wurshed and wackst
***********************************************************************toc
[ Table of Contents ]
11.1 La. - still the tops! -news- (ggibson@aztec.astate.edu)
11.2 That Seinfeld guy. -humor- (roseylocks@aol.com)
11.3 The kMc Kitchen Pantry. -review- (etrigan@eden.com)
11.4 Thesis pointers. -humor- (SLS5590@ACS.TAMU.EDU)
11.5 URL spew. -URLs- (membryk@madison.vislab.com)
11.6 The Birdcage. -review- (etrigan@eden.com)
11.7 Joke spew. -jokes- (MBRAUNS1@UA1VM.UA.EDU)
**********************************************************************11.1
[ If you don't remember, Louisiana changed a law and took away ]
[ the only good reason to be a minor in Louisiana. They raised ]
[ the drinking age back to 21. Thank god, they came to their ]
[ senses, though. ]
I just wanted to say a few words of congratulations to my friends of
younger age after learning of the recent La. court decision on the
constitutionality (big word) of the drinking age law. Yeah for you
all! May we stick it to the oppressing MAN for years to come!!!!
Yours truly,
g3
**********************************************************************11.2
[ Since I'm not much of a Seinfeld fan (you could say I detest ]
[ the moron), you can rest assured that the selections I chose ]
[ (from a much larger list) are his (few) funny jokes. ]
TRAVELING
You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?"
"Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do
you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."
DEATH
The Chalk Outline guy's got a good job. Not too dangerous, the
criminals are long gone. I guess these are people who wanted to be
sketch artists but they couldn't draw very well. "Uh, listen, Jon,
forget the sketches, do you think if we left the dead body right there
on the sidewalk you could manage to trace around it?" How does that
help them solve the crime? They look at the thing on the ground, "Oh,
his arm was like that when he hit the pavement....the killer must have
been...Jim."
THAT'S ODD
I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into
these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior
design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire
other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey
look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks
just like me in there." But the parakeet would fall for this. I'd
let him out of his cage, he'd fly right into the mirror. And I'd
always think, "Even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why
doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?"
ON SEX:
Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually,
is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no
matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on
the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the
conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
THE RELATIONSHIP
Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for
some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the
woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He
wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, "Look, gas, food,
lodging, that's our exit, that's everything we need to be happy...Get
off here, now!" But the man is focusing on sign underneath that says,
"Next exit 27 miles," and he thinks, "I can make it." Sometimes he
can, sometimes he can't. Sometimes, the car ends up on the side of the
road, hood up and smoke pouring out of the engine. He's sitting on
the curb all alone, "I guess I didn't realize how many miles I was
racking up."
**********************************************************************11.3
Review: Choclair
New candy bar in the vending machine at work!!! The Choclair, which is
currently endorsed by Shaq and packaged by a Canadian company, is more
than the "chocolatey covered wafers" that it seems. I was expecting a
simple chhocolate-flavored-wax over wafers taste, but the richness of
the filling between the wafers blew me away. If you see this candy bar
in your area, and you like rich, but oddly smooth, chocolate then grab
one and rip in! (And if you want to meet Shaq, you can send them a
postcard to join the sweepstakes.)
**********************************************************************11.4
[ Our first entry from the human being that brings the most joy and ]
[ the most trouble to ggibson@aztec.astate.edu (just joking), is ]
[ neccesary reading for you school types. ]
101 THINGS (NOT) TO DO AT OR FOR YOUR THESIS DEFENSE
(in no particular order)
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National
Anthem..."
2) Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.
3) "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast
question.
4) Interpretive dance.
5) "Musical accompaniment provided by..."
6) Stage your own death/suicide.
7) Lead the specators in a Wave.
8) Have a sing-a-long.
9) "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a
professor?"
10) "Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and
concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin..."
11) Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors
from sitting in.
12) Puppet show.
13) Group prayer.
14) Animal sacrifice to the god of the Underworld.
15) Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.
16) "I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!"
17) Imitate Groucho Marx.
18) Mime.
19) Hold a Tupperware party.
20) Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads.
21) "Everybody rhumba!!"
22) "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..."
23) Charge a cover and check for ID.
24) "In protest of our government's systematic and brutal opression of
minorities..."
25) "Anybody else as drunk as I am?"
26) Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics...
27) Use a Super Soaker to point at people.
28) Surreptitioulsy fill the room with laughing gas.
29) Door prizes and a raffle.
30) "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..."
31) "And now, a word from our sponsor..."
32) Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter.
33) Whine piteously, beg, cry...
**********************************************************************11.5
[ The SquidMan seems to be the only person surfing the web ]
[ lately, or at least he's more willing to share his finds ]
[ with the rest of us. ]
www.naughty.com
[ The Yahoo of naughty things, this site is making a point ]
[ of making it easy to find all those things the Senators ]
[ and Representatives are talking about! At the very top ]
[ of page one, they have a link straight (and that _is_ a ]
[ pun) to "Where are the pictures of naked women?". ]
http://www.switchboard.com
[ In the race to get out the first World Wide Yellow Pages ]
[ Switchboard doesn't do too bad. Unfortunatley like all ]
[ of these services (including the CD-ROM's you've seen in ]
[ the stores) the information is out of date. (My address ]
[ and phone number are listed from a place I haven't lived ]
[ in for over a year!) With the speed and accuracy of ]
[ computers, why can't they improve this crap?... shadows ]
[ of Ma Bell... ]
I found Future Crew's homepage http://www.axs.net/~fc/
Supposedly about 5 demo groups have joined forces and created a game
company (finally!)
Also, they are making a 3d chip/card for the pc that kicks ass
(according to the pictures)
http://www.tritech-sg.com/mm/pyra/index.htm
The gallery has some cool shots from the card. They are all rotatable
in real time (the warrior is incredible!!! I don't believe it!)
[ Future Crew has created what may be some of the best ]
[ sound and animation demos for home computers. If you ]
[ are interested in seeing cutting graphics and music, ]
[ this is a good place to start. ]
**********************************************************************11.6
Review: The Birdcage
Short and simple: "La Cage aux Folles" set in South Beach, Florida.
The damned funniest movie that's come out, so far, this year...and
if one comes out that's funnier, it might just kill me. (The original
is just as good, 'cept it's a bitch either reading those tiny sub-
titles on the tv or having to watch the voice not match the lips.)
Rating: Full Price plus slip the manager $100 for playing a Gingriching
great movie.
**********************************************************************11.7
[ Michael's been busy collecting all the jokes he received (and ]
[ liked) last year. Here's a few to round out the WU. ]
There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were
approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom
night and neither of them had a date for it. So one day, the girl
approaches her brother and says "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?"
He says "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?"
"You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?"
"Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!"
"Well, are you taking somebody else out?"
"You know I don't have a date, Sis."
"And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?"
Her bro her nods. She continues, "So we should go with each other."
The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his
sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening,
he will take her to the prom.
Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date,
so the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom
on Friday.
At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad
that his sister talked him into taking her. Then, while he's
standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again.
"Hey, brother, let's dance."
He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. "Look, Sis,
this is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own
sister at the prom, okay?"
"Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why
can't you dance with your sister?"
"Oh . . . all right."
So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after
a while it's over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time.
In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at
him and says, "Let's not go straight home."
He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do instead?"
"Oh, I don't know. Just drive around."
He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country,
she looks over at him again and says "Want to find some place to park?"
"Hell," he says, "are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going
parking with you!"
"Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over somewhere
and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of us-- how
long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?"
So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a
secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks
over at him again.
"Hey . . . " she says.
"What?"
"Why don't you kiss me?"
"You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I'm
not going to kiss you, you're my sister!" And he reached for the
ignition switch to start the car.
She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've
mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love
each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed
him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing,
she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it."
"Do what," said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his
sister had in mind.
"You know what," his sister replied.
"I can't do that with you, you're my . . . " His voice trailed off.
While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a lot
lighter than Dad."
"I know," said her brother. "Mom told me."
+------------------------------+
"It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel
gets his wings. But what they don't tell you is, every
time you hear a mousetrap snap, an angel gets set on fire."
+------------------------------+
1. Q: What do you say to a sorority girl that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
2. Q: Why does a sorority girl wear underwear?
A: To keep her ankles warm.
3. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a Rolls Royce?
A: Not everybody has been in a Rolls Royce.
4. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.
5. Q: What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her look more
attractive?
A: Her ankles.
6. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
A1: You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2: You could eat a bowling ball if you had to.
A3: You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball.
A4: There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes
to poke.
7. Q: How are a bowling ball and a sorority girl alike?
A: You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them
in the gutter and they'll always come back.
8. Q: What is the difference between a sorority girls and hookers?
A: Sorority girls cost less per score.
9. Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
A: About 40 pounds.
Q2: How do you equalize the two?
A2: Feed the elephant.
10. Q: What is the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
A1: Introduces herself.
A2: Walks home.
11. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic?
A: Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.
12. Q: How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
A: She drops her nail file
13. Q: What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape?
A: Don't know. There's only so much an ape can be forced to do.
14. Q: Why is a sorority girl like a door knob?
A: 'Cause everybody gets a turn.
15. Q: How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?
A: Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door, and throw a
twinkie on the bed.
16. Q: Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
A: You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
17. Q: What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
A: Garbage gets taken out once a week.
18. Q: What do you call a 100 sorority girls bathing on a beach in Cuba?
A: Bay of Pigs.
19. Q: What do you call a sorority girl hang-gliding festival?
A: Multiple total eclipses.
20. Q: What is a sorority girls mating call?
A: "I'm sooooooo drunk, I'm sooooooo drunk."
21. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a dog?
A: Driver's will swerve to miss the dog.
22. Q: How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: 1, she holds on to it, and the world revolves around her.
A2: 2, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daddy.
A3: 6, one to screw it in, and five to make T-shirts.
A4: 7, one to change it, and six to go out and buy more Diet Pepsi.
A5: 65, one to change it, and 64 to sing and clap.
23. Q: Why is a sorority girl like railroad tracks?
A: 'Cause she's been laid all over the country.
24. Q: What three words will a sorority girl never hear?
A: "Attention K-mart shoppers."
25. Q: Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex?
A: So she can fantasize about shopping.
26. Q: What is a sorority girls favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
27. Q: What's the difference between sorority girls and Jell-o?
A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.
28. Q: What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed?
A1: Lake Placid.
A2: The Dead Sea.
29. Q: How do you know when a sorority girl is a nymphomaniac?
A: She'll make love the same day she had her hair done.
30. Q: What's a sorority girl's idea of natural childbirth?
A: No make-up.
31. Q: How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
A: Marry her.
32. Q: What's the difference betweena sorority girl and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
33. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.
34. Q: What's the difference betweena sorority and a circus?
A: A circus is a cunning array of stunts.
35. Q: How is a sorority girl like a vacuum?
A: They both suck.
Q2: How are they different?
A1: You can buy a new vacuum when you get sick of it.
A2: You can buy a new vacuum when it no longer sucks.
A3: When a vacuum cleaner is full of shit, it's easy to dump the old
bag.
A4: A vacuum cleaner can't suck a golf ball through a garden hose.
A5: A vacuum cleaner can't suck start a Harley.
36. Q: How do you get four sorority girls on one chair?
A1: Tell them there is a rich guy sitting in it.
A2: Turn the chair over, and put one on each leg.
37. Q: What's the difference between a sorority track team and a tribe of
sly pygmies?
A: The tribe of sly pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
38. Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and sorority girls have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
+------------------------------+
***Please read with an Italian accent***
(I understand that it is customary for the bride and groom to consummate
their vows during the reception.)
About halfway through the reception, the brides mother went to her
daughter and said, "Go upstairs and ah make ah your husband ah happy,
eh?"
The bride did as she was told, and upon finding her new husband, she took
him upstairs above the celebrating crowd's watchful eye.
He knew what was to take place, wasting no time, he took his tuxedo
jacket, dress shirt and t-shirt off. She noticed that he had a hairy
chest! Aghast, she quickly ran down stairs, found her mother and told her
"Momma, he's got ah hairy chest!" Her mother, in hopes to calm her down,
said "Go upstairs and ah make ah your husband ah happy, eh?" She went
back upstairs. He then took off his pants and she noticed that his legs
were hairy too!
She was quite old fashioned and didn't know what to think, so she ran
downstairs yet again to find her mother. She found her, pulled her aside
and said, "Momma, Momma Mia - he's got ah hairy legs too, what am I ah
going to do, eh?" Her mother trying to soothe her again, said "Now go
upstairs child and make ah your husband ah happy, eh? Now go upstairs
child!"
She went back to the room, when she entered, he took his shoes off, then
his socks. When she looked down, she noticed that one of his feet was
half gone! She ran downstairs, frightened and found Momma once again -
"Momma, he's got ah foot and ah half!" But this time, the mother thought
and said "Child, you stay downstairs and ah let your Momma go upstairs
and ah make ah your husband ah happy!"
+------------------------------+
HOW TO RITE RITE
1) Don't abbrev.
2) Check to see if you any words out.
3) Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
4) About sentence fragments.
5) When dangling, don't use participles.
6) Don't use no double negatives.
7) Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
8) Just between you and I, case is important.
9) Join clauses good, like a conjuction should.
10) Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.
11) Its important to use apostrophe's right.
12) It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.
13) Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.
14) Omly Proper Nouns should be capitalized. also a sentence should begin
with a capital and end with a period
15) Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase.
16) In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas to
keep a string of items apart.
17) Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language.
18) Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
19) Avoid unnecessary redundancy.
20) A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
21) Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it.
22) A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with.
23) Avoid cliches like the plague.
+------------------------------+
TOP TEN REASONS WHY SCOOBY DOO WAS A DRUG INFLUENCED CARTOON
1) Scooby and Shaggy were always being freaked out by ghosts and
ghouls, but no one else saw them before Scoob and Shaggy.
2) Scooby and Shaggy always had the munchies.
3) Shaggy always thought Scooby was talking and was the only one who
could hear him and understand him.
4) Scooby and Shaggy always fell into the trap that was intended for the
monster because they were always tripping over themselves and couldn't
see where they were going.
5) They were always deluded and warped by thinking they were dressed up
in some costumes, entertaining the monsters.
6) Shaggy always said "like" to the extreme, i.e. "like ZOIKS, Scoob,
let's get outta here!!" What's a zoik?
7) Scooby and Shaggy were always the ones in the back of the van (doing
who knows what).
8) They drove around in the MYSTERY MACHINE, which had that weird trippy
design on it's side.
9) Shaggy and Scooby were always giddy and laughing.
10) Look at Shaggy; the way he dressed, his goatee, etc., 'nuff said.
+------------------------------+
85 RULES AND INSTRUCTIONS ON BEING A MAN
========================================
1. Don't call. EVER.
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her
figure it out by herself.
3. Lie.
4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and
unoriginal, such as "spike"
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you
mailed it to them/already gave it to them.
6. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it.
7. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a
grunt will do.
8. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it
isn't your fault.
9. Lie.
10. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
11. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help ---
don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
12. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only
monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
14. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis)
15. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in
urine.
16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best
friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not
giving up on her.
17. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
18. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend
picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
19. Lie.
20. Deny everthing. Everything.
21. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her.
Especially female friends you suspect may have a crush on you.
(Probably all of them --- you're a man remember?) They really
want to know.
22. Don't have a clue.
23. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
24. No means yes.
25. Yes means no.
26. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel.
You may get sick or even die. This is one of the most important
rules.
27. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions
and locations.
28. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often
signifies the end of a relationship.
29. Feelings? What feelings?
30. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at
something, either pretend it's not true or kick their ass.
31. Lie I tell you!!
32. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed
into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still
must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for
escape. Example:
Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic
dinner?"
Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce
each day."
33. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual
meaning. Twist.
34. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various
genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make
a replica of your penis. Exagerate the dimensions by 25%).
35. Lie.
36. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying
it.
37. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you
completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
38. Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss
her again. Repeat cycle.
39. Lie.
40. Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.
41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
42. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial
things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see
you.
44. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
45. Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen,
etc.
46. Lie.
47. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with
people you don't know.
48. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with
people you don't know.
49. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing,
DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
50. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
51. You are male, therefore you are superior.
52. Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with
yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
53. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to
please you.
54. Don't ever notice anything.
55. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't
say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in
love with YOU, and then tell her.
56. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
57. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
58. Lie.
59. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically
you've done nothing wrong.
60. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you
have to cry about, anyway?
61. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
62. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
63. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
64. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this
phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
65. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until
a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes
hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and
others will worship your skills.
66. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long,
laugh loud, laugh heartily.
67. Lie.
68. If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how
hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor
you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of
their life.
69. 69
70. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want
to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't
talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"
71. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to
speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you
are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
72. Lie.
73. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell
the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
74. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave
for a few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked,
sprawled on the bed. Leave,and go into her dad's room and
tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like
hell. (true story.)
75. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone
else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the
one who wanted to end the relationship.
76. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls
on top.
77. Default facial expression: blank stare.
78. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up
your butt. Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull
it out of your ass.
79. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do,
first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work,
go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you
don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to
do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET,
finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and
then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually,
people will stop asking you to do things.
80. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or
Oldies.
81. Beer. Then more beer.
82. One word: FOOTBALL!
83. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want
the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
84. Discuss your pecs at every opportunity.
85. LIE.
+------------------------------+
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