the weight of the transmission
...flailing computers...entire co-worker team absent...broken timing belt
possibly leading to major -$$$...if I were as personal (and full of things
to say) as Greg Knauss (http://www.etext.org/Zines/EOD/) this would be one
long bitch session...
I'll have the smiles, please...and a bi-carbonate of soda.
**************************************************************************
[ Sparse drum beat building up to a pounding rock-n-roll crescendo. ]
Narrarator: To millions of fans around the world,...
he's a living legend.
If you've never seen him before,...
you've never seen action.
New Line Cinema presents the action hero who does all his
own stunts.
[ Shot of man leaping from roof of one building across a 25 foot gap ]
[ onto the fire escape of the next building... ]
Narrarator: Jackie Chan.
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Prepare for the 1996 movie onslaught from Johnny Rollerfeet. The first
wave may just be the most over-powering. Jackie Chan is finally coming
to America for a full-length, full-release motion picture. The man acts,
directs, does his own stunts, but he's smart enough to film a movie based
in New York in Vancouver, Canada.
Forget the over-fed, steroid-swallowing, thick-tounged action heroes from
the Western Culture Movie Machine(tm). Arnold, Jean-Claude, Segall, and
even Pierce Brosnan will have to give everything up for Jackie Chan.
http://199.45.66.202/9408/Hllyeast.html is an article on why Hong Kong
movie moguls are beginning to film outside of their country and are
looking for a foothold in America. With the Oscar nominated "Farewell, My
Concubine", Oriental movies are being publicly recognized as "art" movies
and are showing American Movies for the sap that they are, but "Rumble in
the Bronx" will be the movie to take the Oriental film industry into the
American market for Action/Adventure.
Watch for "Rumble in the Bronx" in your town soon.
That is all...for now...
**************************************************************************
[ From kmembry@greenmtns.com...who is living under several aliases... ]
[ sent us a URL for "...foreign language conversions, very cool!" ]
http://www.travlang.com/languages/
[ the site has this to say about Esperanto "...Esperanto: the famous ]
[ UNESCO-resolutioned planned language - Active fluency in the neutral ]
[ international language Esperanto can be achieved in a reasonably ]
[ short period of time, thanks to its extremely regular and very easy ]
[ to learn grammar. In addition, the language is considered by many to ]
[ possess admirable power, flexibility and beauty. Esperanto aims to ]
[ promote and protect linguistic cultural diversity, and to provide a ]
[ low-cost high-quality trans-Babel communication medium by acting as ]
[ the dialect-free international auxiliary language." and then it ]
[ goes on to give you Esperanto lessons! ]
**************************************************************************
[ Gordo (GGIBSON@aztec.astate.edu) sent me this narative about his ]
[ efforts of "Stickin' it to the man...." ]
Ahhhhh, Yeahhhhh! In preparation for leaving on another debate
trip, I was downstairs in the laundry room beginning the arduous task
of washing clothes...afterall, that is what a laundry room is for and
I sure wouldn't be there to play a round of golf....too small.
Anyway, a "brother" (and I mean that in the most respectful of ways)
walked up as I was beginning my first load, and said, "Hey, wanna
save a dollar?" (It costs a dollar to wash) I replied, "Hell yes."
He then began to show me how to stick it to the man by slipping his
license in the slot where you push the quarters in. Ahhhhh Yeahhhh!
I now know one more way to stick it to THE MAN. I immediately sang
his praise and thanked him with all my might. Doc, James, Candi,
Sanchez, Andrew, Carrie, or whoever is in the 'Port, would you please
deliver this to Mr. Trey LaBorde so that he can revel in my
accomplishment? Thank you...
**************************************************************************
[ Also from kmembry@greenmtns.com (and just a tad late since the event ]
[ is over, but you can still get old info.) ]
http://www.mediazones.com/care/sound.html
Hear (via Real Audio) LIVE (satellite link Mt. Killemanjaro to
Seattle) or archived (earlier days) talks between Progressive Networks
HQ and CARE (a group climbing Mt. Killemanjaro in Africa)
very cool. This is what the internet is all about, seeing (or hearing
in this case) things happening live across the world!
**************************************************************************
I may have reviewed this page in the past, but it was mentioned in a
recent issue of Suck (http://www.suck.com), so I thought I'd bring it to
everyone's attention again.
The Andy Kaufman Home Page
http://fly.hiwaay.net/~bkm/akhome.htm
"Goofing on Elvis: The Short and Extraordinary Life of Andy Kaufman"
If you don't know much about Andy Kaufman, then this is a great place to
find out about on of the funniest performance artists America's produced.
If you already know Andy, this page will tell you even more about him.
**************************************************************************
[ Here's another e-mail address from membryk@madison.vislab.com, and ]
[ along with it he lets us know about a "really weird DNA library." ]
I "stumbled" upon a DNA clone library
http://www.atcg.com/aguide/library/lib_list.htm
they have everything (including human)!!!
**************************************************************************
[ Fellow co-worker The Lump (lumpy@fc.net]) gave us this (almost) ]
[ useful bit of data that he found on the net. ]
Easy mass emailings to Govt. of Ontario and others....
Courtesy of Dr. Joe Baptista and Planet Communications and Computing
Facility, you can now easily mass email via the PCCF listserv. Just send
your messages to the following addresses in order to reach the indicated
groups:
FDR-POL@JEFFM1.TOR.SERVTECH.COM
Redistributes your message to all Govt. of Germany politicians
that we know of to date
GOVONCA@EARTH.ORG
Redistributes your message to all Govt. of Ontario staff (listings
as provided by Management Board Secretariat)
MEDIA-ANNOUNCE@EARTH.ORG
Redistributes your message to worldwide media (print and electronic)
US-SENATE-HR@EARTH.ORG
Redistributes your message to all U.S. Federal Senators
**************************************************************************
Review: Mr. Holland's Opus
I had grave feelings of dread during the opening scene of this movie. It
started off feeling like an After-School Special. If you're a musician,
you might want to avoid this movie. The "original" pieces "composed by
Mr. Holland" are some of the most dreadful orchestral pieces I've heard
ever. Even Johnny Rotten couldn't write something that dreadful. If you
are simply a music lover (and can ignore the opening and closing music),
the movie covers a lot of musical history from the 60's to the late 70's
and this is one of the good things about the film.
Another good thing about the film is the section featuring "the MCI girl"
(whose real name is Jean Louisa Kelly). You remember her: "AT&T, are
you out there...we put it in writing. Sorry, AT&T." I'm a diehard AT&T
customer, but I'd switch for one candle-light dinner with this blue-eyed
golden-throated curly-haired Aphrodite. Ok, I've stopped talking about
the movie...
The acting was so great at times that I cried. It's got many flaws, but
is well worth matinee prices. Richard Dreyfuss, Glenne Headly, and
Anthony Natale do a superb job of bringing the tears out. (Now, if only
they could have had a decent composer do the music.)
**************************************************************************
[ "That Girl" (CYNSMITH@utxvms.cc.utexas.edu) backs me up on one of my ]
[ favorite edible passions. Unfortunately, I think she may be getting ]
[ addicted. (KMC: We need to get the Twang support group together.) ]
"everybody wants to be naked and famous"
This weekend, while on my trek to Schulenberg, Texas (which is a story
entirely separate from this one) I discovered a new convenience store
food. Actually, I discovered TWO. First, I have to thank you, johnny, for
introducing me to the tantalizing taste treat that is TWANG. I love it,
but for some reason the s'leven next to campus charges something like ten
cents a packet, which even I can recognize as a ripoff. At the bait shop
in Schulenberg, I found Lymon, which is a ripoff of both TWANG and those
old Sprite adds. It is fifty cents, tastes just like Twang, and comes in
this nifty container that resembles a miniature Comet can that opens and
closes! How convenient! Goes well with tequila or BIG RED, your choice.
Next, I bought a can of Jerky Chaw, which you may have seen. It is
shredded beef jerky that comes in a tobacco can! You can put it in your
cheek, just like a real hick! It is vastly appropriate for sitting in a
rocking chair on the front porch, shooting guns and drinking beer (not
that i actually did any of those things simultaneously...) Anyway, there
you have it. Only salt-lovers should partake of either of these products.
-cynthia
**************************************************************************
WARNING: The rest of the WU contains a lot of really tasteless, and
occasionally dreadful humor. I don't usually warn my readers about this
kind of thing, but I got more adult humor this week then a Mad Magazine.
You were warned.
**************************************************************************
[ Gordo (ggibson@aztec.astate.edu) sent me this. I've only included ]
[ first 10, but you can find the rest at the URL below. ]
http://www.afn.org/~vaxu/Stuff/Humor/dont.say.during.sex.txt
101 Things NOT to say during sex
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
**************************************************************************
[ Again from Gordo (GGIBSON@aztec.astate.edu). ]
A depressed young woman from a Manhattan finishing school was so
desperate
that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the
ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor
noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot
to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can
stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food
every day."
"Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and
added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded. What did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the
captain.
"What are you doing here?" he asked.
"I had an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's
taking me to Europe, and every night he came and screwed me."
"He sure did, lady," said the captain. "This is the Staten Island
Ferry."
**************************************************************************
[ You would think that Gordo (GGIBSON@aztec.astate.edu) has nothing ]
[ better to do than re-send the dirty jokes he gets in his Inbox. ]
[ I have it on good faith, though, that he actually goes to school. ]
This man is walking down the street one day and see's this beautiful bird
in the window. So, he walks inside and insists that he must have this
bird right away. So, the owner agrees and sells him the bird but has he's
walking out the door he advises the gentleman that it's correct name is a
pullet.
So, the man is walking down the street with his pullet under his arm
enjoying the afternoon. Soon the man ventures onto another pet store
where he sees this rooster in the window. This rooster was the most
beautiful bird he ever saw so he went inside and insisted that he must
have the rooster right away. Well, the shop owner sold the gentleman the
bird but advised him that it's correct name was a cock.
So the man walks out of the shop with the cock under one arm and the
pullet under the other arm. As he's walking down the street and see's
this older man walking a donkey and suddenly the donky sits down on the
sidewalk. The old man looks at the donkey and starts cursing it saying
that he wish he never had that stupid animal and he would give anything to
get rid of it. So, the man with the cock and pullet saw the difficulties
that this older man was experiencing and offered to take it off his hands.
Well, the older man was more than happy go give it away. But before the
man with the birds took off, the old man said, "If he sits down on you,
you simply go behind it and scratch it's back and then it will stand up
and start walking." "Oh and also, the correct name is not a donkey, you
call it an ass."
So, the younger man agreed, walked off with the ass, and the pullet and
cock under each arm. Well, the younger man approches a bus stop where
suddenly the ass sits down in the middle of the sidewalk. So, the younger
man looks around and sees a sweet old lady and asks, "Excuse me miss,
would mind if you held my cock and pullet to while I bend over and scratch
my ass?"
**************************************************************************
[ Finally, the old tankboy@eden.com is back. Here's his current ]
[ tasteless tantilizer. ]
Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St.
Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's
only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets
in.
St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to
heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most
perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to
see them every day for eternity."
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her
skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up,
and douches with it.
St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day."
Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of
God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets
in and I don't?!!!"
"Sorry, Dolly, but a royal flush beats a pair any day."
**************************************************************************
[ stavros@eden.com, despite his usual tact, sent this one in. ]
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his
porch with his dog:
Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
Rancher: That dog don't talk!
Cowboy: Hey dog, how's it going?
Dog: Doin' alright.
Rancher:
Cowboy: Is this your owner?
Dog: Yep
Cowboy: How's he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great
food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.
Rancher:
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?
Rancher: Horses don't talk!
Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going?
Horse: Cool.
Rancher:
Cowboy: Is this your owner?
Horse: Yep
Cowboy: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to
protect me from the elements.
Rancher:
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?
Rancher: From a co-worker: "A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder.
He sits down at the bar and the monkey jumps off, runs to the pool
table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole. The bartender freaks
but the monkey's owner calms him down and explains "he eats anything
he can get his hands on; I'll bring your ball back when he's through
with it." Two weeks later the guy comes in with the monkey on his
shoulder again and hands the bartender the cue ball - polished clean.
The monkey jumps off the mans shoulder, runs to the peanut bowl, grabs
a peanut, shoves it up his ass and then swallows it. The bartender,
disgusted beyond belief, freaks again. The monkey's owner calms him
down and explains "he just wants to make sure it'll fit when it comes
out this time."
**************************************************************************
[ This one is _really_ bad, but since the person who sent it to me is ]
[ not net.literate (and only barely e-mail literate) she can't be ]
[ embarassed that I included it this week. ]
THE POOPIE LIST
Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie comes out, but
there's no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the
toilet, but there's nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it
still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper
between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them
with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie- It happens when your done poopie-ing, and
you have pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize
you have to poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind where you strain
so much to get it out, you almost have a stroke.
Richard Simmons Poopie- You poopie so much you lose 30 pounds.
Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're
afraid to flush without breaking it up into little pieces
with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy everyone within earshot is giggling.
Drinker Poopie- The kind of poopie you have the morning after a
long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the
treadmarks on the bottom of the toilet.
Corn Poopie- Self Explanatory!
Gee, I Wish I Could Poopie, Poopie- It's the kind where you
want to poopie real bad, but all you do is sit, cramp,
and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so bad coming out, you'd
swear it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)- The kind that comes out of
your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of
your butt and splatters all over the toilet.
Mexican Food Poopie- It smells so bad the room is condemned.
Upper Class Poopie- The kind that thinks their poopie doesn't stink.
Fisherman's Bobber Poopie- That's the kind where you're in the
public restroom, and there are two people waiting for your
stall. You poopie and flush two times, but several
golfball-sized pieces are still floating on the water.
I Just Found My Pee-Pee Poopie- The kind where a young teenage
boy goes into the bathroom with the new Victoria's Secret
catalog, and comes out 10 minutes later without flushing the
toilet.
The VanGough Poopie- That's where after you poopie, you are
shocked to see all the different colors in your poopie, and
try to figure out what you ate to do it again.
The Show-And-Tell Poopie- You're so impressed with you own
poopie, you leave it in the bowl so all your friends
can appreciate it too.
Half Poopie- That's the kind that breaks off too soon, so half
falls in to bowl and half stays hanging........
( a.k.a....The Wipers Nightmare)
Suprise Poopie- That's when your in public and you think you have
to fart, but you get a suprise poopie as a bonus.
Paralyzing Poopie- When you're sitting poopie-ing so long
your legs fall asleep.
He Just Poopied, Poopie- When you get done poopie-ing, you put
your shorts back on and go out in public with those
identifying bright red pressure circle on the back of
your legs for all to see.