Ace of Bass.
Before my opening monologue, here's this from kmembry@greenmtns.com:
"...Please dedicate the next issue of the Weekend Update to Bill Waterson
He created Calvin & Hobbes and has decided to retire the strip. I think
it was 9 years in the running..."
Calvin & Hobbes was always one of my biggest inspirations to mischeif. Bill
W. took a year off several years ago and it was one of the longest, drabbest
years for comics. Maybe he will join the ranks of Berkely Breathed and come
up with something even more bizarre when he gets bored with retirement.
As a Technology Advocate, I'm doing my job to keep you glued to the line
of innovation as it slips faster and faster into virtual reality. And
speaking of VR (what a segue!) it's vital that you download the latest
version of Nestape (2.0b2) and the plug-in WebFX from Paper inc. Take a
look at http://www.netscape.com to find both of them. This plug-in lets
you (!finally!) see 3-d web pages at a reasonable speed and usability.
The next three articles focus on Web sites that require the new Netscape
and (two of them require) WebFX.
OH!...and watch the WU home page for modification that support ALL the
new and fun features of Netscape 2, Java, and VRML (WWW three-d), including
the reason for the missing duck references... (that means stay tuned.)
**************************************************************************
From: stavros@eden.com
[ which he got from a newsgroup ]
Blue Skies Java Weather Service
The University of Michigan Weather Underground presents a new java
based weather service based on the Beta Java API.
It is available at: http://cirrus.sprl.umich.edu/javaweather
The unique feature of the Blue Skies is the availability of Interactive
Weather Maps, which contain a weather image (e.g. radar map with fronts,
satellite image, etc.) in which all textual information on current
conditions and forecasts is embedded. There are cities plotted
throughout the map, and as the computer mouse passes over the cities, the
current conditions (temperature, wind direction and speed, etc.) are
shown on a status bar. If the user clicks on the city, the latest
National Weather Service forecast for that city is displayed. The user
also has the capability to zoom in on selected regions of the country,
allowing more cities to be displayed and allowing greater exploration of
weather phenomena.
For more information contact Alan Steremberg at alans@cs.stanford.edu
or blueskies@umich.edu
[ Java is a new tecnology for Netscape that allows client-side ]
[ applications. This means that the work is done at your PC in- ]
[ stead of at the server. This means faster and more reliable ]
[ cool stuff in Netscape. ]
**************************************************************************
[ also from stavros@eden.com a 3d Jack-o-lantern creator ]
I know that the subject (Halloween) is late, but the technology is
NOT! If you want to visit this URL, here is a list of software you
will need:
Windows 95
Netscape 2.0 beta 2 (32bit)
WebFX (inline VRML)
http://www.chaco.com/~glenn/jack/
**************************************************************************
[ from kmembry@greenmtns.com is a site that is obsessed with ]
[ the movie Psycho and it's director, Alfred Hitchcock. ]
http://www.geopages.com/Hollywood/1645/index.html
Psycho web page. Includes a VRML tour of the house (haven't tried it
on my lame 14.4!!!!)
**************************************************************************
[ Now that the geek quotient is high, I'll slip into something ]
[ a bit less serious. Here's the lovely un-wired "Coquette"'s ]
[ weekly barrage of jokes. ]
THE BIRTH OF A CANDY BAR
One Payday Mr. Goodbar wanted a Bit O'Honey so he took Miss Hershey
back in the Power house on the corner of Clark & Fifth Ave. He began
to feel her Mounds and that was sure Almond Joy which made his Tootsie
Roll. He let out a Snicker and his Butterfingers went up her Kit Kat
and caused a Milky Way. She screamed "O Henry" and squeezed his
Zagnuts. Miss Hershey said you were even better than the Three
Musketeers. Soon she was a bit Chunky. Nine months later she had a
Baby Ruth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
+-On a single day both Dolly Parton and Princess Di pass away. As
they reachthe gates of heaven, they can see St. Peter standing out
front waiting for them, shaking his head. As they approach, St. Peter
tells them, "Ladies, I'm sorry, but there just isn't room for both of
you in heaven right now, so I will only be able to take one of you.
Seeing as you have both lived good lives and seem equally fit to enter
the kingdom, you will have to tell me something that's special about
you."
Dolly Parton comes forward, pushing her breasts up with her hands.
"Well,"she says, "I've got THESE..."
St. Peter looks at her and says, "Yes, those are very good. Very good
indeed. But let's see what Princess Di has to offer."
Princess Di just stands there, "I don't think there's anything special
about me. I mean, I was next in line to become the queen of
England..."
St. Peter shakes his head, "That's just not going to do it. Isn't
there anything else?"
Di thinks for a minute and answers, "Well....I douche once a week...."
St. Peter's eyes light up, "Princess Di...Go right on in..."
Dolly Parton looks at St. Peter, pushes her breasts forward and says,
"But what about THESE?"
And he says, "It's beyond my control. Everybody knows that a Royal
Flush beats a Pair any day!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day the Clintons and the Gores are out at dinner and having a
really great time, lots of drinks and friendly flirting. Bill
Clinton looks out over the table and says, "You know, we're such good
friends, why don't we swap for one night and make the sex more
exciting ?" They all think it's a great idea, and they head off to
their bedrooms. Suddenly Bill Clinton hears Hillary from the next
room screaming uncontrollably with pleasure. He starts to get a
little jealous, so he asks, "I wonder what Hillary could be getting
that makes her that happy ?"
Then Al Gore, lying next to him says, "I don't know, but Tipper must
be really hot tonight!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Papa Mole, Moma Mole, and Baby Mole are in their nest. Papa Mole runs
up the tunnel and sticks his nose out the entrance and says " I smell
pancakes". Moma mole runs up the tunnel, sticks her nose out of the
entrance and says " I smell pancakes". Baby mole runs up the tunnel
and says " All I smell is Molasses".
**************************************************************************
[ "Colors" from tankboy@eden.com is another atypically tasteful ]
[ even almost intelligent piece. If he keeps this up I'll have ]
[ to stop making cracks about his un-couth-ness. ]
Chose your favorite color and THEN read this. No fair changing your
color.....
_______________________________________________________________
Your Favorite Color is the
Key to Your Sexual Life
The clothes you wear, your home furnishings and the car you drive
all give clues to your sexual personality. The key is the colors you select
for your possessions. Most people claim they haven't a favorite color. But
look around you, and you'll notice a pattern, especially in your clothing
and home decor. The predominant color for you is the one that appears most
frequently - - -- it's the one that mirrors the sexual you. A panel of
psychologists, speaking at the 1975 Home Interior Design Forum, explained
the association between color and sexual patterns.
RED: People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily
aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is
ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. When two reds get together, the
ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterly blush. Lovers of red tend to be
aggressors and weaker colors should be aware.
YELLOW: If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex and
turn toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is yellow.
But don't panic -- not everyone who wears yellow is queer. In most cases
the person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in a passive
manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn
down an invitation from somebody you enjoy or admire.
PINK: Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters:
women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some
cases they flaunt their femininity -- but because they secretly hate men.
A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes in pink. Men who
like pink are the philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will make
three dates for the same evening and not keep one, preferring to pick up a
dish in some bar instead. Women whose husbands like pink should keep a
secret nest egg.
PURPLE: Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too sophisti-
cated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to
mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach to lovemaking. In
both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than
anyone else's gratification.
BLACK: Black color preferences point to black sex (not necessarily meaning
black partners). These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out
each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually
masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform
at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists
claim that sex offenders prefer the color black. And it is no coincidence
that the uniform of mosters and teenage gangs is black attire.
GREEN: Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex.
Women who love green will always make love like virgins all their life. And a
man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in a charming and endearing
sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate,
one will never need worry about infidelity.
ORANGE: Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The sex act
is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is
as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings, meaningless
dialogue; they feel it is their image. Orange people often do not experience
orgasm -- but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's
hair, and women leave red welts on the sex partner's back.
BROWN: If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate. Brown
lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and desires of their
partners. Sex is a 24 hour a day thing. Where you can't say "I love you"
often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snow-
flakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a lover of brown. They need lots of
time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh
word could end the affair.
GREY: The color grey a preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't
get excited about anything -- including color -- so they choose a noncommittal
shade. Men who prefer grey look at sex as a way of relieving tension -- but
nothing more, nothing less. It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women don't
make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons only: to accommo-
date their mate, or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom
plaster until the sex act is over with and done. But when teamed with another
color, the grey spouse considers the other's infidelity a blessing. When a
grey marries another grey, the marriage is made in heaven.
BLUE: Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sinners, affectionate
and sensitive to their partner's needs. They consider love making a fine art and
their approach is elegant. Men who love blue are like concert pianists, delicate-
ly ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the blue
category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners but their passion
may be compared to a tidal wave rather than firery aggression. Both women and men
enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex act itself. In
marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate - - -- never seeking outside interests.
WHITE: If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy. These people
are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in the day-
light in unheard of. Women who love white will undress beneath the covers. Men
will shower before and after the sex act. These people still use pet names for
their genitals.
**************************************************************************
[ "Earth Viewer" from the KMc (kelly.mccollum@chronicle.com) is ]
[ one of the first great learning tools I've seen on the net. ]
[ Not that a lot of people haven't tried, but this is quality ]
[ science. Fans of Bill Nye, and Beakman: here's your 'net. ]
http://www.fourmilab.ch/earthview/vplanet.html
**************************************************************************
[ "Jason Lives" from tankboy@eden.com is a useful guide for what ]
[ to do next time you end up in a horror movie. Do you have the ]
[ the feeling you're already in a horror movie? Use this as a ]
[ thumb ruler and you'll know for sure. ]
HORROR MOVIE SURVIVAL GUIDE
===========================
* When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if
it's really dead.
* If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once
a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went
mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants
who performed necrophilia or satanic practices in your house move away
immediately.
* Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
* Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
* If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they
should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than
their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the
long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be
prepared.
* When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.
* As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
* Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb,
crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
* If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that
it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*
* If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
* Do not take *anything* from the dead.
* If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take
the hint and stay away.
* Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what
you are doing.
* If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least
twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite
the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along,
it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
* If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such
as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and
so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
* Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here:
Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize
this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
* If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking
house to phone for help.
* Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge
trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches,
soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
* Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since
they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
**************************************************************************
[ From the adorable JWATKINS@DELTA.IS.TCU.EDU comes our first ]
[ review of this issue for the movie "COPYCAT". ]
To begin with, I did not start the evening with a positive attitude
toward seeing this movie. However, Going to the famous three story movie
theatre in downtown Fort Worth next the the best pizza joint in the world
(UNO's) and having the honor of driving a corvette, black, fast, oh so
fast, and having my way paid in to see the show, how was I to resist? The
story is obvious from the trailers and promos founf everywhere, there is
a killer and Helen (Sigourney Weaver) is a retired,...o.k., well...housebound,
pill-popping, agoraphobic, drunk, asshole who is more messed up than Doctor
Jank is on the weekends. She helps two police detectives (one played by
Holly Hunter and the other a relative newcomer only seen by me before in "A
THING CALLED LOVE") crack the case and keep the streets safe from a killer
who is coping the killing styles of serial killers twenty years ago--although
Domer is honored with a ritual killing copying his headless goul. Harry
Conick Jr. also plays a role as a serial killer himself- ugly thought. The
story was written well, there is a lot of computers used so that should make
Johnny happy. The cast is believable and when compared to SEVEN, the gore
factor is way lower and the suspense had me prying lose my hands from the now
dented armrest.
**************************************************************************
[ from kmembry@greenmtns.com is a video review for: ]
Immortal Beloved [R] 121 mins.
If you loved Amadeus, rent this one. This is about the life of
Beethoven. Yeah, just as long (well, maybe shorter) but just as good.
Starts with Beethoven dead in his bed, and then his loyal friend finds
his secret will. The rest of the movie is about his friend tracking
down the "immortal beloved" (no name is given, so he has to figure out
who it is) Everything is set in flashbacks about Beethoven's life.
All of his romances, turmoils, etc. I don't know how much of this
movie is true of his life, but it was quite interesting.
**************************************************************************
[ Let's see. Geek Stuff, Jokes, Reviews...that leaves...SEX! ]
[ From kmembry@greenmtns.com is a site with mucho women with ]
[ poco clothing. ]
http://www.over21.com
you'll get a kick out of this one!
**************************************************************************
[ From stavros@eden.com -> "Miss Internet 1995 FIN" - see some ]
[ of the finest women of Finland...dressed in casual evening ]
[ wear, swimwear,...and lingerie...lingerie from J.C. Penny... ]
[ J.C. Penny's of 1980... ]
http://www.missinternet.fi/eindex.html
**************************************************************************
[ from Mick "Baby, it's cold outside" Ray is our ]
[ education for the week. ]
Is the Internet killing the English language?
If you think the answer to the question above is "yes", then you should
subscribe to "A Word A Day" at wordsmith. A kind soul has seen to it to send
a seldom-used word of the English language everyday to a mail server, which
is available to all Net surfers. To subscribe, send a message to
wsmith@wordsmith.org with a "Subject:" line that reads "subscribe ". You will receive a FAQ immediately via e-mail, and then
receive words and definitions daily.
An example:
sty.gian adj, often cap [L stygius, fr. Gk stygios, fr. Styg-,
Styx Styx] (1566) 1: of or relating to the river Styx 2: extremely
dark, gloomy, or forbidding
**************************************************************************
[ stavros@eden.com found this lovely post. if any of ]
[ you lonely boys need a friend... ]
Femdom In Search of Naughty Boys
>Seriously, this is a chance of a lifetime. I want all you naughty boys
>to contact me at once. Do not delay. Location is unimportant.
>
>Let me know how you've been naughty and what type of corrective
>punishment you deem appropriate. It's time we clean up the net.
>
>Anne
>
>---------------------------------------------------
>Anne Schoofs
>vac@indirect.com Fax: 602 912 8823 Attn: RAS
>-------------------------------------------------
**************************************************************************
[ The real tankboy shines through. If you read through this much ]
[ of the WU then this was well worth the wait. ]
This Week's Support Story
-------------------------
Wherever possible we include a "Support Story" to provide
some insight into troubleshooting techniques. This issue's
story covers trouble of a different kind.
"My girlfriend always seemed to enjoy seeing just how much
she could get away with doing some form of our bondage in
public. She does this partly because she finds it fun, mostly
because she knows it drives me out of my tree. Usually, I'm
able to fast-talk my way out of potentially embarrassing
situations with Mundanes, but yesterday she very nearly got me
fired.
Yesterday afternoon we had lunch together. Afterward, she
accompanied me back to my place of work. I thought this
slightly unusual, since she had never before expressed an
interest in my work (electronic engineering), but it didn't
occur to me that she had something planned.
We arrived at my workbench, where I'm currently trying to
figure out why the $&%@*! board on which I'm working is not
performing the way I designed it.
"Is this where you work?" she asked.
"At the moment," I replied.
I reached over to turn on the scope, thereby completely
failing to notice the huge studded black leather collar she
produced from her purse. Before I could even blink (it's
amazing the speed at which she can do this), she had locked
the collar snugly around my neck, and locked the end of the
six-foot jack chain to the center of the bench (where there
just happened to be a mounting hole, dammit). I turned to
face her in utter disbelief, mouth agape.
"I'll be back for you at five," she said.
"HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY WACKO!!?!?" I yelled in a hushed
voice.
"HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS???"
"You'll think of something," she said, dropping the keys into
her cleavage. "You always do."
"But suppose I have to go to the bathroom," I countered.
"Don't give me that," she said. "I've seen you go for a whole
day without visiting the bathroom."
"But...," I tried to say.
"SHHH! The subject is closed. I'll be back at five. Bye."
She turned and left, against my hushed protests. I sat in
panic and tried to think out my situation. I tried to think
of all the people who might visit. Most of my co-workers were
friends who knew that my girlfriend and I were a bit odd, so
this shouldn't surprise them. But I had no idea what I was
going to say if one of my bosses came in. I checked my watch
to see how long I would have to endure this ignominy. 13:30
(I'm a military time weenie). "Three and a half hours," I
thought. I heaved a sigh, and got to work, such as I could.
As it happened, three of my co-workers visited for what-not.
All of them immediately noticed the collar (it would be pretty
hard not to), and asked if it was my girlfriend's idea. I
said yes. They asked what I would say if my supervisor saw it.
I said I hadn't the faintest idea.
One of the afore-mentioned colleagues took the bench next to
me, and after a few remarks (and a question as to where he
could get a collar like the one I had), settled down to work
in silence.
After some time, I checked my watch. 16:40. "Gee, I just
might make it through this after all," I thought. I was even
beginning to get a handle on the problem with the #%^*@! board
on which I was working. Murphy must have been standing right
behind me reading my thoughts, for not more than two minutes
later one of my bosses entered the room. And not just any
boss. Noooooooo. This was Mr. Narrowminded himself. This was
the guy who took Lifespring *and* became a born-again
fundamentalist. How he came to have the power of
hire-and-fire over us is one of the Great Mysteries of The
Universe. We avoided this guy at all costs.
His eyes fell upon me immediately. A few picoseconds later,
he saw the collar around my neck in all its splendor. "My
life is over," I thought. I still hadn't thought of a
plausible explanation for this. Mr. Solderbrain (the name we
called him behind his back; a corruption of his real name)
started to walk slowly and deliberately over to me, his eyes
fixed on the collar. Fifteen agonizing seconds later, he was
standing next to me. I thought the guy sitting next to me was
going to have a seizure stifling all his giggles. I continued
to work, acting as though there were nothing the least bit
unusual about my predicament.
Finally, he spoke.
"What. The. HELL! Is. That??!" he said.
I don't know how I thought of what I said. In fact, I'm
pretty sure I didn't know what I was going to say until just
as I was saying it. I'm even more amazed that Solderbrain
actually bought it and didn't fire me on the spot.
I turned to face him calmly, with total nonchalance, exuding
complete confidence in what I was about to say, even though I
didn't know what it was yet. I didn't even miss a beat.
"Grounding strap," I said, and returned to work. The guy
next to me fell off his chair and nearly died laughing.