Clean Soft Dry Lint-Free Cloth
I have this to say:
http://linex.com:80/~alibee/ducks.html.
Oh, yeah AND I hope everyone got stuffed for Turkey Day. I was back
in my home town of Shreveport, LA for the event and had something very
sad occurr while I was there. There is a restaurant at the corner of
Kings Highway and Youree drive that has been there since the dawn of
time. It was close to my highschool and I've eaten more meals there
then I have at my mother's table (now, mom - I'm just making a point,
you know it's not true). One of the things Murrel's restaurant is
known for is that it's open 364 days a year -- closed only on Christmas.
A few weeks back Mr. Murrel (the owner) passed away and the place
closed down out of respect for a few days -- that was fine. What was
_not_ fine was that Murrel's was closed on Thanksgiving. tsk, tsk.
Tradition dies too quickly sometimes.
**************************************************************************
[ From kmembry@greenmtns.com comes an intersting URL: ]
http://www.totalny.com/live/ge/
This dude drove from Silicon Alley to Silicon Valley (NY to CA) on a
motorcycle with a laptop, cellular modem and a Connectix video camera
and documented his trip. He visited any institution that made a major
contribution to the internet.
[ At first glance this was a really cool idea -- a ]
[ cross between CNet Central and the Discovery Chan- ]
[ nel. Unfortunately, the site is not put together ]
[ well - it's awfully slow, AND all the video clips ]
[ are Mac-only. I don't hate Mac's as much as I used ]
[ to, but their file formats suck big rocks. ]
**************************************************************************
[ From kmembry@greenmtns.com comes a URL following a ]
[ long-standing and refreshing tradition of useful, ]
[ productive computer applications: coke machine mon- ]
[ itoring websites, vending machine inventories, and ]
[ now the: ]
Restroom Utilization Measurement Project
http://entity.vuse.vanderbilt.edu/cgi-bin/project
**************************************************************************
[ I received this note from Doc (mjankows@beta.centenary.edu) ]
[ before Thanksgiving. (Doc was one of my skating buddies ]
[ before I moved to "the Land of Milk and Honey, Where the ]
[ Streets are Paved with Gold".) He (like any persistent ro- ]
[ ller-blading fool) injured himself, but has apparently made ]
[ his way beyond "the accident". ]
Yahoo!!!
Yesterday, I had my first experience since "the accident". It felt so
weird sitting on the truck lacing up the left skate remembering why the
lace is now missing, pondering the stinging pain in my leg as the
emergency room workers cut off the beautiful yellow laces and kneepad.
I thought to myself, why would I want to try this again. Then I
remembered, it is one hell of a thrill. So I got on the skates expecting
to start off as slow as possible, but I got this sudden need for speed
and wind flowing through my hair. I began the tour of the parking lot
with a little caution, alowing my ankle to get back into the feel of
strenuous work, when suddenly I felt the the doctor of old, doing all
sorts of cool crossovers and sharp ass turns. It was great. I had tears
forming in my eyes...., from the cold air blowing against my face while
descending the hill.:-) To all of ya'll out there with skates that will
be traveling to the 'Port for the upcoming holiday, bring them and we
will organize a group skate.
[ Well, I made the time to skate with Doc and the few others ]
[ that made it. I must say that it was a thrill, despite ]
[ locking myself out of my car and having to actually talk to ]
[ "the man" to ask for help in opening my car -- (the heat ]
[ don't serve anymore apparently, they only protect(?).) I ]
[ miss a good skate now, and I'll be doing it more often. If ]
[ you haven't tried the rollerblade experience, you should. ]
**************************************************************************
[ Here's a joke via tankboy@eden.com, and it's his usual ]
[ tasteless fare -- no pretensions this time. ]
It was Sunday, and the entire congregation was sitting inside its customary
church. There were two interesting towns-people who had weird occupations
during the Reverend's readings... A man who always fell asleep, and a woman
who always knitted.
It just so happened that the two ended up sitting next to one another in
the front row this particular Sunday, each doing their respective thing
(sleeping and knitting). The Reverend starts:
"Who is the creator of our great universe? Who gave us life to cherish and
behold?"
At this point the lady who was knitting (with a double tipped needle) pokes
one side of it (accidentaly) into the sleeping man's side. The man woke up
and screamed "GOD!!"
"THAT'S CORRECT!!" the Reverend intoned. "Who is the son of God who came
down to visit the earth, and who did die for our sins?"
The lady poked the poor guy again and he woke up screaming "JESUS CHRIST!!!"
"THAT'S CORRECT!!" the Reverend cried. "And what did Eve say to Adam after
their last child?"
The lady pokes him yet again and the man, finally fed up, yells: "STICK
THAT THING INTO ME ONE MORE TIME AND I'LL BREAK IT IN TWO!!"
**************************************************************************
[ From the good doctor (mjankows@beta.centenary.edu) is a ]
[ just a tasteless British humour piece. ]
Proxy Fathers
The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been
broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the
government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant
through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a
proxy father- a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's
problem by impregnating the wife.
The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due
to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government
man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby
photographer rings the bell................
Ms Smith: "Good morning."
Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."
Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies,
especially twins."
Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
have a seat."
Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"
Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this
is the right thing to do."
Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.
Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really
spreadout."
Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked
for Harry and me."
Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one
every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot
from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with
the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to
please.'"
Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take
his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but
you'd be disappointed with that."
Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just
look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on
top of a bus in downtown London."
Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"
Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town.
They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."
Ms Smith: "She was?"
Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to
Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked
under such impossible conditions. People were crowding
around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"
Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got
so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and
yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had
to ask a couple of men restrain her. By that time darkness
was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it
all in."
Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"
Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider
my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented
technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the
front window of a big department store."
Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."
Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that
we can get to work."
Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on.
It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm
shooting. Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted!
**************************************************************************
[ from Kirk "the Squidman" (kmembry@greenmtns.com) comes a ]
[ very useful site for people who want cheap software and ]
[ aren't willing to break the law to get it (and _I_ would ]
[ _never_ advodcate breaking the law - especially software ]
[ piracy). ]
http://www.jumbo.com/ - 24,000+ shareware files, wow!
**************************************************************************
[ Looking for a good excuse to get rid of that frat boy ]
[ you've been meaning to dump? need to get away from ]
[ that strange girl who's using you just for physical ]
[ thrills (it could happen!), well teo@eden.com sent in ]
[ this URL which has great ones like "I'm going down to ]
[ the bakery to watch the buns rise." plus many other ]
[ useful things like X-Files quotes, Light Bulb jokes ]
[ (as seen in the 8/21/95 WU), and more: ]
http://cruciform.cid.com/~werdna/fun.html
**************************************************************************
[ from stavros@eden.com -- if you're using the a decent ]
[ browser (just about anything but AOHell, CompuSlug, or ]
[ Prodigy(not!)) this is really cool! ]
http://www.kmrmedia.com/ - KMR Media Group Home Page
Take a look at this company's page: great animation might even be
better over modem (seems to be too fast).
**************************************************************************
[ "Coquette", the infernally un-wired, hails us with an- ]
[ other of her hilarious jokes. ]
This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. granddad pulls out a beer
and the little boy says "grandpa, can i have one of those?"
Grandpa says "is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?"
to which the little boy responds "no."
"then you can't have one."
A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "can i have
on of those?"
Grandpa says "is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the
little boy responds "no." "then you can't have one."
Later on, grandpa and grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy
a lottery ticket. grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "i just won
$50,000"
Grandpa says, "great, your going to split that with me, right?"
The little boy asks, "grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your
asshole?"
"yes," says grandpa.
"then go fuck yourself"
**************************************************************************
[ From the self-styled Don Juan de Puegot himself ]
[ (GGIBSON@aztec.astate.edu) comes a piece that's ]
[ sure to give him some trouble with the ladies. ]
Men's guide to a Woman's language
She says English
--------- -------
You want You want
We need I want
It's your decision The correct decision should be
obvious by now
Do what you want You'll pay for this later
We need to talk I need to complain
Sure...go ahead I don't want you to.
I'm not upset Of course I'm upset, you moron.
You're...so manly You need a shave and you sweat
a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight. Is sex all you ever think
about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not I'm on my period.
overreacting!
Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new house.
I want new curtains and carpeting, furniture,
wallpaper...
Hang the picture there No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise I noticed you were almost
asleep.
Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something
expensive.
How much do you love me? I did something today you're
really not going to like..
I'll be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and find a
good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? [Too late, your dead.]
Yes No
No No
Maybe No
I'm sorry. You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'd
better get get used to it.
I'm not yelling! Yes I am yelling because I
think this is important.
In answer to the question "What's wrong?"
The same old thing. Nothing.
Nothing. Everything.
Everything. My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. It's just that you're such an
asshole.
I don't want to talk about it. Go away, I'm still building up
evidence against you.
**************************************************************************
[ From the apparently-too-busy-to-contribute-on-a-regular- ]
[ basis-even-though-I-virtually-am-living-alone-and-should- ]
[ have-plenty-of-time arosen@seas.gwu.edu, comes the quiz I ]
[ needed to have stayed in college. ]
COLLEGE ENTRANCE EXAM
-FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION-
--Time limit: 3 wks (weeks)--
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR-
give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
a. build a bridge
b. sail the ocean
c. lead an army
d. WRITE A PLAY (hint)
4. What religion is the Pope?
a. Jewish
b. Catholic
c. Hindu
d. Agnostic
(check only one)
5. Metric conversion: How many feet is in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
a. Westerners
b. Southerners
c. Northerners
9. Spell: Bush, Carter and Clinton
Bush-_____________________________________________
Carter-___________________________________________
Clinton-__________________________________________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
a. Macy's
b. a 7-Eleven
c. Canada
d. the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
a. Yes
b. No
c. None of the above
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibruim -OR- spell
your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
a. New York b. Florida
c. Japan d. Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you
have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when
(approximately)?
a. A.D.
b. B.C.
BONUS!!!
1. In the story Green Eggs and Ham, what color where the eggs?
2.
Your name is______________________________________________
**************************************************************************
[ "that girl" finally returns from her cyber-silence with: ]
HOW TO KILL AN EEL (a true story)
Little Johnny waas 7 years old , and like other boys
his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about
courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it
was done. One day, he took his questions to his mother, and
she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny
she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch
his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the
following morning, Johnny explained everything to his mother.
Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then
he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and
hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face
started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he
put his hand in her blouse to feel her heart, just like the
doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because
he seemed too have trouble finding her heart.
He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of
them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other
hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her
skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch.
This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because
sis told him she was really HOT.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick....a
big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped
out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST!
anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting
away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes big and
her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and
stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the
lake!
"Anyway", sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by
biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let
the eel go...I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with
both hands and held it while he took a muzzle out of his pocket
and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so that she could get
a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on top of the
eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning
aand squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I
guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.
After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great
sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the
eel...I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and
some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend
were a little tired from the battle, but they went courting on
anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by
golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up
and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats....they
have nine lives or something.
This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by
sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they
finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I
saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the
toilet.
Mother fainted
**************************************************************************
[ From the usually silent spike@io.com comes education humor. ]
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
**************************************************************************
[ and now a piece I actually found myself in Newsgroups: ]
[ alt.my.head.hurts (don't ask) entitled "At last! A ]
[ restful use for computers". ]
Hone your computer skills (not!)
Any of you who enjoy the pleasure of carefully honing a fine blade
to a razor edge will know that these moments of quiet and gentle
gliding of steel over stone can provide a wonderfull, calming
pause in an otherwise hectic and overcomplicated world.
There is a zen to this, not to mention the money saved on new knife
blades.
Trouble is, really good fine grained sharpening stones are becoming
something of a rarity in this disposable age. Quite the opposite of
computer hardware, which is rapidly approaching the 'landfill' grade
of oversupply.
So how are these two seemingly unconnected facts related?
Well, do you have a dead 386, 486 or pentium chip, the DX variety that
comes in a flat slab of ceramic? If you do (or are considering rejoining
the ranks of the uncomputerised) then you have an *excellent* quality
fine sharpening stone. And you didn't know it, did you?
Thats right! Try it! The flat top of these chip carriers is a smooth,
even grain sized, surface of the finest alumina. Very, very hard (it
will scratch glass), and easily cleared of metal dust with a wipe of
oil. You can get the best edge you've ever seen on a knife.
Just pop the chip out of your motherboard, cut off all those pesky
little legs, and there you are - a real Dhrystone.
If this is not a poetic end for an Intel processor, I don't know what is.
Guy Dunphy guyd@world.net Sydney, Australia
**************************************************************************
[ The previous piece was something I would expect our ]
[ lauraete in residence, jank (billjank@mindport.net) ]
[ to enjoy. He's finally ended his post-wedding med- ]
[ itation and furnished us with another fine piece of ]
[ prose. As usual, this last piece is (IMO) the best ]
[ so pull close a cold beer and listen up... ]
Howdy one and all,
Greetings from the not yet frigid north, where the days are shorter
than a skirt on 90210, and everyone, but everyone looks at you funny when
you say ya'll. I have finally found my nirvana, and aside from wedded
bliss, it is in a ton of steel and fiberglass known as a Mazda Miata. Now I
know that they are old hat, and that everyone has probably ridden in one, or
driven one, or constantly promised me that I could drive their folk's
friends late on a weekday night far from town but never delivered (Trey?),
but after three days as the new cosigner on Melissa's commuter toy, I must
admit that I may have found a weakness in my love for my Jeep.
Just this morning, on the way to work, it was asking me "Billy,
where were you this weekend? It was warm, and sunny, and there are many
trout streams in Ct yet to try. Why didn't we go buzzing around? You know,
just you and me on a dirt road, maybe over a couple of runoff streams or a
log or two? What's wrong?"
"Well, Jeep, we've kind of been busy moving in, you know, furniture,
cleaning, playing with the dog...."
"Don't lie to me, buster. I know what it is ... That's why we spent
a couple of days at the dealership. You've got another ride now."
"No, no, come on, we've discussed this. The new car is for Melissa
to get to work. We can't have you driving hundreds of miles each week, and
it would grate thin on both Melissa and my nerves having to coordinate our
schedules ...."
But the Jeep was right. There is a new love in my automotive life.
Sunday afternoon on the windy two lane roads of Eastern Conn, I reached yet
another high point in my life, as I topped a hill at exactly 55 MPH, (because
of course I would never speed), my rod, vest, and waders in the trunk,
realizing that in the NE, this is the ultimate rural recreation vehicle.
You can in a pinch squeeze two backpacks in it, and there are no long rutted
dirt roads to bump down that you need a truck for. And if there are, why
not take the extra hour and hike them? And nothing, but nothing surpasses
the view from a convertible.
I'm glad, though, that I was skunked and did not catch any fish.
I'd feel kind of funny with a brace of trout flopping in the trunk. Next
time I'll bring a little igloo cooler. Or maybe get one of those cool
wicker fish baskets like they used to wear way back when.
So if you have access to a convertible, grab it. As for me, I'm
keeping the Jeep, because it'd be broken hearted if I had to drive something
without Texas plates. And I know, that when the revolution comes, and we
convert New England into North Texas, that the roads will turn to dirt, and
cactii will grow on the shore, and my Jeep will be smug and make me
apologize for having this little fling with the Miata.
Love,
Jank,