Walla, walla, bing, bang.


Hola, Howdy, Aloha, Hi.  Firday night was a down night for me, but 
Saturday was pleasent with only one shock-a-roo (which is nothing 
like a kangaroo.)  I met a man(?) who actually had a chain that ran
from the collar on his neck, down around his member, and then clipped
back onto the collar on his neck.  Now, I'm taking his word for the
fact that it supported his Johnson, but I figure if a man is willing
to SAY something like that, odds are he'd actually DO it, too.

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Restaurant Review:  I finally made it to Romeo's on Barton Springs, here
in Austin.  It's bistro-decored Italian restaurant with a good date at-
mosphere.  The food was great!!!!  If you're into oven-baked pizzas, get
one of the ones with the carmalized red onions.  Mmmmmmm-Mmmmm!!!!

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[via the desk of elvis1@mail.texas.edu]
[this is an abbreviated version.  I'll try to put a full version ]
[ on the WU web page. ]

Worst Country-Western Titles:

 

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[via the desk of teo@eden.com]

GIVEN: BARNEY IS A CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR.

PROVE: BARNEY IS SATAN.

1) Let all U's become V's (like roman letters)

CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR.

2)Extract all roman numerals.

C V V L D I V

3) convert them into arabic numerals and add them up.

100+5+5+50+500+1+5 = 666, the number of the beast.

Thus Barney is SATAN.

QED.

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[I don't remember who sent this, but I think it was curt_gloyer@ccmail. ]
[ us.dell.com... ]

     The following is from the business section of The Kansas City Star, 
     Jan 17, 1995: 
     
     "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." 
     - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 
     
     
     "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked 
     with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a 
     fad that won't last out the year." 
     - The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 
     
     
     "But what ... is it good for?" 
     - Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of 
     IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. 
     
     
     "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." 
     - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of 
     Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 
     
     
     "Where a calculator like the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum 
     tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 
     vacuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons." 
     - Popular Mechanics, ca. 1947 

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[I don't remember who sent this either, but whoever it was probably ]
[ wouldn't want to wear a scarlett letter S(acrelidge), anyway. ]

Jesus/Elvis similarities:
     
Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor."  (Matthew 22:39) 
Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)
     
Jesus is the Lord's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.
     
Jesus was part of the Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.
     
Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)
     
Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. 
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
     
Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
     
Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37) 
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)
     
Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast)
     
Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)
Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)
     
Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew) 
Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)
     
"[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." 
(Matthew 28:3)
Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.
     
Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land. 
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.
     
Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception. 
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception 
High School.
     
Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still 
considered to be his foremost recordings.
     
Jesus was the lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.
     
Jesus' Father is everywhere.
Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.
     
Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.
     
Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.
     
Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.
     
No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for.
No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron".
     
Jesus is often depicted in pictures with a halo that looks like a gold plate. 
Elvis' face is often depicted on a plate with gold trim and sold through TV.
     
Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

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[this is _definitely_ from the desk of curt_gloyer@ccmail.us.dell.com ]

   Politically Correct Bedtime Stories 
   
   
   Little Red Riding Hood
   
   There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her
   mother on the edge of a large wood.  One day her mother asked her to 
   take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's 
   house -- not because this was woman's work, mind you, but because the 
   deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community.  
   Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full 
   physical and mental health and was fully capable of taking care of 
   herself as a mature adult.
   So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food through the
   woods.  Many people she knew believed that the forest was a foreboding 
   and dangerous place and never set foot in it.  Red Riding Hood, however, 
   was confident in her own budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian 
   imagery did not hinder her.
   On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a
   Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.  She replied, "Some 
   healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking 
   care of herself as a mature adult."
   The Wolf said, "You now, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl
   to walk through these woods alone."
   Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the
   extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an 
   outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your 
   own, entirely valid worldview.  Now, if you'll excuse, me I must be on 
   my way."
   Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path.  But, because his
   status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, 
   Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's 
   house.  He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid 
   course of action for a carnivore such as himself.  Then, unhampered by 
   rigid, traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put 
   on grandma's nightclothes and crawled into bed.
   Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have
   brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role 
   of a wise and nurturing matriarch."
   From the bed, the Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I
   might see you."
   Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically
   challenged as a bat.  Grandma, what big eyes you have."
   "They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."
   "Grandma, what a big nose you have -- only relatively, of course,
   and certainly attractive in its own way."
   "It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear." "Grandma, what big 
   teeth you have."
   The Wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am,"
   and leaped out of bed.  He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent 
   on devouring her.  Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the 
   Wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of his 
   willful invasion of her personal space.
   Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or
   log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called).  When he burst into 
   the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene.
   But as he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood and the Wolf both stopped.
   "And what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood.
   The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words
   came to him.
   "Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do
   your thinking for you," she said.  "Sexist] Speciesist]  How dare you 
   assume that women and wolves can't solve their own problems without a 
   man's help]"
   When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped out of the
   Wolf's mouth, took the woodchopper-person's ax, and cut his head off.  
   After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the Wolf felt a certain 
   commonality of purpose.  They decided to set up an alternative household 
   based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the 
   woods happily ever after.
   
   
   
   
   
   Three Pigs, Vertically Challenged
   
   Once there were three little pigs who lived together in mutual respect 
   and in harmony with their environment. Using materials that were 
   indigenous to the area, they each built a beautiful house. One pig built 
   a house of straw, one a house of sticks, and one a house of dung, clay, 
   and creeper vines shaped into bricks and baked in a small kiln. When 
   they were finished, the pigs were satisfied with their work and settled 
   back to live in peace and self-determination.
   
   But their idyll was soon shattered. One day, along came a big, bad wolf 
   with expansionist ideas. He saw the pigs and grew very hungry, in both a 
   physical and an ideological sense. When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran 
   into the house of straw. The wolf ran up to the house and banged on the 
   door, shouting, Little pigs, little pigs, let me in]"
   
   The pigs shouted back, "Your gunboat tactics hold no fear for pigs 
   defending their homes and culture."
   
   But the wolf wasn't to be denied what he thought was his manifest 
   destiny. So he huffed and puffed and blew down the house of straw. The 
   frightened pigs ran to the house of sticks, with the wolf in hot 
   pursuit. Where the house of straw had stood, other wolves bought up the 
   land and started a banana plantation.
   
   At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, 
   Little pigs, little pigs, let me in]"
   
   The pigs shouted back, "Go to hell, you carnivorous, imperialistic 
   oppressor]"
   
   At this, the wolf chuckled condescendingly. He thought to himself: "They 
   are so childlike in their ways. It will be a shame to see them go, but 
   progress cannot be stopped."
   
   So the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the house of sticks. The 
   pigs ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf close at their heels. 
   Where the house of sticks had stood, other wolves built a time-share 
   condo resort complex for vacationing wolves, with each unit a fiberglass 
   reconstruction of the house of sticks, as well as native curio shops, 
   snorkeling, and dolphin shows.
   
   At the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, 
   "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in]"
   
   This time in response, the pigs sang songs of solidarity and wrote 
   letters of protest to the United Nations.
   
   By now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs' refusal to see the 
   situation from the carnivore's point of view. So he huffed and puffed, 
   and huffed and puffed, then grabbed his chest and fell over dead from a 
   massive heart attack brought on from eating too many fatty foods.
   
   The three little pigs rejoiced that justice had triumphed and did a 
   little dance around the corpse of the wolf. Their next step was to 
   liberate their homeland. They gathered together a band of other pigs who 
   had been forced off their lands. This new brigade of porcinistas 
   attacked the resort complex with machine guns and rocket launchers and 
   slaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clear signal to the 
   rest of the hemisphere not to meddle in their internal affairs. Then the 
   pigs set up a model socialist democracy with free education, universal 
   health care, and affordable housing for everyone.
   
   
   Please note: The wolf in this story was a metaphorical construct. No 
   actual wolves were harmed in the writing of the story.