Fuschia, Son'o, Fuschia.
The Weekend Update, once again is extremely full and already
I have submissions for next week. I'm proud to say that only
one moe-ron sent me an OJ submission and he wasn't even a sub-
scriber, he's just my boss.
This was the fatal weekend for our regular non-fiction prose
genius, Jank, to get a ball and chain permanantly attached.
The participants: Jank and Missy, bride and groom; Doc and
Jen, best man and bride's maid (and brother of groom and sister
of bride); TreyLa, Trey "Gordo", KellyMc, Son'o, and various
others filling in around the edges. Highlights from the wed-
ding weekend:
- Missy is missing for 4 hours the day before. The planned
honeymoon destination, Cozamel, after being ravaged by (big
surprise) hurricanes is not choice and the travel agent was
being not nice. The decision destination long past, Japan,
is of course not a stable place -- earthquakes. More power
to the impressive fortitude of Missy for putting together an
absolutely flawless and beautiful wedding despite post-wedding
plan problems.
- The 'bachelor party' where the bachelor and most friends re-
tire early with weak excuses after a wild Battle Tech round.
KellyMc and I stayed behind to show Dave_and_Buster's that we
were real men, ending the night with 900+ coupons!
- The wedding -- as said before -- PERFECT. The ceremony was
sincerely moving and the reception was heart warming.
- ...except for the groomsman and company walking onto the
practice putting green in dress shoes (beer in hand) and
scaring off the locals.
- ...what's similar between the new "Civic Sedan from Honda"'s
new commercial and the bride and groom's exit from the wedding?
BUBBLES. In a spectacular original concept, the rice/birdseed
was replaced with little bottle of bubble solution. You haven't
seen beautiful until you've seen a lovely wedding couple
leaving through a cloud of soap bubbles.
- ...and for a Doc/Johnny Rollerfeet innovation: unopened cola
cans ties to the couple's car so that they start spewing as they
pull out of the drive way... classic!
- post party: Son'o and KellyMc doing their own college version
of Goofus and Gallant. Son'o as Goofus showing how to get drunk
-- really quick and then let it all out...twice...in a charming
fuscia color. KMc as Gallant showing how to get drunk -- slow
and steady at the start of the reception and then quietly vi-
siting the bathroom multiple times during the night and on the
side of the road to the airport the next morning.
- I might as well mention now that I and the bride's maid ended
up getting to know each other until the wee hours...just talking,
ok! Of course, in a hotel room with three others I had to keep
the fan on the air conditioner going so that we could talk with
_some_ amount of privacy. (If I didn't admit to this now, it'd
come back to haunt me...as it does right now:)
Thanks to our home office manager in Shreveport, the un-wired
Trey La for the top 10 Jankowski/Watkins Wedding Rememberies:
10. Non-stop tag team action featuring Killer Kelly and Jack
Rabbit James versus Commander Commode and the Porcelain God.
9. Gordo's rendition of his love song "I've Grown Accustomed
to Your Face" at the reception.
8. Harry J giving fair catch signal while catching the garter.
7. 2 WORDS! No arrests!
6. Shoulder on Sam Houston Tollway now a bit cleaner thanks to
Kelly's Magic Acid.
5. Golf club wielding groomsman chasing ducks across 18th green
at Piney Forest Country Club.
4. Father of the Bride/Father of the Groom arm wrestling tourna-
ment after rehersal dinner.
3. Quote from the Doctor: "...being the best man is chick bait!"
2. Climate control instructions for Mr. Johnny Rollerfeet.
1. James' uncanny impersonation of Billy after a tutoring session
with professor Jack Daniels.
This in from the now infamous Son'o (James):
Subject: Alive
Yes - yes I am!
And I'm happy to say there were no more incidents after Saturday
night and there will be no more incidents like that ever again
in my life. If there are, I expect someone to take a gun and just
shoot me. Why ya'll see fun in getting plastered just to worship
the road/sidewalk/the side of Johnny's car - I'll never know -
cause it wasn't fun. After once - you'd think they'd learn. I
sure as hell did!
Funny thing about the wedding. As I watched the ducks on the golf
fairmway, I couldn't imagine anyone mowing them down in a car as
docile as they seemed to be: http://linex.com:80/~alibee/ducks.html.
One last thing about the wedding. As I drove from Austin to Houston
I didn't see a single sign that told you how far it was. On the way
back I noticed that every milage sign mentioned how far it was to
Austin. Hmmmm....
*********************************************************************
The XTC tribute album comes out on Tuesday. As a huge XTC fan
(I own all but one album) I'm looking forward to tomrrow. I've
already heard Sarah McClaughlin's version of "Dear God" and I'm
dying to hear the rest of the CD.
*********************************************************************
[ I was worried that with Jank on honeymoon, I'd have no lovely ]
[ non-fiction prose to put in this issue, but, hallelujah: ]
[ Drew Feinberg, a new subscriber sent me the following long, but ]
[ extremely well-written piece for the WU and he sent me a brief ]
[ description of who he is. It's clear that he's not _quite_ as ]
[ maniacal as me, but when he starts his own 'zine, it'll almost ]
[ certainly be worth reading. Hopefully he'll hold off putting ]
[ his 'zine out and sending us his writing until Jank can tear ]
[ himself away from his new wife and life. ]
Drew Feinberg is twenty-something and resides in East
Meadow, NY where he is currently a full-time philosopher.
He enjoys watching movies and then bitching about them,
joining crusades he knows he cannot win, and singing TV
theme songs to anybody within earshot especially the "Facts
Of Life." Drew and his partner-in-crime, Jen, are starting
their 'zine "Marvin Nash's Ear" in the very-near future so
they can rant as long as they like to make the world smile
and/or think, preferably both. For a free subscription, just
send a request and the name of your favorite childhood board
game to afeinber@panix.com
[ From "Have to go...I'm due back on the planet earth", ]
[ afeinber@panix.com, comes this: ]
Hiding Out On Halloween: Videos to Ease the Guilt
By Drew Feinberg
Halloween is almost upon us, coming quicker than Hugh Grant in a BMW. As
Meg Tilly so brilliantly asked in the cinematic disaster known as Body
Snatchers, "Where ya gonna go? Where ya gonna run? Where ya gonna hide?"
Eloquently, she voices the dilemma of millions of Americans every
October 31. I've done them all, with less than optimum results. Let's
run through the options, shall we?
Okay, first there's trick or treating. Being a greedy bastard and
visiting every house within a 20 mile radius, hitting them up for the
goods, is socially acceptable as child, but, three years ago, when I was
dressed as Zsa Zsa Gabor and asked all of my neighbors to "Give me some
candy, DAHLING, or I'll give you a slap," the results were less than
desirable. From what I can remember I got assorted candy bars, candy
corns, rocks, kitchenware, lollipops, and a jack o'lantern, still lit--
THROWN at me, with great velocity. I can't even spell the names people
called me, and I was told to do things to myself that aren't even
physically possible, lord knows I've tried. One grandmotherly looking
woman was actually kind to me, and gave me some popcorn. My faith in
mankind had been restored, that is, until I heard the muffled call to her
husband "Come see this poor slow boy. It's lovely to see the mentally
challenged out and about." At the tender age of 23, I retired from trick
or treating forever.
The next year I opted to stay home, watch some scary movies, and give
wondrous candy to the the legit trick or treaters. The candy aisle at the
supermarket was pure pandemonium. I might as well have been looking for
the last green Power Ranger on Christmas Eve. I didn't want to be one of
those houses that gave out nickels, fruit, hard bubble gum, cream soda
Dum-Dumms that stuck to the paper, black licorice, those awful dark
chocolate Hershey's Miniatures, or Smarties. Honestly, do people ever BUY
Smarties for themselves? I made a quick scan of what was available, and
I saw some variety packs of assorted good chocolate stuff that the
others had apparently not seen. I made a mad dash to get two packs. I
popped 'em in my cart and very confidently strolled to the checkout
counter. The line was huge, and I noticed the elderly woman behind me had
nothing in her cart but a box of Metamucil, so I let her go in front of
me. I started to sing along with the muzak..."Precious and few are the
moment we two can shaaaaaaare..." CRASH! I looked to my side and saw
this huge pyramid of canned beets topple over. "Hope that wasn't my
singing," I thought to myself, then turned back. Quicker than I could say
"The cast of Wings should be sterilized," my treasures were GONE! I was
completely bewildered. I was shocked when I looked in the cart ahead of
me. The woman I had sacrificed selflessly for, had two bags of assorted
chocolates along with her Metamucil. I tried to conceal my anger and
kindly said to the woman "Excuse me, I think those are my Halloween
candies there." I believe she mouthed the words "Bite me." I walked
right up to her cart and reached in and picked up what was rightfully
mine. That's when she started bawling hysterically, which caused the
entire supermarket to glare in my direction. I was frozen like Jennifer
Tilly would be if you aimed a flashlight at her eyes. I was never so
furious AND so humiliated; I just stood there with my hand in the
metaphorical cookie jar. I slowly backed out of the store, and still
candyless, I decided to go to a convenience store, where I bought 50
Chunky bars. A mixture of chocolate nuts and raisins makes my stomach
turn, but hey, I didn't have to eat 'em. I had enough Chunky bars to
feed a small South American country, or Marlon Brando. I sat down and
started to watch Halloween. Before the opening credits were
finished, the doorbell rang. "Trick Or Treat," I was greeted by a child
and his mother. "Here ya go, fella," I smiled as I handed him a Chunky.
The child glowed; the mother frowned. "Michael is ALLERGIC to nuts.
Don't you have anything else?" she inquired. "Umm...n-n-no..." I
stammered. The mother ripped the treat from her son's hand and handed it
back to me, setting Michael into a temper tantrum. "I'm really sorry," I
managed to say. "Thank you, thank you VERY much, it was his first
Halloween and you ruined it for him. Aren't you proud of yourself?" she
sneered as she stormed off. I sighed, shrugged, and went back to my
movie. Five minutes later, more doorbell. Two teenage girls dressed
up--looked like the girls from Clueless, gum chewing and all. "Like,
trick or treat." I handed them two chunky bars, which appalled them.
Clueless #1: "Like HELLO, do you KNOW how many grams of fat are in a
Chunky? Only like a MILLION!" and she handed it back to me. Clueless
#2: "Geez Louise, don't you have any like Snackwells or fat free potato
chips?" and deposited El Chunky back in my hand. And so it went all
night. Kids whining about chocolate, kids complaining about raisins, kids
bitching about options, in 4 hours I got through about 15 minutes of my
movie. And got stuck with 45 Chunky bars. Hey, you want a Chunky?
Last year I tried another great Halloween option--the costume party. I
bopped on down to "Costumes R Us," to rent one, which was oh-so-wise to do
on Halloween day. Sparse selection? The place was emptier than Jennie
McCarthy's skull. Let me tell you, all eyes were focused when I stumbled
in the door as a huge orange box of Tide. I felt about as mobile as
Gilbert Grape's mother. I scanned the room and saw assorted Beavises,
Ticks, Shannen Doughertys, Newt Gingritches, and one big orange blob. I
went straight to the punch bowl and then mingled about. Everybody bored
me, and they allseemed to be staring at the monstrosity that was my
costume. Then I saw her, the woman I would spend forever with, the woman
who wouldn't bitch at me for drinking milk out of the carton. She was a
twin of Mia Wallace (a.k.a. Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction), and she looked
me straight in the eye, walked up to me, and what followed was a few hours
of engaging conversation; this and my never empty punch cup kept me in
seventh heaven. In the middle of debating which was more torture,
watching the OJ trial or watching a Mickey Rourke movie, she blurted out
"Do you always talk so much before you a kiss a girl?" That was all the
invitation I needed. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed. It was just
like the movies...the world started to spin in a little circle, like in a
DePalma film, except it made me dizzy, and I suddenly realized it wasn't
the kiss, but the heavy imbibing at the punchbowl. I lost my balance,
which is not a smooth thing mid-kiss. The huge Tide box caused me to
stumble and I held my love tight, knowing she would be my rock and prevent
my imminent falling, but my feet became entwined with hers and I fell
forward, taking Mia Wallace with me. I could see her expresion of horror;
the girl I so wanted to impress was being crushed by Mr. Tide himself. I
believe the words that she used were "Jesus, I can't feel my legs! I
struggled and squirmed, as Batman and Thor managed to pull me off of her,
but by then it was too late. Physically, Mrs. Wallace was fine, but she
was none too pleased with my squashing her, inadvertent as it was. In
fact, everybody at the party just sort of glared and pointed at me until I
left in utter shame. No more Halloween parties for ME, thank you very
much.
Don't walk down the same unpaved road as I did. Learn from my mistakes,
my friend. This Halloween, hide out with some friends, turn off on the
lights and rent some movies. Try a couple of these, you'll thank me
later. Halloween, Nightmare On Elm Street, Frankenhooker, Carrie, The
Shining, Evil Dead 2, Dead Alive, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, The
Exorcist, and Re-Animator. When the doorbell rings, don't answer it.
There's no shame. In fact, I've found that detaching the doorbell all
together makes things much more pleasant. And if you turn the volume up
really loud, you can't even hear those little fists knocking.
*********************************************************************
[ For fans of those funky white-boy New York ]
[ hipsters, Stavros, stavros@eden.com, brings ]
[ us The Spin Doctors' HOUSE. ]
http://levity.willow.com/spindoctors/index.html
*********************************************************************
[ More from the unstoppable tankboy@eden.com: ]
Fido ! Here Fido !
This story was related by Pat Routledge of Winnepeg, Ontario
about a repair call he handled while living in England.
It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by signaling
extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground
(earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it
switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This
method allows two parties on the same line to be signaled without
disturbing each other. Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets
called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends
called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog
always barked first. Pat proceeded to the scene, curious to see
this psychic dog. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in
his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't
ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a
ringing telephone. Climbing down from the pole, Pat found:
a. A dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron
chain and collar.
b. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current.
c. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating
on the ground.
d. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring.
Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them.
*********************************************************************
[ From kmembry@internetMCI.com: ]
the Weather Channel
[ You can get color maps just like the ones they use on the WC! ]
http://www.infi.net/weather/index.html
[ This is a good page if you're running Win 3.1, but if you're ]
[ running '95 then get a copy of WinWeather from: netcom.com by ]
[ looking in the /pub/ig/igs/win sub-directory. ]
*********************************************************************
http://csugrad.cs.vt.edu/~eburke/anagrams.html
[ This is a lot of fun, put in a few words and ]
[ it gives back many, many possible anagrams. ]
"Spiro Agnew" yields
"grow a penis" while
Johnny Rollerfeet yields
"jet honey fern roll"!
I hope greatness has little to do with name based
anagrams.
[ This is a trend that seems to be happening ]
[ more and more. A simple i/o program that's ]
[ been turned into a web site. I love it! ]
*********************************************************************
[ Here's another example, from stavros@eden.com ]
PhoNETic
This web site will convert your PHONE number into letters or words.
http://www.soc.qc.edu/phonetic/
*********************************************************************
One more fine example, from Microsoft comes Auto Map ONLINE.
Use it to get from here to there (in America, European version
coming out soon) on the best route:
http://automap.microsoft.com/automap/route/ROUTE.HTM
*********************************************************************
[ Again, from the, as usual, tasteless tankboy@eden.com ]
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his
teacher picked him to answer a question.
Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot
one with your gun how many would be left.
None replied Johnny, cause the rest would fly away. Well the
answer is four said the teacher, but I like the way you are
thinking.
Little Johnny says, I have a question for you now. If there were
three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her
cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the
cone, which one is married.
Well said the teacher nervously, I guess the one sucking the cone?
No, said Little Johnny, the one with the wedding ring on her
finger, but I like the way you are thinking.
*********************************************************************
[ from KMc - that game loving fool ]
Here's a handy dandy link list for PC game/demo fishing.
http://pages.prodigy.com/MS/neuro/neuro4.html
*********************************************************************
[ once again SquidMan, kmembry@internetMCI.com, astounds us ]
[ with his ability to find utterly useless, but disgustingly ]
[ attention grabbing WWW sites. This site seems to focus on ]
[ pictures of medical problems, and surgeries -- NOT FOR THE ]
[ WEAK Of STOMACH (this means you KMc, and Son'o.) ]
http://cygnus.igs.net/gross/
*********************************************************************
From: Steve Scivally <stavros@eden.com>
Subject: CyberZine......CyberZine......CyberZine......CyberZine
http://www.cyberzine.com/
Great Comics & Stuff
*********************************************************************
From: Steve Scivally <stavros@eden.com>
Subject: PIXELSIGHT
http://www.pixelsight.com/
Pixelsight is a must-have URL for anyone thinking about
creating a web page. The site contains simple scripts for
ASCII art (banners, titles, etc.), button creators, EPS art
that can be colored and textured, and links to other sights of
its kind.
[ Portions of the WU header were created using PixelSight ]
*********************************************************************
[ "For You Psychos" comes from my boss who manages ]
[ a call center... ]
RING . . .
RING . . .
CLICK
"Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you
want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be
aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head
is alive and about to bite off your ear.
*********************************************************************
From: kmembry@internetMCI.COM (Kirk Membry)
HTTP://www.mcs.net/~disabato/qs/qs.htm - The Quicksand page
http://www.messyfun.com/ - Messy Fun, woman getting covered in food,
chocolate, mud, the "wet look" etc. Quite bizzarre!
and you thought the internet was dull!
[ I've seen some really sick and twisted stuff in my ]
[ years on the 'net, and I can't say this is sick or ]
[ twisted, it just amazes and confuses me...dif'rent ]
[ strokes for dif'rent folks, I guess. ]
*********************************************************************
[ From stavros@eden.com, comes some erotica that I can ]
[ appreciate. The line between art and pornography is ]
[ usually blurred easily, but this site is lovely. ]
Japanize Erotic Art Gallery
http://www.g-search.or.jp/hypertext/FromJapan/event/event_e.html
*********************************************************************
[ From tankboy@eden.com (and not as tasteless this time ]
[ around) comes "Country Favorites". ]
The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles (These are *real*)
- Do You Love As Good As You Look?
- Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
- Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
- Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares
- How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
- I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
- I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
- I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
- I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
- I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
- I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
- If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
- If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
- If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me
- If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
- Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
- My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John
Was Breaking My Heart
- She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft; She Got The Ring And I
Got The Finger
- She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
- You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
- You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
*********************************************************************
[ From Jhathorn@shreveport.promus.com - the man who took ]
[ alcohol over-dose to new shades of purple comes this ]
[ movie reveiw. ]
Anyway - Movie Review Time
This weekend's film was Jade. A very good murder mystery with an
excellent car chase. One does not feel as if David Caruso is just
playing another NYPD Blue character. And of course there's Linda
(The Last Seduction - Full Price). She is excellent at giving the
appearance of being in control at all times even though she may not
be. Or is she?! Go see it and find out.
Rating - Matinee. It's worth it. Maybe even a little more.
[ oh, yeah he has this, also, to say about the wedding. ]
The Billy J/Missy Weddin'
Let's just say a good time was had by all. And here are just a
few of the highlights:
1. The minister turning to Missy after Billy said his vow and
saying "I think he means it."
2. Drunken golf.
3. Who got sicker - James or Kelly (Did you leave gifts for
all the stewardess?)
4. The color fuschia.
5. Johnny/Jen/air conditioning - don't even go down that road.
That's it. I now must prepare myself for the ton of [torture!]
that I will receive even though only four other people were
actually present to witness the event. Well - there are probably
some people in Houston who saw it - but they don't know me and I
was never there.