Rose Colored Tumblers.
This past week I came into a very small sum of money and like the money-
smart person I am I've put into a nice fund to mature.
<KRAK-a-BOOOM!> <...sizzle...>
O.K., we should all know better. I rushed out and bought the hottest
Home Video Game Sytem on the market: the SONY PLAYSTATION (often referred
to as the "PSX") and the (so far) best fighting game for the PSX: TEKKEN.
I also worshipped in the blessed bowels of the basilica Blockbuster and
came away with "Gex" and "Jumping Flash".
Let's say that my weekend was spent doing the fruitful ventures of de-
livering myself, in the form of a smart-ass gecko, from the evil clutches
of "Rez"; Jumping flea-like on the tops of frogs, giraffes, and other
henchmen who'd taken the major cities of my (heretofore) quiet pleasent
planet into space; AND kicking some serious cross-cultural butt with
feats of fantastic 3D rendered gymnastics and martial arts.
Maybe this weekend I should get out more.
**************************************************************************
[ From membryk@madison.vislab.com (isn't this an even NEWER email ]
[ address..) ]
Gee, I thought my handle of "Liquid Squid" was good, I found a company
in the Internic Internet Registrations:
Puffy Puppy Productions (PUFFYPUPPY-DOM)
Guess I was "one-upped"!
[ If you are interesed in seeing what companies have registered ]
[ to be on the internet try looking at the home of the folks who ]
[ mangage the monstorous list -> http://www.rs.internic.net/ ]
**************************************************************************
[ Much worship should go to David Letterman for bringing "the List" ]
[ to the staples of comedy. GGIBSON@aztec.astate.edu sends us this ]
[ list of things he wishes he had the cajones to try on his profs. ]
25 Ways To Confuse Your Professors:
1. Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if
you have a question, and mumble your question incoherantly while
brushing, spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor
objects to your actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.
2. Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far
away from your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing, shout
out things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!" If your
professor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you
can't because you're scouting the room for "assassins."
3. If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and
bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock.
Wear your pajamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and
the blankets and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about
two minutes into class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly,
hit the "snooze" button and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the
duration of the class.
4. Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to
get him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a
big liar your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes,
saying, "Stop writing down all these lies!"
5. Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on a
bicycle, yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard. Get up,
take a seat, and act like nothing happened. Do this every day.
6. Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks, papers,
or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter how
small it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in a
panic. Don't return for the rest of class.
7. Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to take
attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway
through class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you
again!" Sit down and be quiet for the rest of class.
8. Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair. Throughout
class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please kill me!"
Get up during class, like your going to miraculously start walking.
Instead, fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you
back up. When class is over, say, "I feel better now," leap up, and
run home.
9. Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes into
class, release the hornets, scream, and run away.
10. Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and start
using it. If your professor objects, explain that you "can't stand
sitting in this pigsty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.
11. Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when
you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look
at the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After
a few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this
once a day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every
time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to
"speak." When you leave the room after class, start yelling at the
cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed me AGAIN...."
12. Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects,
explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.
13. When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home, correct it,
give it a grade, and return it to the professor. Demand extra credit.
14. Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks. Try to get your
professor to guess who you are. Shoot him/her with a water pistol,
scream, and run around the room knocking things over. Say, "Pretty
scary, huh?"
15. Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a
surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can't start class
until he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the
strippers are going to arrive.
16. Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class.
Call
the paintings things like, "Professor Acting Like Mr. Know-It-All" or
"Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About." Give the
paintings to your professor as gifts.
17. Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out, "Bingo!"
Apologize, and explain that you got confused.
18. Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around it,
and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra
credit.
19. Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about 15
minutes late. Go ahead and start without me." Wait outside the
building until the time when class is supposed to begin. Tie the
note to a rock, and throw it through the window.
20. Write down everything that your professor says, word for word. Think
up a melody, and turn the words into a song. Bring a guitar to class
and perform the song for the class. Explain to your professor that
he/she is "very inspiring."
21. Get a monkey, and bring it to class with you. Tell your professor that
you've hired the monkey to take notes for you. Sit back and relax
during class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper. When
it comes time to write a paper or take a test, write down things
like, "I wish I had a banana" and "I miss my tire swing." Assuming
you get a bad grade, angrily fire the monkey in front of your
professor.
22. When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to your
professor's house. From then on, don't hand anything in, and blame it
on the sluggishness of the U.S. Postal Service.
23. Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for a writing
class. Get him/her to tell you his/her life story. Act interested,
and write down everything he/she says. Fabricate a few romantic
interludes and turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel. Make
copies for the entire class, and your professor. Demand extra credit.
24. Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and tests. Next to
them, write things like, "You're the best, even though you suck" and
"You're the worst professor in the world, but I still love you."
25. Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your
professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get other
people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and
have frequent discussions during class. Act like you're really
interested in what you're discussing. If your professor tries to
interrupt or stop you, act annoyed and motion for him/her to quiet
down.
**************************************************************************
[ In the realm of video games, the next true technological advance ]
[ is supposed to be Virtual Reality. How close is it? Here's a ]
[ good URL from the kMc (Kelly.McCollum@chronicle.com) that may ]
[ give you an idea. ]
These folks have a whole load of VR gear in all price ranges. Looks
like commercial and homemade stuff too - like hacked up Nintendo Power
Gloves
http://www.garlic.com/vr/
**************************************************************************
[ Since I didn't see my weekly weekend movie (other than catching ]
[ DRUKEN MASTER I on the big screen down at UT) I'm including the ]
[ following video review from GGIBSON@aztec.astate.edu. ]
Hey everyone...just finished watching THE STAND. This movie was by
far the best of Stephen King's works. I say that because I am
definitely NOT a horror fan and didn't like IT, or the "people on the
airplane while time stops/disappears" movie. Unlike most of his
work, this had a profound message of good vs. evil. It had purpose
and despite King's poor acting skills, it was a movie that just seems
to move me. Gary Sinese is by far one of the finest actors alive
today. The guy who used to play "My Unlce Martin" with Bill Bixby,
could run a close second. But, put the acting and the beautiful
sound track and old Mother Abigail aside and you have a great book.
As I said, I don't often read King and instead engross myself in a
good Clancy, but I recommend this book and the miniseries.
**************************************************************************
It's rant time!
Hand me my soapbox.
Thank you.
This is a plea to all the female readers of the WU. I am begging and
pleading with you to send me stuff you find on the web or get in your
e-mail. This whole net thing is just way too testosterone filled and
it's beginning to smell like sweat socks in here.
Now, to give you incentive, the following (and final) two pieces are
progressively more male entrenched. First, a Star Trek piece (and what
a bastion of woman's rights that show has been.) Second, a satirical
piece on how to shop for a girlfriend.
I was sent a list of "75 Reasons a Woman Should Keep Her Mouth Shut"
that was prefaced by at least 6 people saying "this is awful - I can't
believe someone wrote this". I wondered why they bothered to proliferate
it in the first place. I'm all for free speech and there isn't much I
won't discuss or include in the WU, but I'm drawing the line there.
Get on the wagon whether you be Grrrls, Womyn, or a female of any brand
and maybe there'll be less shit like that in my inbox.
**************************************************************************
[ One of the hip net.trends lately is to write your own episode of Star ]
[ Trek. One net.geek actually got his script used (and with the way ]
[ Voyager's been looking lately, they'd let anyone write an episode.) ]
[ To prove my point stavros@eden.com sent me this "Dr. Seuss writes for ]
[ Star Trek: The Next Generation" . ]
If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation...
By Dave Fuller
Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star,
So, Data, please, how far? How far?
Data: Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
We'll have two days 'til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive?
Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.
LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline!
Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go!
Please make it so, please make it so!
Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't,
We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,
The danger here is far too great!
Picard: But surely we must not be late!
Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire.
Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!
Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire?
Riker: Not me...
Worf: Not me!
Picard: Computer, how long 'til we die?
Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.
Data: May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
Extinguishers from tractor beams
And stop the fire, or so it seems...
Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day!
Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!
Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much.
You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.
Troi: We still must save the Indran planet --
Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite...
Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand -- we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please make it so, PLEASE make it so.
Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires
And that's what started all the fires.
Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go!
Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy
And lock him up and ask him why?
Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental.
Troi: Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that they've been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat
We haven't even heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do?
Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"
I can't just sit and let them die!
A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try!
Picard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.
Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon.
* COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK *
* HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE? *
Worf: The saboteur is in the brig.
He's very strong and very big.
I had my phaser set on stun --
A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall,
He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form
All soft and purple, round and warm.
Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
Did you see this creature morph?
Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly.
Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely.
Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend!
Our troubles now are at an end!
Crusher: Now let's get our ship to fly
And orbit yonder Indran sky!
Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go---
Geordi: Yes, sir, we can...
Picard: Then make it so!
**************************************************************************
[ From GGIBSON@aztec.astate.edu sends us "CR report on Girlfriends" ]
Well it's been almost 20 years since Consumer's Reports
reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have
changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for
girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CU decided
another report was needed.
As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you
need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large
part, dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you
want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking
partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying
your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a
girlfriend.
The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course,
how much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by
your physical and personal characteristics--if you are good
looking, have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor,
you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model.
On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester
clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing
power in mind when considering your selection. Although the
salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does
not recommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the
required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.
Used vs. New?
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether
to get a new or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question
will, roughly speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in
the following table:
Your age Used or New
-------- -----------
1-12 years (see note A)
13-16 years New
17-21 years Used, but not used up
22-35 years Used heavily
35-60 years New (see note B)
60+ (see note A)
Notes: A: Seek psychiatric help!
B: Only "new" if income $100,000/year.
Otherwise, "divorced".
New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous
bad experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they
will rarely be old enough to open their own checking account.
Used girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable
performers, with the initial problems worked out, but CU advises
that you avoid models which have much more than average mileage
(2.1 SO's/yr). Much greater than the average may be an
indication that the girlfriend was a professional.
Accessories
-----------
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a
tavern will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high
markup on such items as large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc.
Other accessories will only appeal to fringe markets, such as
models which come pre-equipped with children, or the ability to run
10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should make
a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note
that some accessories (such as children) can be added later,
while others (such as a large bosom) must be factory installed.
The Test Ride
-------------
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The
test ride ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which
can range from the simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to
the aggressively hip ("dance with me or I'll kill you") to the
arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leap you,
Faith!"). CU rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look
better." Once on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and
acceleration. The two questions you want to answer are: how
fast, and how far? Examine the detailing. Does the bosom sag?
Does the heater warm adequately, or does she remain cool?
Ordering vs. On-The-Lot
-----------------------
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience,
and many potential customers find it hard to get the exact model
and accessories wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory
is an option. Delivery time, however, is from 14 to 16 years
(depending on the state you live in), and CU questions the
usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby
factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.
Methodology
-----------
Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test
engineers, selected to typify the average seeking population.
All tests were performed at CU's specially constructed test
facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and
at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility. A
series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according
to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy,
initiative, looks, and performance.
Results
-------
Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity.
Within each category, variation is not statistically significant.
Category Comments
-------- ---------------------------------------------------
Goddess: This is the woman of your dreams. She comes
equipped with all the options you want and none of
the ones you don't. She can argue subtle points of
philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball,
understand what you mean even if you don't say it,
and break a bed. No mental or physical hang-ups.
The drawback is that this model is not actually
available.
Goddess-in-law: This model is similar to the goddess, but comes
with contractual retainers, such as a psychotic
ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an alcoholic father,
and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey
hairs.
Ms. Right: The best all-around choice for most girlfriend
situations. Has most of the characteristics of the
Goddess except possibly in the wrong size or hair
color. Other than that, an excellent long-term
investment. Availability is extremely limited but
can occasionally be found with luck.
Babe: This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all
the options. Unfortunately this model lacks
cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and suitable for
a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for
your long-term girlfriend needs.
Friend: The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind
but you wouldn't be caught dead in it. Availability
is poor to fair, depending on quality.
Yeah, Her: The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely
available, but useful as a girlfriend only in a
pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be
spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull finish.