Crack Man to the Rescue!
Another L-O-N-G work weekend por moi...that's right poor moi. I was
expecting the typical post-holiday lull in submissions, but I'm glad
to say that, once again, this week, you are missing out on several HI-
larious pieces that I'll just have to push to next week.
If you have the Cartoon channel, and remember the days when you'd
rush to be in front of the TV before 8am, then check out their new
special (hosted by the beautiful Drew Barrymore) about the just
released album "Saturday Morning Cartoon's Greatest Hits". With
songs like "Scooby Doo" from Matthew Sweet (the greatest pop song
hook writer of our generation), "Underdog" from the Butthole Surfers,
"Open Up You Heart and Let the Sunshine In" (from the Flintstones)
by the Murmurs; this album is gauranteed to be the best Christmas
gift in the CD section this year.
I saw Toy Story again. I still think they should have had a rubber ducky.
(http://linex.com:80/~alibee/ducks.html)
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[ From stavros@eden.com we have the Internet Dependency Quiz.
15 SYMPTOMS OF INTERNET DEPENDANCY:
(join us in the war on Internet addiction, just say NO!)
1. How many times have you checked your e-mail today? [ 7]
2. How often do you wonder who's written you on e-mail? [ 12/day]
3. How often do you ask other people to use their terminals to [ 1/day]
check your e-mail?
4. How often do you ask people to send you e-mail? [ 12/day]
5. How often do you send e-mail to someone who lives right next [ 20/day]
door to you? or is in the same room as you? Someone you see everyday?
6. Do you search your address book for someone new to e-mail that [ NO]
you barely know? Or don't know at all?
7. Do you get more excited when someone e-mails you, rather than [YES]
writing a letter or calling by phone?
8. Have you ever e-mailed someone you don't know, and have never [YES]
even seen before, just to make some smart-ass comment and see if you
get a response?
9. Do you spend Friday or Saturday nights in front of your [YES]
computer screen on e-mail or the Internet?
10. Do you call people just to get their e-mail address, and then [YES]
hang up, only to e-mail them immediately afterwards?
11. Do you have other people e-mail people you've e-mailed just to [YES]
encourage them to get on their asses and e-mail you back?
12. Do you write senseless things on e-mail late at night or in the [YES - the WU]
day and send them to friends just for the hell of it?
13. Do you call people just to tell them you e-mailed them, and [YES]
then hang up so they can read their e-mail, and hopefully respond?
14. Does e-mail and the Internet distract you from obligations and [YES]
time spent with loved ones?
15. Do you find yourself sitting in front of the screen wondering [YES - the WU]
what new, screwed up types of things you can put on the Internet (i.e.;
pictures out of words and punctuation marks, or smart-ass quizzes like this?)
IF YOU ANSWERED YES TO ANY OF THESE PROBLEMS, GET YOUR ASS AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER
SCREEN AND TAKE A LONG WALK! YOU'RE PATHETIC! YOU HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM WITH
THIS WHOLE E-MAIL THING, AND ARE ADDICTED TO MODERN TECHNOLOGY, HAVING YOUR MIND,
AND VOICE SUCKED OUT OF YOU. DO YOU EVEN INTERACT WITH PEOPLE ANYMORE? BE CAREFUL,
STOPPING COLD TURKEY CAN BE VERY DANGEROUS - SERIOUS WITHDRAWLS CAN OCCUR, LEAVING
A PERSON TWITCHING, AND TYPING INTO THIN AIR, SENSELESSLY MUMBLING ADDRESSES AND
PASSWORDS THAT HAVE BEEN CHANGED. PLEASE SEE SOMEONE ABOUT THIS PROBLEM. ADDICTION
TO THE INTERNET IS SERIOUS, AND CAN BE AS THREATENING AS ALCOHOL OR DRUG ADDICTION.
IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW HAS AN INTERNET DEPENDANCY, PLEASE CONTACT PROFESSIONAL
HELP.
[ Let's see...13 positive responses...I guess the first step ]
[ is admitting I need help...but with 80+ subscribers I could ]
[ give a shit! Thank you for supporting my habit! :))) ]
**************************************************************************
[ kmembry@greenmtns.com sent in what qualifies as the best ]
[ URL for the week. Apparently this guy, Russ Nelson, has ]
[ been growing his tail for a really long time (you might ]
[ be a red neck if you actually thought of someone's hair ]
[ when you read "tail"...what am I doing? I _hate_ Jeff ]
[ Foxworthy!). He wants to get it cut off, but only by ]
[ Letterman. Use the URL to send dave@cbs this letter. ]
Dear Late Show-
I was bumping around the web and I ran into this fella named
Russ Nelson. He has got this really cool long braided tail.
He feels that the time has come that it should be cut off.
He and I both think that it is up to David Letterman to cut
it off. I would love to see him on the show. You can check
him out for yourself:
http://www.cs.hope.edu/~nelson/tail.html
or email him at
nelson@cs.hope.edu
**************************************************************************
[ From Gordo the Gregarious (GGIBSON@aztec.astate.edu) is ]
[ the first full fledged joke of the week. ]
The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could
hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on
the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervious I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took
the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got
nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon
return to his office after mass he found the following note on his
door.
1) Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
"Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not
say, "Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not reffered to as the, "Mary with the
Cherry".
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not:
"Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.
Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
**************************************************************************
[ From kmembry@greenmtns.com comes a commentary on ]
[ the future of western culture. ]
BILLY'S LETTERS
The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's column:
Dear Mr. Dvorak:
Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to
get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try
and explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal
ten year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a
summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were
the usual camps with swimming, canoeing,. games, singing by the campfire
-- you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight
reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan
knot typing. I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he
went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans
and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out
of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot
down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago, I don't
know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself.
These are some of my little Billy's letters.
Dear Mom,
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only
good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time
to program, so they let us stay up.
Love, Billy.
Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all
get to chose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can
you make Szechwan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time
for the flowchart class.
Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor. Pretty well, huh? It's
spellchecked too.
Dear Mom,
Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow
of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a
tan /cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer
screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us
weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
Love, Billy.
Dear Mom,
I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp
ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real
funny. He got made and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you send
more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank
diskettes. I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you
can talk to people on a computer? give my regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.
Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. sorry I
haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto
any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the
university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's
going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He
says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
Signed, William.
Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Partners Day. Why'd you get so upset? I
haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears
them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I
thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some
money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've
paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.
Regards, William.
Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years
old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember,
I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and
government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and
this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal
communication drain me.
Sincerely, William.
See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little
boy. What can I do, Mr. Dvorak? I know that it's probably too late to
save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST
ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so.
thank you very much.
Sally Gates, Concerned Parent
**************************************************************************
[ Tim (spike@io.com) got a little sassy, but since I'm ]
[ always a little sassy he can get away with it. My ]
[ guess is he doesn't appreciate being singled out as ]
[ a rare submitter. (didn't like Middle School gym ]
[ much did ya', Tim? ]
Okay, 'normally silent," eh? Anticipate a veritable TSUNAMI of
submissions . . .
First off, let's talk Netscape. If you aren't using the 2.0 beta,
go right now to the place where you can download it. That URL is
http://home.mcom.com/comprod/mirror/index.html. Now, here's the point:
IF you were using Navigator 2.0, you could be reading this WU using its
built-in mail handling features. It's one of the nicest mail tools I've
used, and certainly the best for handling full-fledged internet mail.
Right now, I have it configured to automatically telnet to my external
account every 30 minutes and check for new mail. Plus, since it's a
browser, you can send your mail as HTML. EVen if you
don't, Netscape recognizes URLs, so that address I just
gave you would show up as a hot link. Anyone see the value of reading
the WU this way?
**************************************************************************
[ From stavros@eden.com comes this week's Top Ten. ]
Top Ten - Marketing Slogans For Intel's Pentium Pro
-------
10. Oops, I guess ya shoulda bought NT !
9. More speed for your bloated Microsoft programs.
8. So what if it doesn't do much for Windows 95 ? At least we won't
set your laptop on fire.
7. Why the P6 ? Because Andy Grove said we had to change processors
every 18 months.
6. We'll keep building new chips until AMD gets off our butt.
5. Why gamble ? P6 is no-RISC.
4. Hey, systems vendors, don't worry your pretty little head about
the L2 cache, just make the box look nice.
3. It ain't too shabby, but next time we think we'll let HP design
it.
2. We're pretty sure NSP will run on it, but just go easy on the 3-D
graphics, OK ?
1. The Pro: This time we did our math.
[SOURCE: New Media, Dec. 1995]
**************************************************************************
Just when you think you've seen it all, you see something that amazes
you. Don't ask how I found this place, and don't even try to explain
what crack these people are smoking, but if you're searching for that
elusive collectible(?) Candy Bar Wrapper to fill your collection, take
a look here:
http://www.math.okstate.edu/~kbradle/snacks/
**************************************************************************
[ Another Joke du jour from the coninually taste lacking tankboy@eden.com ]
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a
cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her
purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her
cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey thats a good idea! What is it
that you put over your cigarette?". The other old lady said," Its
a condom". "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the
cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the
pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady
with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the
pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked
a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms,
so he asked her, "What size do you want?". The old lady thought
for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel!"
**************************************************************************
[ As usual kmembry@greenmtns.com is helping out with more ]
[ than his share of WU support. Here's this week's kMc ]
[ Pantry Review (better known as "the junk food review". ]
I don't know how new these are, so sorry if they're old (I don't
travel down the junk food isle at the local supermarket much)
Caribbean Crunch Snack Mix (Mr. Peanut)
it's nuts, fruit & snack sticks
(peanuts, cashews, sesame snack sticks, banana & pineapple pices with
a touch of honey)
pretty tasty (excep the pineapple..blech)
Health value: who cares, if you're so concerned, you probably wouldn't
even see them on the shelf
taste: a little heavy on the salt and honey, but that's probably what
makes them so tastey
[ I've been noticing the "Health Value" ]
[ labels on a lot of things lately, that I just don't think ]
[ should even be labled. Who needs a Health Value label on ]
[ Haagen Das ice cream? If you really need to check the la- ]
[ bel on something like ice cream, then you KNOW you should ]
[ not be eating it, ok?!? ]
**************************************************************************
[ From (stavros@eden.com) comes "Other Names for Webmaster". ]
[ of which, I prefer Johnny "Domi-matrix" Rollerfeet...though ]
[ I'm sure that the kMc would go by "Web Grand Master Kelly ]
[ Kel" (and growing up in the 80's I'm sure he's never heard ]
[ _that_ joke before... ]
Poll Taken by IWorld: What name do you you prefer instead of Webmaster ?
- Webmeister
- Web grandmaster
- Webmasochist
- Domi-Matrix
- manager of Internet initiatives
- HTML developer
- Internet services manager
- Web manager
- online editor
- "All-knowing and seeing ruler of time dimension and space."
**************************************************************************
[ "Alien Invaders" got to tankboy@eden.com, and like any ]
[ man lacking the good social graces to keep his virus to ]
[ himself, he passed it to me. ]
^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
Dear Earthling,
Hello! I am a creature from a galaxy far away, visiting
your planet. I have transformed myself into this text file. As
you are reading it, I am having sex with your eyeballs. I know
you like it because you are smiling. Please pass me on to
someone else because I'm really horny.
^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
[ Now this is funny this time, but I can already predict ]
[ that this little baby will go WAY too far and we'll be ]
[ seeing it clog the net for years to come. ]
**************************************************************************
[ Thanks to the kMc (Kelly.McCollum@chronicle.com) for drawing my ]
[ attention to a wonderful social commentary 'zine that's written ]
[ by some of the most miserable grumpy son's-a-bitches on the web ]
[ today. It's always fun to read (and is updated every weekday!) ]
[ but read it with a grain of salt (these guys are really, REALLY ]
[ constipated.) ]
http://www.suck.com/
[ here's a sample: ]
[S U C K]
"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"
for 28 November 1995. Updated every weekday.
[ Oh, and this is the last piece -- thanks to all my subscribers, ]
[ eden.com, and especially the submitters. I'll accept this award ]
[ on behalf - ... wait that's the speech for later... ]
Incorporating the Mouse
In his speech to the tuxedo-draped Pixar and Disney employees at Toy
Story's premier in San Francisco last weekend, Steve Jobs compared
classic Disney animated features to the works of Homer, which called
to mind a story we once heard about a beat poet who sent some of his
compositions to William Carlos Williams. Williams waxed enthusiastic,
and told his earnest correspondent that he might become the new Homer.
Of course, the poet repeated this to one of his contemporaries, who
answered, unexpectedly (and in what one imagines to have been a tone
of disappointment), "No kidding? He told me I was the new Dante."
With the unconscious genius typical of a great capitalist, Steve Jobs
was more right than William Carlos Williams. Walt Disney makes sense
as a new Homer: Disney ported our collective myths across a media
border as significant as the archaic border between epic song and
written literature. Walt Disney Pictures was the impresario of the
mechanical, and after the flight from Steamboat Willie to Snow White
the company has been in a holding pattern, waiting for landing
instructions from the control towers of the new world, while fending
off legendary
[ http://www.umich.edu/mingchen/testi.html ]
attacks from people who put a slightly different spin on the notion of
social engineering.
With Toy Story, permission to land has been granted. At first, the
terrain is disappointing. Gone are the great haptic spaces of Disney
animated features, the profound three-dimensionality, the subtle
expressions, the sweeping pans, the brilliant colors and the musical
intensity. Instead, Toy is claustrophobic and dull. The characters are
put together out of elementary geometry, their movements and speech
are sadly ordinary; the very joy in mechanization that Disney
unleashed seems to have been toned down, cooled off, and diminished.
Most disturbingly, there's no evil in the film. The only appealing
character is the young villain Sid, who's merely bratty. You sit in
the theater ready to give up control of your emotions to the great
cinematic projection, and instead you get restless and twitchy and
even angry - isn't there going to be something deep and dark and
Disney to plunge into?
No. Because this isn't a movie. That restlessness you feel is the
anticipatory restlessness of a finger on a mouse. The rendered
animations are lifeless because they are waiting for you to bring them
to life. Toy Story is not a movie. It is the prototype for an amazing
interactive game, and when the technology unleashed by Pixar and its
300 Sun SPARCstations is unleashed upon the online world, movies are
going to seem old-fashioned.
"Oral transmission of epics ceases with writing, and with it, at the
dawn of history, fades the idea of memory as the goddess of immortal
recollection."
- Ivan Illich and Barry Sanders, The Alphabetization of the Popular
Mind
As always, it comes down to a
[http://netvet.wustl.edu/rodents.htm]
mouse. The victim, who is also the stand-in for Walt Disney's
childhood (and thus, hope the marketing staff, Inner Child to us all),
has been taken off the screen and put into our hands. Don't watch it,
click it. We are incorporating the mouse. Mickey, c'est moi! If Sid
had a mouse, he would light it on fire. Sid chops his toys into
pieces, then builds new, mutant creatures out of their severed body
parts. Twisted? Sure. But you know, in the movie, it kind of looks
like fun. After all, Sid isn't merely a passive consumer, who accepts
whatever gimmicky piece of trash he happens to find laying next to the
birthday cake. Sid interacts. Sid has fun. And Sid's punishment, when
his toys all talk back, is just what we (and Pixar, most of all) have
always wanted. Not just to play with our toys, but to have our toys
play with us.
The hostility with which Sid is treated in Toy Story is a clever
disguise, like when the object of desire in a dream appears in the
form of a punishment. Sid is essentially an embryonic, pre-adolescent
Pixar employee and his toys are the amazing digital playmates those
artists and engineers have have been struggling so mightily to bring
to life.
The hardest thing, as always, was to render the mouths of the human
characters as they talked. You just can't make it real. You love these
little guys, but as you struggle to make them obey you also grow to
hate them. And the climax of the love and hate we have for our digital
avatars (and with ourselves) is expressed near the end of Toy Story
when we look through a magnifying glass into Sid's grotesque maw.
Inside the mouth of the story's only significant human being we see
the harsh lines of his mechanical braces. It's disgusting, but it is
also a huge thrill. Just below the surface, Sid looks an awful lot
like a machine.
Walt knew it all along. Disneyland and Disneyworld are down payments
on the delivery of a fully mechanized and interactive universe. In
this universe, the gods and goddesses are popular products and brand
names, which, like us, appear to be machines that also have souls. It
isn't important if they don't seem real. For proof, look no further
than Time-Warner's Palace, which jettisons haptic depth altogether.
Yes, you are a character. So are your toys. There is no distinction,
no projection. Worlds Chat keeps 3-D in the picture, but of an
especially impoverished sort. That's okay. It's wrong to assume that
what we seek is a "richness of experience." Nope, nope, nope. We'll
sacrifice just about anything, even the Goddess of Immortal
Recollection, in order to make a leap into something new.
Toy Story is the new, and as a movie, it sucks. But, so what? A
thousand years after Homer, enterprising toy makers who camped out on
the steps of the Acropolis and sold action figures of the more popular
gods must have laughed out loud when word reached them of a new
superhero whose chief merchandising gimmick consisted of two sticks
nailed together at right angles. "Disney features," said Jobs to the
first audience of Toy Story, "are my son's myths. He's learning all
about good and evil through these movies." Pixar, he concludes, "has
some myths we'd like to put back into the culture." Then the cameras
rolled. In the first few minutes of Toy Story, a box of Tinker Toys
appeared on the screen, with its trademark registration shining above
the heads of the audience like a great, glowing deity of a new world.
courtesy of Dr. McLoo
mcloo@www.suck.com