[ do not label ]
A new political season is brewing and with it an increase in donkey .vs.
elephant submissions. I try hard to not let my obstinant liberal
independent viewpoint show through and...well, since I can't play here,
I usually don't let other people play here, either. Still, there are
a few bent pieces this week, bear through them and you begin to see that
even P. Gramm might have a sense of humor.
I spent the weekend swimming the tides of Christmas shoppers. If only
the rules of the 'pit' applied to Malls. I'd be a much better shopper.
Of course, I have a hard time picturing geriatric octogenerians in support
hose body surfing into Foley's...
**************************************************************************
"Jumanji" review by BETC
rating - Full Price
OK so I was a little apprehensive about seeing this movie...mainly
because I thought it looked like CRAP...but I am, right here, fully
admitting my wrongness! I've gotten very tired of Robin Williams
lately and was more or less talked into going but thank you Stavros
and Johnny because I really enjoyed it! I'm going to try to tell
the story without giving too much away. There's this total geek named
Alan Parrish (Sort of Robin at this point) He finds this game
-Jumanji- at a construction site and takes it home. That night he
starts to play it with this girl (who I can't remember her name real
or fictional) and on the 2nd roll gets Sucked into the board?! Well
she obviously freaks out and runs home. 26 years later THE dysfunctional
family of 1995 moves into his (Alan's) old house and the two kids find
the game in the attic. Skipping school one day (as dysfunctional
children are apt to do) they play the game and BLAMO out pops Alan
Parrish (defiantly Robin Williams) Blah Blah Blah they get the now 30
something girl from the original game and so the adventure begins. The
game spits out a series of Jungle creatures: Bats, Monkeys, Lion, and a
crazed Colonel Mustard like Hunter. The foursome must finish the game
in order to get rid of these annoyances and set the world back to
order....
It's (God forgive me for using this word) a cute movie with a few laughs
and some decent (not spectacular) special effects. But all in all I
enjoyed the flic and suggest you go see it while it's still in the theater.
[ I'll give even bigger kudos to this movie. The same folks who ]
[ did Jurassic Park did the creatures for this flic. During/After ]
[ J.P. I felt there wasn't enough of the computer generated dinos ]
[ but this movie makes up for that. It's chock full of true cutt- ]
[ ing edge graphics. I loved Toy Story, but there was nothing ]
[ technologically great in it. Jumani on the other hand is the ]
[ bomb! ]
**************************************************************************
[ If I'm gonna include political drech, I might as well start ]
[ with the kind of tree-hugging, dirt-nibbling, tie-dyed kind ]
[ that I actually support. Thanks to the fish-monger, ]
[ mbuna@eden.com for this one. ]
First they repealed the 8th, but I didn't speak because I wasn't guilty.
Then they took away the 6th, but I didn't speak because I wasn't accused.
Then they took away the 4th, but I didn't speak because I didn't use drugs.
Then they took away the 2nd, but I didn't speak because I didn't own a gun.
Then they took away the 1st, and I couldn't speak at all.
**************************************************************************
[ This is also from mbuna@eden.com. I guess I should also throw ]
[ in a little conspiracy/alien-influenced piece for balance. ]
Kennedy Vs Lincoln
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F.
Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F.
Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both their wives lost their children while living in the White
House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Both were shot in the presence of their wives.
The Secretary of each President warned them not to go to the
theater and to Dallas, respectively.
Lincoln's Secretary was named Kennedy Kennedy's Secretary
was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in
1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born
in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names comprise fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was captured in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from the warehouse and was captured in a theater.
To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before
their trials.
What do you think: Mystery or a statistical co-incidence?
**************************************************************************
[ This is specifically for prose-meister Jank (billjank@mindport.net), ]
[ not a specifically political page (although you can tell the leanings ]
[ of this webmaster right off), but if you're a Texan at heart, here's ]
[ a virtual home for you. ]
The Missing Texan Home Page
http://www.iag.net/~tgoodman/mistexn.html
**************************************************************************
[ kmembry@greenmtns.com sent me this with the subject "cool url" ]
[ and it actually took me a sec...very suBtle. This URL is for ]
[ the explorer in us all, with information on the Antarctic that ]
[ we could all use (Albatross!). ]
http://www.terraquest.com/
**************************************************************************
[ From stavros@eden.com are URL's that truly are useful (I _was ]
[ joking on the last one). Here's to the kid in the grown-up ]
[ and the grown-up who hasn't stopped being a kid. ]
This week I came across two new URLs that prove that the WWW is here
for the consumer and here to stay.
Godiva Chocolate http://www.godiva.com/
Toys R Us http://www.tru.com/
**************************************************************************
[ I can't decide if I find this tasteless, or just silly, but ]
[ I can always expect GGIBSON@aztec.astate.edu to put me in ]
[ this kind of mental dilemna (since he's a !debate coach!, ]
[ now, he's even better at it.) ]
THE CONSTITUTION OF LOVE
WE, THE LOVERS OF THE HEART, IN ORDER TO FORM A MORE PERFECT KISS,
ENABLE THE MIGHTY HUG, AND TO PROMOTE TO WHOM WE PLEASE, BUT PLEASE
THE ONE WE KISS.
ARTICLE #1-STATEMENT OF LOVE-THE KISS
1. ON THE HAND---I ADORE YOU
2. ON THE CHEEK---JUST FRIENDS
3. ON THE NECK---I WANT YOU
4. ON THE LIPS---I LOVE YOU
5. ON THE EAR---JUST JOKING
6. ANYWHERE ELSE---DON'T GET CARRIED AWAY!!!!!
7. LOOKING INTO YOUR EYES---KISS ME
8. HANDS ON THE WAIST---I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO LET YOU GO
ARTICLE #2-THE THREE STEPS
1. GIRL---IF A BOY GETS TOO FRESH, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SLAP HIM
2. BOY---IF A GIRL SLAPS YOU, KISS HER
3. BOY AND GIRL---CLOSE YOUR EYES, IT'S RUDE TO STARE
ARTICLE #3-THE THREE COMMANDMENTS
1. THOU SHALT NOT SQUEEZE TOO HARD
2. THOU SHALT NOT ASK FOR A KISS, THOU SHALT TAKE ONE
3. THOU SHALT KISS ON EVERY OPPORTUNITY
REMEMBER...
A PEACH IS A PEACH,
A PLUM IS A PLUM,
A KISS AIN'T A KISS,
WITHOUT SOME TONGUE.
SO OPEN YOUR MOUTH,
AND CLOSE YOUR EYES---
AND GIVE YOUR TONGUE...
SOME EXERCISE!!!!!!!!!
**************************************************************************
[ From (spike@io.com), he says "Absolutely all the URLs I will ever ]
[ send you" and if you believe that I've got some great ski trail ]
[ land to sell you in Louisiana. ]
For those interested in finding a new hobby:
http://www.eel.ufl.edu/~hcs/crack.html
[ ...gee, Spike -- I can't decide if I find this intriguing or just ]
[ tasteless. On the last one I could ride the fence, but this is a ]
[ bit harder (that wasn't a pun) to justify. ]
Anyone interested in making Web pages should absolutely check out this
page:
http://www.dsiegel.com/tips/tips_home.html
[ This is better. Exactly the kind of family fare that I support ]
[ without fear of recrimination from 'the Man'. This page will set ]
[ you straight on good HTML etiquette and style. ]
**************************************************************************
[ (puckett@crash.cts.com) sends us tips on making our days a little ]
[ brighter (or at least a little funnier). ]
Out here in California, I have a fetish for $2 bills. I use them on
campus, in restaurants, to tip pizza delivery drivers and bartenders, to
pay for video rentals and the like. I always have one in my wallet at any
given time.
While I haven't been accused of peddling "funny money" or had the bill
refused outright, I'm sure it will happen some day. To date, I have had
people look at the bill and then look at me (repeat several times until
they figure out it's legal tender ... we are talking about college
students after all), or simply stare at the bill until it strikes them
that:
1. It is on green paper.
2. Most U.S. tender comes on green paper.
3. It says legal tender on the bill.
4. It must be legal tender.
Try paying with nothing but $2 bills for a week. They're relatively easy
to get. Simply go to your local bank and clean it out when you cash your
next paycheck. In California, most people just laugh and smile about it.
Bring happiness to someone's day. Spend $2.
**************************************************************************
[ Our first full-fledged joke of the day comes from co-worker ]
[ (and this weekend's dance partner #2). ]
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days
later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some
strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint,
unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran
and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his
ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's
Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while
longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards,
too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the
Seventh...the Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what
was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to
the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens,
there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
**************************************************************************
[ CYNSMITH@utxvms.cc.utexas.edu thinks that she can spread ]
[ dissenting views about my vended food choices. Well, I ]
[ guess she can, but I still LOVE Tabasco flavored Fritos. ]
i resorted to the dorm vending machine's selections this afternoon after
a hellacious psych final (nothing worms the heart like a clogged artery,
i always say) and followed your reccomendation of the tabasco-flavored
fritos. UGH! what the hell kinda person are ya, you sicko? telling your
innocent readers to try to eat those flame-colored monstrosities amounts
to culinary abuse, as far as i am concerned. BUT, with the fifty cents i
had left over i bought the keebler waffle chips (patterned after chick
fil a, no doubt) and those ARE worth reccomending. like o'boise's: not as
flaky but just as salty, and they have that cool waffle thing going
that makes them a snack food for the ages.
**************************************************************************
This week's WU is actually a little shorter than you've received lately.
Don't think you're getting off easy, though. I'm putting together a
special Christmas issue that's just as long as this one and I will be
sending it out not too long after this one. (I hope your mail buffers
are empty.) With that warning, here's a long beauty from a co-worker
on being annoying. This isn't something I personally need any training
in, but this list is a good refresher for the advanced annoyer, and it's
a comprehensive list for the beginner.
**************************************************************************
[ Our final piece (before the special XMAS edition) is from ]
[ the same dancing co-worker who we can congratulate on the ]
[ finals of her divorce and a succesful surname replacement ]
[ over the last few weeks. You can't even see the scars! ]
HOW TO BE ANNOYING
- Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist
to others that you "like it that way".
- Drum on every available surface.
- Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for
alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.
- Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
- Staple papers in the middle of the page.
- Ask 800 operators for dates.
- Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
- Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
- Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
- Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
- Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
- Set alarms for random times.
- Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public
consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
- Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
- Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
- Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
- Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the
volume properly adjusted.
- Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
- Honk and wave to strangers.
- Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
- Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
- Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental
movies.
- Wear your pants backwards.
- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary
mints by the cash register.
- Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
- Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal
Machine Music".
- Leave someones printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
- ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
- only type in lowercase.
- dont use any punctuation either
- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
- Pay for your dinner with pennies.
- Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
- Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
- Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
- Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/ OJ
Simpson conspiracy theories.
- Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
- Light road flares on a birthday cake.
- Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
- Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
- Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
- Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
- At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
- When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until
physically restrained.
- Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
- As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
- Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
- Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
- Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
- Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your
chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.
- Drive half a block.
- Name your dog "Dog".
- Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
- Ask people what gender they are.
- Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
- Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back
in the tray.
- Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
- Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a
"real hoot".
- Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that
you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
- Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes.
- Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a
can of Lysol.
- Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains,
such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr Rogers theme.
- While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
- Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first
in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people
pronounce each A.
- Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if
they slow down.
- Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
- Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play
along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
- Wear a LOT of cologne.
- Ask to "interface" with someone.
- Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is
necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
- Sing along at the opera.
- Mow your lawn with scissors.
- At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
- Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".
- Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
- Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
- Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in
a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
- Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't
cricket."
- Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".
- Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
- Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
- Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing
awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any
moment.
- Never make eye contact.
- Never break eye contact.
- Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
- Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
- Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it,
announcing the results.
- Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard
Cossell voice.
- Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
- Make appointments for the 31st of September.
- Invite lots of people to other people's parties.