night train
***********************************************************************toc
13.1 The return of juha! -URL- (Kelly.McCollum@chronicle.com)
13.2 The french way!. -joke- (mjankows@beta.centenary.edu)
13.3 Dennis Miller schtick. -commentary- (brucetl@BIOMED.MED.YALE.EDU)
13.4 Toasters. -humor- (spike@io.com)
13.5 The Best Chain Letter. -humor- (cynsmith@utxsvs.cc.utexas.edu)
13.6 Sights with Sounds. -URL- (stavros@eden.com)
13.7 ill, clit-ring & owe! gore. -URLs- (kmembry@greenmtns.com)
13.8 ..and more. -URLs- (membryk@madison.vislab.com)
13.9 I'm glad I'm a hermaphrodite. -poetry- (ggibson@aztec.astate.edu)
13.10 Rollin' with the Ewoks. -URL/list- (Kelly.McCollum@chronicle.com)
13.11 TB Brain Teasers. -humor- (stavros@eden.com)
13.12 Mr T lives. -URL- (Kelly.McCollum@chronicle.com)
13.13 CD-ROM Outlet. -URL- (ellison@ingress.com)
13.14 Undress, now. -joke- (betc@eden.com)
13.15 Crumb. -review- (roseylocks@aol.com/MMChampion@aol.com)
**********************************************************************13.1
http://www.helsinki.fi/~terho/index.html
To those who haven't seen, this is the greatest Web page of all time.
Recently updated!
[ Yes, this has got to be one of the greatest Web pages in ]
[ the so-far brief history of Web pages. Don't miss this 1. ]
**********************************************************************13.2
Just thought you might need some nice tasteless humor
doc
[ Thanks, doc. The kind of day I'm having I could use it. ]
Pierre, a french fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a
pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day and
love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre,
kiss me!".
So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.
"Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red
meat I like to have red wine!"
His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up.
So she says : "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts
pouring it all over her tits.
"Pierre, what are you doing?"
"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat
I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear, "Pierre,
kiss me lower."
Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles
it all over her bush. He grabs a match and lights it on fire.
Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING!!!?"
"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go
down in flames!"
**********************************************************************13.3
Dennis Miller Live March 8
Rant on "Immigration"
Copyright 1996 Happy Family Productions
. . . Republican presidential candidate Alan Keyes was arrested this week
after trying to join a debate in an Atlanta TV station. He said that as a
black man, he was outraged but as a Republican, he hopes the police will
keep doing the good work. Nice PR for the Republicans--let's arrest the
black candidate, especially in the touchy times we live. You know, this
country is ethnically subdividing faster than the uranium-235 atoms in Fat
Man and Little Boy. Our pleasantly bubbling societal jumbalya has boiled
over into a provincial brew of suspicion, intolerance, and plain old not
niceness. Now, I'm not saying life has to be a fucking Coke commercial
but it would be great if I could tell a Polish joke once in a while
without a horde of them descending on my house and unscrewing all my
fucking lightbulbs.
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but when did the contents of
our melting pot go from creamy to super chunk? You know, if you're gonna
insist on telling me it's natural for all people of all races and
ethnicities to get along, well, you're living in a fantasy world full of
elves and fairies. And, incidentally, elves and fairies didn't get along
either. They hate each other. Elves refer to fairies as "flying
Tinkerbell Nancy boys" and fairies call elves "rainbow-humping suckpots".
You know, really, it should be a constant source of amazement that our
country does work on a daily basis and doesn't simply burst into 100
million separate fist fights. So, step out of the Hands Across America
line and realize the brutal truth; that human beings always have and
always will actively look for people to not get along with. And, this is
true even within groups--Northern Californians don't get along with
Southern Californians, Irish Catholics don't get along with Irish
Protestants, circus clowns fight with birthday party clowns.
Begrudging someone else's existence just happens to be the most convenient
way to validate our own and nowhere are these ego-driven prairie
skirmishes more prevalent than the Tigris and Euphrates of
immigration--good old America. Now listen, I'm all for legal immigration
but I am unequivocally against illegal immigration. You know why? IT'S
ILLEGAL! Where is it written that you can la-di-da across the border at 9
a.m. and get your teeth capped for free that afternoon? Fucking
Canadians!
In addition to immigration, our country also plays host to the United
Nations, where the American taxpayer gladly foots the bill for the sons of
foreign leaders to escape date rape charges through diplomatic immunity.
I must admit when people from other countries do abuse our largess, I just
want to hire a welder to go up to the Statue of Liberty and turn that
welcoming torch into a giant middle finger. So, I guess I am a little
possessive about this great big lug of a country that I call my own but
just a little possessive. And, I'm not gonna play "pin the blame on the
immigrants" for all our country's problems. As a matter of fact, I
believe America, much like Keith Richards, thrives on new blood.
Foreigners do not come to this country and take our jobs. Face it, you
don't want to be a busboy or a maid or the roadside Linus Pauling hawking
citrus on the traffic island or working the overnight shift at the Unocal
station breathing gasoline fumes in a booth that's so small it makes the
tiger cage in "The Deer Hunter" look like San Simian. These people are
doing jobs that you would never dream of doing so get off the immigrants.
Truth be told, if you check everybody's family tree you'd see that
everybody in this nation is an immigrant except the Indians. I'm sorry,
they're not called Indians anymore. They're called casino-owner
Americans.
We are all imported goods, it's just that from day one, people who came
here by boat looked down on the people who came here by foot. Why so
judgmental, comrade? Well, America's tribal mentality seems to be made up
of equal parts of self-loathing and mistrust of others. Not surprising
when you consider that most of us are only a generation or two removed
from ancestors who escaped religious and political persecution to find
themselves fighting their way up from being the designated bottom feeders
in the New World coy pond of opportunity but now it's gotten silly. Now,
we are all isolated and pissed off little cul-de-sacs of paranoia,
guarding our precious wedge of pie from the foreign nibble so jealously
that we have lost our ability to enjoy it.
Bottom line, America is a polyglot, bastardized culture. It's been
settled by wave after wave of immigrants who assimilated and became part
of the establishment so that they could one day look down their noses at
the next wave of immigrants. Therein lies the paradox of this great land
of ours--freedom of beliefs also means freedom to make fun of the 7-11
guy's sandals. But poking fun is one thing and exclusionary
discrimination another. If we're not gonna walk the walk, it's time to
take down Lady Liberty, which, by the way, was a gift from the stinky
French, and replace her with the doorman from the Roxbury. Remember,
xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high stakes
Scrabble.
On the other side of the coin, be it the rupee, the drachma, the peso,
bakshis or wampum, the favor of inclusion deserves the courtesy of
assimilation. Make the effort. It's poor party manners to come to live
in this country and then have a hissyfit because the parking signs aren't
posted in Homong. Don't get uptight because your college is teaching
courses on Emerson and Thoreau instead of 17th Century Javanese goat herd
poets, and don't take your kid out of school because his third grade
classmate colored Easter eggs but didn't conduct any Druid rituals.
You're in America now so open your closet door and start hanging up your
pants and shirts.
Yeah, this country's founding fathers are a bunch of dead, rich, white men
but they did set things up so you could come and sit at the table so don't
piss in the finger bowls. In return for unfettered economic opportunity
and no government death squads, try to get along with your stepmotherland
and don't be resentful if there's a set of house rules already in place.
Go with the flow, pay your taxes, speak the language, garlic is NOT a
cologne and, for Christ's sake, LEFT LANE FAST, RIGHT LANE SLOW.
Of course, that's my opinion, I could be wrong!...
**********************************************************************13.4
Are you in the market for a new toaster?
If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be
submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide
market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a
toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have
to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence
requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to
power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would
claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or
dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your
other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate
Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the
good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years
earlier.
If Xerox made toasters...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided.
Successive slices would get lighter and lighter.
The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about
it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If University of Waterloo made toasters...
They would immediately spin off a company called WatToast.
If ParcPlace made toasters...
Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.
If Oracle made toasters...
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles
of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine
was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years
away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Sun made toasters...
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa
Java.
Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast
and gives you regular bread.
If Tandem made toasters...
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned
the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.
If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the
same time.
If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other
single-slice toaster in the world.
If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every
morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service
department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints
for the box would be highly classified government documents.
The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could
access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of
national security.
If Sony made toasters...
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of
bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your
belt.
If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that
take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters...
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to
toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of
your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.
If CostCo made toasters...
They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.
**********************************************************************13.5
[ If only we could believe this. If only it were true... Do I ]
[ get extra, extra good fortune for forwarding to 90+ people? ]
***THIS IS THE WORLD'S FINAL CHAIN LETTER***
You have been sent a blessing. Those who have followed the instruc-
tions on this letter have received good fortune, as you will. The rewards
of this letter supercede the promises of all other letters you may have
received. This is the final chainletter you will ever send. It's in-
structions are simple, to recieve the fortune that has graced those who
have received this before you follow these steps.
*The grace that re-creates
1. Make nine unaltered copies of this note, and send each copy to a
friend or stranger within nine days of recieving this. This completed,
you will have recieved not only luck and positive karma, but you have been
PERMANENTLY released from the obligation to send another chain-letter.
* The snake that eats its own tail.
2. Never heed another chain-letter. By sending this letter you have
already incured the fortune promised by all future letters you will re-
ceive. Ignore or destroy all future chainletters that you come in contact
with. To send another chain-letter is to break the gift givin you by this
letter. If you have already received and sent this letter, and you are
recieving it again, destroy this copy. This letter will circle the globe,
freeing its recipients from the need to send future chainletters, and,
its task completed, will eventually destroy itself in the same manner.
not sending this letter cUrses you with ill-fortuNe that is the dark
mirror of The good fortune you cOuLd have recieved. to ignore this letter
is to recieve the baD-luck or ill-fortune Mentioned in all future chain-
lEtters you will receive. only those who follow the instructions above
will receive the double blessing of luck and freedom from all future
chain-letters. just as sending it blessed you with the luck of all
chainletters, not sending it curses you with the misfortune. sending
another chainletter after this one brings the same misfortune as well.
This is the world's final chain-letter.
**********************************************************************13.6
[ This is a great way to accent those boring picture pages. ]
[ I'm even thinking of adding this feature to my pages. (By ]
[ the way, if you're on my picture page, tell me what you ]
[ think I should do with your picture...if you're not on my ]
[ picture page, then send me a picture!) ]
http://web2.airmail.net/~rockyru/
**********************************************************************13.7
A site for sore eyes and other thingies that will make you URL!
Okay, with all the nonsense about net censorship and all that jazz,
I've decided to bring you a (hopefully) weekly column about the net.
I brought you a bunch of sex related sites back when such things were
legal. So now that you can't look at the outside of people, let's
take a look at the inside of people (and other things). I bet
webwatch doesn't block these sites!
Be warned, some of this stuff will make you double over and hold your
nether-regions! Others will just make you yearn for spaghetti with
extra sauce.
The Visible Man
http://www.ge.com/crd/ivl/vm/vm.html
Okay, so this mass murdered is going to be executed, so he
decides to donate his body to science, right? Well, the psycho-doctors
decide to freeze him after he's dead (too bad, would have been better
while he was alive!) and slice him into iddy biddy pieces and scan
them. The result...accordian man! No, really, he's thousands of
slivers of a person. Maybe he planned to mail himself out of prison
and have someone stick him back together (like iron-ons!)
Rumor has it that there's a Visible Woman on the way.
Body Modification Ezine
http://www.io.org/~bme/contents.html
You thought eye brow piercing was sick, how about 3 in the
tongue, making patterns via razorblades and other things that belong
in a Hellraiser movie. Cenebites rejoice!
Piercing Mildred
http://streams.com/pierce/
It was too slow on my machine at home, but I think you get to
play a game and pierce this woman...hmmm
Gross Site of the Week
http://cygnus.igs.net/gross/
You name it, it's here. Medical photos! Can't get any worse
than that!
Step by Step Cow's Eye Dissection
http://www.exploratorium.edu/learning_studio/cow_eye/
Okay, this is kinda lame in comparison, but it IS from a
MUSEUM so it's still cool that they are doing it. Learn how to slice
and dice a moo-moo viewer! Includes links on where to buy those
udder-orbies!
When Disaster Strikes - Freak Accidents Slideshow
http://www.theblackbox.com.hk/disaster/a0025.html
So this isn't QUITE the same flavor as the others, but it's
very nicely done and might have some gritty stuff (again 28.8 bites!)
Vomitus Maximus Museum
http://www.vomitus.com/vomitus/index01.html
well, I guess I'm beating a dead horse (sorry, no photos),
this is artwork that can be funky. I like some of it, how 'bout you?
Okay, it's getting late, I've got work tomorrow, so that's all for
this week. I'll try to think of a new contriversial topic for next
week. Until then, happy trails!
**********************************************************************13.8
www.thecorporation.com
[ Did you really enjoy Laugh-In (or the reruns of Laugh-In)? ]
[ Well, this page holds strong similarities. It's obvious ]
[ that the creators are attempting to do some really funny ]
[ things...and it just doesn't work. The difference between ]
[ the.corporation and Laugh-In is that Laugh-In is funnier. ]
[ If they could find a way to get jokes as good as their de- ]
[ sign, they would have a prayer, but until then: it sucks. ]
http://www.netshop.net/~willow/nbkscrip.txt
Natural Born Killers script
boy, the net sure does have weird stuff!
**********************************************************************13.9
I'm Glad I'm A Man
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It's more fun than dealing with women after all
I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
[ And the expected response.... ]
I'm Glad I'm A Woman
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
*********************************************************************13.10
Here's one you guys will enjoy, check the Web for the full list
(http://www.cen.uiuc.edu/~dbaranec/star_pimp.html).
What if Star Wars was turned into a pimped out Movie?
Well, we figured many great movies out there were the "pimped-out"
ones, such as Shaft, Dolemite, Disco Godfather, Black Belt Jones, I'm
Gonna Git You Sucka, and Big Trouble in Little China. So, what would
be a good movie to turn into a pimped out movie? Why, Star Wars, of
course. Here are a list of changes that would have to be made, to make
Star Wars the truly great trilogy it was meant to be.
- The Millenium Falcon has hydraulics, and gold plated landing gear. It
also has huge, 500w subs mounted by the cannons.
- At the Cantina, Han-Solo and Chewbacca are drinking 40's of Old-English
800.
- Han Solo doesn't shoot Greedo under the table, he drops the sucka
execution style.
- C3-P0 is a completely soul-less, rhythmless English white guy.
- Artoo is a short hispanic man with Turet's syndrome (he's always wise-
cracking at 3P0).
- Princess Leia has hair extensions and bamboo earrings.
- The Rebel Alliance is the Black Panthers.
- The Emperor becomes The Man.
- Light sabers are completely replaced by kung-fu fighting.
- Lando is exactly the same, just carrying a 16oz can of Colt 45.
Ohhhhhhhhh yeah.
[ This is really a cute idea. Unfortunately dbaranec is not quite ]
[ dedicated to the idea. It's easy to believe this was rolled out in ]
[ only one six-pack. (I'm not dismissing the belief that alcohol is ]
[ inspirational, just that something of this depth needs a litre of ]
[ grain, or at least a suitcase...spread out over several nights if ]
[ you're weak.) ]
And while you're at it, check out his front page
(http://www.cen.uiuc.edu/~dbaranec)
[ I love this guy. No, really, a man after my own heart. ]
*********************************************************************13.11
CHARLES THE BRAIN CHILD'S BRAIN TEASERS
Questions:
----------
1. Why does The Tick get good reception on his television ?
2. If The Tick no longer hears a tock, what time is it ?
3. What's green in the face and blue all over ?
4. What do the The Tick and a high-flying balloon have in common ?
5. If The Tick's in the dark, what should he do ?
6. What did The Tick yell when he stepped on a tack ?
Answers:
--------
.eannetna fo tes nwo sih tog s'eH .1
.kcolc wen a teg ot emiT .2
.kciT kcis A .3
.ria toh fo lluf htob er'yehT .4
.thgil a no nruT .5
!eoT !kcaT !kciT .6
Courtesy of Taco Bell Kid's Meal bag.
*********************************************************************13.12
[ Without a doubt the funniest thing I've seen on the net since ]
[ I found EOD (http://www.etext.org/Zines/EOD/), this page rocks! ]
[ ...and be sure and follow the Chewbaca link. ]
http://www.cen.uiuc.edu/~nkpatel/mr.t/
*********************************************************************13.13
March 24, 1996
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT:
Tony Ellison
ellison@ingress.com
212 757-3015
The CD-ROM Outlet on WWW (http://www.shoplet.com/cdrom)
New York City, NY - March 22 1996 - The CD-ROM Outlet has announced
the availability of the largest CD-ROM catalog on the Internet with
5,000 titles of educational, informational and entertaining CD-ROMs
on-line at their new Internet site on the World Wide Web. It's all
free! Site visitors from around the world can browse the catalog by
title, learn more about specific titles and topics or take advantage
of the power search engine to lookup CD-ROMs by title, company or
keyword. Visitors may place orders on line confidentially with
Netscape's Secure Commerce Server or call the toll free line
(800) 757-3015. International users may call us at (212) 757-3015 to
place orders over the phone.
According to company Marketing Director, Tony Ellison, CD-ROMs are
quickly becoming an essential information resource and they reflect
our basic desire to be educated, entertained, and enlightened in
compelling new ways.
Mr. Ellison went on to say that "the information super-highway is the
greatest information resource ever, and having our virtual library of
information on CD-ROM titles available there will help Internet users
get the kinds of CD-ROMs they want and need with ease and at the
lowest prices ever."
The CD-ROM Outlet catalog is organized into dozens of subjects for
people and business of all types, interests and needs. Titles are
available on subjects as varied as Art & Literature, Academics,
Business, Children's learning, Computer Games, Hobbies, Pets, Health,
and much more. Mr. Ellison added, "with our on-line catalog we are
able to offer new titles constantly without the burden of printing, so
we expect to be able to provide our customers with the latest and best
products available, every day."
The CD-ROM Outlet is a leading retailer of multimedia products. For
the past 10 years it has pariticpaed in the "Interactive Revolution"
and provided multimedia products at lowest prices with fastest service
on the market. The CD-ROM Outlet is located at 61 West 62nd Street,
#16M, New York City, NY 10025 and can be contacted via phone: (212)
757-3015 ; email at ellison@ingress.com. The Website is located at
http://www.shoplet.com/cdrom
See the catalog on-line at: http://www.shoplet.com/cdrom
*********************************************************************13.14
*What's The Difference Between...*
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher,
indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the
differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please
sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her
bedroom, and closes the door.
- First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse... so he unbuttons
her blouse and takes it off.
- O.K., now take off my skirt... and he takes off her skirt.
- now take off my bra... which he does.
- and now, Johnny, please take off my panties. And when Johnny finishes
removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes
to school any more!"
*********************************************************************13.15
Review: Crumb (now available on video)
For those who are unfamiliar with Robert Crumb, vetern underground
cartoonist, this film is a good opportunity to see firsthand what sort of
environment created the person best known for his memorable characters
such as Fritz the Cat, Mr. Natural, Devil Girl, and the infamous Keep On
Truckin' cartoon. For those already familiar with the works of R. Crumb,
this films provides valuable insight to this reclusive legendary social
commentator. In a nutshell, it is a must-see.
This was shot in the late eighties/early nineties in a series of
footage with Crumb, his immediate family, former girlfriends, and fellow
cartoonists of the sixties-seventies era. Terry Zwigoff, a personal
friend of Crumb's, does quite an effective job of capturing what is left
of Crumb's family, one which Crumb describes as a visually iconic fifties
family. Visually. On the interior, however, one discovers the rubble
that has emerged in the years following.
The story also encompasses to a large extent Crumb's two brothers,
Charles and Maxon (Max). Charles is a fortyish man suffering from his
self described "mental instabilities" (Charles has since committed suicide
since filming) who was still living at home with his mother. Max, on the
other hand, lived in the projects of San Franciso. He is an artist (as
were all the Crumb brothers) living alone practicing meditation in his
apartment on a self made bed of nails. From the conversations with his
brothers, we realize that despite his shocking cartoons and characters,
Robert is by far the normal brother. For while both Max and Charles are
extremely articulate and obviously well educated, their trains of thought
and obsessions range alarmingly from homicidal urges to molestation.
Charles lives in a sort of self imposed exile, hardly leaving the house
in the last thirty years, while Max eats string (he says it's the only
truly effective way to clean out your intestines), sits on his bed of
nails, and goes begging in San Francisco.
Crumb attempts neither to define nor explain his work; any questions
such as "Why?" are left entirely to the viewer to draw thier own conclu-
sions. One is left with the feeling Crumb does not know either, he does
not care anymore, he is at peace with himself and to hell with anyone who
is not. He merely vents his demons on paper as best he can, and his part
of the process is complete.
The film is pretty funny, as well, with lots of odd anecdotes about
his life that are just hilarious. To quote Crumb's brother Charles: "How
perfectly goddamned delightful it all is, to be sure."
For a musical sampler, pick up "R. Crumb-the Musical" by Michael Mitch
Price & his Musical Miscreants. It's an adaption of Crumb's cartoons and
characters to the stage and the soundtrack is pretty damn funny.