Walla, walla, bing, bang.
Hola, Howdy, Aloha, Hi. Firday night was a down night for me, but
Saturday was pleasent with only one shock-a-roo (which is nothing
like a kangaroo.) I met a man(?) who actually had a chain that ran
from the collar on his neck, down around his member, and then clipped
back onto the collar on his neck. Now, I'm taking his word for the
fact that it supported his Johnson, but I figure if a man is willing
to SAY something like that, odds are he'd actually DO it, too.
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Restaurant Review: I finally made it to Romeo's on Barton Springs, here
in Austin. It's bistro-decored Italian restaurant with a good date at-
mosphere. The food was great!!!! If you're into oven-baked pizzas, get
one of the ones with the carmalized red onions. Mmmmmmm-Mmmmm!!!!
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[via the desk of elvis1@mail.texas.edu]
[this is an abbreviated version. I'll try to put a full version ]
[ on the WU web page. ]
Worst Country-Western Titles:
- Do You Love As Good As You Look
- Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight?
- Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
- Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
- Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
- Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart
- Heaven's Just A Sin Away
- Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind
- Her Cheatin' Heart Made A Drunken Fool Out Of Me
- I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
- I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
- I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
- I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
- I Knew I'd Hit Rock Bottom When I Woke Up On Top Of Yew
- I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
- I May Be Used (But Baby I Ain't Used Up)
- I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
- I'm Not Married But The Wife Is
- If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me, Her Memory Will
- If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You
- If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
- Learning To Live Again Without You Is Killing Me
- Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
- May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose
- My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
- My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
- Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
- Please Bypass This Heart
- She Feels Like A New Man Tonight
- She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
- She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
- Tennis Must Be Your Racket 'Cause Love Means Nothin' To You
- Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
- The Last Word In Lonesome Is "me"
- Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
- What Made Milwaukee Famous (Has Made a Loser Out of Me)
- When We Get Back To the Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town)
- When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
- You Can't Deal Me All The Aces And Expect Me Not To Play
- You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
- You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
- You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
- You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me
- You May Put Me In Prison, But You Can't Keep My Face From Breakin' Out
- You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
- You're A Cross I Can't Bear
- You're Ruining My Bad Reputation
- You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
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[via the desk of teo@eden.com]
GIVEN: BARNEY IS A CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR.
PROVE: BARNEY IS SATAN.
1) Let all U's become V's (like roman letters)
CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR.
2)Extract all roman numerals.
C V V L D I V
3) convert them into arabic numerals and add them up.
100+5+5+50+500+1+5 = 666, the number of the beast.
Thus Barney is SATAN.
QED.
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[I don't remember who sent this, but I think it was curt_gloyer@ccmail. ]
[ us.dell.com... ]
The following is from the business section of The Kansas City Star,
Jan 17, 1995:
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked
with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a
fad that won't last out the year."
- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?"
- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of
IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of
Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"Where a calculator like the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum
tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000
vacuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons."
- Popular Mechanics, ca. 1947
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[I don't remember who sent this either, but whoever it was probably ]
[ wouldn't want to wear a scarlett letter S(acrelidge), anyway. ]
Jesus/Elvis similarities:
Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)
Jesus is the Lord's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.
Jesus was part of the Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.
Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)
Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37)
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)
Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast)
Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)
Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)
Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew)
Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)
"[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow."
(Matthew 28:3)
Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.
Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.
Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception
High School.
Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still
considered to be his foremost recordings.
Jesus was the lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.
Jesus' Father is everywhere.
Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.
Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.
Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.
Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.
No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for.
No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron".
Jesus is often depicted in pictures with a halo that looks like a gold plate.
Elvis' face is often depicted on a plate with gold trim and sold through TV.
Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
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[this is _definitely_ from the desk of curt_gloyer@ccmail.us.dell.com ]
Politically Correct Bedtime Stories
Little Red Riding Hood
There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her
mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to
take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's
house -- not because this was woman's work, mind you, but because the
deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community.
Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full
physical and mental health and was fully capable of taking care of
herself as a mature adult.
So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food through the
woods. Many people she knew believed that the forest was a foreboding
and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however,
was confident in her own budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian
imagery did not hinder her.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a
Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. She replied, "Some
healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking
care of herself as a mature adult."
The Wolf said, "You now, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl
to walk through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the
extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an
outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your
own, entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse, me I must be on
my way."
Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But, because his
status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear,
Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's
house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid
course of action for a carnivore such as himself. Then, unhampered by
rigid, traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put
on grandma's nightclothes and crawled into bed.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have
brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role
of a wise and nurturing matriarch."
From the bed, the Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I
might see you."
Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically
challenged as a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have."
"They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."
"Grandma, what a big nose you have -- only relatively, of course,
and certainly attractive in its own way."
"It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear." "Grandma, what big
teeth you have."
The Wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am,"
and leaped out of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent
on devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the
Wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of his
willful invasion of her personal space.
Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or
log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called). When he burst into
the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene.
But as he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood and the Wolf both stopped.
"And what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood.
The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words
came to him.
"Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do
your thinking for you," she said. "Sexist] Speciesist] How dare you
assume that women and wolves can't solve their own problems without a
man's help]"
When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped out of the
Wolf's mouth, took the woodchopper-person's ax, and cut his head off.
After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the Wolf felt a certain
commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an alternative household
based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the
woods happily ever after.
Three Pigs, Vertically Challenged
Once there were three little pigs who lived together in mutual respect
and in harmony with their environment. Using materials that were
indigenous to the area, they each built a beautiful house. One pig built
a house of straw, one a house of sticks, and one a house of dung, clay,
and creeper vines shaped into bricks and baked in a small kiln. When
they were finished, the pigs were satisfied with their work and settled
back to live in peace and self-determination.
But their idyll was soon shattered. One day, along came a big, bad wolf
with expansionist ideas. He saw the pigs and grew very hungry, in both a
physical and an ideological sense. When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran
into the house of straw. The wolf ran up to the house and banged on the
door, shouting, Little pigs, little pigs, let me in]"
The pigs shouted back, "Your gunboat tactics hold no fear for pigs
defending their homes and culture."
But the wolf wasn't to be denied what he thought was his manifest
destiny. So he huffed and puffed and blew down the house of straw. The
frightened pigs ran to the house of sticks, with the wolf in hot
pursuit. Where the house of straw had stood, other wolves bought up the
land and started a banana plantation.
At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted,
Little pigs, little pigs, let me in]"
The pigs shouted back, "Go to hell, you carnivorous, imperialistic
oppressor]"
At this, the wolf chuckled condescendingly. He thought to himself: "They
are so childlike in their ways. It will be a shame to see them go, but
progress cannot be stopped."
So the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the house of sticks. The
pigs ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf close at their heels.
Where the house of sticks had stood, other wolves built a time-share
condo resort complex for vacationing wolves, with each unit a fiberglass
reconstruction of the house of sticks, as well as native curio shops,
snorkeling, and dolphin shows.
At the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted,
"Little pigs, little pigs, let me in]"
This time in response, the pigs sang songs of solidarity and wrote
letters of protest to the United Nations.
By now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs' refusal to see the
situation from the carnivore's point of view. So he huffed and puffed,
and huffed and puffed, then grabbed his chest and fell over dead from a
massive heart attack brought on from eating too many fatty foods.
The three little pigs rejoiced that justice had triumphed and did a
little dance around the corpse of the wolf. Their next step was to
liberate their homeland. They gathered together a band of other pigs who
had been forced off their lands. This new brigade of porcinistas
attacked the resort complex with machine guns and rocket launchers and
slaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clear signal to the
rest of the hemisphere not to meddle in their internal affairs. Then the
pigs set up a model socialist democracy with free education, universal
health care, and affordable housing for everyone.
Please note: The wolf in this story was a metaphorical construct. No
actual wolves were harmed in the writing of the story.