free rehersal duffle
A big belated Happy Birthday to our resident Lack-of-Taste Advisor,
tankboy@eden.com. We spent a wild wacky Friday terrorizing the Austin
6th street club scene. (I won't say that tankboy got wasted, but there
was a point where he was incapable of operating an ATM...which was pro-
bably a good thing -- when you can't figure out how to get more cash
you shouldn't be allowed to buy any drinks.)
Also, a lot of driving my newly rebuilt (and amazingly expensive) engine
around and a coupla' movies with reviews to follow further in...
***********************************************************************toc
[ Table of Contents ]
7.1 The "lighter side of marriage". -humor- (ggibson@aztec.astate.edu)
7.2 Sat. Mornings Greatest Hits. -Review- (membryk@madison@vislab.com)
7.3 In a hurry?. -true humor- (mbuna@eden.com)
7.4 Dead Man Walking. -Review- (etrigan@eden.com)
7.5 Lame URLs. -URL- (membryk@madison.vislab.com)
7.6 Parodies. -URL- (membryk@madison.vislab.com)
7.7 Jimi Hendrix. -URL- (val@citi.doc.ca)
7.8 War of the Buttons. -review- (spike@io.com)
7.9 Sex after marriage. -humor- (co-worker)
7.10 Spell it out. -humor- (stavros@eden.com)
7.11 On-line fiction. -URL- (stavros@eden.com)
7.12 Suck article. -humor- (http://www.suck.com)
7.13 Don't Be A Menace. -review- (mjankows@beta.centenary.edu)
7.14 White trash collections. -poetry- (hwilliams@dvc.com)
7.15 tis the season. -URL- (kelly.mccollum@chronicle.com)
7.16 Paradise Cove. -???- (kelly.mccollum@chronicle.com)
***********************************************************************7.1
[ From GGIBSON@aztec.astate.edu comes ""THE "LIGHTER" SIDE OF MARRIAGE" ]
1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
2. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music
is over,
the strings are attached.
3. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an
institution for the blind.
4. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his
Bachelor's
Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
5. Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger
and two
under the man's eyes.
6. Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
7. Marriage is not just a having a wife but also worries
inherited forever.
8. Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :
- The Engagement Ring
- The Wedding Ring
- The Suffe-Ring
- The Endu-Ring
9. Married life is full of excitement and frustration :
- In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the
woman listens.
- In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
- In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS
listen.
10. It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an
eye-opener.
11. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant
with friends.
You order what you want, and when you see what the other
fellow has,
you wish you had ordered that.
12. It's true that all men are born free and equal - but some of
them get MARRIED!
13. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church
and found himself married. A year later he muttered
something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
14. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the
husband gives and the wife takes.
15. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
16. There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was
until I got married.... and then it was too late!"
17. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm
clock.
18. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before
marriage, it is
love; after marriage it is self-defence.
19. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when
a ten-year
married man looks happy, we wonder why.
20. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell
for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
***********************************************************************7.2
[ Several weeks ago I mentioned "Saturday Morning Cartoon's Greatest ]
[ Hits" and ala to membryk@madison.vislab.com we get a list of songs ]
[ and his opinion on it. ]
I just picked up the most killer cd of all time:
Sautrday Morning Cartoons' Greatest Hits
Here's a rundown of the tracks:
1) The Tra La La Song (One Banana, Two Banana)
(from The Banana Splits Adventure Hour)
Liz Phair w/Material Issue
2) Go Speed Racer Go
(from Speed Racer)
Sponge
3) Sugar Sugar
(from The Archie Show)
Mary Lou Lord w/Semisonic
4) Scooby-Doo, Where are you?
Matthew Sweet
5) Josie and the Pussycats
Juliana Hatfield and Tanya Donelly
6) The Bugaloos
Collective Soul
7) Underdog
Butthole Surfers
8) Gigantor
Helmet
9) Spider-Man
Ramones
10) Jonny Quest / Stop that Pigeon
(from Dastardly and Muttley in their Flying Machines)
Revered Horton Heat
11) Open Up Your Heart And Let The Sun Shine In
(from The Flintstones)
Frente!
12) Eep Opp Ork Ah-Ah (Means I Love You)
(from The Jetsons)
Violent Feemes
13) Fat Albert Theme
(from Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids)
Dig
14) I'm Popeye the Sailor Man
face to face
15) Friends / Sigmund and the Seamonsters
(from Sigmund and the Seamonsters)
Tripping Daisy
16) Goolie Get-Together
(from The Groovie Goolies)
Toadies
17) Hong Kong Phooey
Sublime
18) H.R. Pufnstuff
The Murmurs
19) Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy
(from The Ren and Stimpy Show)
Wax
This is great. Track #17 is a great ska/reggae cover..probably the
best on the album!
I recommend this one to everyone!
***********************************************************************7.3
[ mbuna@eden.com (the fish man, himself) sent me this News of the WUeird ]
A snippet spotted in Pilot Magazine and entered in Bike Magazine:
The article was entitled "In a hurry are we, sir?" ( British Police Wit).
Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the
Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in
apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly
locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph.
The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier
hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to
their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat
chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have
been more severe. The Harrier's target-seeker had locked on to
the'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface
missile attack. Luckily(?) the Harrier was operating unarmed. *****
Gee Officer, sorry about your patrol car........
***********************************************************************7.4
Review: Dead Man Walking
Before I get into the movie, let's talk about the music. The sound track
features Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan doing what may be the best soundtrack since
Peter Gabriel's "The Last Temptation of Christ". (Even if your right-wing
religious, "Last Temptation" should be in your CD collection.) There will
be many comparisons between these albums and it's not a coincidence that
Peter Gabriel is thanked in the movie credits and on the soundtrack cover.
As for the movie: Intense! Tim Robbins is coming into his right as a di-
rector and this movie is nigh perfect. This is only the third movie I've
seen which gives a true representation of the south.
Sean Penn plays a convicted murderer on death row at Angola who pleas
with a South Louisiana nun to help him through the appeals processes in
his final days. Sean Penn does a fantabulous job (but since he's psycho
anyway, it wasn't a stretch).
This isn't a happy movie by any means, but it's well worth Full Price.
***********************************************************************7.5
[ membryk@madison.vislab.com gets lamer of the WU award for this week ]
[ by sending me several URLs of absolutely awful content. ]
http://www.jayi.com/jayi/Fishnet/StreetSpeak/SSdata.html
Street Speak, pretty cool. I added about 8 words today!
[ If you need a guide to tell you what's cool to say (and this would ]
[ include anything from Wired) then you aren't cool, and you would be ]
[ a lot cooler if you'd just give up and say what's in your head. ]
http://linex.com/~donham/corpspeak.html
[ see last comment, but apply to business. ]
Tokyo Weekender
http://www.cyber.ad.jp:80/~weekendr/
[ Here's the on-line magazine for people who spend their weekends in ]
[ Tokyo. Anyone? ]
http://vr-atlantis.com/
[ Ok, this isn't too bad, but they're a tad stuck on themselves. ]
http://linex.com/~donham/8ball.html
The Magic Infinity Ball!
[ and the Magic 8-ball turned on it's side... flip a coin -- don't ]
[ waste precious bandwidth. ]
***********************************************************************7.6
[ Ok, to be fair to membryk@madison.vislab.com he did send this good ]
[ list of URL parodies. ]
With all of the fame and fortune going to web sites, it was only a
matter of time that they would be parodied.
I've included the TRUE URL as well as the parodies. I think Petscape
takes the cake this time around.
Netscape: (www.netscape.com)
http://www.hisurf.com/petscape/
Yahoo: (www.yahoo.com)
http://www.yeeeoww.com/yecch/yecchhome.html
http://efg.mit.edu/
http://www.contrib.andrew.cmu.edu/~sc5x/yankovic.html
Hotwired: (www.hotwired.com)
http://www.covesoft.com/underwired/notwired.html
Suck (www.suck.com)
http://www.exclamation.com/blow/
http://www.stardot.com/~lukeseem/suck/
http://pomo.nbn.com/ibn/dpolice/suck.html
[ And if you can get their server to respond (they've been down for ]
[ the past few days) you may want to see a great parody of Dilbert at ]
[ http://www.cafe22.com/dilbert/thedilberthole/ (this is not for the ]
[ faint of heart or easily offended.) ]
***********************************************************************7.7
[ val@citi.doc.ca wrote to tell me about his website: ]
http://macval.citi.doc.ca/Hdrix-Wind-cries-Mary/Hdrix-Wind_cries_Mary is
reviving an almost forgotten hit "The Wind cries Mary", that along with
"Remember" and "Manic depression" are in a class apart among Jimi
Hendrix's repertoire. The article do analise the song and its classical
structure using sound segments as exemplifications. The site contains
also other articles about music and sound in the web context.
[ This is a good application of the Web, but a less-than marketable ]
[ document (good content -- bad form). ]
***********************************************************************7.8
Review: War of the Buttons (by spike@io.com)
I expected this movie to be another Lord of the Flies. Jesus, was I off
base. It's a charming, endearing, entertaining story about two towns in
Ireland and what the kids there do to occupy their free time, lacking
Nintendo. The promo I read in the Austin Chronicle on the Web
(http://www.auschron.com/current/screens.film.html#THEWAROFTHEBUTTONS)
says the children turned in better performances than the adults, and they
were right. Unfortunate, since there are some decent actors here (in-
cluding Col Meany, who, as we all know, is in every film about Ireland).
The conflict is pretty traditional: the kids from the more prosperous
town (and I probably couldn't recall the name of either, even if they
weren't Gaelic) in their spiffy school uniforms belittle the ragamuffins
from the other side of the river. (Naturally, you're supposed to root for
the ragamuffins.) This escalates into all-out war. The sides meet and do
battle with switches and slingshots, and prisoners of war are sent
packing, after taking the buttons from their clothes as trophies -- hence
the title. There's a subplot about a wicked stepfather, but it's kind of
unfocused (like this review). Mostly, the movie is about how utterly
stupid and (aha!) childish war is -- but it's not a message that gets
crammed down your throat, and is easily lost. Taken on its own merits,
though, a fun and entertaining flick, worth at least matinee prices.
***********************************************************************7.9
[ A co-worker sent me this jewel of a joke... ]
To My Dear Wife:
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I
have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every 10 days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
1. The Sheets are Clean.................................54 times
2. It's too late........................................17 times
3. I'm too tired........................................49 times
4. It's too early.......................................20 times
5. It's too hot.........................................15 times
6. Pretending to be asleep..............................15 times
7. The neighbors will hear us........................... 3 times
8. Headache.............................................22 times
9. Sunburn.............................................. 7 times
10. Your mother will hear us............................. 9 times
11. Not in the mood......................................43 times
12. You will wake the baby...............................17 times
13. Watching the late show............................... 6 times
14. New hairdo........................................... 5 times
15. Too sore.............................................16 times
16. Wrong time of the month..............................12 times
17. Have to get up early.................................19 times
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that
there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and
get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had
finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you
move.
To MY Dear Husband:
I think you have gotten things a little confused, here are the real
reasons you did not get more than you did.
1. Came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat............ 5 times
2. Did not come home at all.............................36 times
3. Did not come.........................................21 times
4. Came too soon........................................33 times
5. Went soft before you got it in.......................19 times
6. Toes in a cramp......................................10 times
7. Working too late.....................................38 times
8. Have to get up early to play golf....................29 times
9. In a fight & someone kicked you in the balls......... 2 times
10. Caught it in your zipper............................. 4 times
11. Got a cold & your nose kept running.................. 3 times
12. Your coffee was too hot & you burned your tongue..... 3 times
13. You had a splinter in your finger.................... 2 times
14. Lost the notion after thinking about it all day......20 times
15. Came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book...... 6 times
16. Too busy watching football on TV.....................98 times
Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because
you missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the
crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you prefer me on my
back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted
and I was trying to breathe.
**********************************************************************7.10
[ ...and then stavros@eden.com sent me this one. ]
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage
in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their
conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one
of the men say the following; "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses,
they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country
we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa to
spella Mississippi."
**********************************************************************7.11
[ Also from stavros@eden.com, is a few URLs and descriptions for some ]
[ great on-line fiction. ]
Club SALSA
----------
Series Drama with 24 episodes to be made throughout the year.
Illustrated by:
David McKean
- Rolling Stones' "Voodoo Lounge"
- "Cages" (graphic novel)
Neil Gaiman
- "Sandman"
http://www.salsa.walldata.com/story/
[ Dave McKean and Neil Gaiman are well known for being the main con- ]
[ tributors to the DC/Vertigo Comic "The Sandman". ]
Dark Carnival on-line
---------------------
An interesting conglomorate of fiction/features/reviews.
Excellent writing, but a little "wordy" for the 'net.
http://www.darkcarnival.com/
**********************************************************************7.12
[ I couldn't help but include this article from the almighty Suckers ]
[ (http://www.suck.com/dynasuck/96/02/05/). It's a bit crude in the ]
[ satire, but it had me rolling on the floor. Since the links are ]
[ missing, the discussion is about www.tampax.com (and almost of this ]
[ is made up.) ]
"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 5 February 1996. Updated every weekday.
Cramping Our Style
An almost inherent giggle factor
inhibits any serious discussion
of Tampax's tampax.com, but
that's OK - the site is
laughable in its own rite. From
the quaint suggestion that
teachers make a "class
collection" of menstruation
stories (we'd like to see that
diorama) to the brand history
which celebrates Tampax's
introduction as a "new day for
womanhood," tampax.com's
intention is to create a
worldview in which Tampax isn't
just the cotton and string, but
actually some kind of benevolent
idol, complete with shrine and a
passel of acolytes. With so much
clotted self-importance floating
around, is it any wonder we got
cramps?
While various cultural taboos
have kept advertising for
feminine hygiene products to a
comfortable minimum - we can
only pray that presidential
campaign spots will soon suffer
a similar fate - we're astounded
that it's taken this long for
Tampax to capitalize on its
unique position. Let's face it -
Coke, Werther's Originals, and
Major League Baseball have
expended millions of advertising
dollars to create the illusion
that their products are part of
some mystical rite of passage.
No one doubts this about Tampax.
Small Wonder, a kind of brand
hagiography, inserts the product
firmly into the body of American
history. Though we were
impressed by the numerous
advertising innovations - Tampax
were one of the first companies
to really capitalize on the
influence of the American
Medical Association - Small
Wonder has the faint reek of
missed opportunities. Where, for
instance, was the wartime
slogan: "Though he can't be
there, Tampax can."
The challenge, of course, is to
pack the tampon propaganda in
enough cottony-soft language
that it falls gently into the
laps of preteen and parental
audiences, without abstracting
the issues to the point of total
confusion. Such obfuscation is
hardly unusual. After all, no
one can safely avoid the crime
of having biological functions
without an adequate arsenal of
"sanitary" products to assure
the omnipresent goal of
"discretion." But headings like
"Understanding Stuff" only call
even more attention to the
slippery nature of the topic at
hand. Such laughable
pussy-footing as "Mom, do you
ever feel, I don't know,
not-so-fresh?" somehow failed to
render douching a standard
practice among copulating
females.
Troom, a "private" place modeled
after a preteen girl's bedroom,
borders on the surreal with its
appropriation of teen-speak: "I
was a confused puppy!" This
awkward impersonation of a
child's voice, far from moving
discussion of menstruation any
closer to the culturally or
socially acceptable, just gives
Aunt Flo the same Janus face
she's always had: shamefaced on
the one side, tittering on the
other. Indeed, Tampax's smooth
assurance that an applicator
means "there's no need to touch
the tampon when it's being
inserted" contrasts jarringly
with the suggestion that young
women make dolls out of them.
We found the Cool Tunes section
just as sweetly naive. Written
(we assume) for the pre-menarche
crowd, the prose, flattering the
likes of Natalie Merchant and
Oasis, flows spottily,
interrupted by fluffy
exclamations and clogged by an
apparent confusion between
personal taste and personal
history. The style conjures
images of a teen bot programmed
by a team of Sony promotional
reps and Gina Arnold. But if
Tina's gushing verbiage weren't
enough to make us reach for the
Pamprin, we were sorely
disappointed by tampax.com's
refusal to plug some more
genuinely pro-menstruation
tunes. Where, for instance, was
the review of Urge Overkill's
Saturation, featuring the hit
single "Positive Bleeding"?
The site may make up for this
slight hole in its coverage with
a page on toxic shock syndrome -
just what the doctor ordered
after spending some time with
Tampax. That feeling of light
headedness, we're told, can be
effectively treated - we just
have to get off the rag.
Although we're glad that we
could rely on Tampax.
courtesy of Ann O'Tate
**********************************************************************7.13
[ mjankows@beta.centenary.edu sends us his review of: ]
_Don't be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood_
This is a great parody of some of the finest black awareness movies
released in the last 5 years. The movie stars Marlon and Damon Wayons of
_In Living Color Fame_. There is also a very comedic support team. The
movie follows the lives of Ash Tre and his cousin, who of course live in
South Central Los Angeles. The plot flows and parodies many movies with
an unequaled quickness. You jump from one to another in a matter of
seconds, only seperated by laughs. If you plan on watching this movie,
might I suggest that the night before you get geared up by sitting back
with a couple 40's of O.E. and watch a couple of the actual moives being
parodied, such as _Menace II Society_, _Boyz in Tha Hood_, _Juice_, and
_New Jack City_. This will prepare you for the fun of comedy, and it
makes a nice night in itself. I enjoyed the movie and give it 3 whities
in Watts on a Saturday afternoon.
**********************************************************************7.14
[ A non-subscriber, hwilliams@dvc.com, sent me this. No comment. ]
I have written a collection of poems from the white trash persepective.
Here are two of them:
Difference
The
difference
between
K-Mart
and Wal-Mart
is that you save
your K-Mart
clothes
for church
Fun
For fun
when I was
about
seven
I'd sneak
around
the trailer and
look in my sister`s
window
and watch
when
Daddy was
in there
**********************************************************************7.15
[ The kMc (Kelly.McCollum@chronicle.com) is in the true spirit of the ]
[ of the season! What season you ask?... ]
The Internet rules.
I just ordered five boxes of Samoas to be delivered right to my
cubicle without taking my hands off this keyboard.
http://cookies.openmarket.com/GSstore/
**********************************************************************7.16
[ I'd like to send this last piece out to everyone who thought their ]
[ parents treated them bad. Kelly.McCollum@chronicle.com says: ]
Can we say "White Slave Trade"?
[ and I hope his jest is just that, a jest...but you have to wonder: ]
Paradise Cove
(http://www.vpp.com/teenhelp/pc.html)
Paradise Cove is an effective program for boys who
are struggling in their home, school, or community.
This program is specifically designed to help boys
replace inappropriate attitudes, behaviors, and habits
with those that are productive. Paradise Cove is
located in the South Pacific at a remote private beach
facility on the tropical island of Samoa. The boys live
in authentic grass huts and have an opportunity to
gain appreciation for some of the things they have
been taking for granted at home.
The program consists of several key components.
First an effective behavior modification program in
which the boys participate in daily personal
development courses that may include group therapy,
workshops, and a series of personal growth
audio/video tapes.
Second, an extremely progressive academic program
in which boys can complete school work and earn
credits through an individual study course accredited
in the United States. The curriculum is competency
based which allows students to work at their own
pace and maximize the learning process.
Third, behavior modification in a controlled
environment including a very highly structured daily
schedule.
Fourth a series of highly motivational, emotional
growth seminars called TASKS. In the TASK
seminar boys work on specific issues such as:
accountability, honesty, responsible decision making,
integrity, trust, anger, and especially self-esteem.
Fifth the benefits of a foreign site. Samoa is a perfect
place for teens to sort out their lives and make a new
beginning. The setting is beautiful, tranquil, and
conducive for change. The Samoan people are well
known for their strong family emphasis, respect for
authority, and genuine care for others. This is
carried over into the program and the boys are able
to see things from a new perspective. When students
are put into a new culture and environment they are
often much more open to change and direction. A
foreign experience helps to broaden the boys9 insight,
awareness, and perspective. A foreign setting instills
a greater appreciation for home and family and
provides some opportunities for growth that cannot
otherwise be duplicated.
The sixth component is a physical fitness program
implemented twice daily. But there is also time for
fun and recreation. The Beach facility and its setting
provide some unique opportunities for swimming,
snorkeling, fishing, all kinds of sports, sightseeing,
and other recreation. This fits into the Samoan way;
working hard but also playing hard. Through this
combination of Physical Fitness, Behavior
Modification, Accredited Academics and Emotional
Growth Programs, the students are required to begin
to become accountable for themselves emotionally,
mentally, and physically. Once a student becomes
accountable in all these different areas, true self
esteem begins to be acquired. With true self esteem
comes restructuring of values, attitudes, and
behaviors that makes it possible for the students to
function successfully in both the family and society.
The daily structure provides the catalyst for the boys
to develop positive habits. Positive habits not only
create success but allows these boys to feel better
about themselves. Once this appropriate self esteem
is internalized each boy will become what we call
internally motivated. This means he will want to do
the right things for the right reasons, not because
you or we desire him to, but because he wants to,
having experienced the positive benefits for himself.
Working with the parents is a key component to the
success of the program. Families have frequent
phone contact and participate in a series of therapeutic
seminars similar to those that the child participates in
to give the parents better communication and skills in
dealing with their son when he returns home.
For more information, please call 800-637-0701.