And I had one, too.
Despite leaving an entire issue's worth of submissions on my mother's
PC on Christmas Day (where they have mysteriously dissappeared, which
isn't much of a surprise when it come to my mom and technology), I have
an entire issue full of smiles to start your New Year.
Now, this does mean I'm running low for next week. So send me stories,
URLs, and reviews for next week or you'll be forced to sort through my
personal web findings!
(Oh, and my New Years Resolution isn't "Get the WU out on time.", so
!NO! I haven't broke my New Years Resolution, yet.)
**************************************************************************
[ From (stavros@eden.com), (who has more submissions this week ]
[ than David Letterman has Big Ass Hams) allowed our un-wired ]
[ buddy, TreyLa, to use his e-mail so we could get the first ]
[ Top 10 list of the year. ]
Top 10 Things That Would Be Different if Microsoft Started Building Cars
10. New seats would force everyone to have same size butt.
9. The US government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker,
instead of giving them.
8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars,
forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for
years.
6. The oil, engine, gas, alternator warning lights would be replaced
with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
5. Sun Motorsytems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice
as reliable, and five times as fast-but it would run only run on 5
percent of the roads.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you
bought a Car 95 or a Car NT.
But then you'd have to buy more seats.
3. Occassionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have
to restart it. For some strange reason you'd just accept this.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a
new car.
1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that
year instead of before it.
**************************************************************************
[ The Fuscia-less Son'o (jhathorn@shreveport.promus.com) gives ]
[ his insights to the latest in mafia .vs. police movies. ]
Heat
Finally the confrontation a lot of us have been waiting for - DeNiro and
Pacino. The story is set in Los Angles where Neil (DeNiro) is planning on
one final job with his gang: a $12 million bank robbery. The stakes are
high, but they all decide the bank is worth the risk. Only one obstacle -
Vince (Pacino). Vince is a street smart cop who sees Neil as possibly one
of his greatest advisories. Vince and Neil have never run across one
another (just as the two actors) until now. The result is well worth
watching. Since Heat is directed by Michael Mann, it does have a sort of
Miami Vice feel to it but those feelings are left out in the cold when
you realize that these two are no Don Johnson. Neil is cold and
calculating and you can see it in every move he makes, even when he is
dealing with someone he might possible care about. Neil feels he must do
the things he does to always remain on the edge, to be just a step better
and quicker than the bad guys. Heat not only explores the action side of
all the characters lives, but their home life (or lack there of) as well.
The supporting cast of Vince's wife (can't remember her name), Val Kilmer,
and Ashley Judd are excellent. Ashley is great as Kilmer's wife.
Rating - Full Price - Heat is one hell of a hot action/drama movie.
**************************************************************************
[ The 1996 URL cavalcade is started by our own (stavros@eden.com) ]
[ this year, and don't think that 1996 is going to have any less ]
[ of those http-colon-slash-slash-tripledubs -- MORE, MORE!! ]
Shock Media [Magazine]
December 1995. The Premiere Issue of "SHOCK MEDIA" is unleashed on the
Internet.
http://www.ipgnet.com/~jun/media/
SHOCK MEDIA supposedly deals with issues that affect all of mankind. Yes!
SHOCK MEDIA is controversial. And it will only get worse. Much worse.
Contributions are welcomed but remember, the Chief Editor says he eats
flames for breakfast!
**************************************************************************
[ From (spike@io.com) we get "Memories of Undergrad"...which makes ]
[ me wonder if he got a late start, or if I was just ahead of my ]
[ time in middle school? ]
UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM
____________________University
To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________
I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be
changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:
______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than
I did.
______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than
I did.
______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't
get into:
______Medical School ______Graduate School
______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority
______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech
______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in
_______________.
______5. I'll lose my scholarship.
______6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a
copy of your exam.
______7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used
did not cover the materisal asked for on the exam.
______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every
little fact.
______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams
asked about general principles.
_____10. You are prejudiced against:
______Males ______Jews ______Blacks
______Females ______Catholics ______Whites
______Protestants ______Moslems ______Minorities
______Chicanos ______People ______Students
_____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or
at least cut my allowance.
_____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the
following illness:
______mono ______broken baby finger
______acute alcoholism ______pregnancy
______VD ______fatherhood
_____13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly
how you wanted that done.
_____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
_____15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
_____16. The lectures were:
______too detailed to pick out important points
______not explained in sufficient detail
______too boring
______all jokes and not enough material
______all of the above
_____17. This course was:
______too early, I was not awake.
______at lunchtime, I was hungry
______too late, I was tired
_____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my
(book, notes, paper) for this course.
_____19. Other___________________________________________________
**************************************************************************
[ from (kmembry@greenmnts.com) ]
look at Yahoo!
Yahoo - http://www.yahoo.com
then look at this!
http://www.yeeeoww.com/yecch/yecchhome.html
**************************************************************************
[ from (stavros@eden.com) ]
Very humorous - game-related, both video and PC
http://www.primenet.com/team-0/comics/
**************************************************************************
[ to make up for the sexist coffe/women piece last week, ]
[ (stavros@eden.com) sends us this: ]
The Male Guide to Selecting an Outfit
+----------+ +-----------+ +-------------------+ +-------+
| Are there| No | Are there | "What's a | Are there clothes | No | Buy |
|clothes in|---->|clothes in | hamper?" | strewn in random |---->| more |
| dresser? | |the hamper?|----------->|piles on the floor?| |clothes|
+----------+ +-----------+ +-------------------+ +-------+
| Yes | Yes | Yes
+---------------------------------------------/
|
V
+---------------+
| Take whatever |
| is on top |
+---------------+ /------------------------\
| | |
V V |
+--------+ No +---------+ +-----------+
| Is |---------->| Perform | "Ohmigod" | Spray |
| it | Not sure | smell |------------>| with |
| clean? |---------->| test | | deodorant |
+--------+ +---------+ +-----------+
| Yes | "Not bad"
+--------------------/
|
V
+--------------+ +---------+ +-------------+
|For underwear:| "Which ones are |Will they| "I may get |Place item on|
|Are there many| for my legs?" | be | arrested." | dirty pile; |
| holes? |----------------->| visible?|------------->| start over |
+--------------+ +---------+ +-------------+
| No | No
+---------------------------------/
|
V
+---------+ +------------+ +-----------------------------------+
| Is it | Yes | Do you | Yes |But would you rather have a tick on|
|wrinkled?|----->|really care?|----->| your eyeball than iron a shirt? |
+---------+ +------------+ +-----------------------------------+
| No | No | Yes
+------------------------------------------------/
|
V
+--------+ Kinda +-------+ +---------+
| Does |----------------->| Is it | No | Seek the|
| it | | dark |---->|advice of|
| match? |----------------->| out? | | a female|
+--------+ "Does it what?" +-------+ +---------+
| |
| Yes | Yes
+--------------------------/
|
V
+----------+
| Put on |
| clothes! |
+----------+
**************************************************************************
[ (stavros@eden.com) and (betc@eden.com) have a four-legged, ]
[ grey-haired spoiled rotten child that they call Lucy. I ]
[ had second thoughts about putting this "limited audience" ]
[ piece in, but if I didn't they'd make me show you all the ]
[ "baby pictures". Consider your self lucky... ]
You know you have gone to the "DOGS" when ...
* Nobody's feet are allowed on the furniture, but your dogs are welcome to sleep
on any piece they so choose.
* It takes an entirely separate garbage can to handle all the poop.
* All kinds of things around the house are in need of repair, but the injured
dog you rescued by the side of the road requires immediate surgery and out
comes the checkbook.
* You and your family haven't had your annual check up in two years, but the
dogs are all medically up to date.
* You start barking at your children to "Sit! Stay!"
* You're more concerned with the dogs' needs than your own when the budget gets
tight.
* At least three of your five weeks vacation are scheduled around grooming,
vaccinations and dental cleaning...all for the dogs!
* Dog crates double as chairs and/or tables in your family room.
* You can only remember people by associating them with their dog.
* Overnight guests (who share your bed) are offended by having to sleep with you
and the dog(s).
* You snuggle closer to the dog than the person with whom you are sleeping.
* You decide to downsize from a huge house in the city to an average country
cottage with lots of land in order to build the kennel of your dreams.
* You spend more time looking through mail order catalogues for dog supplies
than for Victoria's Secret nighties or Miles Kimball gadgets.
* All your social activities revolved around other dog people.
* Your voice is immediately recognized by your vet's receptionist.
* Everyone in the office is eager to know if the dogs are all right because you
were late for the meeting.
* The whereabouts of all you important legal and personal documents escapes you,
yet you know precisely where to locate the file that includes all the vet
records, breed papers and registration.
* Your trunk has an emergency food kit for any strays you might come across.
* The majority of your charitable contributions go to animal organizations.
* To win a precious .75 show ribbon, you think nothing of forking out hundreds
of dollars to board/pet sit the other dogs, pay for entry fees, gas,
accommodations and meals.
* You no longer have to buy extra large garbage bags, because the empty, 40
pound dog food bags work just as well.
* Complete strangers call you on the phone to ask a question because they heard
you were a "dog person."
* Your mom calls and asks how the granddogs are.
* Every gift you ever get has something to do with dogs.
* Your cookie jar has never seen the likes of people cookies.
* You rip up the carpet and lay tile to make clean up so much easier.
* Your children (wife, husband) complain that you always take more pictures of
the dog than you do of them.
* While proudly showing off your family album, your guest asks, "Isn't there
anyone else in your family besides the dog?"
* Any conversation you're having is effortlessly directed back to the topic of
dogs.
* Your first concern when planning a vacation is whether or not the hotel will
take pets.
* You politely bow out of an important social engagement so you can attend a dog
show.
* The number one priority when buying a new house is the size and landscape of
the backyard.
* The only (or at least first) forum you log onto is the animal forum.
* You describe your children as having temperaments rather than personalities.
* The cost of boarding your furkids equals that of your entire vacation.
* Your dog decides he doesn't like someone and you tend to agree.
* All your non-dog friends know to dress down when visiting your house.
* Your friends know which chair not to sit in.
* First time visitors wonder aloud, "Do you smell something?" and you really
don't.
* You become the family dog kennel for all your relatives.
* You don't think twice about sitting on the floor because both the couch and
the chair are completely dog full.
* Your desk proudly displays your canine family.
* All dates must pass your dog's inspection.
* The first question you ask when on a date is, "So, do you like animals?"
* You buy a bigger bed that will comfortably sleep six.
* You break down and buy another pillow so you can have one to sleep on.
* More than half of your grocery money goes to dog food and treats.
* You buy a mini van to give them all enough travel room.
* Your carpeting matches the color of your dog -- purposely.
* The thought of changing a baby's diaper makes you swoon, but you can pick up
dog poop barehanded, if necessary, without batting an eye.
* You send out specially-made holiday cards that feature you and the dogs.
* Your spouse issues the ultimatum "It's them or me" and you have no problem
pointing out the suitcase.
* You readily allow them to give you slobbery kisses, but you don't dare wipe a
toddler's nose.
* Onlookers grimace at the sight of you sharing your sandwich with your
four-legged pal, bite for bite.
* Your dog has the best birthday party over and above any kid in the entire
neighborhood.
* Your dogs eat only the most nutritionally sound food, while your favorite
meal is mac 'n cheese.
* You've traced your dog's family tree further than you have your own.
* You're more familiar with dog laws than you are with people laws.
* You stagger your dog magazine subscriptions to make sure you'll receive one
every week.
* Your vet's office number is the first one on your speed dial list; his home is
number two.
* One of your vet files is labeled "Other."
* Your vet takes a few extra courses just to keep up with your brood's assorted
ailments.
* Your file is the only one that remains in the "IN" box.
* Your file rivals War And Peace.
**************************************************************************
[ from (stavros@eden.com) ]
Fellowbug's Laboratory: The Daily Noise
Here is a site that needs to be seen/heard daily:
http://www.dtd.com/noise/
**************************************************************************
[ From (stavros@eden.com) ]
Demonstration of "What is in YOUR Name?"
http://www.kabalarians.com/articles/your.htm
Have you ever wondered... why you were given
the name that you now have written on your driver's license, social
security card, and birth certificate ? This one little URL will try to
answer all...
Here is a excerpt: Stephen
The name Stephen has many fine qualities and adds to your strength of
character. It gives you a strong desire to be independent and to be your
own boss so that you can exercise your own initiative, come to your own
conclusions, and then act on your decisions without interference. This
name enables you to carry responsibilities for others and makes you an
excellent disciplinarian. However, this name is not completely
constructive as it restricts expression and vision, and creates a nature
that is too direct and straightforward. Thus lack of diplomacy as well
as your somewhat self-centred, domineering attitude could cause problems
in association. Weaknesses in your health due to the influence of this
name would centre in the head.
**************************************************************************
[ and going, and going...from (stavros@eden.com ]
Collection of Canonical Lists
http://www.cs.bgu.ac.il/~davidcha/Humor/index.html
Example: (X-mas related)
12 Days of Windows NT
---------------------
On the 12th day of Christmas my vendor gave to me
12 days to set up.
11 acronyms
10 more megahertz
9 brand new standards
8 more megs of RAM
7 minor upgrades
6 hidden features
5 tons of docs
4 new API's
3 more months of waiting
2 more SCSI drives
And a bug fix for Windows NT
**************************************************************************
[ from (mbuna@eden.com), comes another "limited audience" piece ]
[ but I believe that even non-coders can get a few good laughs ]
[ from this. ]
DNA Mystery Solved!!!
For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that
very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.
The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is
that the rest of it is comments. Once we decode a typical human
genome, we see that the contents begin as follows:
/*
* Human Genome
* Version 2.1
*
* (C) God
*/
/* Revision history:
*
* 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
* 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
* 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
* will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
* 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
* rhino-dna.c
* 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
* 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
* 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
* 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
* darker to match my own image.
* 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
* Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
* 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
* 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population
* density, to try and slow the overpopulation
problem
* 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
* CD.
*/
/* Standard definitions
*/
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE Caucasian
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
*
* Files must be pre-processed with MENTAL program to provide proper
* inheritance features.
*/
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
#ifndef FATHER
warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
*/
#include
/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
* library sometime soon.
*/ struct genitals
{
#ifdef MALE
Penis *jt;
#endif
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
Vagina *p;
#endif
}
/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
* Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
*/
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
*
* Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
* to display at birth.
*
* Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
*/
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
/*..and so on. */
[ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]
So is it any wonder that, as one philosopher put it, God is in the details?
**************************************************************************
Happy New Year!