speaker for the bread.
I was let down by my premier columnist this week, so you'll have to drudge
through _my_ reviews of the new "4-alarm" Sauce at Taco Bell, and Block-
buster's version of the modern arcade: "Block Party". Submissions have
been kind of slow, but I've acquired a HUGE back log of jokes, so don't
you fret: You'll be able to waste plenty of time this week reading the
WU!
***********************************************************************toc
[ Table of Contents ]
10.1 Marriage . -humor- (ggibson@aztec.astate.edu)
10.2 Southern Speak! -humor- (billjank@mindport.net)
10.3 kMc's Kitchen Pantry. -food- (etrigan@eden.com)
10.4 My son. -joke- (???)
10.5 Jump. -racist joke!- (mjankows@beta.centenary.edu)
10.6 Block Party. -review- (etrigan@eden.com)
10.7 Operating. -joke- (Sandi_Haines@ccmail.us.dell.com)
10.8 Application. -joke- (ggibson@aztec.astate.edu)
10.9 S.H.I.T. -joke- (ggibson@aztec.astate.edu)
10.10 Plugin info. -URL- (kmembry@greenmtns.com)
**********************************************************************10.1
[ Being one of the last of my high school crew to not be "emotionally ]
[ attached" to another human, I find the prospect of marriage scary. ]
[ I can chuckle at a few of these, but the rest of them I take very ]
[ seriously. ]
W E D D I N G A N D M A R R I A G E H U M O R
---------------------------------------------------
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife
to his success. - Jim Backus
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That
must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again.
- Noel Coward, 1956
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the
house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.
- Lisa Hoffman
She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before
she finds one. - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's
fiancee
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter
stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
- Jackie Mason
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in,
and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If
you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good
thing for any man. - Socrates
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
- Mae West
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and
suffering.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence, Life Sentence!!.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when
they try to decide which one.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage,
the 'Y' becomes silent.
Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry
someone that you cannot live without.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word
you say, talk in your sleep.
**********************************************************************10.2
[ Since I've never been drunk while writing the WU, you haven't had ]
[ the pleasure of me exposing (letting slip) my heritage. To make ]
[ up for it though, here's this piece which could be sub-titled ]
[ "Drunk Johnny Rollerfeet Speak". ]
How to Speak Southern
=======================
by Steve Mitchell
and Sam C. Rawls (Scrawls)
Ah: The thing you see with, and the personal pronoun used
denoting individuality. "Ah think Ah've got somethin' in mah
ah."
Ast: To interrogate or inquire, as when a revenue agent seeks
information about illegal moonshine stills. "Don't ast me so
many question. I makes me mad."
Attair: Contradiction used to indicate the specific item desire.
"Pass me attair gravy, please"
Awl: An amber fluid used to lubricate engines. "Ah like attair
car, but it sure does take a lot of awl."
Bawl: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit. "That gal
cain't even bawl water without burnin' it."
Bleeve: Expression of intent or faith. "Ah bleeve we ought to go
to church this Sunday."
Cent: Plural of cent. "You paid five dollars for that necktie?
Ah wouldn't give fiddy cent for it."
Co-cola: The soft drink that started in Atlanta and conquered the
world. "Ah hear they even sell Co-cola in Russia."
Cyst: To render aid. "Can Ah cyst you with those packages,
ma'am."
Dayum: A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind."
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a dayum."
Everwhichways: To be scattered in all directions. "You should
have been there when the train hit attair chicken truck. Them
chickens flew everwhichways.
Far: A state of combustion that produces heat and light. "Ah
reckon it's about time to put out the far and call in the dawgs."
Flares: The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant. "If yo
wife's mad at ya, it's smart to take her some flares."
Good ole boy: Any Southern male between age 16 and 60 who has an
amiable disposition and is fond of boon companions, strong drink,
hound dawgs, fishin', huntin', and good lookin' women, but not
necessarily in that order. " Bubba's a good ole boy."
Griyuts: What no Southern breakfast would be without - grits. "Ah
like griyuts with butter and sawt on'em, but Ah purely love'em
with red-eye gravy."
Hale: Where General Sherman is going for what he did to Etlanna.
(Atlanta) "General Sherman said "War is Hale" and he made sure it
was."
Hep: to aid or benefit. "Ah can't hep it if Ah'm still in love
with you."
Idinit: Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying
Ain't. "Mighty hot today, idinit?"
Jew: Did you. "Jew want to buy attair comic book, son, or just
stand there and read it here?"
Kumpny: Guests. "Be home on time. We's havin' kumpny for
supper."
Law: Police, or as Southerners pronounce it, PO-leece. "We
better get outta here. That bartender's doen called the law."
Likker: Whiskey; either the amber kind bought in stores or the
homemade white kind that federal authorities frown upon." Does he
drink? Listen, he spills more likker than most people drink.'
Mash: To press, as in the case of an elevator button. "Want me
to mash yo floor for you, Ma'am?"
Muchablige: Thank you. "muchablige for the lift, mister."
Nawthun: Anything that is not Southern. "He is a classic product
of the superior Nawthun educational system." (sarcasm)
Ovair: In that direction. 'Where's yo paw, son?" He's ovair,
suh."
Phraisin: Very cold. "Shut that door. It's phraisin in here."
Plum: Completely. "Ah'm plum wore out."
Retch: To grasp for. "The right feilder retch over into the
stands and caught the ball."
Saar: The opposite of sweet. "These pickles Sure are saar."
Shovelay: A GM car. "Nobody could drive a Shovelay like Junior
Johnson."
Sinner: Exact middle of. "Have you been to the new shoppin'
sinner."
Sugar: A kiss. "Come here and give me some sugar."
Tarred: Fatigued. "Ah'm too tarred to go bowlin' nonight."
Tar Arns: A tool employed in changing wheels. "You cain't change
a tar without a tar arn."
Uhmurkin: Someone who lives int he United States of Uhmurka.
"Thomas Jefferson was a great Uhmurkin."
War: Metal strands attached to posts to enclose domestic animals.
"Be careful and don't get stuck on that bob war."
Whup: To beat or to strike. "OOOEEE!!! Yer mama's gonna whup you
fer sayin' a cuss word."
Yankee shot: A Southern child's navel. "Momma, what's this on
mah belly?" "That's yo Yankee Shot."
Zat: Is that. "Zat yo dawg?"
**********************************************************************10.3
Review: 4-alarm taco.
I am reluctant to discuss the new offering from Taco Bell, but as I
ponder the situation and try to determine the "wrongness" in the 4
Alarm Double Decker Tacos (4ADDT) and the 4 Alarm Double Decker Taco
Supremes (4ADDTS), I realize the problem isn't with the substance but
rather the marketing.
The 4ADDT and 4ADDTS are actually very tasty (even though the only
difference from a DDT or DDTS is the sauce) and I would reccommend
them to anyone with the acquired tastes for Taco Bell. Where I feel
I was wronged, is the ads.
After the video shots of Shaq on fire and the blazoned emblems of
blinding red and yellow logos for the 4ADDT/S, I was expecting true
Cajun or Tex-Mex 4-alarm. Instead I got a nice cream sauce with just
a hint of cayenne. Feh. If that's 4-alarm, then the water must be
400 alarm. If you want hot get the Wild Sauce.
**********************************************************************10.4
[ Screw me! Once again I electronically misplaced the name of who ]
[ sent me this joke. I thought about leaving it out altogether, ]
[ but it's just too damn good. ]
These four men go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is
detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their
children while walking to the first tee. "My son," says one, "has
made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began
as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm.
He's so successful, in fact, in the last year he was able to give a
good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
"He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend
two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage
firm. And in the last few weeks had given a good friend a large
stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they
have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned
out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and
I've just recently discovered that he's a practicing homosexual.
But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his
last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and
a big pile of stock certificates."
**********************************************************************10.5
[ I wonder about the PC'ness of putting in racist jokes like this, ]
[ but then I figure as long as the joke's about me in some way it ]
[ can't be considered too harmful. ]
A Mexican, an Irishman, and a Pollack escape a burning building by
climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket
for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Mexican, "Jump! Jump!
It's your only chance to survive!" The Mexican jumps and SWISH! The
firemen yank the blanket away...the Mexican slams into the sidewalk like
a tomato. "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the
Irishman.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Irishman.
"No! It's the Mexicans we can't stand! We're OK with the Irish!"
"OK." says the Irishman, and he jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the
blanket away, and the guy is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Pollack steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen
yell "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Pollack.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the Pollack says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that
you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put
the blanket down, and back away from it..."
**********************************************************************10.6
Review: Block Party.
In select cities around the country (USA), you will find what Blockbuster
Entertainment hopes will become the adult version of Chuck E. Cheese.
I guess that the since the original Chuck E crowd is entering adulthood,
they figure it'll be a good cash cow.
At the entrance you purchase a semi-indurable card that keeps up with
your cash electronically (and there are convenient locations around the
building where you can add more cash, if the need arises) and it also
keeps up with !TA-DAH! your tickets. At no point are you running from
one end to the other using one hand to keep you quarters from jingling
out of your pocket and the other hand to keep a single stray ticket from
falling to the floor thereby allowing someone else to buy that mongrammed
Whoppee Cushion you so badly need.
There are several sections to Block Party: an arcade ("Flippers"), an
adult-sized play room - McDonald's play-land style, a grill/bar, a dimlit
meeting room(?) with a big-screen TV, and a Go-Motion theater. Every
place in Block Party works off your card. The arcade games have readers
that suck in the card (and your money), and even the ticket style at
the Go-motion uses the card for entry.
The biggest highlight is the play room with adult sized tunnels from
floor to ceiling, a ballroom, twisty slides, and cool rooms hidden in
the maze. Very cool!
All in all, it was a nice place to waste time, but only as an escape for
boredom. The games were over-priced, and the prizes at Dave & Buster's
(Dallas, Houston, elsewhere) are much cooler...and you can drink while
you play at Dave & Busters 'cause it's 21 & up ONLY, while Block Party
allows 18 & Under with gaurdians.
**********************************************************************10.7
[ I usually leave Sandi's name off her submissions, but I figured ]
[ since her divorce is final, she doesn't have to worry about re- ]
[ crimination from lawyers, anymore. ]
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.
You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second one said, "I think librarians are easiest to operate on. You
open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third one said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up
and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless,
spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable."
**********************************************************************10.8
[ A lot of people get laughs out of this one, but it really isn't far ]
[ from the truth...just ask stavros@eden.com -- he graduated from co- ]
[ llege in Alabama, when we figured no-one would even sell him a degree. ]
STATE OF ALABAMA
RESIDENCY APPLICATION
Name: ________________, (_) Billy-Bob
(last) (_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)
Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No - If no, please explain:__________________________
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable
Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
(_)Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
**********************************************************************10.9
[ Of course, if you think Alabama's bad, here's how they treat you ]
[ in a rural Arkansas college. ]
Memo to all students.
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well
taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING
(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than
anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the
course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at
the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled
at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Students who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail
to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to
EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers
took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do
S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job
teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING
LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and
consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL
OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course
emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF
TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
a.k.a: The Head Educator,
Special High Intensity Teaching (T.H.E. S.H.I.T.)
*********************************************************************10.10
[ And last, but most important: If you're a user of Netscape 2.0, ]
[ you'll need to keep this site bookmarked. It'll keep you informed ]
[ of all the great add-ons that make Netscape the best browser yet. ]
http://www.browserwatch.com/