Feelers, schmeelers, I want opposable thumbs!
As the Yuletide season draws close, Christmas themed entries increase
rapidly. As a matter of history, I am quite the scrooge, but as my
number of rings increases (and my trunk _does_ seem to be getting wider
every year) I become more sentimental. So. The next few issues will
be thickly colored Green and Red.
Take a look at the new homepage setup - http://www.eden.com/~etrigan
(if you're running Netscape 2.0) and particularly notice the ducks
reference at the bottom. Alibee (alibee@linex.com) was gracious enough
to let me know that her URL has changed. I'm going to be devoting my-
self more and more to getting the whole story about the ducks. I've
decided to apply myself with the dedication of an X-Files fan watching
the Alien Autopsy video. Any one that has a story they don't want to
tell this badly must be invloved in a conspiracy.
Standard Disclaimer: When I started the WU last night it was over 1200
lines long. I try to keep the WU at around 500, max. If your entry
doesn't show up in this week's WU it wasn't from lack of quality, but
excess of quantity. You know that I love everyone and I wish I could
put it all in here, but then people would stop reading the WU. (I think
the WU is too long as it is, but what can I do?) I'll be sure and in-
clude your entry in the coming weeks.
Also: With Christmas being so damned popular, I get duplicate sub-
missions more than ever on Christmas subjects. So, if you sent me
something and I give someone else credit: they beat you to the punch.
Get over it, and use that anger to find more and better submissions.
**************************************************************************
[ I can't say how much I believe that EVERYONE should see ]
[ the movie Toy Story. Let's just say I'll keep mentioning ]
[ it in the WU as long as I can without feeling guilty. ]
[ The SquidMan (kmembry@greenmnts.com) sent his review and ]
[ a few tidbits about the movie. ]
Toy Story: great movie!
I've been waiting 6 years for this one!
Some observations (I'm sure most of you didn't pick up)
1) In beginning, the books on the shelf are the other Pixar short
movies (Red's Dream, Tin Toy, etc)
2) The "Utah Teapot" makes a Cameo at the Tea Party scene
[ The "Utah Teapot" is famous amongst people who generate ]
[ 3d computer images. Kind of like the Nirvana of raytracing. ]
3) When Buzz pushes the toolbox off the shelf towards the end, it says
"Binford" on it (Tim Allen...Buzz's voice, plays the "Tool Man" on
Tool Time, and uses "Binford" tools on the show)
I'm sure there's more than that hidden in the movie. Definately worth
seeing again (unfortunately, the "after 10 minutes you don't see
computer graphics" didn't work for me ;-( )
**************************************************************************
[ I forgot to mention the extreme adulation of watching ]
[ UT take down A&M for the final time in the SWC. I am ]
[ not much of a sports fan, but this game had a history ]
[ as deep as any middle eastern conflict. UT can now ]
[ claim the undisputed title of SouthWest Conference ]
[ Cham-peens. My sympathy to the Aggie Corpse. ]
[ "That girl" regales us with her experience: ]
Just a little story of a weekend spent in college station, texas, and the
only weekend that anything happens there - the weekend of the texas game.
I went, naively thinking that i would manage to get tickets to the game
after trying unsuccessfully for a month to do just that. I knew that this
was our year, though, and i would not be discouraged. That is, until we
figured out that the only tickets we would get to that game were the ones
we had just turned down, because they were being offered at $100. Anyway,
we watched the game at a local pub (you know it is a hick town when they
will even serve me!) and had a blast (i love watching obnoxious people
being forced to eat their words - especially when i get to feed them!)
when the clock finally ran out, the several random groups of longhorns
gathered together and sang the "eyes of texas" - it was beautiful,
especially when that aggie guy (who had previously flipped us off when we
told him that corey pullig couldn't pass a gallstone) slinked by. We then
exited, humming "i feel good" [ Da-na-Na-na-Na-na-Nah! Like I knew... ]
[ (James Brown is the name of UT's phenomenly gifted Quarter-back.) ]
**************************************************************************
Wednesday was my physical and virtual housemate's birthday -- Teo
(teo@eden.com). We enjoyed a lovely dinner at Austin's new Skyline Grill
along with Steve-n-Betsy (it's one word) (stavros@eden.com, betc@eden.com)
and a really swell lesbian couple we met at the restaurant. (I'm
still in awe of the engagement ring that lady was wearing.)
Skyline Grill is a kind of swanky place to eat. It wouldn't kill you
to wear a tie there, but, like any Austin restaurant, if you showed up
in shorts and sandals they wouldn't bat an eye. The food was excellent
and they tend to cater towards the "wild" game dishes (rabbit, venison).
I reccomend it, but only go as a couple -- they don't have any large
tables and had difficulty seating even our group of 6.
**************************************************************************
[ Remember jank's (billjank@mindport.net) prose about the new Miata ]
[ he bought for his wife and then commandeered for himself? (No? ]
[ see http://www.eden.com/~etrigan/back_issues/wu_11_27_95.html.) ]
[ One of his college buddies wrote the following jank-worthy reply: ]
From: "DAVID STAMM"
I got an email the other day from someone who obviously got ahold of
your email acccount and sent out a viciously inaccurate account of
how Bill Jankowski actually enjoys driving a Mazda Miata rather than
a rugged, manly, all-American vehicle like a Jeep, the vehicle that
helped our boys win the war over there in Europe where they all drive
cars that you can store in a shoebox.
"This can't be true" I thought. Bill is a Texan at heart--he would
never admit to favoring a car that forces you to open a trunk to
throw things in the back. Plus, Miatas can't bag nearly as many
quail as a Jeep could--the Miata would probably only slightly stun
them and give them a bad headache the next morning rather than kill
them.
As I considered his current area of residence, the idea became even
more laughable. Why, he's living in a land of snow and ice now, he
couldn't possibly ditch the Jeep--a Jeep!--in the winter for a little
red hobby car. Why here in Minnesota, the public works people feed
surplus Miatas to the snowplows to keep them satisfied and under
control. Still, every year a few plows break their training and go
after some in the wild. I'm told it's not a pretty sight.
I was stumped, but then it hit me. Bill is now a happily married
man, and knowing him, he's probably attacking the concept of married
life with his usual zeal and gusto that I know all too well. Like
school, Bill didn't study the book, and now he's just winging it for
the exam. Of course, he's got some of timing wrong. He's just
having his midlife crisis now and getting it out of the way. That's
the only explanation.
Dave
P.S. Actually I'm jealous, but I know Missy will take it away sooner
or later, which is probably for the best. Although they probably
weigh about the same, Miatas cost a lot more than salt shakers.
**************************************************************************
[ From stavros@eden.com, is our first Christmas piece: ]
Politically Correct Santa
{ Snagged from the 'net - should help everyone get }
{ in the mood for X-mas }
Politically Correct Santa
-------------------------
"Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Conner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh:
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
**************************************************************************
[ From KMc (Kelly.McCollum@chronicle.page1.com), comes one of my ]
[ Christmas Spam-mails: ]
The Physics of Santa and His Reindeer
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there
are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be
classified, and while most of these are insects
and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out
flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18)
in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to
handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist
children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the
total - 378 million according to Population
Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of
3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million
homes. One presumes there's at least one good
child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with,
thanks to the different time zones and the
rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to
west (which seems logical). This works out to
822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for
each Christian household with good children, Santa
has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the
sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings,
distribute the remaining presents under the tree,
eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up
the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on
to the next house. Assuming that each of these
91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around
the earth (which, of course, we know to be false
but for the purposes of our calculations we will
accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per
household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles,
not counting stops to do what most of us must do
at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and
etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650
miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound.
For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made
vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves
at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional
reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another
interesting element. Assuming that each child gets
nothing more than a medium-sized lego set(2
pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not
counting Santa, who is invariably described as
overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can
pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that
"flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN
TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with
eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer.
This increases the payload - not even counting the
weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for
comparison - this is four times the weight of the
Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second
creates enormous air resistance - this will heat
the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft
re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair
of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of
energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will
burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing
the reindeer behind them, and create deafening
sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer
team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of
a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to
centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than
gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems
ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of
his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion: if Santa ever DID deliver presents
on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
**************************************************************************
[ From the previous Mistress of Chaos comes one of those quizzy ]
[ things that pervade my e-mail constantly. This is a new one ]
[ with a new twist, though. (Trust her to actually bring some- ]
[ thing original to the table.) ]
Monday Pop Quiz
Here's a little something to brighten your Monday. Before you read
this figure out which is your favorite part of Lucky Charms.
Here are your options:
*green clovers
*blue diamonds
*orange stars
*pink hearts
*purple horseshoes
*yellow moons
*the oat bits
LUCKY CHARMS
Amazing new study shows that your favorite Lucky Charms
marshmallow bit shape determines what you're like in bed! Yes, it's
true --- just take this simple test to determine your true bedroom
personality:
Green clovers: If your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow shape is the
green clover, you're a happy-go-lucky type in bed. You don't take
anything too seriously in the bedroom or elsewhere and always manage
to have a good time, even if you have someone else with you. You
don't have any patience with depressed people and tend to sit on
them until they cheer up.
Blue diamonds: If your favorite marshmallow shape is the blue
diamond, your thoughts in bed are mostly about what you'll get later.
"If he really enjoys this, will he buy me that mink coat?" is probably
what's going through your mind. People who like blue diamonds have a
notebook of preprinted fill-in-the-blank palimony suit forms and are
the people most likely to file their nails while making love.
Orange Stars: If your favorite shape is the orange star, you expect
to be the center of attention in bed. You expect your partner to
spend most of his time pleasing you and when you do something for
him, you expect enthusiastic moaning if not applause. People who
like orange stars often have mirrors over their beds, not because
they are turned on by watching what is being done, but because they
want to be able to watch themselves having a good time. They often
moan out their own names while making love.
Pink hearts: If you like pink hearts, you're the romantic type. You
like your partner to whisper romantic phrases into your ear and, if
he's too distracted to form coherent phrases, you'll settle for
romantic syllables. People who like pink hearts read most of the
romance novels published and are turned on by people wearing armor.
Purple horseshoes: If purple horseshoes are your thing, your tastes
are modern, uninhibited, and somewhat warped. You like variety in the
bedroom, especially when you can include handcuffs, chains, swingsets,
and chocolate pudding. Be careful when going out on a picnic with
anyone who likes purple horseshoes--she's likely to pin you down with
croquet hoops when you're not looking and who knows what could happen
next?
Yellow Moons: If you're the yellow moon type, you're more interested
in satisfying your partner's needs than your own. You prefer to
lie back and wait for your partner to jump on you and express her
needs verbally or nonverbally. People who like yellow moons usually
own several pairs of handcuffs and other instruments of kinky sex
just in case someone should ever want to tie them up and ravish them.
Keep your eyes open for anyone who eats all the purple horseshoes out
of her cereal as soon as she opens the box.
Those little oat bits that aren't marshmallows at all: If you prefer
the little oat bits, you probably don't like sex anyway and don't
need to read this article. People who prefer the oat bits usually
become accountants, librarians who work at the reference desk, or
government employees; these people like to chow down on a big bowl
brimming with oat bits before a tough day of protesting suggestive
lyrics in rock music. People who like oat bits have more time to
spend writing letters to the editor than any other type.
**************************************************************************
[ This week's "That's More Than I Needed to Know" Award goes to ]
[ kmembry@greenmtns.com (and you thought I'd say tankboy!) ]
Teledildonics
http://www.cinenet.net/waldo/waldo.html
it's in the lower part of the page
Does Cybersex sound lame, how about Teledildonics! (a Waldo extension
for you know what!)
[ If you don't wnat to know, don't look. Curiousity killed me, ]
[ and I wish I had controlled _that_ urge... ]
**************************************************************************
[ Humor from co-workers is sometimes too personal, and since I ]
[ grew up in Louisiana I should be offended, but it _is_ funny. ]
Boudreaux and Thibideaux (pronounced: bu-dro and ti-ba-do) were
sitting around by the bayou one day fishing when Thibideaux's baby boy
passed by. Boudreaux asked, "What dat you baby boy got on him der?"
Thibideaux replied, "Dat's dem Pamper. You don' hafta be washin' dat
diaper when he makes poo-poo, you jus' take off and trow it in da
bayou." So Boudreaux decides that he should get some for his son.
A few weeks later Thibideaux decides to pass over by Boudreaux's
house. He notices a foul odor. He says, "Hey, Boudreaux! What dat
smell?" Boudreaux says, "Don' worry about dat, it smell like dat all
da time roun' here". So they talk for awhile about huntin' and fishin'
and trappin'. Then Boudreaux's boy comes by with his diaper hanging
down to his knees. Thibideaux says, "Man! Ain't you gonna change dat
Pamper on dat boy?" Boudreaux replies, "Dat Pamper box says it good
for 32 pounds, an it ain't der yet!"
**************************************************************************
[ I musta received at least 6 copies of this baby, but the ]
[ photo phinish shows tlbruce@biomed.med.yale.edu in the ]
[ lead. Thanks, Tara! ]
NORTH POLE, INC.
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take
the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of
concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other
restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North
Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business.
Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished
Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further
erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a
late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity
from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard
Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no
discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen
airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been
cited and received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be
disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole.
Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak
that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance
abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull
his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's
helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be
under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the
North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.
Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place
in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be
the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant,
providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be
condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
[The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the
French.]
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system,
with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who
the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious
metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to
be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per
goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese
will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel
will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a
good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on
order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes
and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being
sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no
upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try
a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will
be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the
steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense
of international air travel prompted the Compensation
Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the
savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of
unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of
the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback
on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right
down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals
and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching
deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one
day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing")
action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary
in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the
Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to
see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
**************************************************************************
The KMc Pantry Review
For breakfast today I had my usual CCB (Pepsi) and a Bama's Brownie Fudge
Pie from the vend-a-clogged-artery. This item of vended delicacy is only
for die-hard vendaphiles. It was rich and almost greasy in it's little
tin. Even chocoholics would have trouble with this morsel.
**************************************************************************
[ "That girl" sends us another narrative that's not quite as ]
[ believable as the last, but she's a trust-worthy type. ]
This should be added to the "i swear this is true" file (if it is not too
vulgar for your sophisticated sensibilities. i know it really happened
because my aunt told me, and her first cousin told her. it happened to a
friend of the first cousin's. (if you can follow that)
[ I would follow you anywhere, you would have to actually be ]
[ going somewhere first, though... ]
okay -
a middle-aged woman decided that her mother had not been taking care of
herself sufficiently, and so made appointments for the mother with her
own doctors, and when her mother came to visit the woman took her to
these appointments. one of them was with the gynecologist. she waited for
her mother in the front lobby. about thirty minutes after she went into
the exam room, the mother storms into the waiting room and tells her
daughter "come on, we are leaving. i have never been so offended in all
of my life! i cannot believe that you brought me to this pervert!" so
they leave. in the car, they discuss her mother's anger. the woman finds
it hard to believe that her doctor, whom she has been going to for years,
has done something wrong, so she asks her mother what he did to offend
her. "when he lifted my gown, he made a remark" what did he say? "he said
'MY, AREN'T WE FANCY'!" what was the mother wearing, etc? "nothing, i was
under a sheet. i have been to a gynecologist before, i know what to do
and i did nothing unusual. he is a pervert and that is all there is to
it!" after further interrogation, the mother admits that before they left
the house for the doctor's office, she used some of her daughter's
feminine deodorant spray, but that was _all_ that she did out of the
ordinary. only problem is, the daughter does not _have_ any feminine
deodorant spray. the mother tells her where she found the bottle, in the
daughter's closet. this just happens to be where the daughter keeps her
craft supplies - the mother had used a bottle of SPRAY GLITTER!
**************************************************************************
[ From spike@io.com, is our last piece for this WU. It's not ]
[ the last Christmas piece, though. I'll be doing more for ]
[ next week's WU. ]
The Twelve Days of Correctness
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritualistic drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members
in good standing of the Muscians Equity Union as called for in their union
contract, even though they won't be asked to play a note...),
TEN melinan-deprived, testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products
from enslaved bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally-protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen, nonhuman animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned, enforced domestic
incarceration,
(Note: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw
red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens, and partridge
have been reintroduced to their natural habitat. To avoid further
animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
THREE deconstructionist poets,
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses,
And a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.