..voulez vous?
So, I'm late. Back off!
After three days of doing my damndest to stay on my feet, off my ass, and
away from the two story cliffs along the edge of "Green" runs in Angel
Fire and Red River, New Mexico whilst my feet were strapped to a snow
board for the first time in their life, I'm just feeling a little sore
and tired.
If you've got a catholic streak in you and feel the need to atone for the
life of ease you've been devoting to the Demons of Slack, then I would
prescribe one snow-board and three days of strain.
Expect a review of the new Taco Bell "4-alarm" Double Decker, and Block-
buster's "Block Party" Arcade some time next week when stavros@eden.com,
jhathorn@shrevport.promus.com, Mickey "Barrio Boy" Ray, Marc "Lemon Drop"
Glazier, and myself are less bruised and awake.
*************************************************************************x
Here's where I break the order (before we've even begun) and give you an
unindexed review of the greatest Action Hero's (finally) triumphant return
to American movie theaters.
Review: Rumble in the Bronx:
There was never any doubt in my mind, but RitB proves that there is no
true man better than Jackie Chan. To counter the fact that Americans
refuse to read (thanks, B&B) RitB is dubbed (and not very well dubbed --
but what movie ever was well-dubbed?), but JC overcomes this to give us
one non-stop roll through NYC against bikers, Mafia and gorgeous women.
I won't hinder this movie's progress by applying my lame words to this
CRT canvas in a fruitless attempt to express the incredible magnitude
of seeing Jackie Chan in action.
This is a Full Price movie if you're an action fan. Otherwise, run to
the nearest theater for a matinee show, since missing this movie would be
a sin.
***********************************************************************toc
[ Table of Contents ]
9.1 Senior Citizen letter. -joke- (mbuna@eden.com)
9.2 Gamblinet. -URL- (stavros@eden.com)
9.3 Dr. Suess Bible. -humor- (etrigan@eden.com)
9.4 Whale schrapnel. -folklore- (kmembry@greenmtns.com)
9.5 Computer schrapnel. -folklore- (lumpy@fc.net)
9.6 MicroSerfs. -review- (billjank@mindport.net)
9.7 Happy Gilmore. -review- (GGIBSON@aztec.astate.edu)
9.8 Pope. -joke- (mbuna@eden.com)
9.9 Male/Female Computer. -joke- (membryk@madison.vislab.com)
9.10 Mac/DOS analogy by U. Eco. -article- (Kelly.McCollum@chronicle.com)
9.11 JFK: The Final Solution. -article- (Kelly.McCollum@chronicle.com)
***********************************************************************9.1
The following letter was forwarded by someone who
teaches at a junior high school ; the letter was sent to the
principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the
elderly.
-----------
Dear Reyer School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for
the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks
of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never
let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of
pieces. It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I
said fuck you.
Sincerely,
Edna Johnston
-----------
***********************************************************************9.2
GAMBLING on the INTERNET!!!
Monaco has authorized a casino on the Internet called Monacall.
Supposedly the "cash" will go through a Gibraltar-based bank and will go
online for launch May 15th.
CasinoWorld CEO Kendell Lang says that the casino will only offer
action when and where it's legal. "This service is only being offered in
areas where Internet gaming is legal, and our counsel has told us it's
not legal in the U.S., so we're not offering it to U.S. citizens. It is
legal in most of Asia, in parts of South America, and in parts of
Europe."
Yeah RIGHT - how/why do you restrict anyone on the 'net from doing
anything "THEY" want ?
***********************************************************************9.3
[ I found this whil looking for info. on the Kids in the Hall ]
[ movie slated for this summer. It brings back fond memories ]
[ and will get in the mood to start watching for trailers for ]
[ "The Kids in the Hall Movie". ]
http://uptown.turnpike.net/S/spatula/sbible.html
The Dr. Seuss Bible
As seen on The Kids In The Hall
DAVE: And now - the Dr. Seuss Bible.
One day God said this is what I will do, I'll send down my son,
I'll send him to you, to clear up this humpity bumpity hullabaloo.
His name will be Christ and he'll never wear shoes,
his pals will all call him the King of the Jews.
He didn't come in a plane, he didn't come in a jeep,
he didn't come in the pouch of a high jumping voveep.
He rode on the back of a black sassatoo,
which is the blackiest creature you ever could view.
He rode to Jerusalem, home of the grumpity Jews,
where false prophets were worshipped, some even in twos.
There was Murray Von Murr and Gengis Vo Vews,
the one you could worship by taking a snooze.
Christ spoke from a mound, which is a pile of ground,
and people gathered around without making a sound,
thus he spake.
Sin in socks,
socks full of sin,
how do we quiet this jehovady din?
Do unto others as they'd do unto you,
that includes you young Timothy Foo.
One pharisee said to another he knew,
KEVIN: What shall we do with this uppity Jew?
BRUCE: We can wash him in wine and make him all clean and into Sam
Diddle's crucifixion machine.
DAVE: Twirl the gawhirl and release the gazee and in go the nails as fast
as you please. And it is said that he said as he bled,
SCOTT: Forgive them Father for they know not what they do, for they walk
through this life in toe crampity shoes.
KEVIN, MARK, BRUCE: Who, you?
DAVE: Amen.
***********************************************************************9.4
Urban Folklore? No longer, the Exploding Whale is for real!!
[ One of the greatest pieces of Urban Folklore that actually ]
[ is true. Warning: Not for the weak of stomach. ]
http://www.perp.com/whale/
***********************************************************************9.5
[ A more recent, equally silly, bu tentirely false UF piece. ]
Deadly Virus turns Home Computers into Bombs (fwd)
WASHINGTON D.C. -- A deadly new computer virus that actually causes
home computers to explode in a hellish blast of glass fragments and flame
has injured at least 23 people since January 1, horrifying authorities who
say millions of people are risking injury, blindness or death every time
they sit down to work at their PC. "Computer viruses of the past could
disable your computer, but this virus goes a step further and can kill
you," declared Martin Heriden, a computer expert who specializes in
identifying computer problems. "Whoever put this thing out certainly knew
what he was doing. The virus is extremely hard to detect and almost
impossible to 'kill'. Most computers are sold with antivirus software
designed to detect and eliminate viruses. But this virus doesn't carry
the usual markers that enable it to be detected."
It is an extreamly compilicated process. The virus affects the
computers hardware, creating conditions that lead to dangerous short
circuits and power surges. The end result is a powerful explosion. The
virus, nicknamed 'Death Ray' by experts like Heriden, surfaced in England
on January 1. A 24 year old college student was permanetly blinded when
his 17 inch color monitor exploded in his face. The same day, an 11 year
old boy was badly burned when the computer he got for Christmas burst into
flames. Nobody realized that the incidents were related until 21
additional reports of explosions and injury were noted in the US.
England, France, Germany, Japan, Australia and Canada. Investigation
revealed that all of the computers had been infected with the Death Ray
virus, although nobody knows where the virus comes from or how it gets on
home computers.
"So how do you protect yourself? I wish I knew." said Heriden. "You
either stop using your computer or you take your chances until we can get
a handle on this thing and get rid of it for good."
***********************************************************************9.6
Review: MicroSerfs.
Douglas Coupland, he who branded us Generation X, is at it again,
spewing end-of-an-era/transitional/semi-philosophic claptrap, doing his
poor ripoff of Tom Robbins, with the book about an unlikely hero, in a not
so atypical situation (but not "normal"). I think he wants this to be the
"Bright Lights, Big City" of the '90's, although the fast and furious,
drugs and money sub-culture of the '80's that that book captured has now
turned into the microbrew swilling, introspective, interconnected cyber-
world of today. But I will admit that the book captivated me, and kept me
up late to finish it.
Coupland paints a not so grim picture of life in the cyberindustry,
centered around a group of 20-something Microserfs, ex-employees of that
post industrial Standard Oil, Microsoft. In it, the hero, Daniel, falls
in love with typical out of place smart chick, goes to work for a friend's
start up company developing a new software technology based entirely on
Legos, comes to terms with his brother's untimely death, and helps his
father work through his layoff from Big Blue. A not entirely atypical
year here at the end of the age.
The girlfriend, Karla, seems at times like a vehicle for Coup-
land's philosophical musings, coming out with sentances that at first seem
out of place, but towards the end seem almost commonplace. "Left vs.
right is obsolete. Politics is, in the end, about biology, information,
diversification, numbers, numbers, and numbers - all candy coated with
charisma and guns." -- one of her later musings.
The book is full of one liners, such as:
-The net is cool, but not that cool
-Ooh, Bill, -Please, please feed me another bite of hot, bubbly
cheese cube.
-One's perception of time flow is directly linked to the number
of connections one has to the outer world. Technology increases
the number of connections, thus it alters the perception of
having "experienced" time.
I really, really didn't want to like this book. I'm kind of miffed
at Coupland for giving us the whole Generation X label. I remember
reading the first chapter when it came out in Wired a couple of years ago,
and thinking that this guy needed to get a life and stop whining about how
rough of a shake that we've gotten. But after reading the book, it seems
that Coupland came up more optimistic than I could have hoped. He still
maintains that art above all else attitude, exlemplified by the random
word association pages that he has thrown in the book as an experiment by
Daniel, but seems to be somewhat in touch with reality. The reality being
that the vast majority of us are well educated, fairly happy with our up-
bringing, and interested in having a normal life. I'm glad that someone
finally realized that lots of us do have jobs, that we do have dreams, and
that we are taking the world into the future.
As far as reccomendations, it would rate a paperback purchase.
[ I value Jank's opinion, but I feel he's missed one of the key ]
[ points of Coupland's books (of which "Generation X" is the ]
[ worst). Coupland is able to present a story as truth and it ]
[ is so amazingly like the details of real life that suspension ]
[ of disbelief is almost a subconcious act. Everyone "in the ]
[ industry" (computers, that is) will tell you that "MicroSerfs"]
[ is an amazing example of the exact people and working place ]
[ that we deal with every day. Computer employees who read it ]
[ will inevitably ask Douglas Coupland the same question they ]
[ continually ask Scott Adams (the creator of Dilbert): "You ]
[ work in my office, don't you? You must, to know about these ]
[ things that really happened." ]
***********************************************************************9.7
Review: HAPPY GILMORE
For those of you who haven't gotten a chance to see Adam Sandler's
latest flick, DO!!!! You don't have to be a golfing buff to enjoy
this one, (though, being golfers didn't hurt Doc and I as we rolled
in the aisles with laughter). Sandler stars as "Happy Gilmore," a
hockey player wanna-be who sets out to win enough money on the
PGA tour to get back his grandma's home after he was discovered to
have the golfing touch. In doing so, he brings golf to the working
class and the working class to golf tournaments. ( He also gets beat
up by Bob "The Price is Wrong Bitch" Barker). Of course, the movie
would not be complete without a chick to co-star. Though, I think
that BILLY MADISON may have been a better movie, technically, you
can't walk away from this one! Enjoy!
***********************************************************************9.8
A man (JT) who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next
to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn
coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the
disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes
arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How
long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
***********************************************************************9.9
Top 10 reasons computers are male
=================================
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter
Top 10 reasons compilers must be female:
========================================
10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Smalltalk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild.
**********************************************************************9.10
"yet another Mac/DOS analogy...This one from Umberto Eco..."
The fact is that the world is divided between users of the Macintosh
computer and users of MS-DOS compatible computers. I am firmly of the
opinion that the Macintosh is Catholic and that DOS is Protestant.
Indeed, the Macintosh is counterreformist and has been influenced by
the 'ratio studiorum' of the Jesuits. It is cheerful, friendly, concilia-
tory, it tells the faithful how they must proceed step by step to reach --
if not the Kingdom of Heaven -- the moment in which their document is
printed. It is catechistic: the essence of revelation is dealt with via
simple formulae and sumptuous icons. Everyone has a right to salvation.
DOS is Protestant, or even Calvinistic. It allows free interpretation
of scripture, demands difficult personal decisions, imposes a subtle
hermeneutics upon the user, and takes for granted the idea that not all
can reach salvation. To make the system work you need to interpret the
program yourself: a long way from the baroque community of revelers, the
user is closed within the loneliness of his own inner torment.
You may object that, with the passage to Windows, the DOS
universe has come to resemble more closely the counterreformist tolerance
of the Macintosh. It's true: Windows represents an Anglican-style schism,
big ceremonies in the cathedral, but there is always the possibility of a
return to DOS to change things in accordance with bizarre decisions...
And machine code, which lies beneath both systems (or
environments, if you prefer)? Ah, that is to do with the Old Testament, and
is Talmudic and cabalistic.
**********************************************************************9.11
Subject: New manuscript describes the JFK cabal (fwd)
[ pssst, hey! it's a secret. ]
The Citizens for Democracy
1800 Mineral Spring Avenue Suite 306
North Providence, RI 02904-1127
P R E S S R E L E A S E
February 12, 1996
Contact: Jan Mirilovich
Fax number: 401-353-0666
E-mail address: pioneer@ids.com
Attention: Editor, National News Desk
Release Date: President's Day - February 19, 1996
Subject: Recently published manuscript purports to have deciphered
the mystery behind the assassination of John F. Kennedy
Title: JFK: The Final Solution
What if I told you that Citizens for Democracy was literally on the
brink of solving the mystery behind the John F. Kennedy assassination
and finding the identity of the members of the highest levels of the
cabal? How would you be able to tell whether or not it was really
correct? Simple. If I could show you that two other persons had already
solved portions of this case years ago and left clues for everyone to
follow to the ultimate conspirators would you be convinced then?
Possibly. Then what if I showed you that they also reached the very SAME
conclusions that I had via a completely independent set of sources and
separate methodologies?
Would you be convinced of it then? Are you willing to hear more?
Well, who are they all saying was behind the JFK murder plot?
The plotters were all members of some of the most fascist and repressive
organizations in the 50's and the 60's: the House Un-American Activities
Committee (HUAC), Senate Internal Security Subcommittee (SISS), and The
Pioneer Fund (TPF) of New York which is still active today with
Proposition 187, the Bell Curve and the Steve Forbes presidential
campaign. Later some of them ended up either on the World Anti-Communist
League (WACL) or on The Council for Nazional Policy (CNP) or The Liberty
Lobby (TLL), all of which are still active today in spreading their
particular brand of devisiveness and enmity.
[ ... ]
==================================================================
JFK: The Final Solution.
The Manchurian Candidate and The Richard Giesbrecht Incident
Richard Condon in his "novel" The Manchurian Candidate and Richard
Giesbrecht who overheard some of the plotters in Winnipeg, Canada left
us many clues to help solve the mystery.
How would you like to help finish solving one of the toughest enigmas in
history and perhaps make a name for yourself in the process? The final
solution to the JFK assassination is very close at hand and we need just
a little bit of help from our friends to finish the job properly. Any-
thing you can add to the solution of the word plays will be very helpful
indeed.
The first person to solve any one of these 10-12 remaining puzzles will
be credited in any book that is published as a result of this research.
This is your chance to earn a niche for yourself in history and to help
all of mankind to "Fight the Reich Wing."
Here is how it works. We have focused on two very well defined
portions of the JFK Assassination:
1) The historical novel called "The Manchurian Candidate" by Richard
Condon which was published in 1958-59 and became a movie of the same
name starring Frank Sinatra a few years later.
2) A little known event called the "Richard Giesbrecht Incident"
...which occurred on February 13, 1964 in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada and
involved an accidentally overhead discussion about the pending payoff for
the murderers of President John F. Kennedy the previous Fall. When
Giesbrecht was noticed, one of the men scared him off.
We have also discovered that Richard Condon left several more undeciphered
anagrams and word plays in his novel which point to persons who were
involved with a project run by Army Intelligence involving programmed
assassins and mind control experiments. Almost all of them have been
deciphered and they all point to members of what we have termed the "Reich
Wing Extremists" in America and across the globe. We believe that it was
this group that orchestrated the JFK murder. Richard Condon has never
implicated anyone in this assassination and has been unwilling to discuss
this matter with any of the authors.
The final solution to the JFK assassination involves the most remark-
able collection of eugenicists, Master Race proponents, involuntary
sterilization supporters, racists, anti-Semites and anti-immigration
supporters you have ever seen in your lifetime. In short they were
fascists or Nazi sympathizers or former Nazis.
I am enlisting the support of the general community, some of whom may be
skeptical about the Richard Condon anagrams and word plays he utilized,
in order to help me solve some of the more difficult remaining puzzles.
We are absolutely serious about this matter.
An example of the solved pieces of the puzzle:
These first two point not to persons or places but things.
"Al Melvin" is an easy one for starters, if you would like to try and
decipher it just for practice. If you can not get this one or any of the
next three, you probably do not have a knack for unscrambling anagrams
into their component parts. The answers are below.
"Dr. Yen Lo" is also fairly easy. Yen was at the Manchurian Candidate
meetings in Harbin or Mukden, Manchuria where Raymond was told to murder
his two fellow comrades as a programmed assassin. Anastase Vonsiatsky
was headquartered in Harbin, Manchuria for years with his Russian Fascist
Organization. Use ALL the letters here. Hint: Dr. Yen Lo was the "lone
Communist" in attendance at these meetings. Answer below.
To show how many simple anagrams and palindromes were utilized:
"Tungwha" is "What gun?" and "Etah" is a palindrome for "Hate".
Some of the more difficult ones that were already solved:
"Ole Banstoffsen-Washington" who is a ficticious person in the Manchurian
Candidate is actually an anagram for:
"H. B. Angleton Waffen SS Notsi"
-or-
"H. B. Angleton Waffen SS - No shit"
There are three other references to Waffen SS or "Notsi", etc. Another
reference to Hugh Angleton is "Hugh Bone" which is really "Hugh B One" or
Hugh be one (of them), meaning the Reich Wing in America and the Reich
Wing internationally.
Hugh B. Angleton was the father of James J. Angleton, who was removed as
Deputy Director of the CIA after being exposed for opening the mail of
American citizens without any court order or even any CIA authority
whatsoever. Tom Mangold indicated that Hugh B. Angleton was "not un-
friendly with the Fascists (in Italy)" and that "he was acquainted with
Benito Mussolini when he ran the NCR franchise in Italy from 1933-1939
before the war." Mangold may be implying that he was a closet member of
Hitler's Waffen SS.
What if I could prove to you that Condon wrote about an actual Warren
Commission interviewee approximately 5 years before the fact? This one
must have been very difficult to create because it took me a long time to
decipher it, but it points to someone who was even interviewed by the
Warren Commission's chairman, Earl Warren, as his special project. This
man vehemently opposed the school desegregation supreme court opinion of
1954: Brown vs. Board of Education of Topeka, Kansas and the Civil Rights
Act of 1964.
Suspend your tendency to disbelief for just a few moments...
"Miss Viola Narvilly, opera singer"
...is a PERFECT anagram for:
"Revilo P. Oliver, is an SS Girman aly"
Verify it for yourself. Each phrase contains the SAME letters.
Could it be possible that this is what was actually meant?
[ I deleted an immense amount of consistently similar drivel ]
[ at this point. Actually, I'm in on the conspiracy (can you ]
[ guess what "Johnny Rollerfeet" is an anagram for? no, then ]
[ try "shullbit"?), so I can't let you know all the truth. ]
Answers to three anagrams above:
1) Al Melvin as an anagram becomes "l Evil Man" or "One Evil Man"
2) Dr. Yen Lo an an anagram becomes "Only Red"
3) Bennet Arnold Marco becomes: "RM a Benedect Arnold" whoever
RM may be.
Ordering information for press and the media:
The manuscript contains almost 50,000 words and is well footnoted.
Order it today. Do not be the last person on the block to get it.
You are encouraged to cross post this article, completely intact,
if you believe that Democracy is being threatened by neo-Fascism.
Only by propagating this message can we mobilize any resources to
fight back at The Reich Wing who would reign in a totalitarian
way.
"JFK: The Final Solution"
- The Manchurian Candidate and the Richard Giesbrecht Incident.
80 single spaced pages printed using Word for Windows version 6.0
$20.00 includes domestic USA 1st Class Postage
$27.50 for US Postal Service Overnight Mail
$30.00 for UPS Next day air service
Add 10% for foreign destinations and 7% sales tax in R.I.
Master Card, Visa, Check or Money Orders only please
Citizens for Democracy
1800 Mineral Spring Avenue - Suite 306
North Providence, RI 02904
Email: pioneer@ids.com
Fax: 401-353-0666
Two independent manuscript reviews and extracts will be sent
sometime tomorrow to the entire list of media contacts
if there are enough email requests sent to us to that effect.
All of the original research and the references have been
archived with our publisher for anyone who wants to arrange
an actual examination or an inspection for verification.