefront trying to
board the cable car he saw reflected in the shiny window.
Sonoma County viewers who'd paid $30 to see a Madison Square Garden
tribute to Bob Dylan on cable TV had their Dylanfest interrupted by 90
minutes of soft-core porn. Only one complained.
A San Francisco man dressed as Mickey Mouse on Halloween was beaten on
the street by a man who threatened to kill the would-be rodent "if I
catch you dressed up like Mickey again."
[who said Californian's were strange?]
A government worker in the Philippines who is a hermaphrodite (both male
and female sex organs), became pregnant but was denied maternity leave
because he's legally a man.
Man of God and serious Republican presidential aspirant Pat Robertson
said the Equal Rights Amendment "encourages women to leave their
husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism
and become lesbians."
Speaking of the federal deficit, U.S. Senator Dennis DeConcini said:
"We're going to wrassle to the ground this gigantic orgasm that is
out of control." [yes, that is the actual spelling]
San Francisco police served a jaywalking ticket on a comatose man
hospitalized in an intensive care unit. An investigation revealed the
man, not the motorist who hit him, was at fault in the accident.
One of the men arrested for looting in the L.A. riots is a $3 million
Lotto winner who receives $120,000 a year from the state.
A woman in Royal Oak, Mich., was arrested, handcuffed, and jailed for
putting her garbage cans out too early.
A lawyer defended himself against charges of microwaving his ex-
girlfriend's kitten by saying he'd put the cat in the oven to keep
it out of his way.
A Los Angeles man on trial for harassing ice skater Katarina Witt
demanded a jury of nymphomaniacs, atheists and agnostics to compose
"a jury of his peers."
A Pennsylvania judge resigned after promising leniency to a defendant
if he could shampoo the man's hair.
A Florida wedding reception was interrupted when the bride threw
macaroni salad at the groom and he responded with gunfire.
An off-duty Oklahoma city police officer ran from the stands at a high
school basketball game and arrested an official who, the cop claimed,
was not calling enough fouls against the visiting team.
[and, not to be outdone for team spirit]
Mississippi State football coach Jackie Sherrill defended the castration
of a bull in front of his football team (which was about to play the
Texas Longhorns) as "motivational and educational."
A Chicago high school teacher punished truants by making them listen to
Frank Sinatra records.
The CIA classified as "secret" the report of its Openness Task Force.
Investigators probing Sears auto repair departments found that several
cars taken in for brake repair came out with no brakes at all.
*********************************************************************16.15
Some of my readers are also high school alumni, so I'll use my last few
lines to send them to: http://www.kermit.com/magnet.html. Send Don your
e-mail address (and World Wide Web Page)!