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BRAIN: I appreciate your acknowledging my genius, but as to it being an accident, and possibly one of a comic nature-- well, I simply find that insulting. Granted, it is unusual for a mouse to exhibit such formidable intelligence, but it is nothing more than a tool that I was given to assume my destiny-- that of world domination. You can go now.
AXS: Actually, I have some more questions.
BRAIN: _(sighs)
Very well. Continue.
AXS: _What is Mr. Pinky's relation to you?
BRAIN: As far as blood relation, none. _Mr._Pinky, as you generously referred to him in a way that he would appreciate if he was not presently consumed with the task of excavating his inner ear-- has been my cage mate for quite some time. While it is true that I am occasionally exasperated by a mouse with the intellect of a shrimp boat, he is nevertheless a key player in my plans to take over the world.
AXS: In what way?
BRAIN: He carries the heavy stuff.
AXS: Does your Happy Meal merchandising quench your thirst for power?
BRAIN: Number One: I do not have a thirst for power, I have a destiny to fulfill, and Number Two: I am in no way involved in the Happy Meal toys. In fact, they were produced without my consent. Frankly, the sight of a five year old randomly pushing my likeness about irritates me to no end.
AXS: Do you have an agenda for post-world takeover?
BRAIN: First let me say that no one need fear my taking over the world, for I shall rule in a fair and just manner. But once the task has been completed, my first order of business will be to execute anyone who conducts interviews. _(laughs)
Calm yourself, a small joke. I am not without humor.
AXS: Are you aware of your resemblance to Orson Welles?
BRAIN: I have no idea what you're talking about. Next question.
AXS: Is Pinky the new Dan Quayle?
BRAIN: Dan Quayle should be so lucky. If you don't mind me saying so, this line of questioning has taken a decidedly populist turn. This fascination with celebrity is simply insidious. Now, please, let's move along, I've got a luncheon date with Scott Baio and Valerie Bertinelli.
(At this point, Pinky wakes up and joins the discussion.)
AXS: Have you ever considered donning a costume and using Super Powers as a way to rule the world?
PINKY: Ooo! Egad, Brain, you could become super strong and individually beat up everyone on the planet!
BRAIN: Yes, Pinky, but that would be easy. Besides, gratuitous violence is beneath me.
PINKY: Then why are you always bopping me on the head?
BRAIN: That's not gratuitous, that's involuntary. Now go. _(Pinky wanders off in a daze.)_
AXS: Have you lobbied the producers for your chance at world domination?
BRAIN: Frankly, the producers are a group of innocuous dunderheads who wouldn't know a good idea if it was faxed to their Range Rover.
AXS: Now, Mr. Brain, do you have a love interest?
BRAIN: Absolutely. The world is my lady, and I love her. Also, I am particularly fond of the smell of bacon in the morning.
AXS: Have you considered taking up residence at the White House to further your ambitions, instead of Acme Labs? You could surely exercise mind control on suggestible politicians.
BRAIN: You seem to have a lot of plans of your own, my friend. Let me give you some advice--it is not particularly wise to discuss plans of this magnitude in a public forum such as this magazine. If I was to follow up on one of your ideas, I would have to kill you first, and since it is not in my nature to harm people, however annoying, I will not be using your plan. But, so as not to seem rude, I will chuckle lightly as I say, "What a delightful idea!" _(chuckles lightly) _You may go now.
Table O' Contents
Greeting/Top
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name? A. Borofkin. Q. What's his first name? A. I can't remember. Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name? A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name! Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? A. I refuse to answer that question. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? A. I refuse to answer that question. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? A. No. Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A. By death. Q. And by whose death was it terminated? Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. Q. What is your name? A. Ernestine McDowell. Q. And what is your marital status? A. Fair. Q. Are you married? A. No, I'm divorced. Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. A lot of things I didn't know about. Q. And who is this person you are speaking of? A. My ex-widow said it. Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney? A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good. Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A. I will be three months November 8th. Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A. Yes. Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time? Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable? A. I should be. Q. How many times have you comitted suicide? A. Four times. Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people? A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased? A. Yes, sir. Q. Before or after he died? Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words. Q. What happened then? A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q. Did he kill you? A. No. Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work. Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A. No. Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears? A. Picking them up in the air. Q. Where was the dog at this time? A. Attached to the ears. Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to? A. Oral. Q. How old are you? A. Oral. Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff? A: She is my daughter. Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979? Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim? Q: ...and what did he do then? A: He came home, and next morning he was dead. Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead? Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities? A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture. Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp? A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital. Q: It was covered? A: Yes, bandaged. Q: Then, later on.. what did you see? A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head. Q: Could you see him from where you were standing? A: I could see his head. Q: And where was his head? A: Just above his shoulders. Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant? A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch- and she did! Q: Do you drink when you're on duty? A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk. Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial? A: The victim lived. Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? A: Yes, I have been since early childhood. Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas? A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval. Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present? A: It indicates intercourse. Q: Male sperm? A. That is the only kind I know. Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you? A: Yes, sir. Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right? Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?Table O' Contents
I rolled over and saw that the characters from Space Ghost (SG himself, and two of the badguys from the old SG), and the set was all wrong.
SG interviewed Scooly D (a rap dude), and Weird Al Yankovic (a
weird dude). This alone didn't fit what I knew as Space Ghost. It also
didn't help my mental stability that SG was making Sea Monkeys, and one
of the bad guys kept getting fried by SG (" If you have access to the cartoon channel, you must watch on Friday
or Saturday nights to see this bizarre spectacle. I still haven't figured
out exactly whats goin on, so do me a favor. Watch the show (it's on at
11 central, Midnight Eastern) and see if you can figure it out.
Table O' Contents
CONTRIBUTE!!!!
Greeting/Top
For those who have figured out the World Wide Web, and like television,
I reccomend going to http://www.eden.com/users/aaron.html.
This guy has built a page that links to every known page that has something
to do with Fox (the TV Network). It's a good place to start wasting time.
Well, that's all for this week.
CONTRIBUTE!!!!
CONTRIBUTE!!!!