Like a prune - short, sweet, and effective...
A few submissions that have been waiting in the tubes, collecting dust
are below. I won't tell you about my weekend since I'd rather not spend
any time in a Mexican prison...
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[from mbuna@eden.com, which originaly was from: ]
[ from the journal of the American Academy of Forensic Scientists ]
Suicide, Accident, or Homicide?
For those of you who were unable to attend the Awards Dinner during the
Annual Meeting in San Diego, you missed a tall tale on complex forensics
presented by AAFS President Don Harper Mills in his opening remarks. The
following is a recount of Dr. Mills' story...
"On March 23 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a gunshot wound of the head caused by a
shotgun. Investigation to that point had revealed that the decedent had
jumped from the top of a ten story building with the intent to commit
suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he passed the 9th
floor on the way down, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through
a window, killing him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was
aware that a safety net had been erected at the 8th floor level to protect
some window washers and that the decedent would not have been able to
complete his intent to commit suicide because of this.
Ordinarily, a person who starts into motion the events with a suicide
intent ultimately commits suicide even though the mechanism might be not
what he intended. That he was shot on the way to certain death nine
stories below probably would not change his mode of death from suicide to
homicide. But the fact that his suicide intent would not have been
achieved under any circumstance caused the medical examiner to feel that
he had homicide on his hands.
Further investigation led to the discovery that the room on the 9th floor
from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and
his wife. He was threatening her with the shotgun because of an
interspousal spat and became so upset that he could not hold the shotgun
straight. Therefore, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his
wife and the pellets went through the window striking the decedent.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt,
one is guilty of the murder of subject B. The elderly man was confronted
with this conclusion, but both he and his wife were adamant in stating that
neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. It was the longtime habit of
the old man to threaten his wife with an unloaded shotgun. He had no
intent to murder her; therefore, the killing of the decedent appeared then
to be accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
But *further* investigation turned up a witness that their son was seen
loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal accident.
That investigation showed that the mother (the elderly lady) had cut off her
son's financial support and her son, knowing the propensity of his father
to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that
the father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on
the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Further investigation revealed that the son became increasingly despondent
over the failure of his attempt to get his mother murdered. This led him
to jump off the ten story building on March 23, only to be killed by a
shotgun blast through a 9th story window.
The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."
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[ From Curt "Tank Gorrilla" Gloyer: ]
OK I DIDN'T SEND THIS TO YOU.
THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY MAN WOULD EVER SAY
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Her tits are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody.
4. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping
and I can hold your purse.
2. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask
directions.
THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY:
10. Could our relationship be more Physical? I'm tired of
just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to
douche that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the
armpit are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to
swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
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[ From the ever-forgetul mbuna@eden.com: Elephants Never Forget ]
I heard this one from a co-worker - he claims to have been wandering
the earth many years, searching for someone who appreciates this joke.
----------
One day an explorer is out in the jungle. As he wanders along, he
comes upon an elephant, crying with pain, a large thorn lodged in its
foot.
Feeling sorry for the elephant, the man carefully pulls out the
thorn. The elephant looks at him gratefully, then limps off into the
jungle.
Many years later, the same man vists a circus, and sits in the front
row. The elephant acts come on, but one of the elephants keeps
looking over at the explorer. Eventually, the elephant breaks free,
runs over to him... then picks the man up with his trunk, dashes
him to the ground, and tramples him to death with his mighty feet.
Why did the elephant do this? {answer is way below}
It wasn't the same elephant.