[ until Christmas ]
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| The 1995 SPECIAL Christmas Edition |
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This special addendum to the WU serves many purposes. It helps spread a
little of that King of Spreads - Christmans Cheer. ...it also lets me
clean a _lot_ of backlogged submissions in one fell swoop.
Merry Christmas to all!
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[ from (GGIBSON@aztec.astate.edu) is a nice transition piece -- ]
[ from political commentary to XMAS flavored political commentary. ]
How to Tell a Democrat from a Republican
During the Holiday Season
And you thought you could tell Republicans from Democrats by how
they vote. Not so! Just observe how they act during the
holidays:
Republican say "Merry Christmas!"
Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"
Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the
Salvation Army.
Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to
panhandlers on the street.
Democrats get back at Republicans on their Christmas list by giving
them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.
Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning
When toasting the Holidays, Republicans ask for sherry or mulled
wine.
Democrats ask for egg nog.
When not in stores, Republicans use a catalog.
Democrats watch for "incredible tv offers" on late night television.
Democrats do a lot of their shopping at Cost-Co and WalMart.
So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.
Democrats give their children gifts that make a political statement.
Republicans give their children gifts that will keep them out of
their hair.
Republican parents have no problem buying their kids toy guns.
Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot
each other with dolls.
Republicans spend hundreds of dollars and hour of work decorating the
yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.
Democrats save their time and money and drive around at night to
enjoy the scenery.
Democrats favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street."
Republicans favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life."
Right-Wing Republicans favorite Christmas movie is "Diehard".
Republicans always take the price tag off any expensive gifts
they buy before wrapping.
Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts ...
and reposition them them to make sure they are seen.
Republicans wear wide red ties and green sport jackets during the
festive season.
Democrats do too, all year round.
Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly
maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas Cards.
Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it
again.
Democrats favorite Christmas song is "Deck the Halls".
Young Democrats favorite Christmas song is "Grandma Got Run Over by a
Reindeer."
Republicans favorite Christmas song is " White Christmas."
Young Republicans favorite Christmas song is "White Christmas".
Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial Christmas tree.
Tightfisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week
before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.
Democratic men like to watch football while their wives, girlfriends
or mothers fix holiday meals.
On this, Republicans are in full agreement.
Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play
"Cowboys and Indians".
Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians get to win.
Republicans first began thinking like Republicans
when they stopped believing in Santa Claus...
Democrats became Democrats because
they never stopped believing in Santa Claus...
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[ From my STILL un-wired co-worker "Coquette" is another ]
[ political flavored Christmans piece. ]
**** 'Twas the Night Before Christmas ****
- Written by the Government
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual
Yuletide celebration, and throughout the place of residence, kinetic
activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential,
including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus (mouse).
Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood
burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure
regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among
whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically
through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our
nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the
hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the
grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt
compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose
of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this
fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without,
reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline
precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself
- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a
miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive
specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur
so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he
was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power
traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than
patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath
musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by
his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. -
guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which
structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the
32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was
performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -
with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke
passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony
residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on
the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed
largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in
a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance
were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the
former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the
latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and
supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their
ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and
columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey
fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a
decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was
high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region
undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical
container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese,
jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me
visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By
rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head
slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was
groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned
articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously
dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he
executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral
juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a
gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by
renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself
in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of
air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of
burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable
chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I
overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his
vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the
planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest
wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period
between sunset and dawn."
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[ Again from GGIBSON@aztec.astate.edu comes "The Gingrinch ]
[ who stole congress", which is surprising since he tends ]
[ to have right-wing leanings. ]
THE GINGRINCH THAT STOLE CHRISTMAS
(With apologies to Dr. Seuss)
Every Rep down in Congress liked Clinton somewhat,
Except for the Gingrinch, who simply did NOT!
He hated Bill Clinton! He hated his wife!
He vowed to torment them the rest of his life!
The Ging hated anyone left of the Huns,
He hated the wusses who didn't like guns.
He hated the teachers who wouldn't lead prayers,
He hated the people who'd tax millionaires!
He hated "McGoverniks" whining 'bout rights,
Like equal protection for gays and non-whites.
How the Ging hated those environmental extremists,
Why, their calls for clean air were clearly elitist.
He hated their pleas for clean water each day
"Who needs Carol Browner, we've got Perrier!"
He despised their loud calls to protect Caribou
He wanted more drilling, more logging, more mining too.
How else will I make my beloved GoPAC go,
If I can't clear the way for my friends at Monsanto?
He hated the folks who said "Nicotine kills"
And vowed he would pass more pro-nicotine bills.
He hated the folks who said "Women need choice"
And vowed to give middle-aged males more voice.
But he hated the people on welfare much more;
He hated the way they were POOR POOR POOR POOR!
He hated the way they no jobs at all,
This struck him as heaploads of GALL GALL GALL GALL!
They also lacked training and day care. So what?
The Gingrinch announced he'd come up with a plot:
"Get off of Welfare! Get off today!
Or we will take all of your children AWAY!"
Now, no one knew what made the Ging such a meanie:
It could be because he had a small weenie.
It could be because he had Donahue hair,
Or maybe because not much lurked under there.
But probably what most explained the man's life
Was that he abandoned his children and wife.
Yes, 'way down in Georgia, his wife lay near dead
Sickened with cancer, in a hospital bed.
He crept in to see her (they let him, of course)
And whispered, quite sweetly, "I want a divorce!"
He whipped out his pencil with something like zeal
And got down to work on his alimony deal.
And while she was whimp'ring he said, "By the way,
I'm leaving for somebody younger - hooray!"
The Gingrinch's heart shrank two sizes that night.
And that could be what makes him so Christian Right.
Now, the night before Congress the Ging hatched his plans:
From now on he'd speak for, quote, "Normal Americans."
Tax-slashers! That's what those "Normal" folks love!
He'd take to the skies and dismantle the gov!
He jumped out of bed and he summoned his pet:
A doberman pinscher who once killed a vet.
George was his name (as in Wallace, not Bush);
"Boy!" said the Gingrinch, "We're gonna whip tush!"
They flew to a soup kitchen, filled with sad "bums,"
Snatched up the kettle and stole all the crumbs.
They flew to a basketball game late at night
And shooed the kids out, to the dealers' delight.
They unplugged mass transit and cried "Buy a car!"
Then chopped down a forest and chomped a cigar.
What bliss! What fun! What downright glee!
What joy! What yuks! What great TV!
Then next day the Gingrinch sat high above view
And looked down on Congress (as many folks do).
He wanted to relish the joy and the cheer
Of folks waking up to their first tax-free year.
He waited and waited and waited some more;
He waited to hear them cry "Newt, take the floor!"
He waited for kudos and champagne free-flowing,
He waited for trumpets on high to start blowing.
But instead of rejoicing and hoopla, etcet,
He heard a strange rumble that made his palms sweat.
The people weren't happy, not happy at all!
They ringed 'round the Statehouse! They filled up the hall!
They groused and they grumbled and cried, "We're real mad!"
We want all those costly old programs we had!
Give back our givebacks! Give back our pork!
Give back the stuff you walked off with, you dork!"
And the Gingrinch sat simply quite stunned at the sight
Of normal Americans, not left and not right.
They wanted clean air and they wanted green trees,
They wanted full coverage for medical fees,
They wanted nice schools and streets safe to play,
They wanted it all - they just didn't want to pay!
And when the truth hit him, the Ging grinned a grin,
He laughed and he laughed til the tears ran down his chin.
The Clintons climbed up to the Dome, laughing too.
"Hee hee hee," Bill and Hill laughed, "Hoo hoo hoo!"
They laughed with the cheer that comes from within,
They laughed with the knowledge: You just cannot win.
The Gingrinch and Clintons now shared the same plight
Whatever they'd do, they could not do it right.
"Folks hate you," said Bill, "once you land in D.C.
But I've got a plan: Let us bond, you and me.
We'll work as a team, yes! That's my advice!
We'll listen and nod and make NICE NICE NICE NICE!"
The Prez put his hand out, they hugged on the ledge . . .
And then that old Gingrinch pushed Bill off the edge.
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[ The best Christmas submission (IMHO) is a contiunation of my ]
[ favorite net fluff. Thanks to CYNSMITH@utxvms.cc.utexas.edu ]
[ better know as "that girl" for "25 CHRISTMAS IDEAS TO TOR- ]
[ TURE YOUR ROOMMATE ..." ]
1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries
to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash on the
floor.
2. Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to
get off.
3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it.
4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth
chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to
town..."
5. Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roomate enters or leaves
the room, plant a big wet one on his/her lips.
6. Hang a stocking with your roomates name on it. Collect coal and
sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say "you've been very naughty
this year."
7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how
you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (i.e., "You know, I saw
mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.")
9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.
10. Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my roomate's two front teeth..."
11. Give your roomate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.
12. Build a snowperson with your roomate and place a hat on its head.
When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically "it didn't work!"
13. Whip your roomate screaming "now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and
Blitzen, etc."
14. Tear down all your roomate's Christmas decorations yelling "Bah
Humbug!"
15. Wake up every morning screaming "Ghost of Christmas Future, please
have mercy on my soul!" (The Lords Of Darkness apply here too...)
16. Tell your roomate you're moving out. Santa's buying you a house on
34th Street.
17. Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.
18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts
first.
19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roomate's friends
"give it a yank."
20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings an
angel gets his/her wings."
21. Stand in front of the mirror reciting "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"
over and over in your underwear.
22. Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturaly.
23. Watch your roomate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing,
"he sees you when you're sleeping..."
24. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When
your roommate asks, tell him/her "I had to let them stay here,
there's no room at the inn."
25. When your roomate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her posessions.
Tell him/her that Santa's elves must have done it.
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[ From (spike@io.com), we get "christmas songs by the government". ]
[ If you can't figure them out, don't feel bad I didn't do well. ]
CAN YOU NAME THESE CHRISTMAS SONGS?
The following Christmas carols were written by government officials.
Can you guess the original titles? And thanks to Shell Harris for
contributing several titles.
1. Move hitherward the entire assembly of those who are loyal in
their belief
2. Embellish interior passageways
3. Vertically challanged adolescent percussionist
4. Natal celebration devoid of color as a hallucinatory phenomenon
for me
5. Majestic triplet referred to in the first person plural
6. Twelve o'clock on a clement night witnessed its arrival
7. Soundless nocturnal period
8. The Yuletide occurance preceding all others
9. Precious metal musical devices
10. Omnipotent supreme being who elicits respite to ecstatic
distinguished males
11. Caribou with vermillion oilfactory appendage
12. Allow crystalline formations to descend, allow crystalline
formations to descend, allow crystalline formations to descend
13. Jovial yuletide desired for the second person singular or
plural by us
14. Bipedal traveling through an amazing acreage during the period
between December 21st and March 21st
15. Exclamitory remark concerning a diminuative municipality in
Judea southwest of Jerusalem